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lelani

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Everything posted by lelani

  1. Oh dear...yes lies have a way of catching up on us and making us feel like shit (we think they will protect us and/or the other person but they don't) . So I am assuming the lie was about contracting it from your ex??? What is the truth?...I am a bit confused. Basically if you want to be in a loving and successful relationship there is no room for dishonesty. He will be feeling very betrayed and rightly so...your withholding of this information risks his health and makes him think that he can't trust you. He may still love you but be prepared to let him go...loving someone and trusting someone should go together but in this case that is not what is happening for him...he needs to be able to trust you. If he doesn't have trust with you then why would he want to be with you? I may sound harsh but trust is the cornerstone of a relationship, it you don't have it there is no relationship - hence the break up. You need to give him space and time...kahlil Gibran sums this up "If you love something set it free. If it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't it never was". My advice...stop lying, graciously understand his feelings and accept the consequences of your lies. You have to be honest from now on if you don't want to facing the same dilemma again with him or anyone. It's scary telling someone, believe me I know! I am with someone who doesn't have Herpes and he loved me more for my honesty and courage in telling him. I wish you well...we all make mistakes and they are often painful..please learn from this one.
  2. Honey I have cried too and more than once and yes its ok. And yes take care of yourself and yes you are stronger than you think :-). So lovely to know you are feeling better - you always have us for support here :-) x
  3. I'm so glad you reached out here and had a good vent...we all need that when we are wrestling with so many thoughts and feelings. I remember this time like it was yesterday...18 months ago. I can promise you that you will not feel like you do now...someone we think that because we have this virus we will feel like this for as long as we have it - NOT TRUE!!!! Like Adrial says, you are processing it all and this takes time and a lot of emotional work. You don't feel well so your thoughts are darker anyway and there is so much to learn... you are not selfish in the slightest..you are doing what most of us have done and feeling what we have felt. You aren't alone. Take a deep breath...know that "you are still lovable/fuckable/pretty/cute". Now is the time to start working on believing it...you had doubts before Herpes so its not new. We all have these doubts and its a journey to dispel them. It a journey that takes effort and yes you are vulnerable sometimes, sometimes you feel powerful, sometimes you want to hide and other times you want to shout from the rooftops. How you feel now will change and grow. As for sex...I am with a non Herpes partner and its not horrible, it's wonderful. Yes we use condoms - that could be hassle but we are making it a game. He is totally supportive and we work on it together. Herpes has brought a sweet intimacy, we have to talk and check in with each other's feelings...it has actually been a plus. And I know, because of H, he truly loves me - that is the most amazing feeling and I love and respect him too because he has shown me what an amazing man he is. When you talk to your boyfriend don't worry about doing it 'right'..just have the intention of loving him and having integrity. The fact you are thinking about it and caring about it says everything about what a good person you are. You cannot control his reaction but I have found if my intention is right the outcome is good (even if I have cried and not quite got it right!). I am sending huge hugs and good thougts. Keep us posted and know we are with you in spirit :-) xx
  4. This is beautiful zebrafish..full of honesty, vulnerability, courage and love. These are the gifts herpes can give if you let it...if you open up and care and love others while you are going through stuff yourself. There is no guilt...and it will take time and reassurance for your boyfriend to really know that. Let him read this if you want to...I got it from my boyfriend at the time and I felt and now still feel no anger or resentment. It just happens and while it is scary to start it becomes part of your life, annoying, sometimes challenging, but just part of it and on the scale of things a small part. I want to give you both a hug and let you know you are ok...you are both so much more than a skin condition :-) love each other and let any guilt go. Be thankful every day that you have each other and good people in your life who love and support you :-)
  5. Brighteyes you shine so bright...I just love this and am sooooo happy for you. I am right now doing the same thing...moving to another part of the country to be with an exceptional man who thinks Herpes doesn't make a lick of difference - he loves me. Exceptional people are worth exploring a future with :-). I agree with not limiting yourself online and being honest from the outset saves a whole lot of drama! I couldn't be that out there in my country as I am very well known and I didn't want my personal stuff to affect my kids. But I am always honest from the outset with anyone I have dated and with people who know and love me, including my kids. My friends all laugh at how out there I am. But it educates people, helps destroy the stigma and personally it gives me power - it's not always easy but soooo worth it! I hope you go for it with this man, you have history, he has been there for you and he obviously loves you. Life is too short to not try. Sending you good decision making thoughts. xxxxxx
