NothingGoodGetsAway

Maybe I don't know, but isn't the reduction of my OBs just the meds doing their job? Why would I go down in dosage if it's working? (I was on a pace for the first year/year and a half where i was having an OB a month. Last year was the first year I started to pace an OB every two months...) Re: dating and suppression. I might want to still have hookups, or casually date and have sex. In that case, isn't it also my job to protect a person - even someone that I'm not going to date long term - as best I can?

For what it’s worth, I tested positive for a high risk type at age 30, and cursed myself for not getting the vaccine (lost my virginity at age 25, so was almost to the end of insurance covering it. But after having discussions with my Gyno (she’s awesome), we discussed how the new gardasil protects against 9 TYPES of hpv. Sure I had one type already, but why risk getting more?? the shots protect against 90% of warts and almost all of the most common cancer types. I got the shots, I had to pay out of pocket for them -$1k total. It’s worth it to me, I think it’s wortj it to anyone if you asked “cancer or shots”. Also, the sheer mindfuck that would be even benign warts isn’t worth the anxiety and awfulness. If you’re under 26, insurance covers it. Get the vaccine, protect yourself.

Definitely on suppression - 500mg valacyclovir twice a day (1g total) for the past 2.5 years!

Oyyyyy. Just want to vent a little. I’m a 2.5 year vet of ghsv2, and I was getting OBs regularly, once every 2 months or so. But my last OB (minor) was in October, and I kind of forgot what it was like to feel...normal. And yet here I am, just lying on the couch and suddenly I feel a lump with 2-3 tiny blisters. (Side note, where the heck was the prodrome?!) I almost made it to 6 months. I really wanted to make it to be able to say “oh I OB once or twice a year.” I wonder if I’ll ever be that person. Why can’t I be the type without symptoms?? All in all it’s no big deal. I’m single and not sleeping with anyone. But also UGGHH

I disclosed over text - he was talking about how he’s a sexual person ( a strange conversation I must say)! But I took that opportunity to say “ok if we’re going to be honest...I have genital herpes”. He said he figured something was up based on my ok Cupid answers, but that he was totally ok with it. Said he’d dated a girl who had it previously, that he’s definitely been exposed at some point, and that he has cold sores. We hooked up on Saturday (both of us heading south, which has been FOREVER for me). It was great, I’m getting tested tomorrow and should we keep going, we might be getting rid of condoms soon...

Also, did you double check your October results? They never ever check for herpes unless you asked them - I found that out the hard way when my giver and I shared clean lab results only to find that’s neither of us had been tested for herpes (and he’d had hsv2 for years)

Here’s the thing - negative swabs aren’t 100%. If your swab is positive, that’s pretty solid. But a negative swab only means it might have been an old blister that didn’t have enough stuff left to show up on a test. I did an insane (literally, insane) amount of research on oral herpes - so a few things 1- IF what you’re experiencing in the mouth is herpes, that is ONLY a primary case of herpes. Any recurrence would look like normal herpes/cold sores around your mouth. 2 - repeating what was said before - if it is oral hsv2 (which I don’t think it is), it will be a non issue for you So I think I’m a little confused - do you think you had this, and gave it to this guy? Or do you think he gave you this? I honestly believe your throat is a bacterial infection - you said yourself it cleared up with antibiotics - and the spots on your gum are probably canker sores. I honestly have had so much hypochondria about oral hsv2 I really feel like I’m expert level by this point. If you’re worried, get your throat swabbed for hsv2. I nearly guarantee it will come back negative.

Also - was yourself if you would work out with the flu. That’s about what your body is going through! So while moving around and not being stuck if you’re stir crazy, not a bad idea, but your body needs the energy to heal from this just like a cold!

Really give yourself a bit of a break if you can! You could try lifting weights (work the arms) or even focus some stretching and yoga moves. Will help center you and won’t cause a lot of friction. For me, I felt like I needed to “get back to normal” life really fast after my first outbreak. But what that did was put a lot of pressure on me to “get better” and I couldn’t control when I’d be healed. So just be kind to yourself, take it slow, do what feels good. I’m a huge fan of the couch, not because it’s your first outbreak but because it’s freaking 20 degrees where I am!

80% if people already have hsv1...and the shedding for ghsv1 is much lower than for ghsv2! It would be up to you and a partner, but strong chances are your partner already has jab in their mouth (my new interest just told me it’s what he has!)

I haven’t shaved since I got this - I think now I would be ok, I just prefer not to see anybrazor burn that might make me paranoid! Might I suggest a bikini trimmer? I use this (without the guard) https://www.amazon.com/Panasonic-ES246AC-Portable-Adjustable-Settings/dp/B00005JS5C So it’s kinda like look like I shaved 2 days ago. Still close but nothing to make me itch or outbreak! Wouldn’t recommend dental dams - it’s SO RARE to get orally. With a dental dam it would be zero risk orally, but honestly it’s so small wouldn’t even worry about it. If you use condoms, no pills, it’s 2% risk (accumulated over a whole year). So...low. Good luck!

