val

I think my friend and I are going to distance ourselves for now and suddenly I am so sad about it. I understand that we were no longer helping each other. I really wasn't helping my friend anymore and in turn that made me feel guilty, but now that we've decided to have space, I'm overwhelmed with realizing how much I have lost because of this. I have no will to go and be my social self any longer. As for my other friends mom, she actually has hsv2 which is why I talked to her about it, as does her daughter so it's beyond me how she can think that it's ok not to disclose. I went on suppressive meds after the 6th outbreak, this is the first ob I've had since I went on the suppressive meds. As for the depression, I've had it since I was 12 and I have a therapist and I'm on antidepressants. Actually, when I was diagnosed with H, I found out that my therapist also had H and it was transmitted similarly to how I got it. She has given me quite a bit of hope as she is married with two kids. I'm just tired and it's so unfair how an ob hits when you are stressed out because it's usually the last thing you need to top the stress cake.

I had been doing really well with the diagnosis, was even happy for it and how it would help me weed out unworthy people, but lately I have started to feel so worthless. I started talking to a friend with H in the last few months and the friend is really struggling with it which is totally understandable, but I've noticed that the more unhappy they are and the harder I try to be there for them, the more depressed I have become and the more I question my own value and worth. I'm now experiencing my 7th outbreak since my diagnosis in May and I just absolutely hate myself. And worse, I feel guilty because I am struggling so much to keep my head above water that I am struggling to be there for my friend. I just feel like a lesser person who doesn't deserve to be happy or have a normal life anymore. And even if I did feel like I deserved it, that doesn't mean I'll get a normal life. My friend's mom advised me to not tell future partners which also made me feel like I should be ashamed of myself and therefore should just lie to people which in turn just made me feel like I'd rather just become completely closed off to people in general. I don't want to feel this hopeless. I really was doing well and I've just slipped.

The boy that ghosted me, I called him out in a kind way. Check out my other thread, that's the follow up on him! You ARE a cool, fun, CUTE surfer girl! There is no except! And anyone who sees an "except" would not be worth your time with, or without herpes. And you have to believe that, because if you can't believe it about yourself, you can't believe it about others. And I really hope you don't think that I am just herpes.

Ok he answered and admitted that maybe he wasn't handling it very well and that he thought I did just fine. He took my out that I offered on being friends and didn't mention anything about dating. It's good practice I guess!!

Ok! Final draft! @jl13 @2legit2quit @wcsdancer2010 @nothinggoodgetsaway After an extra early morning, and the first one since disclosure that I haven't woken up and prayed for more sleep, I decided that I would reword my follow up. I like this guy in the chemical sense but I realized that if this is how he will handle issues in the future (to go off radar completely except for his funny memes he posts on Facebook daily) then I am not willing to pursue an intimate relationship. I am happy to give a man time and space to figure things out but not at my emotional expense. Thank yall so much for the advice and kindness. It's easy with H to feel like you are the only person in the world. That all being said, here is my final draft and I sent it out already. We will see!! "I'm really sorry about the way I handled things last week. It was my first time telling anyone and I was so nervous because it was such a hard thing for me to do, I know I basically laid it out like it was this huge decision that needed to be made immediately. I really do understand that, the way I went about it was really messy and stressful. Like I said, first time, congrats on being so nice that I trusted you enough for that. Anyways, I didn't mean for this to be some big awkward choice or life decision, and I was so nervous that I made it into just that. What I was trying to say way if you'd like to pursue something with me that's not sexual for now, and really get to know me, and come back to all this later, I'd like that. But that first conversation was scary for me so i managed to deliver it with too much pressure. I'm really sorry for that, please just understand that it was less about the pressure I was putting on you and more about what I was putting on myself. Anyways, again I'm so sorry and I'd like to just be friends if you'd be interested."

@nothinggoodgetsaway you're right! That is so true. I will do some editing!

Thank you @jl13 and @wcsdancer2010 !! It sincerely means so much to be able ask people other than my H- friends. @2legit2quit I disclosed Sunday. He has a busy job so I was going to give him a week before a follow up. But yes I suppose the amount of time that has passed has made me anxious but also, we have the same close friend and I talked to her last night. I know the way I did it, although I was proud, I think I kind of put him on the spot. I'm not even ready to sleep with him in general and after the disclosure, I basically said "you ready for a long term intimate relationship?" I mean I didn't really but looking back, I was so nervous and afraid of rejection, I didn't word that part well. I guess I want to follow up to let him know that I'm not saying I am expecting him to immediately sleep with me or be my boyfriend, just that I was disclosing the hsv and that we should take our time. I was just so nervous and sort of all over the place. Now that I've had a few dad to gather myself, I see that I put a lot of pressure on his side. Honestly, after diagnoses, did yall find that it hsv forces you to take things slow, the way you should regardless of your sexual health? It's a weird, annoying blessing I guess.