  6. Big hug to you Domh..it sucks when you feel like that but you not only cried with the show - you laughed with it too! It just triggered off stuff for you to heal. Your ex discarding you is what made you cry...the show was just a trigger to show you what you need to heal...and crying is a great release. Next time a joke causes some pain...just go with it like you did and release it. Its teaching you what you need to heal. People love you and will continue to love you...Herpes isn't going to stop that. And believe me...its a great insurance policy to avoid guys like your ex! Having it can make you more courageous and vulnerable, more aware of the goodness in a man and give you the conviction not to settle for less. So yes its a new day and smile through it...Herpes is only a small part of who you are :-) xx
  7. Happy Birthday gorgeous man...you are a gift to everyone here and have been such a gift to me. Have another amazing year, I know you will continue to make a difference in the world and the world is better for you being in it :-) Biggest hug xxxxxx
  8. Ok..update :-). I am moving to be with my honey! Had the job interview and it went well but you don't know until you get that call... But job or no job I am moving. We just had another 5 days together climbing mountains, cycling the countryside and meeting his family. We decided we want to be together permanently and I want to move to his beautiful town. We are both so excited to start a life together. Six months ago I thought I would be alone forever...how wrong I was. And Herpes has brought me the most amazing man...I wouldn't have met him if I didn't have H as it shaped the decisions I have made over the last year or so to get where I am now. So it has been a gift, not without it's challenges, but an amazing gift for what I have received from working through the challenges. So stay hopeful and work on expanding who you are :-) xx
  9. Awesome Atlantic...I have just had the same and we are moving in together. We had our first kiss after I disclosed to him... and that's when he said he fell in love with me. It was my honesty and courage that sealed the deal for him. And I was shaking and scared too but had to tell him because of the distance thing. Herpes has a way of showing you the real person and if they are worthy of your love :-). Sending you lots of good energy Atlantic. xx
  10. I feel for you...I can remember those early days and having the same question, feeling alone and judging myself (didn't have to worry about anyone else doing it - I was doing a great job myself!). Now 18 months down the track I am in a totally different space....its been a rocky road but one of learning and an amazing one of self acceptance and love. This lovely group of people helped me too. We aren't alone..all of us here are going through the same thing, at different stages. I have helped and been helped and its a great community. I thought I would not be able to tell anyone about it and thought I would be alone for ever. I was wrong on both accounts...I have told many people now and no one thought I was disgusting - the opposite actually, that I was brave and inspirational! And as for being alone...I met the love of my life three months ago and we are moving in together in a month. He accepted my herpes just as I accepted it in my last partner. So trust that how you feel now will pass and there are so many good people out there who see past herpes like Atlantic and I did (big hug :-) ). Just work on being the best person you can be! A big hug for you too :-) x
  11. Awesome post stubborn...I can tell that you are gorgeously stubborn and loving life. I just gave a speech at my daughters wedding on the weekend and it was about being thankful I was actually there. When I gave birth to her 30 years ago I was given 6 months to live and in that time I wrote my speeches for her graduation, wedding, births of her children...every milestone I could think of - because I wouldn't be there for her. I practiced how I would say each one as if I was there so I felt like I would be. That's a biggy to be dealing with at 23yrs old and I would have traded that for herpes anytime. When I did get HPV and then later herpes...I was devastated with both and had to go through the process of dealing with it. I realised that it was my fear of being rejected and alone forever that the viruses triggered - so had to deal with that. I have to say though there was no stigma to being so ill and facing death as compared to having an STI - totally crazy!!! So I learned and grew some more and have gone about setting an example, living with integrity and creating great experiences. And that has led me to an amazing man I never thought I would meet. But it's not about meeting someone, its about meeting yourself and loving yourself. Great post...xxxx
  12. HI Sister...I'm with Adrial and Learningasigo - just curious as to your choices. Herpes is only one STI you can contract and if you want to sexually independent I am wondering why you don't protect yourself by being well informed and practising safe sex. You are worth more than that. And not being a good liar and never lying...? Every time you don't disclose you are withholding the truth...and putting someone else's health at risk without their consent. It will come back and bite you at some point...life has a way of doing that. You are disrespecting the person you are being intimate with and disrespecting yourself...there will always be a price to pay for that. Being a free spirit and independent is actually about living authentically and with integrity. Your idea of it seems to be just irresponsible sex with whoever you like, whenever you like - that's not being a free spirit, its just about having a lot of sex. And actually we 'positives' don't have carry the weight of the world on our shoulders...we just have to care, about ourselves and those we are intimate with. Because without that it's just a meaningless shag and that's sad because with disclosing and being honest sex can be sooooo much more, whether it's casual or within a relationship. I'm not sure what you expected us to answer....I hope what we are sharing is helpful because I sense that maybe you want to make different choices - or you wouldn't have posted. Take care...of yourself and your lovers.
