DrNoLove

People are quick to tell you how you should or should not feel. "Get over it." "It's just a skin disease." "It's not a big deal." "You can have a nice life." etc. If you're not thrilled about having it.. aren't you allowed to feel that way? Stop trying to convince me that I shouldn't care, and that it doesn't matter. It matters. Like I said, I know the science. I know the stats. I know the actual location (not skin - but nerves) of the virus and how it sheds. The information, is irrelevant. Maybe some find peace in it - but I don't. So, please.. stop telling me how I should handle this.

Thank you for the honest replies. Those are honestly the best two replies I've received since joining. I've been processing, support grouping, and talking about this, in one way or another, for over 2 years. It's not better.. and believe me, I don't want to be dealing with this anymore.. I've been considering other avenues, but haven't been able to bring that to fruition yet. And rationally, like I said, I know "the facts". It's different when it's you. It would be nice if I could look at it as "just a skin condition", or "just a number/statistic".. but it's not. That's the reality.

Every time I post on here I get one of two responses.. either the type of placating "aw, I understand sweetie" or nastiness. I've gotten both from the 2 posts I've written/responded to within the last 2 days. I am mad as hell. Counseling isn't going to fix that. It's not going to give me my sex life back, my self-confidence, my body, my 30 seconds twice a day taking these stupid pills, or the rest of the time and space that this takes up in my head when I should be thinking about more important things. Maybe it's not a big deal to you, but it's a big freaking deal to me.. and to a lot of people. I'm not in denial. I don't want to have to disclose. I don't want to have an additional barrier to relationships. I did not ask for this. I did not have a say. And I'm f'ing pissed. So you can pat me on the head all you want, but I've got my claws out. Two years and I'm more angry than I ever was.

I have heard all of this stuff ad nauseum.. the stories.. I've seen this video at least a few times. I've read the statistics. I've read the success stories. I've even seen a lot of the threads out there. None of that changes anything. Because what is going on here in the forum, is NOT what is going on out in the world at large. If this is supposed to be a judgment free zone, then I should be able to share MY opinion and MY experiences without getting flack. That's what I did. There IS a stigma - whether you/we like it or not. People typically assume that someone that has H has gotten it by being promiscuous (yeah, I used that word). That's where they go first. And sure, maybe they know you and know you're a good person, or that you don't sleep around, or are responsible, or maybe they don't care one bit. That is not typical "society". That is YOU. So forgive some of the rest of us if all of the people we are surrounded by aren't so enlightened or kind. Some of us REALLY hurt because of this. Not even remotely sorry... actually....

I don't know how this could be equated to a car accident. A car accident can kill you, do nothing to you, or everything in between. But unless you've been maimed, you heal. Even with PTSD, you can heal. And if you are maimed, and deal with the fallout of it every single day, people look at you with empathy or sympathy and help you. That doesn't happen when people find out that you have H. There's no forgiveness or understanding. There's nothing but judgment. People automatically assume that you "whored around" and that's how you caught.. not that you were in a relationship, or were assaulted, or whatever. If I didn't have this, and the person that I was going to be with did, it's doubtful that I would want to have sex with them. It would have to be a beyond phenomenal relationship for me to even consider it. I can't blame others for feeling the same way.

I'm shocked that you were denied. PP (planned parenthood) gives scripts out like they're candy - with no exam and only a few questions at that.

Electric razors seem to have less of an irritating effect, if you'd rather shave than wax.

I've posted before - a while back. I was diagnosed 6/2014. 1st exposure/no antibodies- from a partner that, despite all of the conversations and discussions about using protection and testing, wasn't, and didn't - against my permission. Last week I went to renew my prescription for acyclovir. I HATE taking that stuff.. it's like a reminder, twice a day, that I trusted the wrong person, and was taken advantage of - among other things. I know the stats. I have the info. I've confronted the person. I've done and read all the things that I'm supposed to do. I can't date. I can't even think about it. I want to stop the meds, but worry what will happen if I do. Life is hard enough without this CONSTANTLY hanging over my head. Sometimes it's just those pills twice a day that remind me.. Others it's all day long - like when I'm around other people, especially men. I honestly don't know how those of you that seem to have such a positive attitude about this, have done it.. I've been in a serious depression for over 2 years of it because of it.. And frankly, I'm tired of it - but knowing that I can't make it go away (H), feel like there's no end.

It's a little bit more complicated than that.. and I'm not disagreeing with you that it's not a possibility. The CCR5 is a gene that controls the expression of CD8 T cells.. CD8 T cells aren't specific to specific viruses, they're nonspecific immune system. So, even if we didn't have the (proposed) anti-HSV gene, we could theoretically mimic that effect by doing all of those things we are supposed to do - like eating right, exercising (but not too much), and reducing our stress levels. This will probably become a pet project of mine.. and I promise I'll report back what I learn.

