cloacina

Thank you so much for your support! I didn't truly believe I had a chance with this guy, and I'm hopeful that I'll meet someone one day that likes me for who I am with my unfortunate luck, weird sense of humor, and everything else that makes me who I am. :-)

*single parents not patents.

I haven't posted in a while, I guess because I've been symptom-free for about that time. Last post I was thinking about dating and how to do it. No success stories here. I have developed a crush on an unlikely person, though. We work at the same company, but it's huge and we're in different divisions. I'm in IT and he's in Personnel. He's like a newer rendition of Jimmy Stewart, and as cute as as he absolutely clueless. He's got a vintagey sort of charm about him, and he's extremely clean cut and well put together. He's a bit awkward and shy, and he's genuinely nice. I'm definitely awkward and shy, but I'm a bit less clean cut, I cuss like a sailor (prerequisite to working in the oilfield), I have tattoos, crazy hair, and while I dress professionally, still a little "edgey". I'm a really sweet person (after coffee) and I have a killer sense of humor. We are both full time single patents, and he made it a point to tell me he was single. He flirts with me, always smiles at me, and always makes a point to say hi. I thought that all meant something, but now I think I was wrong. So for the shitty event: last week, as I was picking my 3 year old from daycare, my car was broken in to and my purse and all of its contents was stolen. I don't have a lot of "valuable" material possessions, but my phone, my money, and you know, all of the things you carry to get you by were probably the most valuable material possessions I do own. My son's favorite Lightning McQueen car was in my purse along with some sentimental things from my beautiful mother that passed away recently. Drivers license, checks, keys, insurance cards.... Yeah, everything. Sadly, I bet most of it is rotting in a ditch or dumpster somewhere (I live in a pretty big city). And not that I run out and seek pity or anything, but strangely, most people have not been terribly sympathetic. I've gotten scolded more than anything else, which I deserve, I suppose for leaving my purse in a locked car at my son's daycare unattended for mere moments. But I'm not searching for sympathy just not looking to get scolded. Trust me, Lesson learned. Now back to Jimmy Stewart. I ran into him, and we've talked on occasion about certain topics and developed a very friendly report, so I wanted to share the event with him. I told him what happened just sort of matter-of-factly, and even cracked a little joke about it. He basically, dryly said "Wow, that sucks" and abruptly turned to talk to another girl as she walked by, which he had never behaved like that towards me before. I was a little shocked. I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and walked off. No sympathy. Why is that? I would sympathize with someone. I know not everyone is the same. I had never really delivered a "bad news" type conversation to him, so maybe he sucks at complicated situations? So, is this how he would have reacted to a disclosure, if he were ever an option for me? Well, today I'm having a full on OB probably from the stress, plus I have other things to concern myself with at the moment. But I wonder if that's a good test to see how someone would react? If someone can't handle stressful situations or conversations well, they probably wouldn't handle a disclosure well? What do you think?

@BlueBetty At least you aren't afraid to admit that. There are many stages in grief. Trust me, I know this all too well. @MMissouri Me too! You're 6'?! That's awesome! I hope you find your someone, too. I'll be rooting for you!

@Blue Betty are you joking or making a point? I'm not against dating someone with herpes...shit, I'd be a hypocrite if turned down someone in the same boat as me. In fact, I'd love to date a single dad because I'd feel some common ground because I'm a single mom. But I'm a firm believer that love is blind, and sometimes love comes from opposite experiences. This site always stresses to not limit yourself, and I think that means to keep your heart open to love without judging someone because of a "stigma" if they are a good person. Really, that's all I care about. Do you have a good heart? Are you of sound mind? Do your actions parallel your words? Are you honest and trustworthy? Do you know what love, empathy, and compassion are and do they come naturally to you? That's what I care about. The other stuff is just life. Everyone has some sort of stigma.

@optimist I tried OK CUPID a long time ago (at the suggestion of my brother), but I had pretty awful luck with it. I don't know if I want a physical relationship yet...just get to know people. Yeah, Tinder does have a really bad reputation around here. It could be the pool of people in my area that aren't so great either. I just never took online dating seriously, but I think I may give it a shot. Thank you for your feedback.

@optimist it's awesome to hear of other tall women! Most of the time I feel like a freak show. I was in an elevator packed full of people the other day and it dawned on me that I was the tallest person (!!) in there. It's kind of cool and kind of disheartening at the same time...lol. The lady I was with is probably 5' tall, and she told me to never where heels again! I just laughed cause that ain't gonna happen!

