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danielle330

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Everything posted by danielle330

  1. Thanks everyone for the positive comments. And just a little update... We have been having sex at least 2-3 times a day.. (With condoms....) I was afraid he would be a little sqeamish around me...but no such thing...he is still very, very much attracted to me. :) I have hardly thought about herpes since I told him, and that feels awesome! For the newly diagnosed, don't worry too much if the internet/forums freak you out like they did me (not really this one, though), because they are full of posts from newly diagnosed, and many quit visiting or contributing once they realize it's not a big deal, simply because they stop thinking about it.
  2. I haven't posted here much besides 1 initial post near the beginning of my herpes journey, which I started at the end of October 2012. It hasn't been a terribly long time, but I have dealt with it in very unhealthy ways... Mostly, denial. But you can go back and read how negative I was about it back then... I have gotten better, but I admit, I'm not all there yet. Anyway, I just had to share a positive disclosure story, because it is something I never thought would happen. Well, I was wrong. I'm going to be perfectly honest.. sometimes, when I read positive disclosure stories I have this awful way of assuming the guy or gal accepting the disclosure might be ugly, strange, uneducated, and just plain can't get anyone else.. Sorry, I know that isn't true, but that is the story my mind pictures... Well, I met a guy in February. He was out of town for work for a few months, so we only texted for about two and a half months. He is very good looking, very educated, smart, funny, personable....all of that. When he got back, we started going out. I could tell he was really into me, and I was into him, but I held myself back because I didn't want to get my heart too involved...Well, too late. We started hanging out more and more, and honestly, I started trying to plan my escape because I didn't want to tell him. But I just couldn't let myself go there, and unfortunately things ended up going further than I had intended. (No sex, but plenty of everything else..although I made sure there was no rubbing and genital contact..) So eventually, I figured I have to tell him, and if he leaves I'll be okay, but I can't keep doing what I'm doing.. and he is such a great guy that I can't just invent an excuse and ditch. It was probably the most courageous thing I have ever done, but I must admit I did it through email and then we had a phone conversation. I could tell he was shook up and shocked, but he kept reassuring me, "I'm not going to just leave. I really like you. And I want to be with you. You're an amazing person, and we'll get through this. This changes things, but it doesn't change how I feel about you..." Basically, it led to him saying that he wants to be in a relationship, and not just casually dating. Wow, well I certainly didn't expect it to open the door to start a relationship. I guess that is the opportunity, eh? I do feel bad, like maybe I led him on for too long and he was too invested and cared about me too much before I told him. For that I feel guilty. Should I? I mean when is the balance to tell when its too early and when its too late (emotionally)? I need to figure that out for next time. If there is a next time... haha But I learned so many things out of this. First, I'm really NOT going to be alone forever. Sure, it is more difficult to date, but anyone who truly cares about you is going to stick around. It reassured me that this is not going to make a lasting impact on my life. Second, people are more accepting than you think. Everyone has problems.. and I guarantee a lot of people would gladly takes herpes to fix whatever is going on in their lives. And last, I need to work A LOT on myself. Even as he is saying these things, giving me a positive disclosure... I don't feel worth it. I don't feel like I deserve him. And well he is a great guy, I don't want to be tied to him forever, just because he is amazing enough to accept this. There are other factors in a relationship, too. I can't help but feel he is going to research it one, find a particularly negative article or some misinformation, and not be able to handle things anymore. But it has been 2 days, and we are seeing each other on Friday, but he has been talking to me like normal, calling me our stupid pet names etc.... So I just wanted to share with you guys and I hope this encourages someone out there!
  3. Thanks so much for your kind words. I really love the vibe of this message board. I've visited a few since diagnosis, and while they seemed supportive, I couldn't escape the feeling of a negative energy there. So I appreciate all that you do. And to Adrial, thank you for your Youtube videos, which is how I discovered this board. It's very nice to put a face to the virus, and a cute one at that :) It's strange what a total rollercoaster I am on emotionally. I seem to experience every single stage of grief, every single day.. I just know I can't let this have the power of my life and steal my joy. I'm just not sure how to get there. It's been pretty hard to control my negative thoughts because I have a lot of fear involved. Mostly fear about finding love and having as fulfilling of a relationship as I would have previously. I am bummed I can't have my care-free twenties, and every relationship has to involve a stressful disclosure and fear of transmitting. But I'm trying to look at the bright side, and relationships have caused me so much pain even in my short life, that perhaps limiting the amount of guys I pursue isn't so bad for my emotional well-being in the long run.
  4. Hi everyone, I am 21 years old and recently diagnosed with herpes at the end of October. Like everyone I'm sure here feels, I cannot believe this happened to me.. 2 months in I'm still in shock, in combination with all of the other stages of grief. Physically, it hasn't been terrible so far. One initial herpes outbreak and one tiny sore a month or so later. I pray it is in dormancy from now on. But emotionally, I have never felt pain like this before. I've never been promiscuous. I had a boyfriend for almost four years throughout college. He was my everything, everyone thought we were perfect for each other and so did I. He treated me amazingly (or so I thought), and even my family loved and respected him. A few months before we broke up, he started acting strange and picking fights. Then he broke up with me out of nowhere, over a seemingly small fight. I was devastated, we still talked, and then months later he admitted he cheated on me while we were together and that is why he was acting so weird. Now to make things worse, he has been in a relationship with the girl he cheated on me with for several months. Seeing them happy and carefree is absolute agony for me. I can't explain how heartbroken I am, and we broke up in March! I learned about the cheating in July, and we stopped all communication then. After this trauma, I started dating a guy in August. I had a bad feeling about him in general, but ignored it because I was so desperate to move on too, and he gave my very, very bruised ego a little boost. We were casually dating for a couple months, and the week before I contracted it, I tried to end it with him. I had a feeling he was with other girls.. But he assured me he was not, and we continued our relationship. A week later I came down with herpes.. He claims he has never had any symptoms. I am hesitant to believe him, but he did go visit the clinic the next day and sent me a picture of his arm after the blood test. However, come to find, the doctors did not even test him for herpes because he didn't have an outbreak....Um, okay. Since my diagnosis, he claimed he would always be there for me. He has been anything but there for me. In fact, he is now not even responding to me and acting like a complete asshole. Anyway, I just need some help coping. I am so young that I can't believe I will have to live with this. Gone are any care-free twenties. I am fairly confident most days that I will find someone who can love me with this. But I don't feel like I will be comfortable enough to take the chance of transmitting it, unless I am going to be with that person forever. I guess I'll be getting married a little earlier than I had previous planned... And even when I find someone, I am worried it will change sex. I'm worried he will always hold back, and we won't be able to enjoy sex the same way as I was before. I am a very sexual person, and the fact that sex might always be different is really devastating. I let the herpes diagnosis overshadow absolutely every other joy in my life. Herpes overshadows everything, and I don't know HOW to stop. I feel selfish and terrible feeling depression over something like this, when millions have something more devastating in their lives. But I can't seem to help it. I think I may need to seek some professional help. This diagnosis mixed with the cheating boyfriend I still can't get over, has sent me into a whirlwind emotionally. Being left and cheated on has really effected my self-esteem, and herpes has just destroyed it. I've tried to change my thinking, I've tried to stop obsessing over it.. But it haunts me, even in my dreams. Thanks for anyone who reads this terribly long post.
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