lelani

Hi there, l was diagnosed in my early 50's with HSV2. Had HPV from my 20's. I know what you are talking about...has a lot of older men contact me when l was dating...juar told them they wouldn't be able to keep up with me and wished thwm well. I dated younger men, was always up front at the beginning. Yes l was turned down the odd time but most men didn't worry about it. I decided that if they did l would just move on. I didn't want smokers or unfit men...l have deal breakers too! I realised was happy single and a good relationship would be a bonus. I had fun dating but didn't meet the right one, had my heart broken a couple of times, realising they weren't for me anyway and moved on. Now l have been in a relationship for 5 years with a good man who doesnt have either condition and accepts l have them. Herpes has changed my sex life and sometimes l wish l didn't have it, it bothers me more than him. My philosophy has always been that l work to be the best version of myself and l look for that in a man. If they fell short of that standard l would rather be single. It took about 5 years to find the right man and l enjoyed being single. Don't compromise , enjoy the good things about being single, be up front so there's no awkwardness and have some fun

All I can say too is hang in there...it DOES get better! I was feeling the same way when I was first diagnosed and it felt like my body was at war with me. Right now you need to treat yourself like you have a good dose of the flu...take care of your body and take it a day at a time. And emotionally...what you think about expands...time to take control of your thoughts. I have been through this too...and worked really hard on changing my thoughts..and believe me, they changed my reality and my pain. Every time you think "my body is a prison" say 'my body is healing more and more every day" (and use this for every shitty thought ). It might sound crazy but you have more control over your healing and you will heal. Use all those tools you already are..you are on the right track...if anything Herpes gives you a health kick in the ass! And go to the party...just don't drink and make sure you rest up before hand and the following day. I don't drink anymore and don't miss it...I have had Herpes for about 4 years now and its become a small part of my life (sometimes annoying) instead of everything about it. How you are feeling is normal...and it will pass. Sending you lots of good thoughts x

I love this thread...it proves there are awesome men (and women) out there who think like this. I thought like that when I had to make a decision to be with an H+ man...my current partner made the same decision with me. There are heaps of us intelligent, loving and mature souls out there who get that H is really just a skin condition that reflects our state of health :-). As for the multiple orgasm thing...I never experienced that until this year (!!!) maybe an unexpected gift from Herpes?! Well I tell myself that ;-) I was with a my husband for 28 years and never contracted his oral HSV1....and we had no idea about taking precautions, just went for it! While we didn't do oral when he had a cold sore there must have been plenty of times during those years he would have been unknowingly shedding. I have been wondering lately if I contracted my HSV2 from him too and it lay dormant for years (he was unfaithful regularly after our first year of marriage) rather than contracting it from the guy I thought I got it from a couple of years ago (just had yeast infections quite a lot over the years that often didn't clear with treatment that I would then have to repeat). I'll never know. In my roundabout way I'm saying that there are people who don't contract H even though they are regularly exposed to it. And people who have it and don't know until they have a 'first episode' that is recognized as H. Crazy virus! And there are so many amazing people out there that none of us have to settle for less :-) we just have to be patient and believe we deserve them. x

Hi MissKR :-)...mmm sounds like the chemistry is not there from both sides. Maybe give the guy a chance...probably best to have no expectations and let things unfold. He could be a good friend if nothing else develops. I have a couple of amazing guy friends that this happened with and I am so glad I was able to develop friendships with them rather than dating them...was the same thing - great guys (and I think I am pretty ok too!) but there wasn't any spark from either side even though we tried. I disclosed to both but this wasn't the deciding factor of things not going further...we just didn't have chemistry! It's early days for you...and you have time to see where it goes. If the contact isn't at a level you feel ok with then move on :-)...there's plenty more great guys in the world :-) x