The funny part about it is that I'm tall and "thick". In heels, I'm easily 6'3". Normally, I'm just about 5'11". I read a post about how people always assume tall girls are skinny, but there are exceptions to that rule...lol...and they call us glamazons, which I thought was ridiculously cheesy, but a little reassuring there are more out there like me. What do you think about dating sites? What's your take on them?

Thank you for responding. Honestly, the article ends there. No offers of ever getting out of the loneliness, but I originally posted because most of the people I see regularly tell me, "you should start dating again." I feel like I'm at a point where I'm not totally turned off by the idea, you know? I have never, ever, not once ever had a healthy relationship. But I'm a hopeless romantic. I've always "settled" because I don't get that much attention from the male population, and I always thought it was because I was ugly...but I'm not...I am, however, very tall (especially in heels, which I love) and I am only assuming that most men are intimidated by tall, amazon women (in heels...lol). Plus, I have co-dependency issues, and other toxic stuff from years of "settling" for abusive men (coming from an abusive childhood). I'm no victim either. I'm grateful for what I've learned and I'm still full of hope, love, and light. I know most of the time I'm deep in thought and I have a bad case of RBF (resting bitch face), and that may make it difficult for people to approach me (in general), but I'm working on these things. I am surrounded by people "in love", in relationships, and married. I'm a single mom, too. I love my kids, period. I do feel cheated at times that neither of their fathers were healthy enough (or man enough) to be there for their kids. My awful choice in men (because of my tragic self-worth) led to me having two beautiful, awesome children and becoming a single mom. I selfishly just want to experience love...the real kind...with a man, and I think the article resonated because I still have work to do on me. I don't want to settle for the next abusive jerk that pays me attention because I am lonely. I want to be with someone who loves me for me (stigmas and baggage included) so that I can love them in return. It sounds silly, but I have so much love to give and I feel a little cheated and denied because of my experiences, but I have hope that if I met that right dude that it would be mutual and not one-sided. If not, I still can learn to love myself and love my kids. Does this make sense?

Responding to my own post: In a world where everyone has someone, but me, I was feeling lonely and vulnerable until I got the reassurance that, maybe I'm not ready yet. I read this article and the last two paragraphs really resounded with the truth in my life. http://thoughtcatalog.com/melissa-faulkner/2015/12/read-this-if-everyone-has-a-boyfriend-but-you/ Excerpt from the article: When everyone has a boyfriend but you, the sad reality is, you probably cry less. Because nothing is quite as painful as being completely alone while you hold hands with a hollow ghost. Nothing is as painful as fighting and struggling for real love, while love stares you in the face and lets you drown. Nothing is as painful as screaming silently, while you force yourself to numb how you are feeling, in hopes that it will make him stay. When everyone else has a boyfriend but you, you learn to cherish the moments of sadness. Because you’re making space for something else. Someone else. Someone that will do more than stand next to you. They will BE next to you. They will hold a space for you. Because not everyone that stands next to you will fully be there. And all the nights of loneliness will teach you what it feels like to just “be.” To just be here. To be here now. To be you. To stop numbing. To stop filling your space with someone that just numbs you. Because nothing is as painful as the moment you realize you’ve been dimming yourself – when you know you are capable of so much light. TC

I don't even know where to begin...No really, how do you date? I've gotten to a point where thinking about a future partner seems like a good idea, but I have no clue how to even date...or even get anyone to notice me. I've been a serial monogamist my whole life...minus a couple of experiences...and I've only been with only a few people (2 in the last 12 years-I'm 34). I've joked before about how sorry my dating profile would be if I ever had one, but even living in a big city with millions of people, I feel...invisible...and I'm a taller lady that's kind of hard to miss, even if you were trying to. I have stacked all of my baggage and "stigmas" against me, and I still think I'm awesome, but I still can't force myself to jump. I have had a really tough decade...and an even tougher year (losing my mother who was more like a best friend/sister), but something is telling me I'm ready. It could be that everyone I know has been saying, "you may want to start dating again" and I don't know it's because they think I'm lonely and going to turn into a crazy cat lady...(and I don't even like cats) or if they are genuinely concerned. By the way, nothing wrong with being a crazy cat lady, if you are one. I read all of the posts about brave people getting in the trenches and facing rejection or having success stories, but I can't even get anyone to notice me. Granted, I haven't really been trying. No one seems to even see me though....so I that's why I don't try. I truly don't mind hanging with myself (and my super cool kids) but I'd selfishly like to be liked...and maybe loved one day...so that I could like/love someone in return, which that would be a first for me anyway...someone loving me, I mean. All of you out there trying to erase stigma with one disclosure at a time...you are my heroes! Keep it up! Hopefully, one day I will be right there with you!

