LittleStar

No. I told my husband before we were intimate which was >5 years ago. I married him a few months ago. I feel like I’m having to explain something you have misunderstood. I am a firm believer of disclosure. This post was meant to inspire those without hope of acceptance. I told my husband I had herpes before we slept together and he accepted.

No, I got it from someone else before I started my relationship with my husband over 5 years ago. I married him a few months ago.

Hi all, havent been on here in a while because herpes is so rarely something I think about anymore, but I just wanted to provide an update and hopefully give some inspiration to those struggling with maybe a recent diagnosis. I married the man who didn’t flinch when I told him about my HSV a few months ago after 5 years together. We are a normal couple who argues over normal, stupid things like lumpy gravy (last night). He has issues, I have issues. But never has herpes interfered in our relationship (unless I have allowed an outbreak to make me feel like shit which sometimes happens but I get over it in like a day). We are about to undergo our fertility journey toward parenthood (fingers crossed we get pregnant with a healthy beautiful baby). sending hope and love to everyone out there - remember that herpes is annoying and painful at best but it does not in any way define you. xoxo

Outbreaks can definitely be triggered by hormonal changes associated with the menstrual cycle (as can yeast infections). There was a period (no pun intended) when I would too get all 3 things happening at once. It’s frustrating but stress will not help. Have a look at your diet and lifestyle as I have found that when I am eating well and looking after myself, my body responds well. Eating lots of lysine-rich foods (or taking supplements) and probiotics will help curb the outbreaks and yeast infections. Don’t use any soaps down below, they are the worst thing for unbalancing ph levels in the vagina. If your outbreaks continue to coincide with your period, see your doctor about how you can better manage your hormone levels.

Almost 3 years with my partner and I haven’t passed it to him. We don’t use protection and I haven’t used valtrex in a long time either. We obviously abstain during outbreaks and when I’m experiencing prodromal symptoms. There have been times I’ve been unaware of things happening below and after sex have experienced outbreaks. After having open conversations with my partner I am finally starting to realise that he is completely comfortable with the risk and if I did transmit it to him, he wouldn’t hold me accountable (although I know I would feel shitty, his acceptance would get us through it). For me, it’s mostly about being with someone who fully accepts me and makes me feel secure despite my own worries and stresses.

Hi Strawberrygirl, From your post it sounds very much like you are unsure of your feelings. I thoroughly believe a door needs to be closed until a window of opportunity is opened, and by your own admittance you say you still have feelings for your ex. So if I were in your shoes I would focus on dealing with that before even entertaining the idea of starting up something new with someone else. You mustn’t let fear stop you from attaining what you want. Putting herpes aside, would you feel as confused about moving on to a different chapter of herpes wasn’t in the picture? I think we can find ourselves “settling” simply because we don’t believe another person could ever accept us again however these are simply limitations in our own minds (based in fear and rejection). If you want to pursue something with a colleague it definitely makes it a little more nerve racking! But for many other reasons apart from herpes. If it doesn’t work out, you still need to work together. If we go down those rabbit holes we would never have the opportunity to see what could have been (and it may be something beautiful). Focus on what you want and why you want it. If it’s a relationship with your colleague, go for it! If he rejects you (which is unlikely based on the stats of disclosures and successful outcomes) then you have to trust that he will keep your personal stuff to himself. I don’t see why anyone would want to share such intimate deals with other people in the workplace unless they have a low level of maturity and seek cheap thrills. Go with what your heart wants and good luck!