Hi Eyeoneye...stop worrying...Sparkelpony is right (great advice!). You can care, just don't let that escalate into anxiety and worry. He already has HSV1 and that's how you got it...you are both in it together so just relax and share the challenges with him - he is as responsible as you to manage this in your lives. I am HSV2 + and my partner is -...I know that feeling of being concerned about transmission. But he made the choice and I respect that...I have been in the same position and that's how I contracted it. It isn't the end of the world (although initially it felt like that) and over time it becomes less of a worry. Would I be upset if my man contracted it from me? Yes of course, you never wish ill health on anyone. However I know won't be my 'fault' and we will deal with it together. And I know that if I am healthy it is at worst a minor annoyance only sometimes and for a week at the longest. Its not a major drama...I have had those and once Herpes settles down in comparison it really is just an annoyance. I have been with and H+ man and it was so easy...we both understood and we didn't have to worry about protection...so there could be a plus for my current partner and I (we have chosen to be life partners)! No more condoms woohoo! Have fun together and don't let H get in the way <3

Oops....my screen wouldn't scroll up so didn't see your name Sparklepony! Well you get two endearing names today :-)

I love your post chica...its the butterly effect :-) . You opened your wings and a couple of flutters has let you fly and has touched someone else...and will continue to in ways you won't even know. Yes it's paying forward...paying forward courage, honesty, compassion, truth and love. Keep being open and giving to others...its how life is meant to be lived and its only our fear that stops us. I'm sending hugs too :-) xx

Hi Devastated...so good you got up the courage to post because there are SOOOO many of us who have gone through the same thing...felt the same things and have come through the other side. I got HPV (cancerous kind) from my cheating husband when I was about the same age. I then got HSV2 from a partner who I knew had it and I took the risk. So I have experienced not having a choice and having one with contracting an STI. It's hard either way, for different reasons. Firstly, even though you are feeling it, you are NOT disgusting. It's a virus like chickenpox or measles....just a skin condition that millions of us have. It just happens that we contract it having sex...and most of us have that (or we wouldn't be here!) so it's not uncommon. It's just the stigma we apply to it that makes it feel disgusting. I felt the same as you for a while after my diagnosis...then I got sick of feeling like it and decided to be open about it. And you know what...I felt so much better. I decided to date and disclose just to see what it was like. I met guys I had feelings for and it was harder then, but they had so much respect for me being honest. I had a couple of lovers (not at the same time :-) ) who didn't worry about it...after we talked about it they understood other women who 'didn't' have it (more likely didn't know they had it) were more of a risk than me. The guys got tested and I was able to educate them. I had ups and downs dating with having Herpes (but I had ups and downs being single before I had it too...just for different reasons). But I realised early on its actually elpful because it lets you TRULY see a person when you disclose. When you are dating the other person seems amazing until they are challenged with our imperfections. This is when you see the real person..and believe what you see and hear. If it's something he doesn't want, believe him and don't beat yourself up about it. It is not a reflection of you. The thing is there are so many people out there who are ok with it...I was and my partner now is too. He doesn't even think about it. He wants to be with me and that is part of me, he thinks the risk is worth having me. That is the kind of guy you want...the one who holds you and says it doesn't matter when you tell him. This guy isn't that guy and he has saved you alot more heartache...there will be other things down the track that 'he definitely doesn't want' and this is the way he will handle it. What if you had an accident that left you incapacitated, or you got cancer (these things happen in relationships)...Herpes is peanuts compared to that so would you feel trustful that he would be there for you with these? I think of Herpes as an insurance policy...we know whether the guy or girl is a keeper from their reaction to us disclosing. Have faith hon...there are awesome men out there and when the time is right you will find yours :-) Big hug. xx