Hi y’all! I’m not an expert (by any means), but I’ve had H for 2.5 years now. My theory is...don’t disclose til it’s time for sex. In any situation, you shouldn’t feel like you’re hiding ANYTHING. On the first couple dates, there’s no reason to share anything that you don’t WANT to share. First dates are all about getting to know the person, their hobbies, their sense of humor, before you go deeper and start to uncover the heavier stuff (he may have depression, you may have anxiety, he might work a lot or have low confidence, you have herpes...these are all normal human things, but none are first few date material). For one night stands if I’m at a bar, and I’m digging a guy I just met, I’ll tell him before we/I get in the cab (oof, I’ve disclosed in the cab before. Not recommended). If I’ve decided I don’t want sex (and just want a make out, I’ll even declare “but I’m not having sex” just to make sure expectations are set), I won’t disclose before heading back. Basically, I don’t want a guy to think that he’s getting sex, only to be faced with a disclosure when he’s at his horniest, in his bed. I’d prefer to give him at least the option of finding someone else at the bar if it’s that big of a deal (I’ve had nearly 100% acceptance here. So that’s a good start I think! Literally only one person has cared but that’s because I didn’t really want to hook up so I didn’t give my best disclosure haha) Your real question was for dating. Again, I’m no expert, but I’ve NEVER disclosed on the first date. It’s too personal, we live in a world where if you don’t like your dates shoes it’s on to the next one. Don’t hand them a reason to say “next”. After all, don’t you wear your best outfit, wear make up, and share the most flattering images on the apps? Give you and him some time to get to know each other. Back to disclosing...I’ve disclosed when it was 4-5 dates and it was just getting obvious that I was avoiding going home with someone. In that case I finally went home with him, but said “before we do, I need to tell you something...” I’ve also made out all night with someone, waking up the next morning and said “there’s a reason why I didn’t go past second base last night...and it’s because I have herpes.” (And this all goes without saying. But NEVER have sex - especially unprotected - without disclosing. Seriously, read some of the sad and worried people that are tearing themselves up the next day.) This weekend, I have a third date with someone. It’s cheating, but I read on his okcupid profile that his answer was “yes” to would you date someone with genital herpes. So I have a good sense he’d say yes (though maybe not a guarantee). I’m going to see how the night goes - if he asks “what was your scariest moment” or “whats your darkest secret” it’s an easy transition. Likely, it’ll be as the night is winding down, and he might ask “will you stay over?” In that moment, it’s my option - “yes, but if it’s alright just to cuddle” (and I won’t disclose) My disclosure speech - this is the long version, use only if he’s asking questions. Otherwise, cut after “I have xxx, risk is xxx” or “yes, but before I do I’d like to tell you something. Remember when we joked about everyone having HPV? Well, I have something that is almost as common - genital herpes. I’ve had it for about 2.5 years, and I’ve come to find that, despite how terrifying it sounds, it’s been really more of a mental annoyance than anything. Do you know anything about herpes?” (Yes/no) “ok. Well, it’s ridiculously common- 1 in 5 women have it, but, it’s also not included in STI panels. That’s how I got it - I was “safe” in that we were both tested before sex, but in my naïveté neither knew you had to ask for a special test” (What does that mean for us/you)? “Well, because I know, I can be safer about it. I am well aware of my body, and haven’t had anything (weeks? Months). That, plus I take valtrex daily, which means the chances are even more reduced. With a condom, valtrex, and me being aware, the chances are 1% if we’d have sex regularly for a whole year. Which means...slim to none” (so what can we do) I can obviously give oral no problem (wink). Also; it just doesn’t like the mouth, so if you’d be comfortable, that’s on the table too. I prefer to have sex with a condom (both until we’re both tested, as well as until we’re more committed). I’m telling you all this not to scare you away but because I want to let you know I care about you. There will be those out there (and some doctors have even told me) not to disclose. But I think that’s unfair. And I’d rather be brave and careful than cowardly and stupid. ...so that’s my speech! Hopefully that helped.

Contracted/diagnosed at 29, on my 4th sexual partner after waiting to lose my V card at 25. Wooo. Currently sitting in a bath, willing my flucanozole to work faster through a yeast infection. So I feel you on the bath part too!