I have already answered this question 🙂 - see replies above

Hi Concerned, Until recently I was taking Valtrex daily but became complacent and have now stopped altogether, as I would like to see how my body goes without. We have never used condoms. I offered, but we were both happy to go without (fully STD tested and on birth control). I am always open when I experience symptoms (99% of which I feel are either very temporary or in my mind) and my partner often “checks” me haha. He has no qualms and I think appreciates being a part of the process! I avoid sex during an outbreak (obviously) but they have been few and far between. Otherwise, our sex life is very healthy. He is completely aware of the potential risks involved and I think that has helped me hugely in accepting myself, warts and all! I hope this helps 🙂 xox

2 years together and going strong So far, I have managed to keep him safe (4 years with HSV2). But I’m also (finally) in a place where I don’t freak out about passing it on. He has openly said he “doesn’t care an iota about herpes”! About to purchase our first home together and talking about kids in the near future... There is hope out there for everyone! Even you, yes you! My advice? Be honest, be vulnerable, be courageous and own your status. Show your partner that you value them above your own fear of rejection. Approach the subject as objectively as possible but keep it real to your experience. Good luck to everyone! Love is love, a skin condition will not get in the way of a real connection with a beautiful soul!

2 years together and still going strong 🙂 So far, have managed to keep him safe. About to purchase our first home together and talking about kids in the near future... There is hope out there for everyone! My advice? Be honest, be vulnerable, be courageous and own your status. Show your partner that you value them above your own fear of rejection. Approach the subject as objectively as possible but keep it real to your experience. Good luck to everyone!

Hey all, I’m an old time HSV carrier (almost 4 years) and currently in a loving, long term relationship with my wonderful partner who accepts me unconditionally. Last night, I went out with a girlfriend and we were on the topic of health (I have recently been diagnosed with the high-risk HPV strain - much scarier than herpes!) and I was comfortable enough to tell her about my HSV status. I was surprised (but at the same time, not really) to learn she also caught HSV many years ago. The reason I’m writing about this is because I was disappointed to learn that she has never disclosed. She is also in a long-term relationship but says she wouldn’t tell her partner. I found this quite difficult to navigate just because I could never imagine doing the same. Do I just support her decision or encourage her to be honest? I know she is scared of her partners reaction, but I don’t agree or think it’s a good excuse. She says she doesn’t experience outbreaks and she would only disclose if she did. She even said that if he caught it from her, she would play ignorant and act as though she has no idea. She is a lovely, caring soul who I think is maybe in denial because it’s been so long since she caught it and seemed to believe that she “had it” rather than “has it”. I do not want to cross the boundary. Do I just move on knowing that I am doing the right thing in my own life and leave others to make their own choices? Star xx

Your stats of being contagious will likely be much lower as you have never presented with symptoms - BUT viral shedding is still likely to occur (read the handouts on here-they are very informative). You may become more aware of your body now and feel things that before you didn't pay attention to (signs of virus at surface - tingling, itching etc). This is a good thing - you will be able to listen to what your body is telling you and take necessary precautions. But please, please, ALWAYS disclose your status if you're wanting to have sex with someone. In your case, you will just be able to explain that you went in for a routine test and was surprised to learn you're a carrier. Many people are and don't realise. Certainly go forward and live your life as before, but I don't suggest hiding it from a sexual partner. The guilt you will feel is not worth it and you run the risk of infecting someone without their consent/knowledge, which I can imagine would be an awful thing to go through. The worst thing about my acquisition of the virus (and I am sure many will attest to this), is that I was not informed of his status. I was not given a choice; and had I have been, I would not have taken it (purely because it was a one-night stand with someone I had very little interest in - oh how much I have changed since then!)

Try not to stress. First off, you have disclosed (even if it came after the fact, many of us have been there so no judgement, you're only human and make mistakes), so your guy is now in the know. You didn't have symptoms before you had sex, this is a good thing. You have recently discovered possible symptoms/outbreak - could be down to stress and the guilt you have been carrying. Doesn't mean that your man was at high risk when you had sex with him. Truth is, you won't know anything until/if he shows symptoms, so there's no point in getting yourself worked up. Sounds like you are beating yourself up because of the mistake you made and therefore catastrophising the situation (I've been there). Be patient, try to relax and in a couple of weeks it'll be behind you. And in the future you won't make the same mistake. Big hug As a sidenot, I've had HSV2 for 2.5 years, been with several non-H men, never given it (as far as I'm aware). Currently with long term partner, no condoms but I take meds-so far he is fine. And I still have panic moments like you're experiencing!