Gosh...while I was writing this I thought about if I was doing ok. In terms of herpes I am...that doesn't mean I never think about it, or that it hasn't altered my life, or that I am totally happy with that...but I am ok in spite of all that. Herpes has taken a back step in my life for something else that impacts on it way more... I had an injury to my foot over a year ago and it didn't heal....it got worse and finally tests showed I have osteoarthritis all through the big toe joints (from years of dancing in high heels). I have bones grinding together whenever I take a step. It has meant I have had to stop dancing, power walking, Tai Chi..and I have had to seriously adapt my life around this...to deal with pain every day. I'm not telling you this to complain...just to show you that I am having to apply all I have learned through life to manage this and be happy in spite of it. It took me back to square one and I am working on it every day to stay positive and feel happy. It's something that won't go away...I feel old sometimes when the pain is bad. And yet I don't want to give up my spirit... So I focus on inspiring other people, doing the things I can do, trying new things(I have my eye on a kayak..I only have to sit in that!!). It's same stuff, just a different challenge.. xx

Hey it's because we have been there...we know what its like and we know what it takes to learn to overcome those feelings. And being sympathetic and just going 'poor you' does nothing to help you heal or grow. I am glad you keep reading our posts...keep reading and keep practicing what we have suggested. You only get results by practically doing something...hope you are working on some of the things I talked about. Big hug..hope you are feeling a little better :-) x

Hi again... am right alongside Dancer supporting you with this struggle of yours. You know the trouble with life is that yes we will get hurt, and over and over again. The other problem is we change...its inevitable and every moment we are never the person we were before. And when we are side swiped with a biggy the universe kicks us fair in the arse to change. Here's where you are struggling... " I want to change...i want to be the person i was.' Bit of a contradiction when you read it huh? You are stuck...and I know it sucks. The thing is only you can unstick yourself and make the changes. Being depressed about it doesn't change anything, you just stay being depressed. And having thoughts all the time about how disgusting and gross herpes is (it's not great I know but you can change the language and it'll change your thoughts...that will change your feelings and then you won't be depressed...that's the natural law of things!) just give you more of it. Remember, what you think about expands! As for the ex...he was just a con and it has nothing to do with you having Herpes. He has just been a mirror for you, reflecting back your thoughts about it. I met a guy who was also H+ the week after I was diagnosed (one of those chance encounters). We started dating and I thought he was the one...only he did the same to me as your ex did to you. It had nothing to do with Herpes..he was just an immature man. I ended it with him after three months...and he had asked me to marry him in that time. I was devastated but picked myself up and wasn't going to let an arse of a man make my life miserable. I know how debilitating it can be...so be debilitated for a short time and then let it go. You will never be as debilitated again...you get wiser and better at recognising red flags. You take things slower..you work on enjoying being single and independent so you don't rely on having a man. Dance is right...you are afraid of getting back out there. Nothing unusual about that...I freaked out about it too. But I knew I had to change my thoughts...I did the work (yes going to the gym...eating super well...did new things I wanted to try...changed my negative thoughts...). There is no other way to do it if you want to be happy. You have to commit to it, even when you don't feel like it...actually you have to commit more when you don't feel like it. You have to get training...re training you brain. That's all it takes. There are no excuses hon, either you want to do it or you choose not to. It's that simple. We all know what you are going through..you aren't alone in this even though you think you are. We have all got Herpes...we have all gone through the same stuff...its just Dancer and I and lots of other have learned what it takes to come out the other side. And it works...and you can do it too if you want to. xx

Hi Ashley...WCS Dancer is right...and you know she is...you have to shut the door on this guy. I'ts great you have got some support now to do that. And yes use technology to make contact with friends again..you don't have to be close to them to make that connection. I moved away to another part of the country and its awesome to keep in contact all the time with my long term friends. I haven't made any close friendships here yet so that contact is so important. And always remember that people who tell ex's they want to be with them more than the current person they are with are just plain egotistical and deceitful. You don't need that. I know what its like...my ex did the same, for years, only I didn't buy into it. I stopped all contact (hard because we have kids together) and what a relief! His behaviour is not about you, he will be like it with any woman. Now is the time to learn and increase your self esteem so you don't attract guys like that. The journey won't be as long as you think and it really is worth taking. Use all the support you can and know you are worth it :-) x

