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TodayIsANewStart

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  1. Do you mind sharing - what were your symptoms when you went? I read your post from 8/13, but since it's been a few weeks, what are you seeing now that made the dentist think it was H? Also, if you're showing symptoms, highly recommend that you go to a doctor that will do a swab test! I had a swab of the inside of my cheek done, and it came back negative - I have canker sores pretty often, and where they were presenting (plus the fact that it was inside only) made me 99% sure it was canker, but the swab helped ease my mind so much. Thank you for sharing, it's helpful for all of us to stay educated on the different ways that H can present. And I will reiterate - whether you have H "in" or "around" your mouth, you are in good company - 80% of people in the US will have this, so you are going to be a-okay! If it is H, have you considered suppression therapy? It seems like some of your symptoms were quite painful, this would help with both frequency and duration of OBs, as well as reduce shedding.
  2. Hello everyone! I wanted to write to everyone as a recently diagnosed, recently disclosed and recently over-the-moon gal. It's very long, but I included my ramp up to disclosure, disclosure, post-disclosure sex and a follow up to today. (PS - I'm late 20's, live in a big city, and met my guy on Tinder) My first thought when I had this was - who is ever going to want me now? And regardless of what everyone (EVERYONE) assured me, my mind wouldn't let go of the fact that I was now a leper, and I had this "strike" against me now. I'm funny, outgoing, earnest, nice and pretty. But despite all of these things I had going for me, I couldn't shake it. **Dating after Diagnosis** My first date with my current beau was the *day* I showed symptoms. From the MOMENT I met this man, I had an instant draw to him. We laughed so hard, I made fun of him mercilessly, and he gave it back in spades. We ended the night with a sweet kiss on my stoop, and after he walked me home he sent me a sweet text about how much fun he'd had that night. We spent the next month going on dates every 2-3 days(!), and didn't even go a week without seeing each other. I counted myself lucky that our activities were always at a restaurant, bar, movie theater or park. There was no physical pressure because we were both kind of under the weather at different points, but I knew that a day would come where I would have to share. He finally asked if I would stay over after a date one night - and I agreed. I told myself - and him - that nothing was going to happen that night, and he was okay with that. Nothing did, but I knew I'd reached the tipping point. The last thing I wanted to do was confuse him or hurt his feelings that there was anything wrong with him that would stop the physical progress. **The Disclosure*** So, the next night I saw him, I knew it was "the" night. I sat him down. "Hey, can we talk about something? I like you...alot. And it's so important to be honest with you because I think we have something here, so before we take the next physical step, I need to tell you that I have genital herpes." My beau's reaction when I told him? "Jesus. You scared me. I thought you were going to say you were married or something." (Hey everyone, this is NOT A BIG DEAL apparently.) I asked him what he knew about it, and he knew it was something that was for life, but that as long as I didn't have an outbreak we would be okay. I corrected that a bit, letting him know that there was always going to be a risk, especially since I was a recent infection. (at this point, the question he had for me was...how recent? He was more worried that I had gotten this while I was seeing him than he was that I had this. I assured him it was before we had met, and his worry visibly lessened.) He also wanted to know if I'd gotten it from someone that knew. Apparently, he knows 2 (!) people that have gotten this from partners that knew they had it but didn't disclose. I told him no, it was a friend that didn't know he had it, was regularly tested and just didn't know that H wasn't included in tests - that, and he'd never been "traditionally" symptomatic. I then went into a few of the details about how 1 in 6 people have this (1 in 5 women my age), and how 80% of them don't know because 1) they don't show traditional symptoms and 2) they don't test for this in most STI panels. I admitted that now I could let myself really like him - that I'd been kind of holding back in fear. He got a little sad at that, kissed me and said "I'm so sorry you've been going through this and I couldn't be there for you. But I am now." A little later, he looked at me and said "well...I have a condom..." I had already decided that I wanted to give him time to sit with this - I was going to send him the disclosure .pdfs, and give him a few days to do any research he wanted. I offered to answer any questions he had, or to reach out to the forum if there was something that I didn't know. **The Sex*** A few days later, I asked how he was feeling about everything. His thoughts hadn't changed, and he still wanted to have sex. So, we did, and it was really great - I need to keep some things private! Unfortunately, despite plenty of lube, I did tear right at the end, which kind of put the kibosh on doing something again soon after. I didn't notice an outbreak other than the tear, but since then I've been having a flare up here and there, which after the 5 days of healing, and then having another one, means we haven't had the opportunity to get down again...SO frustrating. (But I've found other ways to have fun, and I haven't even gotten to the tip of the iceberg on the hints on the forum ;) ) **1 Month Later** I have read several disclosure stories, and always crave the followup! Things are still AMAZING with him. We officially started dating a bit after my disclosure, I've met his friends and he's met mine. We're taking our first trip together soon, and we freely admit how happy we make each other. Fine, fine, we're in the honeymoon stage, I know. But I've never been happier with someone. Ever. This week, I told him that I was starting to be afraid that I wasn't able to have sex with him, and that this would be a deal breaker. Again, his response was incredible. "I know this is a big deal for you, because it's happening to you and you have to deal with so much. So I don't want to tell you to not worry. But for me, this is nothing. This is such a minor thing, barely an inconvenience, and you don't have to worry about me. You could tell me that we couldn't have sex for a month, months, and I would be perfectly fine." I've noticed that this has made us so much closer - he's mentioned it too. Whereas in a normal relationship at this point we'd feel the need to hide things, I have laid my most personal element all on the table. And we talk about it - not often, but it's there. If I have a rough day, or I'm a little sad, I can be honest with him about why I'm feeling the way I am. If I can't have sex or be physical, I don't need to lie to him. And I've noticed that this honesty has spilled over into personal stories completely not H related - it's really made us amazingly close. **Disclosure Tips** My friends reminded me a few things that I found SO helpful: 1) This is NOT a confession. This is not you revealing something about yourself, and how you got this, and apologizing for something that has happened. This is information for the future - about how you can take the next steps, but be safe. 2) DON'T BUILD IT UP. My first "drafts" of the speech had a big up front that lasted at least a minute about how important honesty is, how much I liked him, why I needed to tell him something. When I said it out loud, JEEZ it sounded scary. I pared it down to what I have above. 3) This is about honesty, trust and physical safety - not anything about "you," your personality, etc. There is nothing "wrong," this is informational! 4) Don't assume his/her reaction. None of us know what the other people will do, and we CRAVE control, don't we? The only thing we can control is ourselves, so we may start building up a wall, or pre-apologizing, or assume the answer will be bad so we get more emotional than needed. But if you're open, earnest and confident, that gives the other person the opportunity to react how they would like to react. 5) ALWAYS DISCLOSE. (This is my lesson, not my friend's) We all make mistakes, and we are all human. But how would we all be dealing with our H diagnosis right now if we had been given the choice, and all of the information, up front? The talk was scary, yes. I was terrified to lose him. But he THANKED me for telling him - "if you'd be telling me this after we had sex, I'd be furious, and if I'd gotten it, we'd be over. But you're a great person. And telling me took courage, and I know it wasn't easy, and now this is my choice."
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