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carlyyy03

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  1. @WCSDancer2010 @fitgirl thank you for your kind words again, last night i did not find the strength again, it just didnt feel right to tell him yet plus we got into a small bicker so i just didnt want to tell him afterwards, just wasnt good timing, i think ive realized you cant pan a day or a weekend or a time to tell someone, just when you feel comfortable or the time is right to let them in on knowing is when the right time is, there is no right time and i got to stop being so hard on myself. i think what im so afraid of is saying it and not knowing what his facial expression will be, his body response, or his expression in words. i dont know how to stay positive, i dont want to break down when i tell him, because that will freak the person out but im just a mess lately and stressed and i am a very emotional person and telling someone such a bad memory from my past makes me have strong emotions, the only reason i would cry is because the memory and the fear of losing him. and he hasnt said "i love you" yet, and any time in my past when i told a boyfriend they had said those 3 words, it puts me more at ease to tell them something personal about me, as if they would accept me because they love me. but once again thank you for your support, it goes a long way and will help me for when the time comes when i have to open up and be real and tell him.
  2. I mean I have a canker sore not a cold sore, I've researched and on the Web it says canker sores are not contagious
  3. @WCSDancer2010 @dreamingofsomeone167 thank you so much for both your advice and thoughts,means a lot! i still havent grown the courage to tell him about it, every time i think is the right time my stomach turns on me and i freak. i feel like he wouldnt judge me, hes big on communication, so im trying to stay positive it wont effect him to run away. but then theres this huge part of me that has doubts, especially when he says theres not one thing wrong about me and im too good t be true,and how is he so lucky to have me, and i only think "if only you knew, you'd probably never want me again" i know hes HIGHLY attracted to me, we've had plenty of times fooling around and he goes crazy especially when i wont give in haha, but he doesnt force at all,he never tries i realize ever since i told him i was raped, even before then he wasnt pushy. i was planning on sleeping over there tonight and telling him, but now i lost confidence due to a terrible nightmare i had last night. i had a dream i told him and he freaked out and didnt know if he wanted me after the fact, i know thats just my paranoid mind sinking in, but a part of me now wants to wait longer, like for him to reallllllly fall hard for me, i always found it easier to tell someone im real close with, who i see myself with instead of saying it earlier,because god forbid it was too soon and they run for the hills, that would hurt and id be mortified, is it wrong that i wont to wait longer to make sure he has deeper feelings for me, i see it going better because thats what ive done in the past with ex's and they accepted me because they cared so deeply about me. i know hes falling for me, because he said he is, but i still feel like i need more time, but now im constantly thinking about it because of this dream, and due to such stress i have a sore in my mouth, im going insane, now im afraid hes going to get oral herpes by kissing me today when i see him, but m taking my medication and i dont see any cuts on his lips, should i be worried? ugh im just such a mess right now and besides myself, i dont know what to do. im just so happy with him and if i lose him because of this ill be a wreck, i hate how H has had such a big effect on my life for dating, everythings perfect and then i have to face the talk. i havent felt this way in a long time and i for sure never had this connection with any other guy before in my life, so im afraid of losing it all together. for once im actually happy and H seems to have a way to wave over me and make me feel like m drowning. and i know im better than that -_-
  4. I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks, and we spend a lot of time together, where i even sleep over a lot and the temptation of sex is sky high between me and him, i of course always stop it when it gets close, i mean we got so out of control he rubbed himself on my private and i freaked out because thats still skin to skin contact so now i have this paranoia he somehow caught it from me, i havent been eating and i keep tossing and turning in the middle of the night at the thought of it. and when its constantly on my mind all day i cant help but cry or feel like vomiting. I think im really freaking out because one time when i stopped it from almost happening i said "im sorry i just cant" and hes its okay, but why are you always stopping when we come close and you tell me you want to have sex with me" and i just want to say it so bad but am not ready yet and i say "i dont know i guess im just not ready and want to make sure im with the person that i have sex with, i dont just give it up unless i know we are going somewhere" and hes like "oh okay good, i thought you had to tell me something like you have a disease or your period"and my heart sank and all i could do was smirk and laugh at him and say no and brush it off and do an act when really i just wanted to crawl up in a ball and cry. He's very far from being judegmental and he is so sweet, but when those words came out of his mouth it scares me for when i do tell him, now how in the world do i find the courage after what he had said? i need to tell him because we are very sexual and he told me hes falling for me, and the longer i wait the harder it will be and ill be crushed if he cant accept it, but at this rate either way im falling for him and will be hurt no matter what the scenario is. i havent been this happy in the longest time and it feels real between us. but im afraid it will all go away when i tell him and ill be left in the dumps. Last night we were just being vulnerable and talking about our past and i brought up the fact i was raped (which is how i was transmitted herpes) and i obviously left out the part that i caught something because i didnt feel comfortable yet and he was very comforting towards what happened to em and told me it happened to his mom and he really listened and i could see he felt terrible so im trying to find hope that when i tell him the second part to the story he will realize it was by far not my fault and i was in no control what happened to me and a much as i wish it didnt happen, in reality it did and now i have to live forever remembering that night not for just being raped but for having something for life. i just need as much advice because im losing hope and courage in telling him, im just so scared and devastated.
