lelani

Oh you poor love...I know how it feels to be judged by your children. And we are also only as happy as our unhappiest child...that's the struggle of motherhood. I have wonderful relationships with all my kids but they have had their trials along the way too. I made a decision to tell them about my herpes and HPV - very hard to do as their father passed the HPV to me when he was unfaithful. They all reacted differently and didn't really want to talk about it. I felt judged by my son and oldest daughter even though they didn't really say anything negative. My youngest came to me not long after I told them and her partner had been diagnosed with HPV...I was able to support them both and it bought us really close together. I made a decision not to come out to everyone. I told close friends and family, men I dated and that's it. My family is very well known in our home city, and we are known nationally from a TV show we were in. It would be difficult for my children if I made it public, so I don't. Whether this reinforces the stigma...I don't care. I just didn't want to put my kids in a difficult position through something that was personal to me. Kids get embarrassed and don't want to think of their mothers having sex let alone having and STI. And each child is different, what works for one doesn't work for another. Your Jess may need to grow up some more, may not be able to cope with your amazing honesty and wisdom (she could feel intimidated and inadequate in the face of it). I have a Jess too and when she was younger our relationship was a huge challenge...now she is in her mid 20's she is amazing and we are very close. Hang in there WCSDancer...you can only be who you are and keep loving her. Sending you a hug because I know how hard it is when you feel you can't connect with your kids. x

I loved your post Noel...yes herpes has a way of screaming at us to let go of negative thoughts and attitudes towards ourselves. And somehow we tough try and hold onto them like we will never survive without them. And yet....they are the things that hold us back. I'm glad you have been able to work through this with Adrial...and are posting on here. The more of us who demonstrate that life is good with herpes when you work through your negative beliefs and thoughts, the more others will be inspired and motivated to work through the layers too. Stay positive and keep posting :-) x

Haha thought so...only because I have been there :-). Yes you can get small bumps that never turn into anything...that's what I get now, or just a red patch. I don't think it will turn into more now after a couple of months..just keep appreciating that its just red itchy patches :-) Annoying but manageable. As for your lip...I very much doubt its HSV2, its VERY rare to get it there. Unless you have had a lesion swabbed on your lip and its positive its most likely not. Maybe its a cold sore HSV1 or just a pimple. Don't worry about it :-). And unless you feel real pain and discomfort PUT THE MIRROR AWAY lol!! x

Hey it's early days yet and yes you may be having constant prodrome symptoms. I had an almost constant first episode for 5 months. Now almost two and a half years later they are once every few months..and I'm not sure if its an episode or not but just treat it that way. I remember the early days when I spent every moment I could checking out my lady bits lol - the mirror almost fused to my hand! I so know what you mean! But it does get better...just be patient and do all the right things to stay healthy. Focus on life and look at the symptoms as an annoyance that will pass rather than an illness that could get worse. I used to use an affirmation " My body is healing even when symptoms are present"...and "Every day in every way my body is strong and healthy"...I used to say them over and over again - my morning walks where affirmation time. I think they helped. Now I just 'oh yeah - this too shall pass :-) ". Your bodies will get the hang of this virus.. :-)

Hi JC :-) there's not much else I can say other than I agree with these wise women! Be your own best friend and really listen to your innerself - it's screaming at you in your post. My reaction to reading was RUUUUUNNNNN!!! Yes, why do you want to date this guy? I I'm not surprise you are mentally and emotionally exhausted either..the guy is a crazy maker. A relationship is supposed to nurture you, energize you and be a union where you feel safe and supported - I don't see any of that happening for you with this guy. You deserve more than this honey. Answer one question for yourself....How would I feel if he wasn't in my life? This may give you some insight as to why you are keeping him there..or give you the words that can help you move on...you need to move on. x

