I haven't posted here much besides 1 initial post near the beginning of my herpes journey, which I started at the end of October 2012. It hasn't been a terribly long time, but I have dealt with it in very unhealthy ways... Mostly, denial. But you can go back and read how negative I was about it back then... I have gotten better, but I admit, I'm not all there yet.
Anyway, I just had to share a positive disclosure story, because it is something I never thought would happen. Well, I was wrong.
I'm going to be perfectly honest.. sometimes, when I read positive disclosure stories I have this awful way of assuming the guy or gal accepting the disclosure might be ugly, strange, uneducated, and just plain can't get anyone else.. Sorry, I know that isn't true, but that is the story my mind pictures...
Well, I met a guy in February. He was out of town for work for a few months, so we only texted for about two and a half months. He is very good looking, very educated, smart, funny, personable....all of that.
When he got back, we started going out. I could tell he was really into me, and I was into him, but I held myself back because I didn't want to get my heart too involved...Well, too late. We started hanging out more and more, and honestly, I started trying to plan my escape because I didn't want to tell him. But I just couldn't let myself go there, and unfortunately things ended up going further than I had intended. (No sex, but plenty of everything else..although I made sure there was no rubbing and genital contact..)
So eventually, I figured I have to tell him, and if he leaves I'll be okay, but I can't keep doing what I'm doing.. and he is such a great guy that I can't just invent an excuse and ditch. It was probably the most courageous thing I have ever done, but I must admit I did it through email and then we had a phone conversation.
I could tell he was shook up and shocked, but he kept reassuring me, "I'm not going to just leave. I really like you. And I want to be with you. You're an amazing person, and we'll get through this. This changes things, but it doesn't change how I feel about you..." Basically, it led to him saying that he wants to be in a relationship, and not just casually dating.
Wow, well I certainly didn't expect it to open the door to start a relationship. I guess that is the opportunity, eh?
I do feel bad, like maybe I led him on for too long and he was too invested and cared about me too much before I told him. For that I feel guilty. Should I? I mean when is the balance to tell when its too early and when its too late (emotionally)?
I need to figure that out for next time. If there is a next time... haha
But I learned so many things out of this. First, I'm really NOT going to be alone forever. Sure, it is more difficult to date, but anyone who truly cares about you is going to stick around. It reassured me that this is not going to make a lasting impact on my life. Second, people are more accepting than you think. Everyone has problems.. and I guarantee a lot of people would gladly takes herpes to fix whatever is going on in their lives. And last, I need to work A LOT on myself. Even as he is saying these things, giving me a positive disclosure... I don't feel worth it. I don't feel like I deserve him. And well he is a great guy, I don't want to be tied to him forever, just because he is amazing enough to accept this. There are other factors in a relationship, too. I can't help but feel he is going to research it one, find a particularly negative article or some misinformation, and not be able to handle things anymore.
But it has been 2 days, and we are seeing each other on Friday, but he has been talking to me like normal, calling me our stupid pet names etc....
So I just wanted to share with you guys and I hope this encourages someone out there!