  5. okay so whenever your having that "bad day" and can do nothing but just cry and cry over this virus and feel like you have no one there to talk to or who can truly get you, i found that this song helps me in the end and can make me feel a bit better, i find it to be a song that exactly quotes our emotions and what we are all going through and i thought i'd share it with you guys! stay positive and love you for you!
  6. okay even though ive had this problem for 5 years i still dont know all the answers... ive always been confused about oral sex with herpes.. i have oral and genital and i have a few cuts on my lips from just chapped lips or biting them, but if i were to give oral to this guy ive been seeing would i transmit it to him? its not a cold sore and its not a huge gash on my lip its just from me biting them, im nervous and dont have the knowledge behind this issue and i am seeing him and have been getting more physical but i keep stopping when we are in the middle of kissing because im scared to go into anything further and ruining whats happening so far, so any advice and words would really help right now, haha also because i am seeing him tonight and would like to have answers :)
  7. hey, i feel as if you and i can relate on certain things. im 20, ive dealt with this since i was 16 years old. i can connect with you on the level of my father being absent while i was growing up or being there for me and being the man in my life, and i always wonder if maybe he was a part of my life , maybe that night i went out and got raped, that maybe it all wouldnt of had happened. but i cant always think about that and think "what if" because its over and done with. ill never forget the day i was told i have herpes. i mean i was so young, i was terrified and at that age you really feel like your life is over at that moment, i only had sex with my ex, like i felt as if it was all taken away from me now, your so lucky you have your boyfriend who still accepts you for who you are, your no different, your just as amazing and beautiful, dont ever let this virus make you feel any less than you what you truly are. im not going to lie, yes it will make you feel like shit at times, but thats okay, its just a whole process of healing with yourself. im so glad to hear that your boyfriend is there for you, i wish i had that, i'd be so thankful. ive never felt so lonely in my life, i thought nothing could beat my fathers disappearance, but this, this sure has beat it, ive never been so lonely. its like a double whammy, like my father isnt there for me and i always wanted a guy to take his place but it seems nearly impossible now that i have herpes. but i can also relate with you about the gym, im very into it and go 6-7 days a week and work with trainers, the gym is the one place that keeps me sane and takes my mind off things and makes me feel good about myself. but ob for everyone are so different, i feel as if im very sensitive own there, i feel like i use to never get outbreaks but lately i feel like i get them all the time, i take a daily medication for about a month and a half now, so i guess im starting to feel better, i think its all in my head, but with the sex topic, it may be sensitive or it may not, it depends, but use a lubricant, if your too rough on it and its kind of dry, it might irritate it, at least it has for me and then ill be in the worst pain and sometimes it causes an outbreak cause of the friction. im still learning and ive had this for 4 years, its just a process, but dont let herpes ruin your future, people make it out to be this horrible thing when all it is, is a BLISTER ! yes its painful, but it goes away, people dont get that and yes its always dormant in your body, but it doesnt mean your some disgusting creature. even though thats what people make out to be, but people should really educate themselves on it, because if they did then i feel like us, the people who have it wouldnt be so hard on ourselves, but then again people are so harsh and judgemental nowadays... if you ever need someone to talk to, im here to talk and help. i hope your feeling better ! just dont beat yourself over it, all of us here understand ! xo
  8. if i could, my one wish in this world would be to have the old me back, the old me without herpes. where i can have my own life back and not have this virus control me. i feel as if ill never feel quite right or "normal" i always feel in pain, and then once i feel pain, i get stressed, then i get overwhelmed, and outbreaks just take over my mind and all my thoughts. its all i think about, sadly, pretty much everyday. i hate that im only 20 years old, so young with so much ahead of me and i feel like i cant be free, im not saying i would have sex with every guy ive talked to but it would be nice not to have to worry about the talk, or passing it on and then getting yourself sick over it ive made myself so sick thinking about it, i actually vomit. ive