jojo

Thank you Peaceandlove,Peachyogurtisawesome, WCSDancer 2010 and Adrial for your support. I am coming on this site as often as I can. I have read the disclosure book. And the diagnosis book as well. I need to read them over and over again so that I become more comfortable with the facts. What stuck out to me and gave me the most hope in the disclosure booklet was: "The stigma associated with herpes is worse than the physical manifestation of the virus itself." I agree. Its really not affected my life physically. The fear of disclosing it to another person and the shame and guilt that follow from not disclosing, however, have. I am hopeful that I no longer have to live in that viscous cycle. Thank you guys.

Um, I'm sorry. I thought this was a support forum. I'm super PISSED right now so I'm not going to write anything else for now.

When I found out I had herpes I was 22 years old. I remember getting back into my car and thinking, well, what was I expecting? I slept with him without a condom. And I went skipping along to more drinking, occasionally accompanied by cocaine, and always looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm still not sure if I got it from A. or J. I never told J. because we didn't hang out after our initial romp. I told A. and he took it well and said he had it too. We had a sick, empty and draining "relationship" for a couple years and that was that. I just never thought about it. We went on with our dysfunction, sleeping with other people and each other as though nothing had happened. After I finally told A. to leave me alone I met R. a few months later. We had sex with a condom and I didn't tell him. We hung out almost everyday and things were going well. All except for the fact that I was keeping a secret from him that could potentially affect the rest of his life. Alcohol eased my conscience until I finally couldn’t take the guilt and I told him. I lied and said I just found out I had it and he was upset. He even cried. I remember thinking, what a pussy! I was angry. Why was he being so childish? Its just herpes. Take a pill and get over it. Of course I didn’t say this to him. I just stayed quiet because I had no idea what to say. I was in shock really. I couldn’t believe that it bothered him so much. We were 23 years old, where the hell had he been? But underneath the wave of accusatory thoughts was the steady truth. This is a big deal. It terrified me. It stung me. This guy was suddenly scared of my vagina. As if I wasn’t insecure enough, now I was dirty. I was “damaged goods”. After that night he became distant and I withdrew. I couldn’t handle the pain of rejection. He didn’t want my goodies. I panicked and broke up with him. I just partied and met potential soul mates every weekend until I met I. He lived 3 hours away and I met him while on vacation with a girlfriend. I was trying to live honestly so I didn’t sleep with him, just fooled around. He stayed in contact and came to visit me often. One time we got wasted and I slept with him without a condom and without telling him. The next night I told him, while we were both naked and ready to get it on, and he got upset. He went to the bathroom and I just started crying. I got on the phone with someone and was dramatic as usual, making it about my plight without ever considering my dishonesty. In the morning we talked and he decided he still wanted to see me. We dated for a year and used condoms while I took acyclovir. No outbreaks and as far as I knew he never got anything. We broke up; once again I sensed it was coming so I bailed first. Now it was back out to the open waters where I would have to disclose once again. How many guys was I going to be able to sleep with and then tell afterward? Apparently quite a few. And each time I got away with it I convinced myself that it was the last time and that I would do it right the next time. Fast-forward to today and I am still in the same cycle. I’m coming up on 6 years sober so the sexcapades have ceased but the disclosure is still difficult. I just stay away from sex because I don’t want to tell someone this vulnerable truth about me. What if they decide I’m not worth the risk? That’s devastating to a 30-year-old woman who feels like a 17-year-old girl whose self worth is wrapped up in the approval of men. I f*#@ed up again and that is why I am here. I realized after this last debacle that I am not in complete acceptance of this. I can’t even say it. HERPES! I’ve managed not to create wreckage by being honest and upfront with the guys I am seeing. So I barely see any guys. And when I do, the fear comes up and suddenly I don’t want to hang out anymore. I can’t just date someone casually and see where it goes anymore because I have to tell him. I tried it 4 years ago. I asked a guy if he wanted to just hook up and he said yes. Until I told him I had herpes. He decided not to hook up with me. After that I didn’t try it again. Then I dated someone and told him before sleeping with him and he was worried which I took as a rejection and walked away. These 2 incidents happened back-to-back making me anxious about ever disclosing again. Clearly I have not dealt with this in the best way. I just haven’t had sex in years. Well, up until last weekend. I’d been hanging out with a guy who I had known to be a flirt. He picked up on girls with ease so I didn’t trust him. He’s also 4 years younger so I figured he was out every night sleeping with 20 year olds. I liked him enough though and he wanted to hang out so I thought, what the hell. He’s cute. Why not? I went out a few times with him and decided he was bad news and just stopped talking to him. Then I ran into him a year later and we picked up where we left off. I wanted him bad and we went for a walk one night, stopped at a park and had sex. No condom! I hadn’t had sex in years and here I was having unprotected sex in a park! I went home feeling strange. I called up another guy to see if he wanted to hang out just to numb myself out from what just happened even though I was in pain because it had been such a long time. What was I thinking? I just panicked. I ended up coming to my senses and going to bed. The thought of herpes or pregnancy hadn’t even crossed my mind. I was more worried if he was going to ever call me again than I was about the fact that I had just had unprotected sex. It finally hit me one morning that I had to tell him. We had plans to hang out and I wanted to tell him before I saw him again, that way I could f*$# with a clear conscience. (Still wasn’t getting it). I figured he would be upset and get over it by Friday and all would be well. But I am here telling my humiliating story to anyone who has time to read this lengthy memoir because it did not go as planned. He was very kind and mature about the whole thing, which made me feel like an even bigger piece of shit. He thought he might have had it so he went to get tested. Turns out he is in the clear for now, phew, but he decided he didn’t want to see me anymore. I’m still hoping he will change his mind after awhile but either way I learned a lot from his reaction. He was very well educated on the subject himself because it was his second time dealing with this. The last girl he dated had herpes too and didn’t tell him until after. Ugh. I realized I try to tell the facts that minimize herpes. “I never gave it to anyone and I wasn’t having an outbreak and the chances of you getting something are close to none when I’m not having an outbreak.” He said, “There’s always a chance you can get it. A lot of people don’t even know they have it. I would have liked to be informed. If you would have told me before I would have worn a condom and at least known.” So now I’m going to seek out support in accepting that I have herpes so that I can inform potential partners in a way that I can be proud of regardless of the outcome. I got sober with the help of other people, now I need support to get through this too, which probably means not only checking in after shit hits the fan.

Thank you so much for your help. I actually decided I wasn't ready to date. I think I was going too fast with this guy. We hadn't had sex yet but there was "heavy petting". I couldn't handle him going on a date w/someone else so I just told him I wasn't ready to date. We didn't have the conversation. Thank God because he coldly responded "Okay. Bye." Sometimes I just want to sleep with the guy but having herpes makes it impossible to have casual relationships. I cant just disclose this to anyone. It turns out to be a blessing.

Hello. I am new to this forum. I've actually had herpes for 7 years now and I am finally seeking support for it. I am starting a new relationship and I want to do this the right way. I've always been extremely pathetic when disclosing to a potential partner and I realize now that I can come at this from a knowledgeable and calm standpoint. So now that I have rehearsed, many times in my room, how I'm going to deliver this I want to know what questions to be prepared for. Especially the crazy questions. I'm prepared to handle a rational adult discussion but what 2 people consider to be rational can vary greatly. Thank you for your help and support and I hope to gain the confidence and knowledge to help someone else. I think this is an amazing thing you all are doing.