I can only try. :-) loving my kids is easy; loving myself is not.

@Yoga What a douche! Guys that speak/text like that make me cringe! All you need to say is "NEXT!" He's obviously got some growing up to do, and you're better off brushing off your collar and walking away. @WCS Dancer LMFAO! He's a douche too, and your response was EPIC! @Train All you should have said was, "Watch me! But it's not cheating if I don't have a girlfriend. Later." Find someone who won't play games with you or shove your insecurities in your face. We deserve better than that.

Amen, sister! I feel the same. Even after months of being awesome, that something (or in my case, that someone) comes out of the shadows to haunt you. The kink in your armor is penetrated and you crumble. As I looked at the last instance, and the fragments of myself at my feet, I wondered how the hell I'd put me back together. So, I wallowed, ate an entire carton of ice cream and said, Fuck it. Yeah, I cried. Yeah, it hurts. But there's a choice: this can defeat me or this can make me fight harder. I'm good with being single. I can do bad on my own...or maybe I can do alright. We do need to tell more women to find love within themselves. I tell my daughter everyday how loved she is just because she exists. She's a wonderful and beautiful child. So is my son. If I can raise two kids from a "broken" home to feel whole and loved within themselves, then I count that as a win. If there's a man or not, we'll be ok either way.

@2legit You're right. I am dooming myself before even getting started. I sincerely know in my heart I'm not ready to date, so I'm really not even trying. I just feel lonely sometimes, especially when I see happy married couples raising their nuclear family units. I truly don't think I've ever felt a happy, healthy love with a man, and I know my lack of self-worth has a lot to do with that. I am trying to cultivate self-love, and most of the time, I'm ok. Other times, I just wallow in a little puddle of self-pity. I get to point where I'm tired of whining, put my big girl pants on and fiercely work on the things that need to be healed. I'm human and I falter, though. And I almost think I'd rather throw myself in a shark tank with an open wound than ever having anything to do with my psycho ex lol! Seems intense, But I'd have a better time trying to survive the sharks than my ex. Herpes isn't a life-stopper it just sucks that when my cards are down, herpes is waiting in the wings to punctuate for me. But alas, life goes on. You're always so real, and I always appreciate your advice. Thanks, lady! @Sil88 You're right too. I'll be back in the zone soon, just needed to let out some air. And, yeah, it would just be a friend. I'm not looking to offer myself to someone in that way yet because of my track record with picking guys that treat me like coal rather than a diamond (stealing your simile). I had lost my faith in men for a long time, or people in General, but I know good men are out there, and I want to raise my son to be a good man. Side note: no one has ever compared me to Fergie and that is an absolute compliment, so thank you, but as 2legit said, Everyone has their preferences and I seem to be more of an acquired taste lol! Side note 2: I'm not a writer, but I write constantly. I want to write a novel one day, but I am not sure yet what it Will be about. @whitedaisies Thank you, and I should probably smile more. That's something I'm working on. It is a struggle, isn't it! It does get better with each passing day. @Stillmebutwiser omg! Our stories are so similar that It's scary! Please PM me and tell me more. How long have you been going through this? How are you healing from your situation? I'd love to swap war stories and try to find better ways of coping. And no, No supplements or medicine. I try to eat right and avoid the bad stuff, but I'd definitely take some suggestions for folks on a budget.

I'm on OB number 6, and this one is the worst since my first, which was 20 times worse than this one. But it seems to be spreading over a wider region. I have sores everywhere right now, and it sucks. I don't think about herpes unless I'm having an OB, and I always have one when I'm stressed. I'm massively stressed right now with my psycho ex, custody and legal battles, the faulty "justice" system here, student loans, and work. I try not to think about it, but I feel like no one will want me. Single mom of two kids (two dads-one of which is a psycho meth addict) and a couple of STDs (I should try putting that on a dating profile...lol)... I feel like all of the good I've done won't matter. I have my own house (though it's not much to look at), my own car (that my ex wrecked and I don't have the money to fix), a great job that I'm reasonably successful with, a bachelor's degree, and I do it on my own. No child support or government aid (mainly because I've been denied because my gross income exceeds poverty level...no one takes into account the measly disposable income I get after paying my bills)-and I'm not judging those that do get help. I wish I could get a break. I have no family near, and pretty much don't have time for life outside of work and home. I don't want too date, but a male companion would be nice at times. I've posted previously about not being the prettiest of ladies. And I guess herpes is the final nail in the coffin of any hope I had of dating ever again. I do however think having a psycho ex is worse than having herpes. Rant over, just needed to vent.