been dealing with this since i was 16, 4 years and i feel this way, i cant take it. i dont think ill ever get over the fact or accept the fact that i have herpes and it was by some man i didnt know who did this to me and i was violated and raped. it sickens me, but its not my fault. i really need to forgive myself and be easier on myself. i just cant seem to be okay with just being me anymore. i catch myself crying nearly everyday, because all i want is someone, someone there and who accepts me for me but everyone knows people my age worry about STD's, i mean like come on lets be real, every fucking movie or tv show makes a joke and its always about herpes. and you know how hard it is when your with someone watching it and that topic comes up and you see everyone laughing and i just want to sit there and cry, but i have to tag along and act and laugh with them. it hurts. and then once again i feel disgusted with myself and think wow no one will ever want to be with me. long story short, ive been with this guy, hes in the marines. we would talk all the time when he was away, and he was coming home for visits, he had 2 visits home back to back in the winter so we got to spend a whole good month together, we spent everyday with each other, had sleepovers, the whole nine yards, ive never been so sexually attracted to someone and we couldnt keep our hands off each other, you know how difficult it was to not have sex? we never got the chance too, because you know why? i was scared of rejection by him, someone i was growing feelings for, but he told me he has such strong feelings for me and all this talk, but i was still scared, like i wasnt good enough for him yet, that he didnt know me long enough where i didnt feel comfortable blurting out i have herpes. i felt like he would instantly be turned off and not like me anymore. he was confused why i always turned down the chance we could have sex, i mean we had sleepovers, usually its bound to happen, but i just coudnt find the right way or words to not scare him away, so i lost my chance, because now hes gone, back in the marines. hes gone for 2.5 years straight in hawaii, no more visits back home, so we said our goodbyes and that was that, it was hard, because we got so close so quick, and we built up such strong feelings for one another without sex, so it meant a lot but it all got screwed up because he had to leave, i dont know why i did this to myself and met him if i knew he wouldnt be coming back for so long, but we hung out one time (thought nothing of it) but no, we hit it off, connected on a whole different level. i was falling for him. but it doesnt matter anyways now, because as soon as he got to hawaii he was distant, and i tried contacting him, he was short, and not the same guy, like i felt like i didnt know him anymore. but we dont talk anymore. thats a whole other story. but bottom line is i hate feeling scared, i really liked this guy and wish i had the chance to just enjoy having sex and maybe bringing us closer, but i couldnt take the fact or guilt if god forbid he caught it, he'd hate me. i didnt want to lose him over that but either way it doesnt matter because i lost him as it is. once again im back to being alone. i dont know, im just in a very emotional state right now, i wish i could just change, but i and everyone know i will never get that chance in a million years, this is who i am now and always will be. some comments would make me feel a little better right about now, does anyone feel the way i feel?
  9. harlow, your comment really just made me feel 100000x better, so therefore i thank you! im feeling a bit down right now since i just got his text about 2 hours ago, i was a wreck so this definitely just helped made me feel better. all your words are so true, im just afraid of facing on how to tell him, like ive told my ex's i have herpes, and they didnt care but this, this whole talk i might have to have with him is completely different, in the sense of the fact that i have to confront him ive given it to him, and hes not even my boyfriend, its awkward and i dont want him to look at me as some "slut" but hes been texting me saying hes not mad and just asked me " so have you ever had anything" like i dont even know what to say to that, at this point i want to say no until i find out if he really has herpes, and if so obviously ill be straight forward and explain to him why i said no and why its such a touchy topic, i hope he understands that what happened to me was not in my own actions and hes well aware he did this to himself because he said sorry i was a bit pushy. but thank you for your advice it helped me if i were to ever have the talk with him, it means the world to me, just a few words like that, really does mean that much to me for something like this. and im always here as well! you and i are in the same boat, im 20, so i can relate with a lot you would have to say or ask for advice ! once again, thank you!