  13. Your mom's a wise woman. It's true! I thought I would be alone forever and now 18months after my diagnosis I am with someone special and we are planning our future. There are so many blessings that can come after your diagnosis and it all starts with creating them. I haven't had a bad experience telling anyone (and i have told a few now!). Telling my kids was the hardest...but I want them to be informed too. They were great too. It's all how you tell and how you feel about it...people are just your mirror. Don't let it bring you down, but when it does work on getting into a better head space. I struggled at first and it was one step forward and two back.. had a few dark times but they got less as time went on. And now I am so happy...my man accepts me totally and thinks any risk of getting herpes is nothing compared to having me in his life. So take care of yourself and be so fabulous that when you tell someone you want to be with...their reaction will tell you if they are as fabulous as you. If they aren't then move on...there are people out there like me (I chose to be with someone with herpes)...and my man (he doesn't have it) who love so big that they accept that herpes is part of the package and love you knowing this. :-) xx
  14. Hi Cupcake...maybe its time to review your beliefs about what God is for you. If God is love then punishment and shame is not part of that. H is just a virus like a cold...there is no shame and praying doesn't give you any more protection that if you don't. And while you feel like you are being punished...that comes from you and not God. While it is hard having H sometimes, there is also amazing personal a spiritual growth that can come from it...if you choose that. And if, as the bible says, God is within you then bring that out..work on being loving, kind, open and thankful with H. This is life changing and it can be so much for the better. As for the friends who pray and sleep around and don't have it...don't you believe it. They just haven't been tested and don't know, just like the guy you got it from. 80% of people don't know they have it. The fact you do means you can practice honesty, integrity and build your character so you shine :-). x
  15. Oh honey...a big hug for you...its so hard when you feel betrayed. You have been hurt and you are protecting yourself from it happening again. Trouble is life is life and we get hurt more than once...and just because people are family it doesn't mean they are any better people than those we don't know. Maybe you could look at it differently about people knowing....that it gives you an opportunity to shine. They might talk about you negatively but what could happen if you only react with grace and dignity, and take the opportunity to be bigger than H? That bubbly person is still there...you just have to consciously bring her out. We can all be bubbly and fun when things are great...its when they are dark and challenging that we get to prove it :-). H has a way of challenging us to do just this. When you tell anyone if your intention is because you care enough about them to be honest and act with character...you shine. Their reaction tells you all about them...are they kind and understanding, compassionate and caring...or are they judgmental and uncaring. And how they react tells you whether they are good for you or not...if they are keep them if not..let them go with thanks! You are not a horrible person...and you have to learn to believe that. If you are then so are all of us! You will find yourself...it takes time and practice. Work on being the best you can be...exercise, eat well, be with people you feel good about, do stuff you love...its about creating a life. H is only a skin condition....and believe me I have had the dark times too but I decided I didn't want to stay there, I wanted to enjoy life and make a difference. You can make a difference too. Hold your head up and smile, you are worthy and you aren't alone. So glad you posted here, keep posting and asking for support if you need it. We are here for you :-) and we know how you feel. x
  16. Yaaaaaayyyyyyyy! I am so excited for you! And twice...?1 Lucky you ;-) and you enjoy every minute! You deserve it and I am so happy for you. xx
  17. Thank you so much free2be! Everytime someone like you connects here the courage ab a beauty expands...we really are connected in spirit! So glad are in a higher place now...I will be sending you good vibes for an amazing relationship. I found one at the beginning of this year and it was when I was ready and no sooner...we have to do the work aye?! I am moving in with him in the next few weeks and the universe has designed things for this to happen in ways I never imagined! The biggest hug from me! xx