I did it.. I wrote an email and sent it just now.. He has continued to message me and email me and I just decided to get it off my chest. I'm both terrified and relieved. I asked him not to contact me ever again. I hope he listens. I'm not going to pursue anything else on this. There's no point. I don't want to live in the damage/drama/trauma/past anymore. I have a HUGE, crazy, amazing future ahead of me.. it's about time I move on. :)

Rules for living: Never assume anything.... Don't become attached to outcome.... May I play Devil's Advocate for just a moment? What if you needed this to slow down in a relationship? What if the one night stands and the distractions with sex were keeping you from what you really want? I can quote all the stats that everybody else can.. 1 in 4 women, 1 in 5-6 people total.. 85% of people don't even know they have it. Before too long pretty much everyone will have it. Condoms reduce risk by 50%, antivirals by an additional 50% which means that the risk for a guy to give it to the girl using protection and antivirals is ~4% and for a girl to a guy about 1-2%. I know that not a lick of this is going to make you feel all that much better right now. You're not dirty. Be embarrassed if you want to - but not about this. You were just in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing to get this. Take care of yourself. Don't write off the relationship with this girl just yet - you never know how someone is going to respond to you. Love is Love. Let it Be/unfold/whatever. Having a virus shouldn't prevent you from Love.

I'm gonna be a different voice of reason here... :) All of those dreams that you have? Well, being H+ isn't going to keep you from achieving ANY of them. I was diagnosed last June and I swear I thought I would die.. I was miserable.. had a similar reaction to what you did with the flu symptoms, and honestly thought my life was over. I'm older than you (by quite a bit), but I was married most of my life and only in the last few years got "out there" and did any experimenting.. and yes, my numbers are low too - especially for my age.. BUT.. none of that matters. We're all here. In the last year I've accomplished things that other people dream of. And this June, I'm literally moving across the country and following my dreams. I could have laid down and died or done something equally stupid because of this, but I didn't.. I kept going.. because it's just a thing... it's not me. Like any other thing you could become diagnosed with.. cold.. autoimmune disease, or cancer.. it's just a thing.. it doesn't define you. It's not who you are.. you aren't Herpes. You're you - and all the things that that includes.. you just happen to have it. So, go out there and be who you are going to be. Don't let ANYTHING or ANYONE get in your way. If you wanna be mad at the guy that shared this with you - go for it.. but let yourself heal too.. and that's gonna take time and reflection (I'm working on this myself). oh, and read the post that WCSDancer2010 posted above with "yoga" in the title.. She posted it for me recently and it really hit home. And if you want somebody to talk to.. give me a holler. I may not be able to help with everything, but I'm always good for some sort of perspective. You've got this Girl! Now, go give the world some hell!!!!

Yes, it's likely to sting while you have open sores. It might be worth seeing your doc and getting a script for acyclovir. They might also prescribe some lidocaine gel for you that should numb things up slightly. For me, after the flu-like symptoms subsided, my actual outbreak (the worst of it) was only a few days - but there were dozens of lesions. I actually had started taking antivirals before more than 1 lesion erupted - so it knocked it out fairly quickly. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. Hang in there.

I gotta throw this in here.. LOL (thanks again!) The gene is CCR5 and there's actually a high incidence of it among Northern European peoples. Depending on the expression of the gene (how it all plays out), it can lead to total resistance, partial resistance, etc - to HIV. I'm not an HIV researcher... (<-- disclaimer) BUT... based on what research I've done, I believe this plays a factor in the spread of HIV among Northern European heritage persons. Not so ironically, it also plays a part in plague resistance... I'm 10,000% convinced that the ONLY way to prevent outbreaks/prodrome/etc is by shoring up the immune system. And for someone who is as much of a geek as I am to say that if someone tells me I need to lower my stress level one more time I'm going to punch them in the face, I read.. daily what it does to the body.. not just for HSV infections, but for pretty much everything else.

