justagirl72

My anxiety has gotten the better of me and I’m about to send the message now Lolol wish me luck

Thanks for your response Grace!! That’s really helpful. I prefer to disclose in person as I have in the past, but I’m hesitant in this situation. It’s really helpful to hear that you’ve done it via text with positive outcomes. I am hopeful! It’s really weighing on me and I feel like I need to get it out on the table sooner rather than later. We are already planning my second visit for the beginning of December and he’s looking for jobs in my city. I feel like I can’t settle in to this and feel comfortable until I disclose. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be. If not, oh well. Thanks for your input! You are a gem 🙂

helloooo! It has been a minute since I’ve been on here. I’ve relied heavily on this community in the past and I’m back again! Recently, I met a man at my friend’s wedding. I can’t even begin to explain the instant connection that we had. I am really excited about where this could go, unfortunately he is on the west coast and I’m on the east coast. 3 days after the wedding, he booked me a plane ticket to visit. I am SO excited to see him. However, disclosing is REALLY weighing on me. I feel like I can’t completely settle in to the idea of this without telling him before I fly out. I don’t want to disclose there and be stuck if it goes horribly. I was thinking maybe 5 days before the trip to tell him? A week? Thoughts? I know this is maybe not ideal, but I’ve typed out a message in my drafts as a way to disclose and then obviously ask if we can FaceTime when he has had time to process. The logistics are really messing with me right now. I don’t even know if I can go much longer without disclosing because I need to know how he feels about it. He lives in LA and works in health care so I’m hopeful it won’t phase him but who knows. I have had herpes for about 6 years now and I’ve been in 2 long term relationships during that time so this is not my first disclosure rodeo but I’m still melting down because the potential of this relationship feels completely different to me. any advice or encouragement are welcome! Xo

Do you take any supplements, vitamins, etc? Are you on birth control? I found that when I stopped taking my birth control my body had a much better time dealing with the virus.

H is very very individual. If you are newly diagnosed you will have a period of your body dealing with the virus but otherwise what may be a trigger for some may not effect you at all. I drink coffee daily and work out 4 or5 days a week. It really comes down to taking time to identifying your own triggers. For me, my obs are usually stress related. If you are interested in pre workout or other fitness related supplements I would recommend adding them one by one and seeing if they trigger an ob. That way, you know what you can eliminate or try to avoid. Good luck!

Yep, I did! I had gotten it about 6 months prior to meeting him. He was the first person I told that I was planning on being in a new intimate relationship with. I honestly just came right out and was very up front. It kind of helped because he was familiar with what a scum bag my giver was so he was very understanding. It barely phased him. I think his response was something like...well that sucks but I really like you so we'll figure it out. After 3 years with him I'm back on the scene. I met a great guy and I'm dreading having to have this conversation. Ugh. I'm so scared he will reject me. It has only been a couple weeks but I dont think I can avoid the conversation much longer. It's very nerve wracking but the right person will understand that H does not define who you are!

Yes! That is my understanding as well. 4% with nothing. Suppressive cut that in half and then condoms make it like less than 1%-i believe.

Love this post!! Thank you for sharing 🙂

Yes! I was with an H- partner for 3 years. I take daily suppressive meds and we used condoms. We did not have sex if I felt that anything was slightly off down there. Often if I had an outbreak I would be very hesitant to engaged in intercourse for a long time after it had cleared. That was often my own paranoia. He was never overly concerned. Personally, I feel that oral sex was a risk to him so I never let him go down on me either.

I was diagnosed with H about 4 years ago. I was devastated, naturally. I was in a deep dark place for months. Then, after the support of this community and some very deep self reflection I did use it as an opportunity. I pulled myself up and changed everything about my life that I was unhappy with. This included getting a new job and living situation. 6 months after getting H I met a wonderful man who accepted me unconditionally. We enjoyed a very healthy sex life and stayed together for about 3 years. We recently broke up but it had nothing to do with H. It is definitely possible to enjoy life to the fullest!! H does not define you. It is all about your mindset moving forward. You can do this!! Many of my friends do not know. However, I shared it with a few after I was first diagnosed and half of them then disclosed to me!! One of them being my mom! It is so common. You are not alone. Sending you so much love! I would encourage you to pick one thing that you'd like to see change in your life (outside of H) and work on that. Or pick something that brings you joy and make that a priority for yourself now. Small changes can be everything when you're feeling in a rut.

Thanks for your response! So after disclosure I could tell he was still hesitant. I let him take the lead on anything physical and he would get pretty far and then bail on having sex. He finally expressed that he was still nervous about it. I wasnt that invested and honestly was just looking for someone to have casual sex with right now. Heistation is fine, in general...but I honestly don't think it will work for me. You're either okay with it or you arent. I'm not going to deal with someone in between acceptance. My ex never hesitated. So I know it's out there. It's a boundary I have to set for myself. I don't have to accept a maybe in regard to hsv.

