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slee

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  1. Any tingling itchy sensation can be an OB, even when not followed by any bump or sore? I get tingly sensation around my lips from time to time. It passes after a while. I'd assumed it was just some kind of alergy, but it's weird if I think about it.
  2. Hello. I'm 23 years old female. It'd be nice having a buddy. I still have difficulties accepting this. I never even told anyone and it's been 6 years. Hit me up if you'd like to chat.
  3. Thanks, @WCSDancer2010. I have a few questions, I will PM you if that's ok.
  4. I've been having to share my computer with other people lately but I finally have a few minutes to reply and thank everyone for their support. I feel better than I was when I wrote my post, but I'm still struggling to find motivation, hope and my long lost self-appreciation. Thanks a lot @jl13. I will definitely message you if that's all right! I'm sorry to hear about your abusive relationship @StillMeButWiser. My abusive relationship was different than yours in the sense that he didn't beat me. There were physical threats involved. Had we got married, he'd likely start beating me, too. Relationships should be happy and help two people evolve. I've been in one for three years and I have literally nothing to show for it. "which sees this as an option does not want to deal tramatic stress. Perhaps any longer and sees death as the only option to make it end. Craving peace. Do you have thoughts on how you actually would want to expire? Do you have any fear of death? Do you have any reasons to live? (Questions to ask yourself)" Lately I've been having a hard time finding motivation and my own self-worth. It's like this suffering's never going to end. I recently realized what might have influenced me to put up with abuse in my past relationship and that gave me... a little more peace of mind. I had difficult times as a pre-teenager and apparently it had more impact on my psyche than I first thought. But I still blame myself a lot for putting up with it and not noticing certain "red flags". I tried suicide once. I have thoughts of how I'd do it, thoughts of how I would not do it. I don't have fear of death itself, I'm more concerned about my parents and how they would take it. I'm still working on finding reasons to live. Happiness is everybody's reason to live, but that I feel like it's unreachable. I really appreciate you sharing a bit of your story. I'll remember what you said about the difference between being carefree and careless. Thanks a lot! @whitedaisies "Sometimes we get to a dark place and we are there longer than we would like." That's exactly how I feel and it's been like this for a couple of months now. It's very difficult to get out of this place once we get there. I love the cement block analogy. I'm happy to hear that you're healing, chipping off the block, it's inspiring. It really does take a lot of work and effort! Most days, it's difficult enough to get up of my bed. I'll make a promise to myself, I won't give up. Thanks a lot, whitedaisies. Hey @WCSDancer2010. I'm in a stage where just hearing the word "carrier" kind of makes me sad. Maybe it's like the 5 stages of grief. I often oscilate between the 5. I'm struggling. Having contracted H in my first time is so weird. I didn't even get to enjoy my sexuality. I never had any orgams and would often feel uncomfortable. I think I wouldn't be so devastated if I had contracted from someone that truly cared for me. As for HPV, I had no idea that there were no tests for assymptomatic men. Can the hpv type that causes dysplasia also cause warts as well? I always wondered if dysplasia was like a cervical wart, since warts are also growths of abnormal cells. If so there is a possibility of this type of hpv also cause warts, right? I'll check the links that you sent me. Thank you for the kind words. I feel so lucky to have found such a supportive and friendly community here. It's comforting! Thanks a lot, everyone.
  5. Hey everyone. It's my first time here on H Opp, but I've had GHSV for 6 years. I've never been tested to know which type, but I'd rather assume I have both given the circumstances. When I was very very young (bellow 18), started dating someone 4 years older who later turned out to be manipulative and emotionally abusive. He was my first partner and he still is the only I've had. After the first time we had sex, I had a really bad outbreak. It got worse because I didn't know what it was and didn't get treatment asap out of embarrassment. I used an antiviral cream and the sores healed after a few days. It makes me think. If 1 out of 6 people have this... How unlucky am I to have gotten it at my first attempt? Besides that, later I found out I also had cervical dysplasia caused by hpv. It's worked out now, but it's yet another problem, yet another reason to feel bad about myself. Although it's been about 5 years since I broke free from my abuser, I haven't had another relationship since then. Some guys have shown interest, but I always think to myself "they wouldn't be saying that if they knew". Besides I have difficulties seeing sex as a positive thing. I just don't seem to be able to picture myself having sex ever again. I don't know if this is because the diagnosis or because of the nature of my first relationship. Maybe a mix of both. I blame myself a lot for what happened. There were minor red flags about him since day 1, and yet I couldn't see them. By the time he had shown his true colors, I was already too invested and most of all disempowered. This was a 3 year long relationship and it impacted me in such a way I'll never be the same person again. It's just too much for me. On top of that, there's the huge social stigma and public shaming. I've been thinking of suicide on a daily basis. I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy and depression medication, but it doesn't feel like it's helped me tackling this specific issue. While I've only had two or maybe three outbreaks in 6 years, the psychological wounds are a major constant in my life.
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