Athena64

I'm going to have to agree with Adrial: I feel this young man took advantage of you. If you had not been intoxicated would you have had sex with him? And if so, would you have disclosed to him? (I think I know your answer, on both counts.) If you were so intoxicated that you don't remember having sex with him I don't think you had the ability to actually make ANY decision at the time. In other words, you did not give consent. In that case, I don't think you have a reason to feel guilty. If he did get it, you didn't intentionally give it to him, you didn't have consensual sex and not disclose, you did not put him at risk on purpose. Depending on his intoxication level, I would say at the very LEAST he's guilty of is being so drunk he made a bad (or no) decision. At the other end, he could be guilty of rape. In some states 'If someone is impaired due to alcohol or drugs, that person is deemed incapable of consenting and sex with that person is rape (even if the impaired person says "yes")' http://www.pandys.org/whatisrape.html I would encourage you to talk to someone - family, a trusted friend, clergy or law enforcement - so that you can decide what you need to do. And I think that being tested for STD's is something you should do ASAP. Much love to you D, Nicole

Truly a powerful, amazing day with the truly inspiring people. I am in awe of what was created today and cannot wait to see what tomorrow holds! Much love to all! :x

I love the quote, lelani! I read that today as well and thought the same thing. And I have to say a few things...... I am also one of the lucky girls with the 'two for one deal' - hpv in my early 20's that has just resufaced, and hsv2 from my last long term relationship. (I knew, made a less than educated decision. We were together for 8 years.) Since our breakup, I have moved halfway back up the east coast of the US, made dozens of new friends, started pursuing a new career, volunteer for two charities that I have a shared passion and joined my local H group, where I co-facilitate the meetings. My life is absolutely joyous! But I sometimes wonder if I'm keeping myself extra busy and not getting romantically involved with some very nice men as a way of keeping the H at arms length. Not putting myself out there, at the risk of being hurt. (My 'giver' did a real number on me during our breakup.) Honestly, these thoughts don't cause me alot of stress, because I am so focused on taking off in a new direction, and I truly believe that when the right one comes along I will know it, AND he will love me as I am. Dating can be insane! So many people have not dealt with their issues before moving on to the next date/partner. Throw HSV or HPV into the mix and it can be a recipie for disaster. (And I have met a few doosies!!!) And flygal, don't be hard on yourself! I don't think any of us pulls off a 'perfectly orchestrated' disclosure every single time! We're human. And in the case of STD's ignorance is NOT bliss, and even if he is freaked out he will definately remember what you said. And maybe he'll make smart choices when he dives back into the dating pool. So I agree 100% - Herpes does is fact sort out is he deserves us! Much love ladies! xoxoxo

(Sorry! I get a little excited!!) =)

Sooooooo looking forward to this!!!! Revolutionary, ground breaking, perception changing, life altering SHIZNIT is going to happen!!! I cannot wait to hold this space with all of you!

You in inspire me every day, Adrial! Much love to you!! Mwah!!!