Thanks fitgirl :-) . We are out there aren't we :-)! There are millions of people just like us who accept brokenness in ourselves and others (I think we are all broken in one way or another...and its ok!). Taking the risk with Herpes means giving up romantic ideas of what sexuality is and what is 'normal' with expressing it. My man and I hate condoms so what do you do...? You get really good at oral and find other ways of enjoying each other! Massage, dance, even swimming together is really sensual and fun - we live by the sea so have 'swim dates' several times a week. And its ALL about honesty and courage...disclosing is brave and a sign of integrity. If someone reacts in a way that does not acknowledge that or appreciate it - no matter what their decision is in terms of being with you - then let them go with understanding and love. They know not what they do. And being with someone H- is the same. You have to be very aware of your body and be honest if you feel any signs you may be having an episode, no matter how small. I let him know if I feel ANYTHING suspicious going on with my body. He can then trust that I am being responsible and minimizing his risk. So parrotperson...get this guy out of your head. Fitgirl is right, there are so many people who are prepared to take the chance with the right person. Open yourself up to the opportunity to meet him :-) x

Hi honey...sending you a hug as I know this is a tough process to go through. I have done the online thing of meeting someone, and after a couple of years I did meet my someone. I learned a few things along the way... 1. Understand that online dating is a way of meeting someone, making a connection...and if you connect that is great. The thing is it is just a connection, not a relationship. Messaging, email and skyping are ways to learn more about the person but these forms of communication are limited. You can have feelings grow for someone when you don't actually know them. You can only 'know' a person by spending time with them, having good times and bad times together. Your feelings are part of a fantasy and its easy to let them grow when you want to be with someone. 2. When someone tells you, or shows you who they are...believe them. He has shown you he has issues and is not mature enough to see things from your point of view. You were totally right in how you went about things. We do not have to disclose until we are ready. You hadn't had sex with him. His reaction is about fear, ignorance and self centred...nothing wrong with that and doesn't make him horrible...it's just do you want a man who reacts like that? Will he change? I doubt it..and you will always wonder. It's when you tell someone special... and they hold you and tell you that you will both work through it. That you are more important than some virus and they love you...that's the kind of person who is your someone special. You may have to go through some frogs along they way - but he or she is out there. i was someone who was H- and thought my H+ boyfriend was more important that H itself. I contracted it from him. Now I am with someone who accepted it in me. His reaction told me he was a keeper and that I would be with a very special man. Don't settle for anything less hon... And when you are dating just focus on being friends first...keep hold of your heart and know that Herpes isn't a deal breaker when its the right person. Let go of this one with love and understanding and wish him well. In the meantime, do things you love, be with people you feel good around and make your life bigger than H :-) xx

I use it in organic coconut oil. Use about 15 drops per 1/4 cup of coconut oil. Just gently heat the coconut oil till it only just melts and add the tea tree oil - pour into a jar and seal. (I heat it in an old pot - don't microwave it). If the weather is hot the oil will be liquid anyway. You can slather it on all over and use it internally too. It soothes and heals really well. You can use it if you have a BV infection too and it works really well. Put it on morning and night and after bathing. Happy Slathering ;-)!

Hi Kate....oh dear you are going through the process of really seeing who you are with....and he's not pretty. I don't mean to sound flippant because I know how distressing it is. I agree with 'Mom' :-) and HtheHerp...any many that treats his woman like that isn't a man and doesn't deserve you. You need to surround yourself with supportive and loving people...this man is neither. You may not have realised this before...but you see the truth of people when the shit hits the fan like this. How he is behaving says nothing about you and everything about him. His behaviour and attitude will be making you feel bad, more that dealing with contracting Herpes. It takes a while to feel ok managing it in your life and what you are feeling is completely normal. Keep checking in with us all and know that you are beautiful and deserve respect and love. Don't think that they are better of without you...I think it is the other way around. xx

Yes I agree with WCSDancer..get a pap smear done :-). I got HPV about 25 years ago and it reappeared..in exactly the same spot, when I had my first Herpes episode 3 years ago. It had lain dormant for all that time! But they disappeared fairly quickly once my body got Herpes under control. So it can happen. As for your partner, he could have had the virus for years and no symptoms until now. :-)

There are so many people out there who will accept H as just being a part of you and not a deal breaker. I was one and am still friends with the guy I contracted it from..he recently has a new partner and I am really happy for him. When I was on my own I went on the 'no one will want me' roller coaster ride. Well now three years down the track I have been with the most amazing man for a year. And he accepts me too and never even thinks of H. I love how we can all share on here and how a thread of messages can twist and turn to include everyone. I want to try those f2c condoms!!! have been trying to order some but they aren't available in NZ - was going to cost me $57.00 for 3 ordering them online from the states or Australia. Expensive sex!