My first disclosure was obviously vulnerable and scary. I did the very best that I could and I'm proud of the way my first disclosure went. However I do know that some things could have went a lot smoother and I was wondering what opinion any of you would have on a follow up message. This guy is so nice and we have a close mutual friend. I really like him but my heart isn't set on him so seeing him in the future would be fine for me unless he never gives me an answer. I know it's not my job to do the right thing by me for him, but it was my job to make this informational bomb as easy to digest as possible. With that said I was thinking of messaging him this: "If I told you--that because my disclosure to you was my first time disclosing to anyone, and because of that it could have gone exponentially smoother due to nerves and fears and insecurities. That if I had it to do over I wouldn't have made it such a serious thing for your benefit, because it was only a serious thing because I had never told someone who was trying to sleep with me before. That I could have presented it in a way where I was just telling you that I didn't think either one of us was ready for sex with each other yet and that I'd like it if we continued the dates and getting to know one another and that maybe after that we could come back to the serious part of it or that we could decide we would work better as friends--if I had told you all that, do you think that it would have taken away from all the pressure of it? I'm really sorry, I really do understand that, the way I went about it was really messy and stressful. Like I said, first time, congrats on being so nice that I trusted you enough for that. Anyways, I don't want this to be some big awkward choice or life decision, and I was so nervous that I made it into just that. If you'd like to pursue something with me that's not sexual for now, and really get to know me, and come back to all this later, I'd like that. If you'd like to be just friends I'd like that too. Just please don't feel pressured and please don't feel like you have to avoid me. I'm a big girl, there won't be any hard feelings." The poor guy has never been faced with this and looking back I just know I put a lot of pressure on this conversation because I felt so much pressure to have to do it and to do it right. I was terrified, I'm sure he was scared. Anyways, I may have herpes, but I'm still just a young girl who over analyzes everything haha. I'll grow out of that one day right? Opinions and suggestions appreciated!!

Self-pity in its early stage is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain. We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. Love recognizes no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination hope. ------Maya Angelou

This post made me cry @serendipity515 I have known for some time that I was going to need to stop finding my worth in sex with others but I couldn't seem to break the habit. H is forcing my hand into that. Well that and my respect towards others if not myself. I suppose I could go forth not disclosing and continue seeking validation, but I cannot take the choice away from someone the way it was taken away from me. When I told my first disclosure, which was just a few nights ago, I told him that the point of giving someone a choice was to see if it would be worth the risk. I told him that had the person who infected me had given me the choice, that I would have been kind but I would have known that our relationship would go no further than that night and that I would have opted to not sleep with him. I know that once I get that first disclosure where the partner is ok to go forward with an intimate relationship, that I will eventually be thankful for H in helping me weed out those who don't care for my emotional well-being, but until then, I suppose it will be a struggle. Thank you for sharing! It gives me hope!

This was beautiful

Also, I apologize for all the poor grammar and typos. I was crying while I wrote this and not paying attention. @WCSdancer2010

Thank you @WCSdancer2010 !! Everything you said makes total sense. I truly appreciate the support. Feeling alone is probably the worst part.

I am so confused. My friend introduced me to a guy she works with. He is the nicest man I have ever had take me out. He's beeb so respectful and kind. I was starting to get nervous about disclosure because he was the first one to disclose it to. On Saturday after our fifth time hanging out, I went to his house and I told him. I did everything that we are advised to do and say. I didn't say "disease" I did use statistics. He was so sweet after. He kissed me and held me all night. He dropped me off Sunday morning and told me to text him. I did later, to say to take his time as think about it and just to let me know one way or another if he would want to be intimate with me in the future, just so I could know whether to move on or not. It now Tuesday evening and I have heard nothing. I don't expect to hear anything. I'm devastated. I'm not sure why I am so upset, except that I got my hopes up that everything would be ok because he treated me so kindly and tenderly. I've cried every day. Haven't taken calls and haven't went to work. I can even think about te thought of a bad conversation and how it will affect me as this has crushed me. I don't want to answer my momma when se calls because I remember her saying about two different women from our hometown that they probably had herpes because they were being punished. I know that's not due and I honestly wouldn't feel that way about anyone who told me they're story so why do I believe I deserve this? And why do I feel like I'll always be alone? And honestly at this point, I know I'll be alone because I can't sleep with someone without telling them and I don't think I could ever tell again. I just don't want to open myself up to this sort of rejection. I mean I know I haven't given this guy a lot of time, but honestly if he can post funny memes to Instagram, he's had some time to at least think about this or reach out somehow. He hasn't said a single word. I'm clearly not worth the risk. I'm so low right now. It's so dark and I just don't know how to move forward.