I am getting out of a 3 year relationship. Ive been spending a lot of time with a guy I met years ago and recently reconnected with. I enjoy spending time with him, would love to have a sexual relationship with him, but don't really see much more potential than a rebound at this moment. I feel like if I didn't have H it would be no question but with h...well, you know. Anyway, he came right out and asked via text why we haven't had sex. So I obviously told him the truth. Now IM the one feeling like I need space loll I thought after 4 years of h I was good but turns out vulnerability still freaks me out. He was understanding and said he still wants to spend time with me and take things slow and see where it goes. In my mind, it feels like a rejection. I'm giving one word answers and shutting down and he is asking ME if I'm okay. I'm like... shouldn't I be asking you that. I think my question is actually backwards. How do YOU feel after disclosures, regardless of the outcome. Even when I disclosed to my now ex and he accepted no question the pure vulnerability had me texting my ex and asking him to see me. I have a lot of work to do.

Perhaps, an exaggeration BUT the point is my life has improved dramatically since finding out I have H. Who would have thought? Of course, like everyone, it was not all rainbows and butterflies. It was dark and terrible and scary. I threw myself a pity party for awhile, but eventually I knew that I had to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I will play a lot of characters in my life, but a victim will not be one of them. A lot of ridiculous things happened when I found out I had H. I found out the guy I got it from had a girlfriend who he lived with and had been lying for months and then I got back together with my ex. I went from one bad situation to an even worse one. (don't worry, this story does have a Brightside...we're getting there). The first 3 months I had weekly outbreaks. I have been down in my life before, but I went to a dark place. Even though my ex really helped me to see that H did not define me, I quickly realized he only liked me when I was broken. As soon as I started to perk up, his awful behavior came back. So, I got out of the relationship with my ex and really examined all parts of my life. I realized I was just floating along and I hated that. I started dating again and it turns out that H DOES make a great wingman. I had been seeing a guy for a few weeks who I had great chemistry with, but who otherwise bored me to death. Without H, I definitely would have started sleeping with him and wasted my time for a few months having great sex without anything more than a surface level connection. So, instead, another guy came in to my life. H made me really think about what I wanted out of a relationship...outside of a physical connection (which up until H I had used as a crutch in all of my relationships with men and as a way to say as emotionally unattached as possible-hello unhealthy!) and instead of disclosing to the guy I'd been seeing for weeks...I stopped talking to him and disclosed to the new guy after like...a week. He barely flinched and was so impressed with my honesty. That was a couple months ago and every day with this man is my favorite day. Thanks H! Also, another realization H gave me was that I was working myself to death at 2 jobs and just doing a lot of goal planning without any real follow through. I'd been making so many excuses for too long. I'd convinced myself I was happy with zero free time or time to myself. THEN my fulltime job announced they were doing layoffs. COOL. In a weird twist of fate, I applied to a job that interested me but I probably wouldn't have otherwise applied to had I not gotten this brand new outlook on life because I was sure I wasnt qualified. Great news...I start on May 2nd and I will make enough money to, for the first time in my life, work ONE job. It's been almost a year since H and if you would have asked me where I thought my life was going...this would not have been my answer. I am happier and healthier than ever. If you're feeling down and out...please don't. H is only as bad as you make it. It actually CAN be an opportunity. It's a great time to really look at yourself and all the parts you hate. Sure, that's scary but that's how you grow.

Update time! So... after I disclosed, he did say he has questions and then never brought it up again. We have since slept together (a few times ;)) and it's been great. He's never wavered or been anything less than supportive. He brought up the fact that he does have things he wants to ask, but they obviously don't affect his decision to want to have sex with me. I was afraid he would freak out afterwards. Mainly because my ex did that pretty frequently and it made me feel awful. But he's done nothing like that. And actually... we were having sex over the weekend, and he literally stopped mid thrust (sorry!tmi) and was like, "serious question, can I take this condom off and just assume the risk" and I told him absolutely not. And we went back and forth because he said he's an adult and he can make that choice blah blah blah. And I actually got really upset (and honestly kind of cried lol) because it is also MY choice to protect him. Once he saw how visibly upset I got he backed off. I understand guys don't like condoms, it's their choice to use them, but that's how I effing got in to this situation in the first place. So, blah. Maybe one day we can stop using them if that's really how he feels, but I'm personally not ready for that. I need to find the transmission rates!

Hello friends! After a first few horrendous months with H, I finally began looking at it as a blessing in disguise. I've finally had to slow down and make emotional connections with men rather than masking everything with sex. I recently met a new guy and things moved really quickly... more emotionally than physically which is totally new ground for me... but thanks H for forcing this to happen! Besides my giver and my ex who I mistakenly got back together with for a second, he was the first guy I've had to disclose to. Due to these circumstances, I disclosed A LOT sooner than I thought I was going to. I had no idea how he was going to react. We really haven't known each other long, but we hit it off in a crazy way. So I just laid it all out there and then pretty much assumed he was going to bail but he handled it perfectly. And he kept asking me if I was okay after telling him. Like... shouldn't I be asking him that?! I do know that he is nervous and I've given him statistics and encouraged him to do his own research. I just can't get over how well he took my disclosure. He didn't ask for time or space to process it. I watched him work it through his head and he did say that it sucks, but it isn't the end of the world. But I'm still feeling weird post disclosure. Like I want to run. But he has been so consistent and supportive. We get along so well. We still haven't been physical at all, and I feel like another discussion needs to happen and I think he has more questions for me. I think we're both hesitant to bring anything up because things have been going so well. I don't know what the next step is? We obviously don't need to rush in to sex. But I want to make sure he's comfortable or that he won't freak out or any other crazy scenario I've made up in my head.