I'm sending you tons of hugs... I totally get your struggle. I done the whole on my own thing (was 8 years for me). I went for 5 and half years without even looking at another man..and that was before I got Herpes..it took me that long to heal from leaving my marriage. Now I know I am going to sound like a bloody (such good work that ;-) - I'm a kiwi) broken record and you may roll your eyes at me BUT herpes is only a trigger. It's not the cause of your feelings, your thoughts about it are. When things are going smoothly with only a few hitches in life we have no idea what fears and negative thought patterns lie underneath. Then something cuts us to the core and the shadow side of us comes out into the light. We think what we are going through has suddenly made us anxious and depressed...but it just exposes parts of us we didn't know. If it wasn't herpes it would be something else...life throws us stuff to learn and grow. In the times of my life where I have thought I have it sussed WHAM...it reminds me that I don't. I don't get kicked in the arse by it so much anymore...I think because I have worked through so much and know and trust the process I need to work through to find balance and peace again. You know how I said what you think about expands? "It's never ending and I've got it for life. It's gross...its disgusting....I hate my own genitals..." Those thoughts expanding will give you two weeks of blisters and more. And believe me I know what that's like - my first episode dragged on for seven months almost non stop. I had to change all those exact same thoughts (which I hid under a fake smile and I'm ok mask) ...when I did change them, miraculously my body settled down and H finally decided to sleep. I use the same techniques when I have episodes now and they are short and annoying at the most. Isn't it worth trying something that has worked for others (and I'm not talking just about Herpes - positive thoughts are the cornerstone of ALL successful people, whatever their success may be). Thoughts may be invisible but they are like wind and radio signals...you can't see them but they are powerful energies. "Trust me, i know me, no internal positive thoughts are going to bring me happiness and contentment and fulfillment.....no way." Why no way? And you only know who you are now...not who you can be in the future. And trust me...the only way to have happiness, contentment and fulfillment is to learn to harness good thoughts. Life will throw us all sorts of hard stuff, only we can control how we deal with it. I'm not a Pollyanna..although you are probably thinking that. And I am probably pissing you off too...if I am that's good because I am challenging the way you see yourself...and you are way bigger than where you are stuck now. You CAN expect someone to be ok with you having Herpes...I was ok with it, my partner now is ok with it...my lovers before him were too. Millions of others are too...they just can't find you until you get unstuck. Ok - more hugs coming your way. I'm just gonna keep sending them :-) xxx

