KitKat

Hi everyone, So I posted awhile back about my story of how I got H and how life hasn't been too bad since. Anyways, I think I have come to realize that even though I've had H for about 4 years now, I still have issues with it in my head. I'm not sure where these issues start and where they end. For instance, I don't feel ashamed talking about H with any of my friends, the only time I become uncomfortable is talking to someone that I would want to disclose with. I had been dating one of my ex's at the beginning of this year and things were going well, however I was holding off on getting too serious since I had just gotten out of a divorce and felt like I needed time before I started something new. But at the same time no matter how much I try to convince myself that that was the reason why I wouldn't let things get serious, I also feel like maybe it was the fact that he was the first one I would have been disclosing to other than my friends and my ex-husband. While I think that the opportunity only came up once before things went downhill, I feel like I let myself down by not spitting it out. I felt prepared to tell him and knew everything that I should say, I just couldn't do it. It just feels like something is stuck in my throat when I think of trying to disclose to someone I want to have sex with. In the long run, I don't think we would work out anyway, so maybe that was the reason I didn't tell him. I'm not sure, but regardless I wish I had told him just so I would know that wasn't the reason we didn't work out. Since then, I've not really been trying to date much. Right now I feel like I just need to work on me, because I don't know how else I'm going to get past this roadblock. I think part of it is because my best friend kept telling me I should hold off on telling him and wait until I'm ready. But then at the same time I was feeling like I was ready weeks before things went downhill. I guess I just need to trust my gut from now on, because maybe she has more "shameful" misgivings towards H than I do, and that's the reason she was telling me to hold off. However, I'm not trying to place the blame on her because really it was my call not to tell him. It just didn't help to have someone telling me to hold off. PS my newest pet peeve is when I am talking about H with my friends in public and they tell me to keep my voice down if I'm talking too loudly. Like who the heck even cares, most of the time I don't know anyone around me and also it's not even a big deal! Sorry, just my rambling thoughts.

So I'm not sure where to start. Okay let me start by saying I love this forum and everyone on it for how completely positive they are about H. It has made me feel a million times better since I started reading it. Anyways.. my story. So I contracted H about 3 years ago. At the time I was just starting to date someone new but when he got tested he was negative so I'm assuming I got it from someone before him. I think my 1st outbreak may have been one of the worst experiences of my life mostly because I had no idea what was happening and spent half a night sitting in the ER alone waiting to be seen. After the outbreak was over though it hasn't really affected me up to this point. I told my current partner who is now my ex husband and surprisingly he didn't care at all about it. I was with him for the last 3 years and had planned to be with him for life considering we were married and such so I really didn't care that I had H. We just avoided sex when I had an outbreak and I was on suppressive meds as well. He's been tested since we broke up and is still negative so at least that is a plus for me. Well we recently split so now I am back on the dating front. Honestly I've pretty much come to terms with H and it no longer bothers me. The thought of disclosing to someone is very nerve racking though, mainly because you have no idea how that person might react. To me H is nothing and if the roles were reversed I would most definitely take the chance if I really liked somebody. It is just hard to predict what the other person might say. I have been talking to someone since January (who happens to be one of my other exs) and we have been hanging out as well. I've been holding him at arms length for reasons other than H. I keep thinking maybe I am deceiving him by letting him become attached before I tell him, but the reason we aren't having sex really isn't the H. My best friend assured me that I'm not deceiving him and that until we are officially together I shouldn't feel like it is his business. I have mixed emotions about it, mainly because it's just an extra thing to worry about when I don't get it out of the way, but I think I'm doing the right thing for now. I don't think I need to overwhelm someone with this extra information when we aren't even completely dating yet. I don't know I guess I just have to go with my gut and trust that I'm doing the right thing. I will be glad once I do finally tell him and the waiting period is over. It just blows my mind that such a tiny little thing can be blown so out of proportion. I almost never get outbreaks and my ex husband never got H even though we never used condoms and I only took valtrex when I had outbreaks. (I would be much more careful with someone else, we just figured since we were married who cares if he got it.. and the feeling was mutual.. i obviously would have been more careful if he was nervous to get it). Currently I am on suppressive daily meds and have condoms if needed so most likely the other person is never going to get it. Sigh, it is just so annoying that the stigma is what it is. I do believe that it is all about how you portray it though. I've told 4 of my close friends and none of them have seemed bothered by it and once I gave them the facts they were like wow that's not even bad at all. My two best friends tell me that it isn't even a big deal and it shouldn't be a big deal when dating. I guess my problem has always been that I've had low self esteem for a long time and this doesn't really help. But I have been working on looking at how awesome I really am and starting to love myself for everything about me. As long as I keep reminding myself, it helps me think that people will look past the H. Because really H doesn't define us at all. It just is what it is. And really its not much of anything. So thanks for creating this forum Adrial because it has really helped and is great to see a lot of people being so completely positive about H. Sorry this post got so long but it feels good to get it all out there!