I have known I've had genital herpes (HSV2) for almost two years now. I'm no longer with the man that (I think) gave me herpes, and I've not dated many men that are not 'in the club' so I've only had to disclose to a non-herpes partner once. So to say I have limited experience in disclosing is probably an understatement! But I've been okay with that. When I first found out, I didn't want anyone to know. Anger, fear, shame and a big old helping of "how-could-I-be-so-stupid??" was what I went through. I bounced back pretty quickly, because I've been through so much worse in my life, I realized I could deal with this. I have always wanted to keep this pretty private. I am in a great place with my acceptance of herpes, but I don't want to be judged by someone else's preconceived ideas or total ignorance about the virus. So I have not told any of my family or friends. After breaking up with my non-herpes boyfriend, I decided it was time to connect with people who were going through the same thing. I needed to talk to someone who I could relate to. I called the local Planned Parenthood offices in my town, and was told about the monthly meetings for people with HSV/HPV, which is connected to a Yahoo group and a Meetup group in my area. I signed up immediately. I attended my first meeting at PP a year ago. I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. I was greeted by the warmest, most caring and understanding group of individuals I have ever met. I felt instantly accepted. And relieved! A year and four months later, I'm now a co-organizer for the Meetup group, and I co-facilitate the meetings at PP. This has been an amazing experience! Herpes has helped to redefine my life in a positive way! I love what I do with the group, helping people and watching them grow ... beautiful stuff that makes my heart smile. I am now at the point where most of my friends are from the group, and all of the greatest things going on in my life are because of/with the group. Yet still when I talk to my family about it, I am constantly self-editing. I'm getting very frustrated with keeping this great stuff a secret! I decided to finally disclose to some of my close family members. I chose my aunt to talk to first. She is only 13 years older than me, and we get along great. She is full of awesome wisdom and experience. She is a recovering alcoholic and has had some rough times in her life. I respect her more than she knows. I called her last Sunday and we talked for an hour and a half. She asked me about what was going on in my life, and I told her about all the things I was doing with the Meetup group, and how involved I was. Then I took a deep breath and said "I have to tell you something ....... all of the things I'm doing with the group are really pointing me in the direction I want to go with my life, for my new career. The group I belong to is a support group. I found out a few years ago I have herpes, and the events, support meetings and workshops are with them. I am happy, clear on what I want from life and working on myself every day. Life is good." Without skipping a beat she said "Oh my God! Herpes is no big deal! I've had it for 20 years! You're going to be just fine, kiddo!" WHAT???? I was laughing through my tears! What a relief! I'm so glad I told her, and I got some insight from her about talking to my parents and sister. And before we hung up she gave me some advice I'll share with you ... "You know (Athena), sometimes life is like a jackass standing in a hail storm. You just have to get through the shit and come out the other side of it stronger than you were before." She's right. At this moment in your herpes experience, you might feel like you're getting the crap pelted outta you. And some of what you're going to go through is going to be rough. Stay positive, know you're worthy, and stronger than you know. I promise. Much love, friends. <3

Lelani, We are absolutely not alone! Did you know that of unmarried women ages 40 -50, 50 to 75% have genital herpes. Pretty astonishing, huh? What I'd love to know is, if there are damn many of us, what the heck are we all freaking our about herpes for?? As for starting your own group, I say go for it!!! You can start something up on Yahoo or Meetup. If there are any clinics in your area like Planned Parenthood, you might be able to partner with them. Craigs List might even work! Set your search criteria for herpes, HSV1 & HSV2....... you could also add HPV. I bet you'd get alot if interest! Think about it........ just one person can start the change that we need. Athena

Dear Inspired & Lelani, Let me start by saying that I admire the courage both of you have by coming to the (h)opp and connecting. A great first step! I am probably old enough to be a mother to both of you (OMG!) but I think the desire to tell and the fear of what will happen is universal, no matter how old we are or how long we've had it. I have known I have HSV2 for almost two years now. I (think) I got it from my ex boyfriend of eight years. He had it, and told me before we got involved. And while I did not make the most educated decision, I decided it was worth the risk to be with him. We have not been together for three years now, and I was diagnosed a year and a half AFTER we broke up. I have only had to disclose to one partner since I found out, because every one else I have dated since has been in 'the club'. So I totally understand and respect the stress theat can come from disclosure to a potential partner. For me, it is the morally correct thing to do. I have not however, told any of my family and friends. At first, I was too upset and working through the 'shame' of herpes to even begin to think about telling anyone. I think that we would greatly benefit from fiercly protecting ourselves until we have worked through the anger/grieving process first. You need time to adjust to dealing with the virus, and to a new way of being. Time to 'put the wagons in a circle' and be really good to yourself. I don't think it's dishonest to keep this to yourself - potential partners are the exception - because society puts a wicked stigma on herpes. I am so totally fine with myself and herpes, but how other people think about it has kept me from telling my family and friends, two years out. It just doesn't make sense to me to put myself in a position to be critisized by someone that has a preconcieved judgement. Besides, I am now at a point in my life where herpes does not define my self worth. I am so much more that this stupid virus! And I refused to be judged. I can tell you that I highly recommend you connect with a support group in person. Inspired, stay in touch with someone - if not several someones! - from the group you attended over your holiday break. There are no doubt 'veterans' that would be more than happy to be a buddy, and talk over the phone when you just need to vent. The group I am connected to here in Raleigh has been a blessing in my life! I have made several very good friends, and I am active in organizing events and facilitating meetings. I love it! My aunt, who is a recovering alcoholic, shared some AA principles with me. One of them is giving back when you are at the place where you have your issue under control. She is so totally right! And by the way, yesterday she was my first family memeber disclosure. She is so loving, and has such an open mind, and it went fantastic! And to my complete surprise, SHE HAS IT TOO! For 20 years! She says it has not been an issue in her life at all. What the heck, right? Much love to you both. <3