@Wishicouldgoback85 please, please consider the reality of what is happening to you. You have caught a skin problem...essentially, you have a different strain of the chicken pox virus, that's all it is - and though it sounds like you are really having a hard time physically, it will not always be like this. Look how many of us there are on here, and I guarantee that is only a small fraction of people out there with the same thing, and that's an even smaller fraction of people who aren't aware they carry HSV. It sounds like you really need to talk to someone and put some serious perspective on this - suicidal thoughts are often triggered by other mental health conditions - can you talk to a doctor? Or call a friend for someone to listen? The obsessive compulsive side that comes with health issues manifests as a need to constantly 'be clean' by washing your hands excessively etc., but remember that your body is still new to all of this. Treat yourself kindly - if you are boozing on a daily basis that will lower your immune system tremendously and won't help to fight off the virus and put it in to hiding. As hard as it can be to imagine, it won't always be this way, and physically/mentally/emotionally you will get stronger daily. Please hang in there, and do something to put those toxic thoughts to the side. You are not alone.

Yay @chocolatelover! Glad you've put this in to perspective :D

@chocolatelover Ok, so it sounds like it's your boyfriend who requires a little education and perhaps a little maturity too (from the sounds of it). Maybe because of his behaviour you've led yourself to believe this is a big deal, when in fact it's not. Babies get cold sores every day, as do toddlers, and teens, and adults! I would approach the situation with a bit of humour and be like 'come on, so I got a cold sore, big deal!' and see if his attitude changes once he perceives that you are more relaxed about it. As @Lifegoesonn has said, it's not really a problem (although no one can take away from how you feel about any given situation), but in this case, it really isn't. Most people get cold sores (HSV oral), and the world keeps spinning - that doesn't mean your head should! Let's just remember that this is a judgement-free zone, and whilst one person may feel that another's opinion isn't justifiable, we should all try to remain objective and sympathetic if someone is struggling. @TeaWithTheQueen I don't think I've ever come across someone who has HSV1 both orally and genitally! I would think that if you've had it orally (cold sores) for a while, then your immunity will be increased and that may be why you experienced such a mild OB genitally. Have you had blood work or swabs taken? In any case, it's all 'cold sores', just some people present on their mouths and others on their junk (but most never present at all!). I definitely think if you go forward with that attitude, it will be the best thing you can do for yourself! And I would say that type 1 is generally the less severe of the 2 for genital OBs, and certainly holds less of a stigma in today's society.

I can imagine you'd go through some sort of turmoil when you find out in the way that you did, but it's great that you trust each other and are able to discuss things openly. Just remember, that you are both equally responsible for your relationship and everything that it entails. I hope your partner is aware that she has a very intelligent and articulate man. I wish you all the best mate!

There's nothing to make manageable, you have cold sores, that's it! Just don't kiss him or go down on him when you're experiencing symptoms. It doesn't matter who had it first or who gave it to who, because it's cold sores, and what good will it do to know whether you fit in to the 67% or the 33% of the population? Just be aware of future outbreaks and move on.

That's how I got it. I mean, he didn't have any symptoms, nor did he tell me he had it. I knew it was him because 2 days later wham! Symptoms. Then I found him on Positive Singles dating site. So yeah, definitely not guaranteed...! Being open and honest with communication is key. So far, I've not passed it on to anyway. I tell my partner if I'm feeling like something is going on. But he has also said he wouldn't care if he got it. That doesn't stop me from stressing though, and I'll do what I can to not pass it on.

Lol. Yeah, a scarlet H above our heads! Haha. I don't think anyone has come up with something like this - it would be interesting yet at the same time would just add to the stigma where I think the majority of people who have herpes would like the stigma to drop so that we can communicate freely without fear or judgement. I assume that you and your partner are no longer together if you're thinking about future partners...? Stay well, my friend.