Hi there JC...glad you popped on to get some support. Now....stop worrying :-)...you may never contract it from this one time, the chances are you won't. And if you do...join the majority of the population. It's amazing you haven't caught it as a child. I don't have it (I have HSV2 and HPV) and I was with a man for 28 years who got cold sores regularly - I never contracted it orally or genitally. And we did a lot of kissing over that time! You don't have to do anything. If you have contracted it you may never have any symptoms. There is no preventative or cure so if you have contracted it there isn't anything to do. I know it feels scary....but really there is nothing to worry about. Relax and don't look out for symptoms that may never happen (we all know what that is like...bit like if you think you are pregnant and every little thing you feel in your body makes you believe you are!!). He may be ignorant about cold sores too so try not to be mad at him. If you continue to date him talk about it and avoid kissing if he feels any symptoms...and don't let him do any oral until you feel very trusting that he will be honest about symptoms and understands the implications of it for you. Take care :-)

Victoria he's a keeper :-) so happy for you :-) :-) :-)! And how wonderful to have your mum for support like that...I am so pleased I was able help my kids. I think we all need to be honest with our kids about life, about who we are. Adrial I am happy to be back, I've missed it too and you. Actually haven't really left..been chatting with a few people privately over that time...it's been awesome to give support and love to them :-) xx

You women are gorgeous! I haven't been on here for a while...found someone special and movedto another part of the country...getting into two new jobs over that time and dealing with an injury that's required a lot of rehab. Not complaining one bit...there hasn't been time to dwell on having my two H's, too busy living and creating a new life. I met him online and disclosed the first time we met. I had dated before that and no one rejected me..once I was past the 'no one is ever going to want me' phase I realised that if they had rejected me then Herpes was doing me a favour - yep it has been my wing man on a few occasions! I came out to friends and family and now anyone else when the conversation opens up for it. It was hardest telling my adult kids...but its helped them too (my daughters boyfriend was diagnosed with HPV last year and they came to me first for support and information - was pretty special :-) ). It's so nice to meet you both and I agree..there are some pretty ssupportive, smart and wonderful people on here. Wish I could meet you all in person :-).

I had mine all out at the same time too...and I couldn't stop crying and that was before getting H. It's really stressful on your body. Eat well, rest up and you will feel better soon. I used to wash my mouth out with warm salt water...good for healing and soothing. Hope you feel better soon. x

Hi Kathy....welcome :-). Yes this is a great place to be, and learn and feel you are accepted and not judged. Dancer is right...it does get better :-). I'm not on here as much now as I am so busy with life...gone are the days of feeling bad and being scared I would be alone forever. Two years ago I thought that...now I am with an amazing man, living somewhere else, have a great job - and H is just a small part of my life now. Keep lurking and sharing...do things you love with people you love. Eat healthily, exercise, keep changing your negative thoughts to positive ones and surround yourself with people you feel good with. And we might be strangers but we are all connected here and understand each other. I am so thankful for this forum..Adrial has created something amazing here :-) Sending you a hug and lots of good thoughts...you will be ok :-) xxx

