Well... I don't even know where to begin. I'm 19. I'm confused. I'm upset. I can't help but ponder endlessly about my future. I'm still waiting on my results but I am 300% positive I have oral and genital herpes. Both thriving as I type this. It's been about 4 days since the first, "Oh my God, what is that?". It's been nothing but agony and tears since. I've been with my boyfriend, Rich, for almost 6 months. He has been a God-sent angel throughout this. He is much older than me and in my eyes, the most beautiful man on the planet.
On January 30th Rich and I walked into my gyno office somewhat nonchalant. We waited for my name to be called, the one time I wouldnt have minded waiting hours in that uncomfortable chair. She called my name. We both walked into the room. I undressed. Waited some more. My fever and aches throughout my body seemed to escalate in those very moments. I saw in Richs eyes the hopeful dread of the answers that would follow. My gyno stepped in... wearing her usual smile. I lied down, warning her of how much pain I was in. Rich scooted his chair over, held my hand as tight as I held his. She slipped her swab into my vaginal hole and I screamed in pain. Rich watched my face as it became drenched with my tears. "It looks like herpes." ...
My heart dropped. My world stopped. Everything had seemed different. My eyes so filled with tears, my head overflowing with questions. My gyno handed me a herpes facts sheet and some prescriptions and that was it. Rich had taken the time to speak to her before she left the room and reiterated to her that he would love me regardless. In the midst of my miserable state I saw this as something I was so incredibly lucky to have. If i were alone in that moment... ugh I cant even think about that.
Rich is going to get tested. We never had a doubt in each others minds that one of us was unfaithful. We have the most loving relationship. However before i had met him, I was pretty promiscuous. And he knows that. A young woman growing up without a supportive father figure has so much to do with my choices Ive made with men. I think about that constantly yet try not to blame.
So much has happened in the past 4 days. So much and so little at the same time. I, probably like most people/women, who've been diagnosed have been on the internet non stop and utterly freaking myself out about this. I've never been in so much pain emotionally and physically. Other peoples stories comfort me yet scare me to death about my future. My sex life, my career, my emotions, my privates. How could I ever be normal? If I have an outbreak, will it feel like this every time? My boyfriend loves rough sex and intimate encounters all the time, will that still be ok? Will sex trigger an ob? What will trigger and ob? I go to the gym alot and am/was before all of this happened am training for fitness competitions. Will i still be able to do that? Even with a vigorous training schedule? What if my outbreaks are frequent? How could I deal with this much emotional stress on a regular basis? I already have issues with my self esteem. My boyfriend says he will never leave me and that Im still beautiful but what if Im miserable everytime I have an outbreak? Could he handle that? Could I? I want to marry him. We live together, have dogs together. I hope and pray this doesnt take over my life.
I told my mother. She doesnt understand the virus and its capabilities but she wasnt upset.
I dont care much for the stigma since Im already with the man Ill marry. Ive told the two people who matter and thats all that will ever need to know.
The stigma goes as far as ones mind will let it. Everyone judges, no matter what. I say that herpes should have a different name and should not be called such an ugly one.
Currently my feelings are, even though I am surrounded by love, I feel alone. I feel scared about my future. I was always excited about my future and its all come to a halt. My career is bartending and Id say its a pretty stressful one so that scares me since ob's tend to happen when ones stressed. My goal to to become a fitness model but I'm scared to train like i use to. I wear tight clothes and workout harder than most at my age. Im not worried about having children because I don't know if I want any.
This first outbreak, I wouldnt wish upon anyone... no one. I have multiple sores, down there and on my lips. I have tonsillitis, my period, and my first wisdom tooth coming in. My main fears are if this will alter my relationship and if I am one of those with multiple outbreaks. I am praying. Hoping I am not. Im trying my hardest to be strong... I have no choice.
Id appreciate any feedback and support. Thank you all
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