(I've read several articles stating similar and also widely varying stats). The article quoted the NIH link as well.. As a scientist, the language in that reads: "We don't know. We just used some math models to guess. We THINK it's this - but we can't say for sure. We want to give you guys hope because we know this sucks and you're tired of dealing with this - plus somebody paid us a bunch of money to do some research so we have to report something - even though it's likely not entirely factual. We're really sorry - this is our best guess. With all viruses, keeping the viral load low is probably a good idea. So - you should do that. Since we know so little about the pattern of infectivity in HSV and why/how numbers of viral particles reproduce so rapidly at random periods of time, we're doing our best (which we know isn't good enough) to try to learn something. But - we admit we know nothing. Sorry." We're no closer than we were to finding a cure. I find it more reassuring that they've discovered CD8 alpha-alpha T cells - and that they suppress outbreaks (supposedly) than that they THINK the viral load needs to be 10e4 to cause infection. Here's an interesting NIH publish on viral latency. It's full of jargon - so fair warning. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK8538/?report=reader Given that the virus camps out in the ganglia - including the sympathetic ganglia, any stressor that activates that ganglia can activate the virus. As a researcher, I would be looking more towards binding sites on the cell that activate the virus and increase replication (regarding flares) and binding sites that could be blocked - which would prevent infection in the first place (or just shoring up the immune system such that cells can' be infected at all - the purpose of an immunization). While Lysine (original question) COULD decrease the risk of replication, it wouldn't have anything to do with cell susceptibility. The immune system (natural or acquired immunity) is the only thing that can prevent that. Another important thing to point out is.... Even if we can "prove" that 10e4 viral particles are required for infectivity - that number would only be accurate in whatever type of system it was tested in. Most of these tests are done on animal models (not humans) - so the accuracy is already altered. They're not done on models with similar physical or emotional stress levels as humans/people that become infected. One thing you'll see over and over in STD research is HIV and how the rate of HIV infection increases (last study I read said 3x) in HSV patients. One could argue that that's due to open wounds. Others could argue that it's due to alteration of the immune system from constantly fighting off HSV. Regardless, the immune system is altered - leading to a lower resistance to concomitant infections. In English - it takes fewer viral particles to cause infection. For most of us, our lifestyles are high stress. This increases susceptibility (lower number of viral particles lead to infection) and increases outbreaks (altered immune system fighting off replicating particles/activation of replicating particles due to altered immune system). Thanks for letting me geek out for a bit... :)

I am a Dr and no, I can't see how it would provide any protection based on the studies or how it functions in the body. Lysine interferes with Arginine metabolism which is required for reproduction of the virus. That doesn't mean it can prevent the cells from being infected to start out with. To date, I've not seen any studies that show infectivity levels (how many viral particles it takes under what condition to induce infection) or what biochemical profile occurs within the body that promotes infection. With any and every disorder (viral, bacterial, or genetic/autoimmune) staying healthy is the best defense. Good diet, sleep, low stress, and overall low inflammation would go a lot farther to preventing your partner from getting infected (and even better if YOU are the one following these recommendations because less stress on the body = less recurrence of outbreaks/reduced infectivity) than preventive Lysine dosage. Just my .02

I've decided that if I'm contacted by him, I'll give him the letter (when I write it). Otherwise, it's mine and mine alone. I really appreciate(d) the yoga post. There's a lot of truth there - more than I had really understood.

Love the yoga and self love post. Thank you for sharing it. I will be writing the letter. I have to figure out how I'm going to handle it if he continues to contact me. There's a lot more that has crossed my mind about all of this. I'm slowly dealing with things. I'm hopeful that something will give fairly soon. I am actively working on it. The emotional "trauma" has definitely impaired my ability to physically heal. I'm hoping that they will get better as I start to move forward. Thank You.

Thank You. @startinganew22 ! I've considered the letter.. or an email.. or something.... I guess I just need to decide if it would make a difference for me... I really Love the idea of writing it and then burning it.... and then walking away from the situation. I think one of the things that bothers me the most is that he would have me act as if nothing happened - that I should start seeing him again after a year has passed, no apology or concern with my well-being of any kind, and that he thinks that he deserves to be in my life. That type of behavior has nothing whatsoever to do with a disease or condition - unless it's being a douchebag. I'm pretty sure you can't catch that one.. it's a choice. This is helping... Thank You.

You're not telling me anything I don't already know.. and it's not tough love - just the same story. As far as russian roulette goes, we both had tests done. The difference was that I'd had ALL of them. He thought he had too. It's truly rare to have to actually show papers to someone - especially someone that you are dating and supposedly trust. I acknowledge that it was my downfall to have not been more clear. I know that I could have caught it even with a condom - but the chances would have been less as we are constantly preaching to each other. We'd discussed it before. He was supposed to use one. In fact, they were less than 2 feet from the bed. He took my choice away. I had no say. I won't explain the details of the situation - but I had NO say. THIS makes me angry. I'm angry with how I was treated after, and how I'm treated now - by him. Personally, I feel like he really needs to know how much damage he's caused to others. I have to wonder how many other women he's infected. I hope, someday, that he finds out. And I realize that it doesn't do a d(*% bit of good because nothing can fix what has happened. But maybe it would encourage him to stop being a #$)k! I keep hearing people say "nuisance virus" and this and that.. NONE of that makes it any better. Of course I have the facts of the matter. Facts are not the issue here. Emotions are the issue. All the facts in the world mean nothing if how you FEEL is drastically different. Reason means nothing where emotions are involved. I can read all of the studies and know that this is this, and that is that, and it doesn't help me forgive myself or anyone else. It doesn't help me come to peace with what has happened - which is the problem I'm having and why I posted here in the first place. What upsets me is not just that I have to carry an additional piece of baggage with me for the rest of my life - with its difficulties (or benefits). What bothers me is that I was violated. The trust was violated - and there's nothing I can do about it. "I" was violated and there's nothing I can do about it. And the person that did this to me, doesn't think or act anything about it (as far as I can tell). He'd happily pick up where we left off as though nothing happened and the past year and his reaction/lack of reaction but desire to be with me still continues. He had the nerve to ask me if we were "ok". How could I be "ok"? It would be easier for me to forgive infidelity than taking away someone's choice. What I wanted to do, was tell him how I feel - get it off my chest. I know it won't take the virus away. But somehow I feel like it would help me to heal.