  10. so, ive had herpes for 4 years now, had plenty of boyfriends, none ever caught it from me.. im very responsible when it comes to this virus, but the other night i saw this guy ive been talking too, and things got a little heated, a lot more happened then i had planned. he was a bit aggressive and pushy ... that night i remember i felt a little pain down there, but not anything like an outbreak, obviously i know how one feels from when i got raped, and that was the only outbreak i ever got... but i guess the other night when we were hooking up i wasnt in pain but felt a little tingle, but i thought it was because he was a little aggressive on me, no we did not have sex, but we did everything else... but in the midst of everything out of no where he slipped it in, i instantly jumped away and said no, im not doing that... so long story short, when i went home i was panicing thinking what if he caught it, i kept feeling more pain down there and it began burning when i peed, and i remember that night i had a cut on my lip from having chapped lips and woke up in pain the next day, and it looked like a cold sore, he transfered it to my mouth, thats how i know i was getting an outbreak, so now i was really worried, i went to the gyno and told me i have oral herpes now. like my life couldnt get any worse? now i have both and now this guy might possibly have got it from me. i cried and cried. and just an hour ago i get a text from him.. hey are you there? and those words right there just pretty much expressed he has something. i instantly felt sick to my stomach and my heart sank. ive never dealt with this before and dont know how to deal with it. he said he went to the doctors and that it burned when he peed and that the doctor said it looked like chlamidia or gonorhea so he got medicine for that... but i know i dont have those, so im thinking to myself he has herpes, but he doesnt know because you need a separate test for herpes. so my problem is, i dont know what to do from this point on, hes getting tested in a month if he does not get better, so if he does not feel better in 2/3 weeks i need to confront him and be honest, i just dont know how, im afraid of being judged. im just a mess right now and besides myself. :(
  11. hi Vanessa, i can relate to you by being a young woman getting this STD, i was only 16 when i got it. i was terrified, all i did was cry. im telling you, from my experience it taught me an incredible amount of things, 1. to learn how to never stop loving myself, but only more 2. to appreciate life and that we could of gotten something worse 3. be wiser with who we date and could trust, it could lead to a great relationship and many more things it has taught me. but yes its hard, its scary, its depressing, herpes causes a lot of negative feelings, thats at first when it just happens, eventually it subsides a bit.. it takes time, and i know your young so the constant thought is running through your head on whose going to want to be with you, or if the word gets around, people around our age dont get it and only view it as "dirty" but thats not always the case, people dont look at the bigger picture of it.. people are raped, or dont know if they even have it, or someone didnt tell them they had it and just pursued having sex anyways and giving it to someone innocent. .. theres so many reasons as to why things like this happen. but just dont hate yourself or feel dirty or any of that kind of bullshit because in reality your so much more. never take less than what you deserve from somebody. and by the way dont feel guilty and dont feel like your life is ruined. your still living and breathing and thats what matters, you will find someone who looks within you deeper than what you caught. my heart goes out to you. and im always here to talk xo.
  12. Adrial, your messaged touched me. i'm trying very hard to forgive myself and love myself for who i am because this was an action that i had no control over, and i've been accepting that fact, i shouldn't be dwelling on it, because unfortunately it wouldn't change anything at this point and i should try to begin seeing the positives of having herpes and that if i love myself more, all these negative thoughts constantly running through my head should eventually subside and i wont allow anyone to judge me or look at me as if i am dirty, but that i am a victim and im still the same person i use to be. but thank you for your advice, it helped !
  13. thank you domh21, meant a lot to me.. a few nice words like that can help someone like me with a pretty depressed feel on having herpes and feeling as if im not worthy of love.
  14. well im 20 years old now, 4 year ago when i was 16, i was raped, by a man i didnt know. i was out drinking for my first time, blacked out, woke up in the hospital and was diagnosed with genital herpes. i broke down and cried. i kept telling myself im only 16 how could this happen to me, how do i handle something like this, no one will ever want to be with me, im disgusting. still till this day 4 years later, i feel disgusted and feel like i'd be judged and catch myself crying. i hate the fact that i have something forever now by an action i had no control over. i blame myself because i gave into drinking that one night, and i was always against drinking but i just was young and gave in and of course the one night i was trying to have fun and be a teenager this is what i get. but i cant blame myself for something like that. its not fair . but i need advice because this never leaves my mind and makes my reality hard to go on with when i meet someone. im just afraid i wont be loved or they will look at me with disgust and it just kills me to feel that way.
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