  18. I'm so glad you all feel uplifted...I love that this is what this site is about. I have been through the dark times and worked on myself so much, to be bigger than H. And now the universe is leading me right to this man...on the weekend we talked more about a future together and how we would let it unfold - the next day I lost my job, applied for one in his town that came up the very same day. The following day they emailed me for an interview ...and if I get the job (huge chance I will) and I could be moving to be with him in 6 weeks! We are so excited, and scared and amazed at how things are happening to bring us together. We never know what is around the corner..so many people said that to me in my dark times when I thought I would be alone forever. But it's true...and until that moment the best thing to do is love yourself and practice being the best you can be. Yes stay open and positive and create the life you want for yourself...get into those affirmations and act on them! I wish you all light and love too and massive hugs to you all :-) xxx
  19. The biggest hug froggygurl and I agree...I chose to be with someone with H because se was specia, l and I contracted it from him. Now I am with a man who has done the same with me...he feels so lucky to have found me and to him H is just a small part of the package that is me. He always makes me feel beautiful and accepted. We are out there, both men and women, who see past H and love the person. Thanks for posting....I loved hearing it from the other side too... and I've now been on both :-) x
  20. Love it Brighteyes! You are funny, honest, open and I think its a great profile - it will sift out the riff raff and save you a lot of hassle! I think its awesome and great you posted it here...loved reading it, it made me smile and think what a cool woman you are - I think guys will see the same thing :)
  21. Yes yes yes I totally understand hon. We all have these fears....and I have learned if he is a great man then you telling him will bring you closer. I have disclosed to a few and have never been rejected..some were easier than others (although never totally) and the last one was the most scary because he mattered to me the most. But he proved he is a great man...accepted me, took responsibility to find out about H on his own so it wasn't such a burden for me - and told me that H is a small part of the package that is me and he thinks I am amazing. That is the kind of great man you want...anything less is not the man for you. H is giving you the opportunity to be greater...by being brave while feeling vulnerable (and there is beauty and goodness in that), being bigger than your fears. I can understand you feeling like this with having a rough first year - I did too..now 18 months later I rarely get an episode. I didn't take suppressive medication until a short time ago and then stopped as I wasn't in a relationship - just started again as I am now in one. We are moving in together and I want to minimise the risk for him. Taking has not made any difference to the frequency of episodes...it just helps me know I am reducing the risk. Sex is wonderful with us and we are just more creative! So get your life healthy in every way. Treat yourself well, eat well, get into shape with excercise, be with people who make you feel good about yourself and ditch the rest, find things you LOVE doing and give up anger and resentment. No pills can replace doing all those things and these will help you heal and feel fabulous. And honey don't limit yourself to only men who have H...there are so many good men who don't and will love you for you. x
  22. Well, this is an update on my new man...the one I thought I would never meet, herpes or no herpes. It's a long distance thing...something I said I would never do again and I put him off to start with for that reason. But I decided that meeting halfway between for a couple of days of dancing in my favourite city was a great idea...no pressure on either of us, just the chance to enjoy dancing with someone who loves it and is good at it. Well we clicked...I had to give the talk and our first kiss happened right after I told him, the day we were going home...I didn't want to go any further if he couldn't deal with herpes because I REALLY liked him! The rest of the day was so lovely...we talked about everything, it was like herpes opened the door to so much trust and intimacy. That was over a month ago and since then we have been in constant contact... had a five day camping holiday together and are talking about a future. He is so special and both of us feel lucky to have met each other. He did all his own research about herpes, even seeing his doctor - so he could be well informed and as responsible as me! We talk about herpes freely and openly and it has meant we have taken it slowly (and can you believe it, still haven't gone all the way - but it hasn't mattered because we have been gorgeously creative lol!). It has been like an old fashioned courtship, really sweet and based around friendship and respect. herpes has meant I have totally seen the good man he is...and that he adores me, all of me. A few months ago I couldn't imagine I would meet someone so special and so perfect for me, and I believed that herpes was severely limiting my chances. Now I know that was just my thoughts and not reality. I have come a long way since my diagnosis 18 months ago...from despair and sadness to getting stronger, slipping backwards a few times and then at this new year deciding that I was going to take control of my thoughts and beliefs. I had been on my own long enough! I did affirmations all the time "I now enjoy a loving and sexy relationship with