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HatingMeNow

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Everything posted by HatingMeNow

  1. I am severely overweight. I've tried losing weight, all the time. I really hate going through this, but I guess I have to. I had some minor breakthroughs, where I went over 2 months without one, taking L-Lysine and B12 tablets. But, I had two back to back.... I'm noticing if I cut pop and chocolate out of my diet helped immensely. Outside of that, I'm back to square one.
  2. I can love myself when these outbreaks stop! I'm sick of this!! This is my life now. I'm a short, fat walking virus with no sight to fix this. I can't date anyone with this, how can I? What is the point of even doing anything?
  3. When does the goddamn pain stop? I've had this now for 5+ years and everything I've read said the outbreaks will lessen over time. All of mine are always bad, and I have multiple ones almost every month! I can't go to a fucking doctor because I can't chance any results being mailed to my house and my parents finding out I have this, and I have nowhere else to get this shit mailed. I've done homenremedies, nothing is working! I am so fucking sick of this and want it to stop!!! When the fuck does it stop?!?!?!
  4. So, it's been a year since my ex broke up with me because of her diagnosis w/ H-2...... while I'm still single, suffering with complications, and feeling completely worthless from it all (specifically how she chose to break up with me by telling me she basically was with someone else the last month of our relationship), I was told through a former mutual friend she and her new boyfriend are extremely serious and maybe engaged in the upcoming months...... .............. I will save you all the sob story, because I really don't matter. I was misdiagnosed for nearly a decade with an abnormal skin condition, based on a bad reaction to certain soaps and latex. Three doctors misdiagnosed me, until my ex and I found out she had H-2, and the one other female I was ever with sexually prior to her slyly admitted she knew she had it but would never tell me. I feel completely, utterly worthless in every sense of the words. I'm short (5'3), overweight, do not own anything but my car (which is in the process of slowly falling apart on me), I still live at home, in my early 30's, and outside of a decent job, have no real career...... however, the woman who gave me this is happily married w/ 3 children (who are all negative for H), and my ex who left me over this (which at this rate I don't blame her), has a solid career in the nursing field, a new man who obviously accepts her for the condition, and may have wedding bells. You have no idea how much it hurts and empty I feel every morning waking up to realize there will never be a woman who will love me, or accept this. I don't know why I'm even writing this.... guess the timing as it was this time last year the final nail was driven, and I never got to heal. Never will heal. How is this fair?
  5. I totally understand that this is my fault.... It isn't the person who purposely gave this to me, or the 3 doctor's who told me the wrong information. It's me.... She doesn't see me as a love anymore, but as an object. Just like everyone else has seen me as. It's the reason I went over 10 years of not trying to find someone who could love me.... it's impossible to.
  6. My story has no happy ending. Let me set the premise. I was single for 10 years prior to my current relationship with my girlfriend (term is loosely). The previous relationship before that, I was with a girl who transferred me my "curse", of HSV-2. She did so with malice, and at the time I found out, found out she had cheated on me with someone else. I found out, by walking in on her doing it. Weeks later, I started having unknown symptoms I was not used to. When I had it diagnosed, my doctor at the time (a senile older man), told me I did not have Herpes, but a variant skin condition. I spent the next 10 years ashamed of myself, knowing I had something that was not curable, but in a sinking depression, knowing for a fact I would never find someone to love me for me and build with me. That was before the love of my life found me last October. I told her about what I perceived as my condition, and I had a weight lifted. She accepted it. We had such a great love for each other, and every morning I woke up thanking God for finally sending me my love I thought was never there. This is where my brief love story ends. ..... In March, my love started having similar complications, we thought was a UTi, so after two wasted trips to Med Express, we finally decided to go to the Emergency Room. After an hour of tests and private conversations with Nurses, I walked into the room, and my love has eyes filled with tears staring at me, and I immediately thought the worse (she had ovarian cysts, so I thought it was something Cancer related). It wasn't, thank God, but the followup answer crushed my soul. She was diagnosed with Herpes, the disease I was told numerous times I did not have, but I had given her (she was not sexually active prior to me for 2 years). Even though she was in pain, she told me this was not going to change anything. She still loved me, and wanted to build with me. In a weird turn of events, my mind was at ease. The disease I didn't want to have myself, and now she has, was not going to be the rock that crushed us. It was another blessing. So I thought. The following months since, I noticed my love becoming more and more distant with me, not as attentive to things I had ongoing, and would make excuses for seeing me and wanting me to spend the night over. I knew there was something wrong, and had no idea what it could be (we had talked about this before, and we both agreed it was not a factor in our relationship, just a hurdle we would tackle together). After months of this behavior unwavering, I finally calmly let her know how I was feeling, and was hoping our relationship could return to the level of affection and love it was when we had started dating. This...... is when my happiness would begin to die. I had not heard from her after this for over 4 days, simply receiving a text which read, "I'm overwhelmed, frustrated, and angry and I will talk when I'm ready." You have to understand, prior to this text, we had went over 10 months without a single solitary fight or squabble. I was not used to seeing her angry, especially without providing me a reason. This morning, I received my reason. She texted me and told me she had lied to me months ago, and was not okay with the predicament I had placed her in, and she was irate at me for not knowing I had this (even though I attempted to have it checked multiple times and could not have someone provide me an answer, even my medical Doctor who was my primary physician for over 25 years.) I told her I wish every day I could turn the page and prevent this from happening, and made it known to me she doesn't think she could forgive me or not look at me and be angry. She essentially told me our future, my gift, was taken away, all from something I did not want to have, was given to me in rage and vengeance, and was not given the proper treatments....... this evening, I in full circle lost the love of my life, and the one I knew in my heart of hearts I would be with the rest of my life. We decided, to prevent multiple questions from friends, our social media accounts would stay we are still in a relationship, and we are, "taking a break," but it is more so a way to have it as an olive branch for my self esteem to not be fully crushed. This long diatribe is my way of fully acknowledging the following. This disease, has cost me more than happiness, and a chance at love. It has cost me my chance to have the life I feared I would never have. And for what? What did I do to deserve this? The love of my life hates me and cannot look at me the same way I see her? Before this relationship, I was again single for over a decade, watching couples and friends having loving relationships, while I was forced to admire from afar in my own personal prison. Yes, I know this goes against the grain and theme of this forum, but this is how I legit feel. I don't have the luxury of acceptance for someone to accept what I now have. Even if they did, I don't WANT someone other than my girlfriend to accept me. She was the one I wanted, and I lost her. I hurt her, and I have no way to make up for the pain I caused her, which was purposely passed to me. In summation, no I am not exactly, "newly," diagnosed with Herpes. But this year, after being successfully diagnosed with it, and losing my girlfriend as a result, in my head, it is too little, too late. I will never find someone to share the connection her and I had, who loved me dearly and one time supported me fully. My one glimmer of happiness now has a permanent cloud above it, and the grey drops of rain do nothing but sheet off me. Today, I lost the love of my life. Today, I am once again alone. Today, I acknowledge this, "curse," has won.
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