@Salex I am moved by your story, and I'm glad it seems you've come almost full circle. Thank you for sharing your story.

@ Salex I'm sincerely glad what I wrote helped you. And you are right. The fact that you realize this gives you strength from the fear that holds you back from disclosing and living your life as you were meant to. Once you release that fear and learn to love yourself, H, flaws, and all, sets you up for more love to receive and give. I wish you the best of luck on your journey! I still have a long road, but I'm getting there. :-)

What is super cool about this is it sort of hits you with, "well damn, what were we so worried about?" The infographic you posted and the "straight dope" one along with the ones provided on this site are enough for me to say H isn't really that big of a deal. Outbreaks suck, and disclosure is kind and considerate, but it really makes you think...all of the folks that are turning down good people with H, how do THEY know they don't have it too? I was so naive when my journey began just a few months ago. There are much worse and scarier diseases out there than H, and we can live life as usual with a few minor adjustments. Thank you for posting this!! Maybe the rest of the world will come to grips with it soon too.

You state your feelings and thoughts so eloquently! And exquisite choice on quotes! I loved your post!

@Anna01 thank you so much! It is soul-crippling to be on the receiving end of such hateful garbage. And the "sticks and stones" addage is massively incorrect. When you've been told things your whole life and the same hurtful messages keep getting repeated, one can't help but start to believe it. It's a bewildering feeling to reach adulthood and still have that damaging internal dialogue replaying in the back of your mind over and over again. Compliments are worthless because with that mental tape recorder playing the same messages repeatedly, its deafening and one can't hear anything else... Until, they realize, you know what? I'm not so bad. Yeah, I'm weird and a bit awkward, and I have unusual likes and an unusual sense of humor. I'm not a bad person. While some people are bad, they generally won't admit it. Those that can look deep within themselves and truly know their flaws and try to improve them...are not bad People. I was part of a seminar and the woman speaking was a genius! She said, imagine saying the things you say to yourself to a 5 year old child. "You're worthless! You're ugly! You're scum! You're not worth the air you breathe! I hate you! I hate you!" Can you truly see yourself saying these things to a child? Imagine you standing there hearing someone say this to a child! My mother hen instinct would beat someone senseless if I heard them saying this to a child! Then imagine you were that child. What do you do then? Would you continue repeating that to the you as a child or would you take that child in your arms and comfort them? Self-love is just that. When a child or puppy or young creature is conditioned to believe they are worthless, guess what? They feel worthless and will act accordingly, whether becoming an abuser themselves to regain power or be a broken soul always searching for that SOMETHING that fixes them. They have the answer the whole time! Its them! They can fix it! No, we shouldn't and can't take responsibility for the experiences we had that have hurt us (we didn't deserve that!), but we can change how we feel about them and ourselves. She said it way more eloquently than I have; I'm merely just paraphrasing. Anyway, sometimes having that internal dialogue amplified and heard (through abuse) is the only way a stubborn butt like me finally got it. I don't wish that on anyone... But I get it now, and instead of yelling and screaming horrible things at myself now, I try to imagine that little me (or my daughter or my son), give me (or my kids) a hug, and say everything is ok and you are loved no matter what. :-)

You sincerely gave me a warm and fuzzy! I'm so glad you liked it! I hear so many beautiful, amazing people give reasons and excuses not to be loved or worthy of love, and it hurts my heart. I still have my training wheels on with this self-love thing, and Sometimes I really suck at it, but I almost feel obligated somehow as a parent to teach my kids at a young age not to be a slave of stigma and smallmindedness. I am glad to have the experiences I have so maybe I have hope at teaching my kids things I had to learn the excruciating way.

This is truly amazing.