Wow from me too! Oh god I remember that turmoil but I can tell you if you focus on yourself and really living...not in the context of a romantic relationship (and I think you are kind of in that glorious stage :-)!)... "I need to focus on me, I need to care about me, I need my life to not be about love any more. I want it to be about freedom, and passion and creativity, not constantly searching for love and validation. This is hard, of course, switching off that part of your brain that has been active for so long, but I truly believe that i will get there and it will be so freeing to not worry, to be happy with myself. " Yup ..we have to be happy with ourselves. And one of the gifts of H is that it makes us look at how we search for love and validation - its actually quite draining and when we loose it we feel lonely and isolated. Once we are free to love ourselves and express our passion and creativity JUST FOR US...we don't feel lonely and we don't choose the wrong people to love. Your life will be totally about love...for yourself...for your friends and family...for the things you love doing and how you love being. And you know what...the right person comes along then...we attract them..and they don't show up before then. How do I know? I've been there...I've done the work...I know how hard it is but now I also know the rewards. I have created a great life...with great friends and now I have an amazing man. He didn't turn up until I was over my pity party and learned to love myself and be happy being unattached. So use this time to create the life you want...the right person for you will be in amongst it :-) and H won't matter a bit :-)

OMG everyone should read this article...its totally true!!!!! I worked out along the H journey and it so can be a great Wingman. It helps you SEE the person...what they show you when you disclose...believe their response - it tells you everything about them. There are amazing people out there who don't run, don't judge and who see you more than a skin condition...I was one of them when I chose to be with my H+ partner (we broke up but are still friends)...and my honey I am living with now is one because he did the same for me. Don't settle for less - you may have to kiss a few frogs along the way - their rejection is your gain!

Welcome to the site :-). Yes accepting it takes time..for some shorter than others and you can also take a couple of steps backwards now and then. I took a 5 year break from a 25 year marriage before I started dating (didn't have H then)...loved the independence and the ability to cram so much into a day without having to compromise my time. Then I got H from someone I was dating (I chose to be with him after he told me he had H - and I had HPV). I met someone unexpectedly immediately after my diagnosis and when I told him he told me he had it too...we broke up shortly after as he hadn't gotten over his ex (H isn't the only reason we get rejected!). I didn't date again for a year as I wasn't ready and was struggling with H, even thought I thought I was being positive. Now I am with an amazing man who accepts all of me, H and all. I didn't want to settle for less and didn't meet him until I was ready. So enjoy a time of being unattached and develop your life, be who you want to be. Until that happens the right person won't appear...some may appear but they won't be the right ones. Use H as your guide to a keeper... :-)

Gosh it has been ages since I have posted messages and this new year has come and gone...another time of reflection. I have had Herpes for about three years now (I realise I can't remember...gone are the days of knowing how many weeks or months!). I also realise I am happy with having it...not that I have it but happy with the life I have created since contracting it. For the first couple of years I wasn't sure I could ever say that, despite my seemingly positive attitude. From being alone, and almost resigning myself to staying that way, I am now in a committed relationship with someone who is H-. I have moved to another part of the country to be with him, got a great job that has been challenging and now am starting a greater job I will love even more. Life has been busy, scary, exciting and full...and there seems to be less time these days to focus on Herpes episodes when they come up...where they used to be the biggest thing in my life now they are a minor inconvenience. I had a foot injury last March and that has been more painful, expensive and limiting that Herpes ever has been. It turns out that years of dancing have damaged my feet and arthritis is through the joints...This New Year I stayed home because I can't dance anymore and the thought of only being able to watch others dance was too sad. Herpes didn't stop me dancing...and over a year ago I decided I didn't want it to stop me dancing with life. And the things I have learned along the way with H? Rejection...That person is actually doing you a favour. Shame...is a good lesson in giving up judgement of EVERYTHING. Loneliness...gives us valuable time to cultivate solitude. Gratitude...if you express it every day good things keep coming to you. Love...Herpes peels back the layers of ourselves we don't want to see or feel, it transforms us and offers us an opportunity to shine above all of our negative and limiting beliefs of ourselves and life. So yes you can still dance with life if you have herpes...you are thrown on to the dancefloor not knowing what to do, feeling scared and inadequate. You learn small steps to get better...and you suck at them at the beginning but you practice and then feel more confident. You trip up but you pick yourself up and try again...slowly the trips get less and you enjoy the dance more. You accept looking silly or embarrassed and enjoy it anyway, you dance with more people (and get turned down sometimes) and one day you realise you dance easily and you want to try more complicated steps, and you know with practice you can do them (and that the people who turn you down for a dance aren't worth dancing with anyway!). And then when you dance with people who aren't quite as experienced as you...you help them, teach them and make sure they enjoy the dance with you. Yep getting Herpes is like learning to dance...only the steps build your character so you can dance with life more freely and happily. I wish you all a wonderful year of learning and dancing with life...Herpes might be a challenging partner but one I am grateful for...it has brought me wonderful people, made me a better person and allowed me to be a light for others. Big hugs for 2014. xx