Hey @chocolatelover, welcome! Ok, so first of all, the vast majority of people in this forum have genital herpes, or at least that's why there are part of this forum. That may be why you don't get a lot of hits on your post (not taking away from your experience just that the stigma generally lies with the one on your junk). Oral herpes, or cold sores as pretty much everyone refers to them, is more common than people with brown eyes (how's that for a statistic!), yes something like 67% of the world has herpes. Only 8% of the population has blue eyes. Then there's the additional ones who don't know they have it. Herpes, that is, not blue eyes... It sounds like you are waaaaaay overthinking this, and that you may need to talk to your boyfriend to make sure you can communicate how you both feel. And next time you see him, you should definitely kiss him - 2 months without a kiss sounds like hell!

It's impossible for you to see any positives right now, I KNOW, I understand, because I have been there. But you are 17 years old...17! Wow! With your whole life in front of you :). You did what most teenagers are doing every day and became sexually active and drew the short straw, which by the way, isn't that short, as sooooo many of us draw it! Am I right? And...did you know - 50% of genital herpes diagnoses now are attributed to oral sex i.e. HSV1 in the genital region? So you're really not alone, nor the only one. Saying all that, it's going to take time and a bit of patience with yourself to see the light again, but you will get there. If nothing else, you will learn to use this as a filter for people in your future who are not worthy of you. But right now, take it one day at a time. Look for other stuff around you that doesn't scream "HERPES!" because that monster will f**k off eventually, and the sooner the better. Believe it or not, there will be a day not too far away when the first thought you have in the morning will have NOTHING to do with herpes. It's a lot to take in, but please use the time out to educate yourself about the reality of HSV1 (the cold sore virus) and remember that it's possible (and likely) that you'll never have symptoms again! And perhaps you should think about seeking help with your health anxiety, as it sounds as though you are suffering with something along those lines (I am talking from experience ;)) Every day is a day further from the initial *destruction* so many of us think this pesky little shit of a virus brings in to our lives. Don't give up on your chance at an amazing and fulfilled life.

@RegularGuy it sounds like you are working through the whole thing with a lot of insight and clarity and I'm glad that you are not alone in your journey (none of us have to be anyway, as we have other other here for support and advice). But I may I ask, having read through your posts, it sounds like you probably caught the virus from your girlfriend? Correct me if I am wrong, I am simply putting 2 and 2 together. If that's the case, then your girlfriend must be going through some stuff too if she didn't know she had it and has only just been diagnosed?

Sounds like you have a very keen instinct for knowing when someone isn’t quite right and I salute you for being able to see that this guy wasn’t worth your time or vulnerability. I’m sure that when someone comes along who is worthy of knowing everything about you, you won’t be wrought with anxiety; just the “normal” nerves that we experience with any kind of disclosure. Funnily, I experienced something similar with a guy before I met my boyfriend. I went against my instinct because he “accepted” me but turns out he was a waste of time like I had initially felt he would be. Trust your gut! It knows stuff we don’t. (Although having anxiety can make it difficult to distinguish the two!)

First off-breathe! You’ve got this. You’re already completely aware of exactly what you’re doing, so now it’s just a case of going forward once you’ve made a decision. Is the risk of him potentially responding poorly greater than the potential reward of receiving acceptance and getting to know this man on a deeper level? If you’ve answered no, which I would Sincerely hope you would!,, then swallow those nerves and show the world that you truly believe in Everything you have said about yourself. I spent a year alone fearing letting anyone in. Until I met someone who showed me that I was not defined by herpes, nor should it even be considered a component of me! It took me a few weeks of getting to really know him and build trust before I bit the bullet, but he made himself vulnerable to me too, and that was hot. I daren’t think back to imagine a scenario where I would’ve wussed out. He’s the love of my life. In the end, based on experience, I would advise anyone to pursue the potential of allowing someone amazing in to your life. Isn’t it better to know than to spend your precious time assuming or guessing? And hey, if he doesn’t respond the way you’d like, then you’ve lost Nothing yet gained courage and experience for next time. Don’t let fear rule your life! Xoxo