What defines ugly? Is being told you're entire life that you're ugly by a father and significant others mean you're ugly? Is being dogged out by other females calling you ugly you're entire life mean you're ugly? Is getting broken up with because "you have an awesome personality, but...." more than once mean you're ugly? Does the fact you're significant others not want to look at your face during sex mean you're ugly? Does getting told you're a "dog" on multiple occasions mean you're ugly? When the only guys that tell you that you are pretty are the evil ones that know you're wounded prey and quite possibly desperate enough to date someone that will use and abuse you, does that mean you're ugly? Is looking in the mirror and imagining a paper bag over your head as an improvement mean you're ugly? What happens now that I have herpes and have been told I'm ugly my whole life? I could never imagine telling anyone that they were ugly, let alone my own children. Yet my entire life someone was telling me I was ugly. On the other hand, people that knew me saw beauty in me. Do I think I'm ugly? Sometimes, but though I know I'm not conventionally attractive, I know I'm not ugly. Being ugly and being unattractive have been my stigma my entire life. I thought that because I was ugly, I wasn't worthy. No, I didn't date much ever. I was so insecure. I decided that I was going to strive to be a good person, so much that I let people use, abuse, and exploit my kindness. It wasn't until my integrity was brutally attacked that I realized I wasn't a hideous beast. My integrity is me and it's genuine and true. The lesson I learned: There's more to life than being pretty or ugly. I know that's shallow, but growing up with you're physical features being analyzed and torn down in such a superficial culture is shallow. As I've learned, people judge other people based on how they look. Tragedies in life could leave us scarred, and physical beauty can be taken away so quickly. Herpes could be that for some, but it shouldn't be. I have met some absolutely (physically) stunning individuals with beauty and attractiveness in abundance. Their personalities made them ugly, and I mean repulsively so. I also met a beautiful girl that had herpes, and she was still beautiful on the outside and inside. She just had herpes. Just having herpes doesn't make You hideous, and it shouldn't be a factor in ugliness. It wasn't for me, but it just sort of sealed that inevitable fate that I'd never find anyone who could get past my flaws and see the beauty underneath. I give up for now, and I'm not ready right now anyway, but not because I don't feel worthy or pretty enough, and not because I have herpes either. I may never be the proverbial ugly duckling that turns into a beautiful swan, but I have other qualities that make me pretty, whether or not people take the time to get to know me that well, that's not really my problem....it's theirs. When I think of those repulsive people, I say a prayer for them, and forgive them and avoid them like the plague. This may sound silly, but I read something so simple but ridiculously inspirational: I read a post where someone thanked parts of their body every day for working like they should. And one of my favorite lines from a song is "I got a perfect body, but sometimes, I forget. I got a perfect body cause my eyelashes catch my sweat." When I'm feeling ugly Or unworthy, I think of all of the little things I am happy for...and some of the things I'm happy for are HUGE and while I still battle with darkness, I can be happy for those things. That's the secret. At times, my self-esteem can be described as tragic but that's something I'm working on. Truly, loving yourself flaws and all, opens your heart for more love and to give more love. Screw what anyone else thinks. If you're heart and integrity are in the right place, you are beautiful and deserving of love ugly duckling or not.

@ WCSDancer thank you for the article. It's amazing how little I knew about all of this when I first began this journey. HIV used to be sort of a death sentence (or that's what my mother said), but I've been watching videos of people who have HIV and are literally thriving today! You know, the stigma that comes with these types of diseases is heartbreaking. You, Mr. Dale, and all of the wonderful people on this forum have completely broken the stigma here. I will muster all of my courage and take a deep breath. Life hasn't been easy for me (and lots of other folks) but I know I'm blessed and very grateful for the lessons I have learned and have yet to learn. @Anna thank you so much! I have studied poetry and I have always loved to write, draw, paint, sculpt, and sing (really badly) at the top of my lungs. Along the way, I sunk deep within a dark hole of hopelessness and dispair. My accomplishments became failures and my talents were turned into flaws. I quit them all. I plan on pushing myself to find the beauty (and the not-so-beautiful things) in life again. Your words are inspiring. I am severely out of practice and I haven't drawn or painted or done anything like that in so many years. I'm not great, but I'm so glad you liked it. You're so right. One thing, and this may sound crazy, but going through all of the horrible that I went through made me see beauty again. I was called hideous, disgusting, fat, ugly, waste of skin, scum, whore, liar, bad mother, sick, twisted, and a variation of other awful, vile things. My insecurities were played on. I have always been horrible to myself and my mind's eye became so skewed. But amidst being called all of these horrible things, I realized...I'm none of those things. I saw the beauty in myself. I've never thought I was physically all that attractive, But I had always aspired to be kind, compassionate, loving, and sympathetic...I'm not perfect. I have flaws just like everyone else. I always practiced kindness to others, but never to myself. With that bad stuff, I began to finally see the good in me. Yeah, we all have weak moments, and that's where my rage came from. I still battle the darkness inside of me, but I know everyone is fighting their own battles. Thank you so much for your kindness, and I promise to keep writing.