Bluesy

I have also struggled with the ethics of disclosing (especially as I'm on valacylovir and knowing the odds of transmission, etc.). But I always think back to my Giver, and how furious he made me by not disclosing to me and not continuing to protect me and my health. I have zero respect for him now. Whereas, if he had been honest with me and given me the opportunity to decide for myself if I wanted to take the very small risk, I would feel VERY differently about him now. Granted, that was a long-term relationship, but if I'd just had casual sex with him and he hadn't disclosed, I would definitely be furious. So I guess it depends on how you want to be perceived if the odds catch up to you.

Thought I'd close the circle on this story. This relationship actually didn't work out, but not for any herpes-related issues. He turned out to be somewhat of a jerk, and I turned out to be more selective than I thought. I've moved happily onward, though, and am back in the dating world, open to more Opportunities.

I was diagnosed with HSV2 (genital) two years+ ago, and have been on suppressive therapy (Valacyclovir) since, with no outbreaks after the initial one. A new romantic interest (whom I met via a herpes dating site! yay!) has HSV1 (oral + genital). What are the odds of transmitting our respective "flavors" to each other (if and when the opportunity ever ... um... arises, that is)? Does having one type provide immunity to the other? Does being on suppressive therapy inhibit acquiring the other type?

Hi, all. Sorry for the long lag, but I've been busy. Thank you all, first off, for the good wishes! It's such a source of strength to have this community to turn to. Second, and more to the point, I have continued to see him, and we have more dates lined up. And yes, 2Legit, we "did the deed" but not that night. Funny story - after our frank and honest discussion, he confessed that he had suffered an unfortunate incident in preparing for the date. While manscaping (ahem), he'd gotten a little too aggressive/excited and had nicked himself. There. Yes, there. He even showed me to prove it wasn't a lame excuse to avoid sex! LOL! So we decided it was best to wait until he was healed up. So take heart, compatriots - good, understanding, nonjudgmental people are indeed out there and will be open to a healthy, happy relationship with you even if you harbor this inconvenient virus.

I am on acyclovir too - using it for about 6 months now. But I didn't start taking it until about two weeks into my first outbreak, so I'm not sure how much of an effect it had on that first outbreak. I did find taking about 600 mg of Advil (ibuprofen) a day helped with the aching and nerve tingling, especially at night. I also used some tea tree oil on the lesion, which helped it heal. Lemon balm helps there, too. You can find them in places like Whole Foods stores or Natural Grocers, I think. They are essential oils. I tried lysine as well, but I think it had a weird effect on my bowels - I had constipation for about a week while I was taking it and discolored "output" when it eased up. Not sure I'd take lysine again. Nightly warm baths with epsom salts also helped a great deal - but it might have just been the relaxation. Hey, if it helps, it helps! Take heart, it will pass. You'll feel a little better every day.

In the spirit of continuing to help our little “H” community live a good life, I thought I’d share my recent (and first ever) disclosure experience. I’d read all the other positive disclosure stories (THANKS to all of you who contributed those – they helped a great deal!), and learned that I needed to educate myself more about this virus. You see, I also met a great guy recently, the first one after breaking up with the guy who shared his virus with me (without disclosing he had it – not sure whether I believe he didn’t know or not; that’s another story…). I’m almost 50 years old, and was diagnosed from my first outbreak about a year ago. So maybe I have a little more maturity in how I perceive this virus and how I deal with it than some of our younger community members. Not to say my diagnosis didn’t absolutely piss me off at the time, and I’ve cried my share of tears in outrage, shame, misery, and fear. But at this point, through a lot of self-education and great sites like this one, I’m okay with it. It’s a minor inconvenience I live with. Much less of an inconvenience than some other conditions, such as psoriasis, food allergies, diabetes, the flu,and monthly periods (think about it – what is more likely to interrupt the rhythm of your healthy sex life: an OB a couple times a year, or a menstrual period every month?). So on to the disclosure. Third date, great date – murder mystery dinner show! It was hilarious. We’d really clicked on so many levels of interest and values and energy. Had a bit of a makeout session on the last date which was awesome, and I was a little nervous about the Third Date. I boned up on the risk information from this site and from other sites, read through all the successful disclosure stories, and realized I needed to do two key things: 1. Be factual, and 2. Be confident. I rehearsed what I’d say, numerous times, until I had my “elevator speech” down – I have a tendency to ramble and didn’t want to do that in this situation. I envisioned various outcomes from this disclosure and how I’d react (or want to react) to each, just to mentally prepare myself for the potential rejection as well as a successful acceptance (including the potential that he, too, would have a disclosure statement). So, when we were back at my place, comfortably canoodling on the couch, and things were heating up a bit, I deliberately called a “time out” and got up to get water. I needed to slow the pace, and create some space to introduce the topic. I came back to the couch, sat next to, but not touching, him, and said, “Wow, that was really nice! I like you, and I like where I see this going. I think you’d agree that it’s progressing towards greater intimacy, right?” He agreed, enthusiastically. “Okay, then we’d probably better have the “due diligence” talk – about STDs”. He looked a little worried, I’ll admit. I asked him when he’d last been tested, or if he’d ever been tested. He admitted he’d had a “scare” in his last relationship that prompted his getting tested for everything. I asked him if that specifically included herpes; he said yes, he’d asked for that test as he understood it wasn’t normally included on the full panel of tests. His results were negative. I took a bit of a breath and said “well, I do carry the genital herpes virus, and I want you to know that because, like I said, I like you and I respect you, and you will need to decide if that’s a deal-breaker for you. I don’t know how much you know about the virus and risk of transmission but I’d like to tell you about it.” I then proceeded to go over the risks and probabilities of transmittal, including the risk relative to other undesirable events such as having a car accident or getting me pregnant. I told him I was on a daily antiviral pill and had no problems at all with it. He was quiet while I was telling him all this. I assured him that if he decided he’d rather not continue to see me, that I wouldn’t hold him in any kind of bad regard; I’d be disappointed, of course, but I understood that it was too scary for some people. He asked me a few questions about my outbreak (the only one I’ve had so far, knock on valacyclovir!), and which antiviral I was on. He knew it was a skin condition, not a moral failing, and he even knew the statistics on oral herpes incidence (he’d done his homework when he had his scare). We talked about some other stuff, and the conversation expanded into relationship experiences and honesty and communication and just all this great, intimate, discussion, and it occurred to me that THIS is what you mean by the Opportunity! We did, indeed, reach a greater level of intimacy that night, but it wasn’t sexual. It was honesty. And we have another two dates lined up….

Man, do I identify with all that! I was diagnosed with HSV2 about 7 months ago. After the rage and the fear and the guilt, and after reading up on the virus on several sites (including the CDC.gov info), I've realized what we react to most strongly is the STIGMA rather than the actual physical effects. What has helped me to calm down and deal with it is to realize it is a less communicable virus than the flu (also a virus, also transmittable during sex). It is manageable (moreso than that flu, to be honest!) and if you're diligent about your overall health and conscientious about your suppressive therapy (if you choose to take it), you will be FINE. Deep breaths, and information. And know in your heart that there are HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of us who have your back.