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Misha77

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  1. Yes Adrial, you are right. Everyone has the capacity to hold stigmas. And btw I'm really glad you didn't take that advice. And neither am I (going to take that advice). To basically tell me 'so why not go where you have the greatest chance of meeting THAT guy and stop choosing to think of it as limiting (as in my belief that it is limiting to think that I can only date someone who has herpes)' because 'If you want to date men who don't care- those are going to be men that have herpes already. Those will be the men who can look at who you actually are, get to know you and value you w/o hiding their fear of getting herpes, hurting your feelings and sabotaging the relationship. Everyone is limited in who they can date. That's just real life' is telling me that the ONLY people who will actually like, love and accept me and see me for who I am, is that 2%. And that the rest, the general human population, is not going to accept and see me for who I am. I can only date that 2% and the rest of the human population isn't going to want me? And according to her, this is the 90% general human population that's not going to date someone who has it, and therefore will reject me. I felt like I was being branded the scarlet letter. The thing that upset me is that I felt no compassion from her towards me. That was what really upset me. I thought coaches, of all people, would encompass that trait and want to build up, not to tear someone down. Today, this is the first time in 3 years (that I've been diagnosed) that I've shed tears for herpes. I went back and re read everything, and I did some thinking. This is her truth and beliefs, but it's not mine and it doesn't have to me mine. I've read and known countless successful disclosures and discordant love relationships. But for a moment in time there, I was starting to wonder if the reality is what she says is. I am here, to protect my belief that '"I deserve ANY man who is right for me and herpes isn't a barrier to that." I refuse to believe that only 2% will see me as I am and the rest of the general human population is not going to. That 'you're left with the guys who don't see herpes as a barrier to getting to know you and don't judge you for having a skin condition that most of the world has.' Since when did an annoying little skin condition that never physically affected me gotten in the way of who I am as a beautiful, authentic human being who is capable of love and so much more. And the man that I AM looking for, the one that has integrity, respect, honest, communicative, compassionate, thoughtful, understanding, empathetic, decent. A man who is educated and who is open minded and capable of making an educated decision free of stigma and fear, a man will look past an annoying stigmatized skin condition and see who I am.
  2. It was disappointing to hear her advice, because I've known (either through mine and others' experiences) that simply isn't true, and that there are many successful discordant relationships where one is HSV+ and the other one is HSV-. I haven't really worked with her at all until this challenge, and while the tools that she gives are great, I'm not so sure about her advice, esp with this and that she seemed so adamant regarding this. I just didn't want what she says to undo all the years of work I've put into getting to this point of my journey.
  3. Hey everyone… so recently I had an experience with a love coach, and it left me more puzzled than with clarity. A girl friend of mine got me to join in on a free 14 day date with confidence challenge, and while chatting with the lady who runs this challenge (she’s a love coach) about a question I had asked her about attracting the right man and my herpes status, and the first thing she asked me was if I had ever gone on a dating site for people who have herpes. I answered yes, but that I’ve also been on match.com, because I didn’t want to feel like I’m limited to only dating someone who has herpes. She then goes on saying that ‘Ok. Well, the thing about herpes is that lots of people already have it and are spreading it without knowing it. For the men you will meet that don’t have it, about 90% are not going to want to date someone who has it. So you ARE limited if you want to date men who want to date someone who doesn’t have herpes. If you want to date men who don’t care- those are going to be the men that have herpes already’. She then goes on to say to go on a herpes dating site ‘So why not go where you have the greatest chances of meeting THAT guy and stop choosing to think of it as limiting? What is limiting is trying to find that needle in a haystack guy that isn’t scared off by the possibility of contracting herpes. That is limiting and heartbreaking…’I refuted back by saying that I educate myself on herpes and give the information to my potential partner and let them make that decision, that they make an educated one. I also told her that it is the connection that I'm seeking to build first, and I shouldn't be limited as to only meeting him in a herpes dating site. But I was so disappointed that she basically was saying that I can only date men who have herpes, and that I’m going to be rejected by 90 percent of the men who doesn’t have it because they are not going to want to date someone that has it. I don’t where she gets her information from, or is this from her practice, but I don’t believe this to be true. And also where she says I’m looking for a needle in a haystack guy that isn’t scared of the possibility of contracting herpes (if I’m looking to meet men outside of a herpes dating site). Isn’t this giving into the stigma of it and perpetuates the limiting beliefs that we can develop from having herpes? It was really disappointing and sad to hear her say this, and I can’t help to wonder if there’s any truth to that. I would love Adrial and anyone else here for your input and advice…
  4. Hello everyone! I'm new here, I signed up a while ago and recently started looking around the forum, and now wondering why I haven't jumped in and post sooner! I'm a 39 year old female, and I've had HSV2 for almost 3 years- except for the initial, I have never had another ob since. I had gotten it from my ex, whom we broke up a few months after I was diagnosed (not because of the herpes, but because we were growing apart). Physically it never really affected me, but emotionally I've struggled it. After my ex and I broken up, I put the focus back on me and worked on myself to heal and work through what I was struggling with. I feel like I am finally at a place where I truly love myself and cultivated self compassion and at a place of acceptance. I started dating again last fall, and I recently met and started going out with a great guy named N who is my age and is a family doctor. It's been almost a month, and things are going well so far. At the rate of how things are going, the disclosure talk is in the horizons. My experiences with disclosure hasn't been a whole lot- my first time disclosing was to a good friend of mine whom I dated years ago- he ended up moving back to London, but we stayed in touch and as friends. When he reached out to me saying he may be moving back to Los Angeles (where I live) and wanted to see me again, I disclosed my herpes status to him. It only took a few minutes, he said that I'm still beautiful to him and that this doesn't change anything. We continued to stay good friends and we actually became closer as a result! Although we didn't end up together, I felt that disclosure (which was my first disclosure) went well! Before I met N, I met this guy on POF, and we hit it off. We were talking on the phone for almost a week, and one day we were sharing pics of the art and posters that we have in our homes. I sent him a pic of a vision board I had made for myself, and on the board there was an affirmation I had written about how herpes does not define me or who I am, but it slipped my mind at the time I sent him the pic. He called me the next day asking me about that herpes affirmation. I wasn't prepared to tell him at the time, but he had seen that affirmation in the pic of my board, so I disclosed to him. He didn't take it too well, then said that he needed time to think this over. He ghosted me and never called me after that- that was my first rejection. Back to the present- now that things are going well with N and that a disclosure talk is in the horizons, I'm a bit nervous, especially after experiencing that rejection. And him being a doctor, whom I understand that he's also just a person too, I'm feeling nervous and thinking because of his job and medical training, he probably knows the stats and perhaps know more. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts, opinions, support, etc...
  5. Hi all! I'm a 39 year old female that was diagnosed with HSV2 a year and a half ago. I would love to have a H buddy that also lives in the Los Angeles/Orange County area of southern California- it would be great to have someone to talk to and be friends! Thanks!
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