Kidney and liver function need to be checked. I have had few complications, that I'm aware of, from being on acyclovir 400/400 for the last 11 months. But I haven't been symptom free by any stretch. I have symptoms about every other month - whether it's prodrome sensation or an outbreak. The outbreaks are VERY small... 3-4 lesions or a small patch. I'm not sure that anyone else would notice these things, but I'm super sensitive to everything with my body, so I always notice. I also take ~2g of lysine daily, along with a myriad of other supplements. I can't imagine what it would be like without treatment. I'm hoping that I'll find some balance and things will calm down more - but it hasn't been a total picnic for me like it has for some of the others.

I've had the hardest time... I'm still trying to make peace with the diagnosis - almost a year later.. and with the person who gave me H. Tonight I met up with him after almost a year - partly with the intention of giving him a piece of my mind and letting him know how much I have to put up with this (still having issues on meds - natural and prescription about every other month) and how much it's affected my social life, my ability to trust people etc. While our "act" was consensual, the circumstances weren't. I didn't get to make the choice that he did - not wearing a condom even though we explicitly discussed it... When I was there across from him tonight (public place), I wanted so bad to yell and scream and punch him (I'm REALLY a non-violent, non-angry person - so this is really big for me).. but I couldn't... I still have all of these things to say to him that I can't seem to bring myself to say. I'm still really hurt and angry.. He didn't know he had it... and didn't have any symptoms. He finally went and got tested after I was diagnosed and confirmed it. He told me, after the fact, that he was going on antivirals so it didn't happen to any other girl he was dating, but we all know it doesn't really work that way. After I stopped talking to him after my diagnosis, he went on to date someone else. That seemed to last until just recently. That made me angry too. Why should he get to be happy and active when I continue to be miserable? How can I let this go? I know that I need to. I know that things are what they are, and none of it was done maliciously. I know that it's quite likely that my symptoms will slow down/subside before too long (statistically speaking), and I know that I'm more than the virus - and that even though I don't want to have to have that "discussion".. it is what it is... I just want to stop feeling this way emotionally. I'm not normally like this.. at all...I don't hold onto stuff... How did you guys do it?

As a medical professional, I can tell you that the profession - as a whole, is un/misinformed. I'm not making excuses for the guy or the doc - just stating a fact. I'm suspicious, as others have stated, of someone that would involve a potential significant other in their child's life that quickly. That causes all kinds of issues with kids of divorce. I know that you may not feel this way, but you ARE better off.

I don't know how he'll react. I can't predict that. None of us can. All that you can do is tell him, give him space to mull it over, and then be there to answer questions if he's ready. I still think the idea about having papers ready is a good one. No matter how you bring it up, you have to be willing to walk away or stay. Hang in there.

I feel like I'm having to defend myself, here. That definitely doesn't feel right. I thought we were here to support each other, rather than criticize someone else's state of mind. People feel how they feel. They have reasons for that - no matter how dysfunctional. I have circles of friends. I think we all do.. acquaintances, people we hang out with but don't have long meaningful discussions with, etc etc. and then our inner circle. I happen to not have an inner circle. Why would I want to share my deepest thoughts with people I barely know? You know that bothers me about how I contracted H? It's not that I contracted it (mind you, I'm not thrilled about that either), it's that he penetrated me bare - without my permission. That's been a hard thing for me to deal with. Yes, I know that he didn't know he had it.. and that when he said he was tested for everything, he actually thought that he was - and it's MY fault that I didn't make sure. (Although it should have been less of an issue since he was supposed to use protection). And it bothers me that he was/has been a douchebag ever since it happened. I was supposedly his girlfriend, and he treated me like I was meat. THAT bothers me. I think I'm entitled to be a little bit upset about that. And yes, eventually I will get over it. But I'm not there yet. Not knowing me, and assuming that I need to learn certain things based on things said or unsaid, is really putting me on the defensive (and is one of my biggest pet peeves with people). Just like how people might assume that (social stigma) someone was promiscuous and that's how they contracted H, people make judgments based on what they (think they) see, what they (think they) hear, and what they (think they) read. Perhaps this is the wrong venue for me - and that trying to work through my thoughts and feelings by posting here is NOT appropriate.