Brynn2012

It's been eight months since I was diagnosed with genital HSV1, and honestly: each month has been very separate from the month before. I read through my old posts and I cannot even...recognize the person behind the words. I came from a very self-destructive place, leveled out and became apathetic, and now? I am so much better. It took every ounce of time, and I never did make it to the therapists office. Actually that's not true, I went to one session and ceased showing up. Regardless, what saved me was self-love and appreciation. I honestly couldn't care less if someone rejected me because of herpes. I am separate from it, and you know what? I'm untouchable now, because I've educated myself to the point where I actually believe that it isn't a big deal. I have disclosed and I have gotten a bad reaction or two, but I only ever look at those people with pity. Because their self-induced ignorance is going to keep me out of their life. It is their loss. After the dust settled; I have not cried, I have not bowed my head with shame when I tell someone, because I'm not ashamed. No one can make me feel bad about myself, I'm finally at peace with this. I actually am writing this because I saw my infector last night. The last time I spoke to him was September and he wasn't friendly or interested in mending things. Well, last night I added him on snapchat and gave him my number when he accepted my request. I had major anxiety when I went to see him, we weren't alone-he just moved into a place with his new roommate. But you know what? I had a good time, we spoke about it briefly when we were alone and he told me he missed me...now, I'm not feeding into the bullshit. I am just letting everyone know that...it's kind of funny how things turn out. This man who disappeared from my life...this man who I had so much...resentment towards...now. Now. He just doesn't have that power over me anymore. I've reconnected with a lot of people from that period of my life those eight months ago, and it's safe to say that I dramatized things. And some people just do not serve a purpose in your life after the fact. I am coming from a place of forgiveness and mindfulness. If anyone is struggling, you can message me directly because I really don't have much more to say. I'm glad I survived myself.

Is it bad that I don't care anymore? Now, don't get me confused with the people who take the "pretend" route; pretend they don't have herpes or pretend they aren't shaken by it. What I mean is: I don't get the same anxiety about symptoms, and I have become generally cold on the subject. For instance, my longest "friend" (a person referenced in past posts) opened up to me that (ironically) she had been violently sick/had a bump on her outer labia that remained there for a week or two. And that her boyfriend seemed to have random cold sores inside his mouth. Immediately I advise she get tested, and she concurs, even though she is obviously skeptical as she has been with the same man for a duration and has had no issues. Well, she never got tested and it irks me. As if it can't happen to her, that she doesn't take her health seriously. So, sorry but I am not sympathetic when she came to me about a week ago with a similar sexual health story. It turned into a argument about money and how she couldn't afford to get tested...which is complete bullshit. It was enough for me to revoke the forgiveness I had given (maybe falsely so) and softly end that friendship. Because I was at a point where I don't want to hear it anymore. Ever. Her sob story, the inability to stick around and have a serious conversation, this whole comfort zone trap we fall into. It's so dysfunctional, but I was minutely intrigued by the prospect of her being infected too. But it's not just her. It's me. I notice things, if I wore tight fitting pants and feel itchy...or just general vaginal health situations. I have yet to have another outbreak after the initial, and I just do not care. It is honestly probably a result of not having a significant other, because then I would have to care. It effects things then. But when it comes to me? No. I don't feel that anxiety because it doesn't matter to me. I feel like I am shutting out my feelings at this point. I had a intimate encounter with my friend (randomly) one recent evening. Clothes on, but he fingered me. And this boy (can't even call him man), who was there when I was diagnosed. Knows the infector. Knows all about my struggle. Has the audacity to call me and ask if my "disease is stable"...because he got some zit on his finger and used Dr. Google. I pretty much told him to fuck himself for his insensitive delivery and scoffed at his "finger issue" because to me, it is incomparable to my condition and the odds of him having it are slim. I don't know if I have a real question here, I supposed I'm looking for feedback because I don't speak to either person anymore. The female I have no desire to contact again, and the young man is a good friend but I don't want to be around the infatuation. I want to know if I'm being insensitive. I can tell it's there, and I conduct myself poorly sometimes..but I am so much better off from where I started...I'm doing the best I can.

@Blindsided I read through a few of the other people's comments and I don't want to detract from what they're saying by repeating it :). I was diagnosed in June of this year and I have gone through the proverbial ups and downs. The enlightening moments, the reckless anger, the wallowing, the bombardment of information, and the moments I totally lost it. All in all, I feel alone too. So if you ever want to talk to, direct message me!

@WCSDancer2010 I just want to have my time to feel this. I'm better than I was a month ago, and yeah-I had something to do with pushing these people away...but there's nothing to do about them now. This probably isn't about H, its me using this as "evidence" that I've messed up. I've been out with people, I've done things. I've gotten a job and tried to reroute everything, But it's hard to maintain. I appreciate the support and I know everyone here is listening.