First of all, DEEP BREATH! You don't know that you've passed it on. You also didn't know that you had it. Yes, he'll likely be scared at first, but I wouldn't mention that you weren't feeling well when you had sex. No reason. Your story is true - I heard some crazy rumors last week that my ex has something - herpes - so I went in for the doctor to get tested. He checked my blood, and I have the antibodies. This means I've been carrying it for quite some time, so I know who gave this to me. I am asymptomatic - this means I don't have any traditional signs of herpes, like nearly 80% of people. I never would have put you at risk had I known, and of course I didn't know when we had sex. And, though I get STI tested, they don't include it - even when you ask for everything. For him, his stress window is about 2-14 days. Average person shows symptoms at 4-5. So I would say Day 4 is a good time to tell him, he'll either be nearly in the clear, easing his mind, or he'll say "shit I did think it was an ingrown hair. And don't take any abuse from him. This is so very much not your fault. At all. If he gets mean, walk. If he gets angry, that's understandable. Give him time to cool. What do you mean he'll be so distraught? Is he a highly anxious person?

I'm sorry you're hurting as well, but herpes really can be your wingwoman. You say that you thought there was potential, but he wasn't ready to commit in the same way. He's being selfish, and thinking of himself *after* being with you. Herpes is just a skin rash, and if someone is planning to commit to you, a skin rash is worth it. He would have had the same reaction had you said "hey my place is being fumigated can I stay with you for a few weeks" or "my parents are in town, would you want to get dinner with us?" I had the same rejection recently - a guy I got on with immensely well, he was attractive, smart, and a bit of a nerd like me. He was super into me until I disclosed one night, and he too did his research and concluded he is already a hypochondriac and wouldn't be able to mentally handle the paranoia or fully give himself to be with me. I thought at least it was good he was honest with himself, and with me. In the meantime, next week I'm going on an overseas trip with a man that wants to have sex - without a condom, which I won't do regardless - and he doesn't give a flying fuck about herpes. There's good ones out there!!

Thanks for the help - I ended up double checking before we booked, and he had zero issues with it. Now I can just hope nothing "pops up" just before...but even then I think we can have fun

Ah quite a big step! I don't have much advice on where you should do it - it depends on you, and your relationship really. If you guys have long talks, have good conversation, etc, I would say do it at his apartment - it feels more intimate. But really anywhere where he might feel comfortable discussing is good. And, more importantly, where you feel comfortable (so if you want an easy exit for some reason, a park might be good) I also don't think there's a need for an answer right away - so I would disclose, see if he has questions, talk about it if he wants, but then plan to change the conversation and keep talking, I wouldn't want someone to drop that news on me and then leave me alone (and I'd personally drive myself crazy if I left immediately after), so I would plan on staying around. I think good phrasing I've heard is "i find you quite attractive, and I can feel that this is going to be getting physical soon. I wanted to talk to you about something before that happens. I have herpes (type xx). Do you know what that means?" (Good to check their knowledge here). "I take suppressive medication, which means there's a very low risk, even lower if we use a condom. I just wanted to let you know so you could be fully informed and make a decision." (Can pause here, don't want to ramble!) "A ton of people have it (1 in 5 women, actually) and don't know or choose not to tell. But I really like you/care about you and respect you, and would rather be honest and risk losing you than hide something selfishly. I hope you'll think about it, do research if you like, and theres no need to answer now!" I think it's important that he knows that you are doing this out of respect for him, and that you're hopeful that this won't be an issue but not selfish enough to try to hide anything because you care about him. (This disclosure is kind of assuming that you guys are close, you like him / want a relationship. You'll see much of the language is intimate- trust, respect, care. IF for some reason you're not as close or feel like it's leaning too heavily into commitment, then change some of the words to be a touch more lighthearted and flirty. He's making a decision to have sex with you, not to marry you hehehe) GOOD LUCK. And remember - keep progressing the relationship and worry about disclosing when it's time. If you start getting a funny feeling about him, see some negatives you don't want to date, etc - try to see those without the herpes blinders on. There are so many reasons relationships work, and so many reasons they don't, that are farrrrr beyond H.<3

Ooooof I had the same paranoia of getting it everywhere. I would constantly be checking out my lady bit area, then mistakenly move my hand to my mouth or somewhere. "Oh no, did I just transmit it to my mouth?!" I'd think. I even lost a whole day in Mykonos worrying about my eye (cue eye roll) Two years later, guess what? It's still only in my nether region. Here's some tips to give yourself PEACE OF MIND (because self inoculation is really, really, really rare) Start a process that you know will prevent you from touching your outbreak and followed by another area where it could spread. I would just dry off my whole body, and then at the end, towel off my butt/vaginal area. No need for separate towels! Wash your hands after using the bathroom (duh, but if I was in my own apartment, I wouldn't always do this haha) If you must touch yourself to inspect the area (I was really bad at this), just be thoughtful and wash your hands after Don't bite your cuticles (also just good hygiene, I was so bad at this before) That's it. It's just common sense and good hygiene really. Wash your hands is the lesson, and know that it is extremely extremely rare, and I would have sworn I'd self inoculated like 10 times.