I love your ranting and raving Nic :-) - yes it is about choosing. I learned to choose too - if I was going to be rejected I chose to not be with that person either - they have shown themselves to be someone I don't want in my life if they think H is deal breaker. So in the situation we both choose to not be with each other - for different reasons. I look at it that H is my insurance policy to find the best person and I might have to choose not to be with a few 'rejectors' along the way - but it is my choice as much as theirs and it eliminates people who aren't good for me, which is a good thing...so thank you Herpes! And I am writing this during an episode that has included a BVI as well (funny how the two go together so easily!) BUT I am with an amazing man who just hugged me and looked after me and understood how I am feeling. There are wonderful people out there who are worth going through rejections for. And H was the decider for him that he wanted to be with me, because I told him about it he was blown away by my integrity and honesty, and my respect for him with telling him. H was the decider for me too because in telling him he showed me who he is...and I was blown away by his integrity and honesty and had total respect for him too. Rejection hurts for a while but a life time of being with someone who isn't good for you hurts more. x

I just love your posts Carlos...I wish I lived near you so we could hang out at talk about all this stuff. I get you and understand totally what you are saying. Herpes is a stripper ;-)! It has stripped me of negative thoughts about myself, of those cloudy layers that make it seem like its all about me and my condition if someone rejects me if I disclose. I had to get really clear about what I wanted in a partner before one appeared (took me 7 years and only in the last two did I have herpes!). I am now with a real man who knows how to love, how to live and lives with integrity. It took me that long to find him and getting Herpes has actually been a gift helping me to know what I really wanted..and what I didn't. Before that I wasn't clear. I love your line that "relationship is the place where one goes to give, not take". That is so true - I treat disclosure that same way...in being honest and having integrity you not only give the other person these gifts - you give them to yourself. I am sending you the biggest hug...you are a beautiful man. :-) xxx

Hi Katie..please please please share your story!!! x

Beautiful...totally true and at my age (53) I have had to let go of a few people - looking back it has ALWAYS led me somewhere higher and to people who helped me grow more. Rejection is just a transition to something higher :-) x

Hi again Jess...I'm sending you a bigger hug. I know those feelings of doubt and worrying about how other people will handle your disclosure. They come from our own doubt and fear and not accepting ourselves...other people's reactions are are mirror. When you are stronger within yourself the way you disclose changes and their reaction is less important. And to get stronger you have to practice stuff - every time you tell someone you get stronger. I look at it now that I am educating people and reducing the stigma when I tell someone - it makes me feel stronger in myself that I am helping someone, and in turn I am helping myself. People who don't have HPV are the minority. And most people don't know they have it. That's what I tell people - unless women have been tested there is NO way to know and unless men have sypmtoms they will never know. And it is worth getting tested...a small number of HPV strains are cancer causing. I had one and have always got tested regularly. I had many years of abnormal cervical smears from having HPV...potentially this could have turned into cancer but I was able to monitor it with my doctor. I told my kids which was hard ( I was quite sick with my first Herpes episode -and the HPV resurfaced with it after about 12 years of being dormant). They each had different reactions and judgments. But then one of their partners was diagnosed with HPV they came to me for support and advice. My disclosure helped them down the track - I'm glad I had the courage initially to tell them. These viruses don't define you but they can redefine you...giving you more courage and compassion, help you make stronger connections with people and they push you to live with honesty and integrity. These are really gifts that the H's give...we just have to unwrap ourselves to find them. Be strong and be kind to yourself jess. I continue to send you good thoughts. xxx