Hey we are all here to support each other and it is a privilege to be able to do that for you...I had the support when I needed it too and so appreciated it. Ok...the traits were there...there just wasn't something huge enough to expose them. If they weren't there in the first place they couldn't surface. And yes H is making you look deeper than you have ever gone before...it happens to great people. The whole thinking positive thing is like lifting weights or training for a big game, race...whatever. You have to train every day, think about it all the time and think about winning or reaching the goal..really feeling like you are there and have succeeded. healing your mind and heart with H is no different. Its and ongoing process and commitment to yourself to heal. I learned how to do apply myself like that when I was 23 with a new premmie baby and I got sick and was given 6 months to life. It's a bloody good incentive to try it. I decided I wanted to heal and feel good again and I was prepared to change everything, including my fearful and negative thoughts (and its bloody scary being told you are going to die). I worked on changing every negative thought into a positive one. I started a gratitude journal (couldn't find much to start with but I learned to look for more). I spent about 10 minutes when I woke up and again when i went to sleep imagining how it would feel to be well again, to be seeing my baby get married one day and feeling happy, to be doing things I loved. It's that kind of commitment, and a lot of the time I felt like it wasn't doing anything..but I persisted...it taught me about faith. Again you have spoken your own truth... "I do think postively sometimes...but it creeps in. H reminds me that i can feel ok...but its there to ruin my next ecperience of meeting someone. Anxiety about anxiety is my core problem." He isn't there to ruin anything, its just there, like it is for millions of us. The only thing we can change, and that can heal us and bring us happiness, is our own thoughts. Thoughts are energy and they create....what you think about expands. So when those negative thoughts creep in (and that you are aware of them is a good thing!), find a positive thought to exchange it with. Create a positive thought, its hard to start with but you get better at it. It's your thoughts that create anxiety, and your thoughts can create happiness too...H or no H. Your aim is to get more positive thoughts for more of the time..that's all. When I got HPV and then Herpes I started going down the negative unworthy road..but the skills I Learned when I was dying came back to me. I started all over again doing the same stuff to heal, it took a year or two but it has worked. Now I feel healthy again (I have learned to think of H as sleeping, and I do things to keep it asleep). I eat well, have worked hard to have a job I love, I do things I love and be around people who are good for me, I find ways to contribute to the world so I have a sense of purpose bigger than me. And most of all have build amazing friendships...and the level of intimacy with them is awesome - they all know I have Herpes and have been supportive and it has made our connection deeper. men come and go through your life but friends are around for a lot longer. Once I did all this I met my special man. I have been living with him for a almost a year now, and he doesn't even think of me having Herpes. If he gets it from me...I don't know how I will feel, gutted most likely. But I also know he has knowingly taken this risk so I don't feel and overwhelming responsibility about it anymore. I took the same risk with the man I contracted it from. It didn't work out with him but we are still friends...and he has a lovely woman in his life now too. Because I am now ok with having Herpes and HPV (doesn't mean I like having them, they are just a part of my life now and not a big part) I know my man will be ok too. It would make it easier if we both had it but he doesn't so we work around it. Sweetie we don't know what is going to happen and situations reveal us. It's what we do then that makes us. This situation is revealing you, peeling back layers and taking you to the deepest part of yourself..now its up to you what you choose to do with it. You can stay thinking these thoughts, and stay where you are. Or...you can choose another way. Yes read the Secret...read Louise Hay, Depak Chopra, Dr Wayne Dyer...so many amazing people to guide you. You just have to do some work and I know you are able to do it...if I can anyone can! Another Hug :-) x

I feel for you hon...all that undeserving and unlovable crap having its grip on you. And you are being so honest with yourself...that's a painful process to go through and H throws you right in it. I don't know if you really see the truths that you are speaking... "H has in some way made me look too deep... if that makes sense...its made me realise how ive been treated and it hurts alot." "i was covering up the traits i have now...over sensitive, no self esteem..a worrier" Yes you literally were covering these things...they were already there before H only nothing in your life was big enough to uncover them for you to work on. Now you can see them and work on them. I think they have been buried from your traumatic past experience. I was attacked by four young men when I was 11, I got away but it haunted me for a long time. As painful as it is right now H is probably bringing stuff up for you to heal. And you can't heal it if it doesn't come out...feeling desperate like you are means you are wanting to let it go. And yes get some help, we all need help and guidance and support at times like this. It gets too big in our head to do it alone. I am so glad you reached out on here. You CAN heal...and I am sending you so much healing energy right now. Your thoughts are your biggest enemy and they aren't real, and can be changed. I'm not saying this just to make you feel better..I'm talking from experience. And it is actually easier to stay with the negative depreciating and dark thoughts than do the work to replace them with positive healing ones...and we are the only ones who can do this. And we have to do it every moment of every day. If I said that I could guarantee you healing and the things you want in life if you did that, would you do it? Would you take that leap of faith and practice it all the time, even when you could see no change...believing that it will change if you keep at it? I have been through a lot of really difficult stuff through my life and know that feeling of thinking I cannot change how I feel and being stuck. But I learned to overcome EVERYTHING with perseverance, getting help when I couldn't do it alone, imagining what I wanted, being thankful everyday for the good things in my life (doing that alone makes those things grow!). It sounds so disgustingly simple (and you are probably thinking 'what a load of shit") and it actually is simple...but you don't 'get it' until you practice it unfailingly though a lot of time where you don't 'get it' but do it anyway. I wish I could spend a day with you just hanging out and talking and connecting. But seeing I can't I will keep sending you good thoughts and healing energy every day. And I am sending you the biggest hug. xx