@WCSDancer2010 I know that each therapist is different, I recognize that I'm missing out on a opportunity. I just believe I'm not ready to talk about it right now, we can sit in a circle and give all the tough love in the world...nothing changes until I flip the switch. I am wasting everyone's time. I know what my discussions project, but I'm venting. You guys get to see the worst of me. I'm not a idiot, and you're right: I am using this as validation of my insecurities. That's nothing new. I believe in therapy. It's what you make it. But why does it have to be the end all-be all? Because no one else knows what to say? Because I'm being self-destructive? This is life. Maybe I set a bad example and everyone wishes I would shut my mouth. If that's why I'm alone, fine. I don't mean for this to sound hostile.

You've been delivered! Haha, love it. Honestly, I used to do the same thing with one man in particular and it was ridiculous to watch. I'll still reach out every once in a while and it's like...if I can sway him (or them) then my time isn't lost/I win. But knowing I have H changes thing...you prep yourself to tell and flip through motives before you do; a MAJOR filter. I'm so happy for you! I feel like we're very similar! Feel free to direct message me any time!

@ann122 Did your doctor suggest suppressive medication? My doctor is young and she is super sweet, but I was kind of diagnosed and let go, haha. Said that whenever I have a outbreak they have a prescription on file. My subconscious reminds myself I have it all the time...I will be in a room full of people who, of course, don't know and I will wonder what they'd think...Or I'll just tell myself I'm different/don't belong. I'll speculate on if anyone around me has it and how they cope. I was going to see the therapist...until today. I decided I didn't want to sit there for the initial appointment and I want to figure this out without medication or their insight. It's never worked for me before...deep down I think I am being cheap and stubborn. I just feel lonely, losing all my "friends" was the worst part. I'm definitely game to chat any time!

@WCSDancer2010 Thank you for the information!

Ladies and Gentlemen with genital HSV1, I'm confused about my future with the virus. Take romantic relations out of the equation; how often do some of you experience outbreaks? I know it varies. I have only had the primary OB, some say I may never have another one again. Though, I notice that lately I'm itchy or just feel "off" in the pubic region. No sores or anything of the sort, but I am very aware of myself and I do not know much about living with the virus...especially non-oral HSV1. Are there things I should be wary of doing now? Besides anything involving sexual activity. What would happen if I got infected with HSV2 as well? I'm at a place where I don't think about it, but I do not want to completely block this out. Because it doesn't just go away, and anything that may bring it to light: a new man, an outbreak, sickness, gossip, may send me into a depression episode. I do not want to set myself up for failure. I have a therapist appointment next week, so I am trying to stay on top of this. Any insight would be greatly appreciated, and if anyone wants to direct message me to talk-please do :)

@WCSDancer2010 It is a choice to move on. Everyone has to make a choice and decide who they want to be, what they will allow to weigh them down. Every person wears the albatross around their neck, it just differs based on what the issue is pertaining to; this is one to let go of.

If you accept yourself and wear your detractions/personal "differences" on your sleeve, others won't be able to use them against you. I completely agree. I don't even know what it means to be out. My mother, father, brother, aunt, and probably 7 other friends/people who were close to me at the time know. I haven't encountered a situation where I should've been open...maybe when my job was on the line, I could've been honest and kept it...but I was in a destructive place and them knowing wasn't going to benefit me. I don't know what is appropriate and at what point it's okay to discuss. The whole concept confuses me, haha @WCSDancer2010

@LittleStar Thank you! Ironically so :)

@JDKJD Do not freak out. You've never had sex before, so the only contact you're having is with your self. If you have HSV1 orally...the odds of you genitally transmitting it to yourself are very low because your body would have already built the antibodies to combat that specific strain-assuming you've had it for a duration. Get tested, it will probably turn out to be a bacterial infection from not cleaning the toy properly, based off of the information you've given. My advice is to give yourself a break. You shouldn't kill yourself, it is a waste of time. Why would you give up this life for something you know nothing about, a big question mark. I believe in God, but I'm not sure what happens to people who commit suicide. DO NOT give up problems you know for problems that may be worse. Your life is just beginning, someone will love you if you have it and someone will love you if you do not.

Thanks girl :) Starting to reach a better place, and english is my forte ;) @Anna01

@2Legit2Quit Interesting. You're right, there isn't anything you can really do about it. And it may be our business to tell, but any time we tell other people...there is a risk. I agree with you completely, I am okay with people knowing and if that's why we aren't friends or aren't together...BYE.