Just to be clear...you're haven't been lying to him at all! I think it's important to disclose on your terms (as long as it's before the deed), but when you're ready. Someone once wrote on the forum that we all have stuff. Depression, heart disease, anxiety, tardiness, migraines. We don't feel like we're lying to those we like when we don't "disclose" other things, but those have a lot to do with how a relationship will go as well. It sounds like you've reached a comfort level (and he's shared very private things too) where you're ready to talk - and that's great. Good luck!!

Yes, unfortunately new sores are common - I kept wondering "when is my first outbreak over, and then I start to count it as my second?!" But it will calm down over a few weeks, and you'll start to feel normal again Baths with Epsom salts were my best friend - Epsom salts help to dry them out, plus the bonus of it relaxing you. Take a bath, grab some fuzzy water in a wine glass (or he'll, a small glass of wine) and try to relax! I also decided to go on the meds full time, as I was dating someone without H. Most people try to see how their body handles the virus without meds - buti went straight to the daily support ;)

So kind of a weird question... I met a guy abroad, and we hooked up a few times. I know that I told him I had herpes - we even had a conversation (sober) during sex where I referred to it again (I started to get paranoid after we took the condom off - he insisted he wasn't phased by what I had, but I told him I was actually just as paranoid for what he might have!) We still speak every day, and we're talking about reuniting somewhere in the world. However, I'm so gunshy after being rejected recently that I am now worried - what if he doesn't remember? I KNOW that we talked about it, briefly but I have never ever hooked up without telling someone. How do I (non awkwardly) just make sure he remembers, before we plan a big trip? Or ami being crazy and paranoid and just need to accept that a pretty awesome guy is into me?

Thank you @hikinggirl - I really love that quote. And the only thing I can say in this situation is boy did I come out of this a fighter. He said "I have a ton of respect for how you were candid and open about it." I think he meant it, but deep in his heart I'm not sure he was ready for someone with my level of confidence and poise. After all, he's a 36 year old man that lives in essentially a college dorm room and still parties til 6am every weekend. @milar I'm sorry you lost a someone that you really liked. I think it seems like you lost a "good" guy if he's going to talk out of both sides of his mouth like that. Good luck to him because he's got a better chance of getting it out in the wild unknown than he did with you. And for the record...I'm currently planning a reunion with a brit I met/slept with while traveling in Asia. So it's just proof that some guys will care, and some guys just won't.

Just got my first rejection this morning, and, well, it sucks. It's not even a guy I would like very much - from our first date, I got the sense that he was a bit selfish, maybe a little too rigid, and had a decent ego. But, he likes festivals, had a great sense of humor, was nerdy but cool and very attractive. I disclosed after a long party during our second date (both dates lasted over 5 hours each) when the topic of condoms came up (he was sharing a story that a friend had gotten someone pregnant, and he was going through the list of reasons why one should use a condom). I took that as an opportunity to say "speaking of condoms...I do have something to share." He said he wanted to do more research, which I thought was a totally fair response. We stayed til the sunrise and then went back to his place, where we slept, cuddled and made out (no sex, I even refused him a few times). On Monday, he was totally radio silent. I had a feeling that something was up, and wondered if maybe that could be it. Sure enough, this morning woke up to a text telling me that he didn't want to be romantic with me, and after doing some reading he'd have to "hold back too much" sexually. I asked him if maybe I'd told him too soon - I tend to be a "quick draw" and just want to get it over with. He said possibly - that maybe if he'd known me a bit more, and wanted to be with me in a more real way, that he would have seen the risk differently. I just find a really fine line between getting to know someone and then feeling like I'm leading them on. Two dates was way too soon, though. (THAT SAID - I already felt some deep red flags on our dates - the biggest was how he treated his dogs. When I went back to his place, I discovered that he never took his two maltese dogs for a walk - literally, they stayed in his apartment for at least a week using pee pads before they would sometimes see the light of day. I tried to wrap my brain around how someone could have a dog and treat it like that, and I really couldn't. I'm not sure why I was trying to ignore something so fundamental to me - so maybe this is herpes being my wingwoman)

That happened to me a few times after my primary (but not since). Primary OBs are always the worst outbreak you'll ever have - I think that they're a bit deeper, as well. So, while you were healed from a herpes perspective, I think that the skin might have been a little sensitive still. I think you didn't give it quite enough time. If you can, try waiting 2 weeks now, and then use the advice above (line, going slow, getting really warmed up, and try to make it a quick jaunt rather than a marathon sex).

It will all be okay! Check out my most recent post about 2 year update - I thought I'd die alone with 100 cats but have been in a loving long term relationship, and since the break up (unrelated to the H), have disclosed and successfully hooked up with plenty of guys. If someone rejects me...it will hurt, sure. And I'll grieve, fine. But tbh I'm pretty awesome and if what most people I meet is any indication, it's just not a big fucking deal.