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Tryingtoheal

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Everything posted by Tryingtoheal

  1. I sat down and talked to him. I've been feeling abandoned and rejected by him, which is why I couldn't understand why he would want to discuss this in the first place. I guess this thing is making me a better person already because I was able to listen to him an understand his fear. He said he really didnt know. That he is afraid, confused and frustrated. He still hasn't had his results confirmed yet. And he also admitted that he hasn't been there as he should have(or could have). Perhaps we are in this thing together. I guess time will tell, but I feel so much better because I knew I couldn't move forward being angry and unforgiving towards him. I think I can move forward now. The shock is dulling. I have come to a place of trying really hard to accept this for what it is. I truly want to get to a place of forgiveness for myself and work on loving me better. For the first time since I found out, I think I might just be okay one day.
  2. That's what happened to me. We were together on Monday November 19th and by that Saturday, I was having my first OB. Haven't had one since but I've been taking the Valtrex. Trying to get this thing under control.
  3. The culture tested positive for type 2 but the blood test tested positive for type 1. She said because it was new my body is not recognizing it for what it is (type 2). Plus, I had all of the other symptoms of a primary outbreak (swollen glands in my pelvic area, fever, chills, aching joints, headache, backache ). I just didn't know at the time that was what was happening. I went to the doctor because I thought I had an infection from a cut from shaving. I thought it was a staph infection or something.
  4. Adrial- Maybe I am holding on to this anger. That is highly possible. I'm not completely sure. I just feel so LET DOWN. To add insult to injury, he actually tried to tell me that he went to the doctor and they tested him for EVERYTHING and he tested clean. Oh! An that they have him all of his results before he left the visit. Uuuuugh! I don't want to hear any more lies. Not only is my heart broken, but I have this thing in my body that is never going to go away. This is why I don't know if I want to meet him. The lies are too much for me when I know the truth. Does this make sense?
  5. So, from my first post, I had already addressed the issue of my "giver". He and I have had practically no communication since I was diagnosed, and today he asked if he could come see me tomorrow because he has something he needs to say to me. There is a huge part of me that is ANGRY, incredibly angry. Just for a little history lesson, he and I have been in a monogamous (at least on my behalf) sexual relationship for over a year. I upheld my end of the bargain by going to get tested, in fact, I was just tested 6 months ago. And I SPECIFICALLY requested the herpes blood test. Everything came back clean. When I got the phone call on December 3rd from my doctor, the cut on my lady parts tested positive for herpes type 2 but my blood work tested positive for herpes type 1. Add that to the wacky blood count and the awful flu like symptoms, my doctor was able to tell this was a recent exposure. This is NEW. Oh, and on top of that, I'd tested positive for trichomonis. Before this, I've never had an STD. I've always been a bit of a germophobe. Now, I'm eating Valtrex for dinner. And now, he has something he wants to say. I've been crying myself to sleep. Waking up in tears every day. I don't feel like me anymore. I don't know if it is a good idea to meet with him. What do you guys think?
  6. Nick- Thanks for that. This has just been such a struggle and I'm trying to make sense of this thing. The rational part of me knows I am very fortunate. This could be the big H and not the little one. My first outbreak was relatively painless. Honestly the worst part was feeling like I had the flu. I only had one cut instead of lesions all over and it has actually vanished without a trace. I'm just so amazed that this jerk has come in and completely changed my life and he is lying. About everything. The saddest part is, while I loved him, he didn't love me and I knew it. And now everything is so different for me and he can't even be a friend. It isn't a good feeling at all. I just wonder if, when I'm ready, who is going to want me with this? Are my outbreaks going to get worse? Will my body become dependent on the Valtrex? Just a million questions. I just don't know but I desperately want to be the silly person I was before. I experienced my first herpes joke today at work. I casually mentioned that chicken pox, shingles and cold sores are all caused by herpes. That shut that down! I had to mentally high five myself! I'm trying. I'm fighting. My mom told me this morning that I'm stronger than I think, but I'm just really really afraid.
  7. I appreciate your kind words. Especially from people who know what this is like. I can't even really express how I feel. I almost feel like a part of me has been damaged or broken and I'm not me anymore. I have a close friend who was diagnosed 2 years ago, and I supported her when she found out. I'm not a judgmental person, but it is always different when it is YOU. This is my life. I'd never even had an STD before this. He gave me 2. I'm just really, really angry. Mostly at myself. And I'm trying to figure out how to go day by day when all I see when I look at myself is herpes. I have herpes. I will have it until I die.
  8. I found out the news Monday sitting at my desk at work and I have been in a fog ever since. I was infected the Monday before Thanksgiving. By Saturday, I was sick as a dog experiencing what I know now was my first outbreak. The guy who infected me has not been supportive at all. All I do is cry and walk around in a fog. When does this get better? Will I ever get better? My mind has been taking me to some dark places lately and I know I need to get out of this funk but I am unsure as to HOW.
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