the man who is perfect for me"..."I am now enjoying a deep connection with a man I respect and adore"...and "I am open and receptive to all the good and abundance in the universe". I imagined this happening (not easy sometimes when those old beliefs get in the way!). I went online for one month, if nothing happened then I would just get on with being alone and accept it. Lots of men contacted me but he was the only one who made an impression - but he lived 100's of miles away, so I put him off! We kept in contact because we had so much in common and were good like friends...then when we met I knew he was the one..and he did too. I am writing this so you know that all the limiting beliefs and thoughts about herpes are what hold us back...not herpes. Yeah it's hard to change those, but we can. It takes practice and dedication...bit like lifting weights, you only get stronger and see results by doing it regularly - for ages nothing seems to change and then voila it does and you feel strong and look fabulous. I worked on my developing my character, my body and my attitude so herpes would seem like a small price to pay to be with me. I am so glad I put the work in now! There are great people out there who want to love and be loved...whenever you feel despairing about this virus think about how you can rise above it so you are bigger than herpes...then bigger things happen. We are worthy of someone special...herpes has a way of showing you who is - and if they are not, keep working on being more fabulous because you never know when your fabulous person will come into your life. Sorry about the looooooong post but I have gone through all the tough stages of herpes and I want others to know that it isn't the end of your life...in lots of ways it is the beginning. It's how you choose to use herpes in your life and whether you want it to control you or not. To everyone who is feeling sad about herpes...it gets better and there is SO much good stuff to come!!! xx
  23. Paradise Adrial is right...what you think about expands and the more you focus on what is wrong the more you get of it and the bigger it is. I like it that you have been finding things to be grateful for. I started a 'Dear Life Thank You' list when I was 23...I had been given 6 months to live and I had a brand new baby who would have no mother. I was terrified and had to find a way out of it, I didn't want my baby feeling that fear and I wanted to live. So I started a gratitude list every day - at first it was only a couple of things but I hung on to them. I kept going and forced myself to find 50 things a day - freaking hard!!! BUT I did, the smallest of things ---- now 30 years later I still do it, all day every day....and as for relationships... again I'm with Adrial (love you! :-) ) "And I say this with all sincerity from my personal experience: I have had more intimate, beautiful, passionate relationships since having herpes than before having herpes. Maybe it's that I have grown in life in general, but I believe a lot of this beautiful intimacy is because there is more depth, trust and authenticity in my relationships than ever before due to the vulnerability of having the herpes talk and really, deeply caring about my partners." Even though its been a rollercoaster, its been an adventure and its because of what Adrial wrote...my best relationships have been since I got H. Yep allow yourself those self pity moments ( I've had a few!) but work on building more moments of peaceful clarity. Glad you posted hon...I do know how you feel, and I know you can rise above it and shine like those stars :-) Big hug xx
  24. Sending you good thoughts too Ajmj...Blessings is right - H is like a little insurance policy to get the best guy! Read up and be prepared, disclose knowing you have integrity and honesty and you care enough about him to share it with him. I haven't had a man reject me...but if I did then I know for certain he isn't the one for me (not being rejected over H doesn't mean it works out either...there are many other things that stop a relationship in its tracks!). Doesn't make it easier when the crunch comes but I don't look at it as rejection, rather their reaction is a barometer showing if they are one of the worthy few ;-). Yes be kind to him too...I chose to be with someone with H and needed to talk about what it would mean for me, for him etc. I have a new man now and gave him the same time, we have talked about it and haven't had sex yet - it's been so lovely to get to know each other, build up some awesome energy....and finally tomorrow is the night ;-). His reaction to H has told me all I need to know about him and he's a keeper. He says my honesty and understanding of him having to deal with it too made him think I'm one too :-). You can't control his reaction but you can offer integrity and honesty - the most important things any loving relationship :-). Take a deep breath and know that you have more good vibes coming your way for this and you aren't alone. xx PYes please let us know how you go??
  25. I knew you did too ;-) you just needed some support with acknowledging it. Honesty really is the key. Big hub butterfly. X
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