Lifechange

I hear you. If going on suppressive therapy is something you don't want, try L-Lysine. Look it up online for info. And, avoid peanut butter. I don't want to pass it on either. But I have learned to believe someone if they make their decision knowing the facts. And your mom- she was just trying to be reassuring. Give her that. No one likes to see their 'baby' hurting. And if you don't have baggage- you haven't lived. It's all in how we deal with it.

You sound like me awhile back. Like months back. It is different in that we now have to disclose. Because we are honest and don't wish to 'hurt' others. When I disclose I tell people I was unfortunately gifted with herpes. Unfortunately it is not the one accepted by society. But it is not a death sentence. I give the stats (which I gleaned from this site for the most part- I actually carried it folded up in my bag in the beginning). I tell them I don't want to do what was done to me ( gifted that is), that I want them to make an informed decision. I cried the first couple of times. I have only had 2 walk away. Another 2 I didn't want to continue a relationship with. And, I am now getting to know another- I quite like him. He said what a shitty deal- but it was ok. I will just let him know if I am having an outbreak. I chose to go on suppressive therapy as that further cuts back the risk of passing it on. However, there is always a risk. It takes a special person to accept the risk- and I deserve a special person, as do you. Have you told any family members or friends? Funny thing, once I told my sister and her significant other and my 16 year old daughter about it- the healing really started. It was like I wasn't any longer hiding a dirty little secret, and I no longer FELT dirty and or damaged.

Let yourself grieve and be angry. You have to let it out, before you can let in the healing phase. You will still be you- but better. You will understand this down the road :). Educating yourself so that you know what you're dealing with (it's not a death sentence), which greatly helps you sharing this with people down the road. Do I wish I didn't have this? Absolutely. But I do. And once I came to accept this 'lifechange', and educate myself it really helped me to move on. And, I no longer cry at disclosures.( Not that I have had a lot ;). )

Carlos. You are great with words. In my humble opinion your play will fly. Thanks for your wonderful reads......

Hi Adrial! Disclosing is certainly something that I have found I do when comfortable to do so. At my age I am pretty sure soon in if I even want to 'go there' with the someone I have met. I am comfortable with when I disclose ( lots of learning about oneself first- with thanks in part to your awesome site) and how I do so. Most have walked, but 1 has chosen to stay and see where it goes- as any normal relationship. He just asked that I inform him if I am having an outbreak. Fair I say!! Now you're probably wondering why I contacted said above subject - I just finally had to is all. It was bothering me how he felt about it................

Yes, feeling like damaged goods is how I felt too. This will get better. I didn't think so at the time- but it does. And, you get to know yourself better, and with that comes a really awesome strength. This site was phenomenal in helping me, along with devouring information where I could. Education for you first- then you can educate others on making informed decisions. I am here for you. Full circle will come.

So. I have been a member here (great site!) for awhile now and have gotten great information and inspiration. Now that I am settled into my 'new' life, I thought it would be interesting to tell this tale of a conversation I am currently having on a dating site. I contacted this fellow (too far away for me to date) because his opening line is "I am honest, I have herpes"....I suggested that maybe he would want to want to wait to tell someone this in person as it is personal, and you may not necessarily end up wanting a sexual relationship with the person you meet. He replied that I am with the majority and that scares him. We are why this spreads. That we operate under deception. I told him I was sorry he felt that way.That if I like who I meet in that way, I disclose quickly, with facts and let them know I want them to make an informed decision. To go and think about it. And that 90% walk away. I am much better with all this now. I don't believe in dishonesty. I do believe education needs to be stepped up. And, I am not too sure if I am feeling kind of sad for this guy......What do you think?

Whiteshadow- I havn't convinced myself yet that it is not the person who is being rejected as well as the herpes. ie As Learning mentioned people don't tell you that they don't feel any differently about you- and then vanish from your life. Or, tell you that you should kill yourself-that's a huge rejection I would say!! Now- I have to admit that having been an uninformed non-herpes carrier 3 years ago I definitely thought differently about people who had genital herpes over oral herpes. Funny how a person with a cold sore is ok- but not when you have a 'hot sore' in the nether regions..... I think sex-ed needs to be updated!!!! Maybe that's why I got blessed- I wouldn't have come to that realization otherwise!!

Thanks lelani & Adrial. As usual, common sense and honesty win out. A good reminder to those of us who are finding our way in our new life.

I am new to this whole disclosing thing. The man who blessed me about 2.5 years ago I thought I would be with forever, and so didn't think I would have another 'herpes upheaval' to deal with. I think I have tried every possible timing on this disclosing thing. I have disclosed at the 'third date' . I have disclosed in the first telephone conversation as the subject came up, and I have also introduced myself to online prospects as someone with herpes. Now, the third date disclosure went over the best- but frankly, I think it was the hormones. So, if I go by that as an example- does one wait to disclose and risk being accused of wasting ones time and not being honest up front, or does one be honest at the get go? Does one use a 'regular' dating site, or sign up on an herpes site. Or both?

Atlantic- All the best to you with your disclosure! I sure hope you get a positive result. I am still figuring out timing on disclosure myself. I actually introduced myself to someone online and admitted it right off the bat. He replied with a 'poor you', and that was that so to speak. I have some finessing to work on, but I sure as hell don't want to do what was done to me! Keep me posted, ok?!

I was 'blessed' about 2 1/2 years ago by a man who didn't tell me had herpes. We were about 6 months into the relationship. I ofcourse reacted with anger, then denial, then diffused denial.....I decided I wanted to stay with this man, and eventually 'forgot' I now had herpes. Eventually other issues in the relationship caused it to fail. When I finally took the step to joing dating sites, it hit me like 2 tons of bricks. OH GOD- I HAVE HERPES. I have only 'needed' or chosen to disclose 4 times. 1 man was ok with it, 2 definitely not, and the 4th- I am not sure where it's going....I am not sure if he's serious about what he says, or if I am being played by a player. Could be time to close the book on that one. As I write this, I know I still like myself, like who I am, but am sure that life has changed for me. And yes, feeling a little angry again....

Hi Atlantic, Cedar and CBK.... Thanks for your notes..Atlantic- my disclosure came up first phone call because he told me that a woman had tried to seduce him and admitted to having herpes. He had known her for quite sometime, and told me he was so very glad he didn't sleep with her. Ergo, I said, well, I guess we won't bother meeting as I have herpes. Well- I did hear back from him, we have been communicating and he says he cares about meand says very supportive things. But, I have seen him on the dating site and assume he is looking for someone 'healthy'. Not that I blame him. He had told me that he cares, and doesn't want to share me- but, I wouldn't want to share him either. Anyway, this has been alot of talk on the phone and a took me out once relationship, so I think I am going to have to close the book myself. Now that I have read back on this, it sounds so highschool....I am too old and like myself too much for that.

I was infected with herpes 2years ago and have only had 2 outbreaks. I take L-Lysine every day as a preventive measure, but ofcourse keep Valacyclovir onhand if I feel an outbreak could be coming on. Last night I had the disclosure talk for only the 2nd time (sooner than I thought as I havn't yet met the man, but the discussion was open). It was very upsetting for me, and for him. He took some time to think about it, and said he would still like to meet. As of today I still havn't heard from him. I am sure that maybe he needs more time to digest, but my instincts are telling me that the book has been closed. At this time I am feeling embarrassed, and I guess somewhat soiled ( by having herpes ), and how that presents to a 'healthy' person.