Paradise_Lost

Now that I think about it, if the shoe was on the other foot, I'm pretty certain I would take the risk. If I didn't have herpes and I met an incredible man that I was head over heels for and he did have herpes, I would take the risk of exposure if it meant my shot at bliss. If I truly thought he could be the one, there's not a doubt in my mind I would take a chance on happily ever after. So maybe I am jumping the gun...

It's all still pretty new to me so maybe I'm still just a little freaked out about it. Maybe in time, I'll grow more accustomed to the idea, who knows. On the bright side I do think this will help me weed out all those "short-term" suitors and find the ones that are in it for the long run. Positive thinking is a beautiful thing :) My problem (or one of them ;) ) is I seem to fall in love at the drop of a hat! lol Or rather, I find something to love in just about everyone I meet. So now, when I think about it, it's kinda like I have a new tool for finding genuine relationship prospects. I have always been driven by my heart more than anything. But, I think I'm gonna give it a break for a little while and let my brain take over, just until I get myself in a good position to be open to new possibilities. I'll get my affairs in order, learn to be comfortable in my own skin, and keep an open mind. After that, I can only hope that love will find me. Because at that point I will be able to recognize it and embrace it fully. Oh, and happy update, I will be starting my new job on Monday :) I'm excited about all of it! New job, new apartment, new chapter in my life... and new opportunities! Thanks again for the kindness and support. It really is making a huge difference :D

I was reading some posts about the disclosure discussion and imagining myself having that conversation. I came to the conclusion that I simply don't know if I could do that. I think I'm the type of person that would go their entire life remaining single rather than pass an incurable virus on to someone I cared about. That, coupled with the thought of embarrassment and rejection pretty much wipes out the possibility of me dating someone without herpes. Even if I could find someone who was willing to except me the way that I am, I just don't think I could live with the guilt of exposing them. Especially if things didn't work out in the end. I feel like I would be really self conscious during intimacy and the thought of giving that person herpes would always be lingering in my mind. I feel like that would put a huge strain on the relationship. I know that choosing to only date people with herpes significantly lowers my dating pool, but I just don't know if I could handle being with a non-infected person. It just seems like a lot of stress. Am I being a martyr or just plain silly?

Thank you Lelani, I'm so glad to hear your amazing story! I'm thankful that you are still here today and your able to give me words of encouragement. Big hug to you too :) There are a lot of great people on this site and I'm really glad I found it. Reading other stories and seeing how other people are not just coping with this condition, but living fuller and more satisfying lives has been incredibly helpful for me. I find that I am getting a little stronger each day. The negativity is slowly making way for hope. I have been focusing on getting my life in order and things are beginning to look up for me. I am expecting a call about a great job in the next few hours. I had already put a deposit down on an apartment a few weeks ago so they would hold it for me, so with a little help I'll be moving into my own space. I'm already decorating it in my head lol I'm thinking bright happy colors :) I'm really excited for the first time in a good while. I honestly think that good things are in store for me. I haven't had to have the disclosure talk with anyone yet, so I'm sure I'll have some trials ahead, but I know that I can always come here for advice and understanding. Thank you all again. You are all such an inspiration!

Oh, I'm sure I'll always be a hopeless romantic. I'm just indulging in a bit of melodrama and self pity at the moment. I am only human, after all. I still see the beauty in the world. I'm still amazed every time I look up on a clear night. The stars are really beautiful when you live in the middle of nowhere lol It puts things into perspective for me. It reminds me that in this great, big, vast universe I am only I tiny insignificant spec. And suddenly, in the grand scheme of things, my problems don't seem so big. I find that comforting. Of course, these moments of peaceful clarity are fleeting, but they're nice while they last.

I would love to have a buddy, but I doubt anyone here is in my area. I live in a small town near Danville, KY. Any takers?? The nearest larger city is Lexington. I'm a 24 year old female and recently diagnosed. I'm a young gal with an old soul so any age group is fine, and I have no preference as to male or female. Any buddy will do :)

Well, I for one am getting a little sick of tests! lol You have no idea how many times I have been tested. I have been through a lot in my short time here on earth and I've certainly had more than my fair share of darkness, but I managed to get through all of it and smile. I've even been able to forgive. Although, I do think a lot of my negativity towards myself stems from issues I dealt with growing up. I guess right now this just feels like the last straw. I was able to come up with a few silver linings though: I'll probably never have my heart broken again, I'll have plenty of time to catch up on reading and enjoying the outdoors, and I can spend more time with my family. Being untouchable will free up a lot of time for me that I would have otherwise spent chasing that unicorn I call true love. There will also be less disappointment. So I guess there are some positives. And I haven't completely lost sight of the things I am thankful for, like my family. They are the greatest people I know, my mother is a constant inspiration, my step-dad has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and my brothers are my best friends in the entire world. I will always be very grateful for them. I don't think I would be here without them. It also saddens me though because I feel like I can't talk to them about what I'm going through right now. I don't want them to look at me any differently. That would absolutely break my heart. It is really nice to have someone to talk to though. You really don't know how much it means to me :) I think I'll be okay in time. It's just going to take some getting used to. I have always been able to adapt, I suppose this shouldn't be any different. Thanks again for the support. I do feel a bit better after getting all the crap out lol

It definitely doesn't feel so great to be alive right now. I didn't love myself before I had herpes, how in the hell am I supposed to now? I have absolutely nothing going for me. My last relationship pretty much wiped me out financially, then I got laid off from work, I get unemployment but its not even enough to pay all of my bills so I had to move back in with my parents. Until now, I had been supplementing my unemployment with what little I still had saved after my breakup and now that's gone. I just had to borrow money from my mother to cover my student loan payment. My parents aren't wealthy by any means and my mom has been in and out of the hospital for the past 4 or 5 years. Last year she found out she had breast cancer so she has a mountain of medical bills. I can't expect them to pay my bills for me and I don't want them to. I should be able to take care of myself by now. Then to top it all off, I find out I have herpes. I haven't had any luck finding a job and today I found out that my unemployment has been cut off. I have worked and paid taxes since I was 16 and this is the first time I have ever drawn unemployment. I've only been drawing for 2 months and I only get 404/month. My ex has been drawing unemployment for over a year now and he gets 415/week! He hasn't had any problems. I've just been caught in a constant shit storm for about 3 months now and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying and failing. I really hate to be a debbie downer, and I appreciate your kind words, truly, but I just can't see the silver lining anymore.

I'm 24 years old and I just found out I have herpes. I was always the girl who people came to with their problems because I could always find a way to cheer them up. I hate seeing people upset, even if its a complete stranger. I love to laugh, I'm one of the goofiest people I know, and I love making others laugh, even if I make a complete fool of myself doing it. I have always been a very kind, loving, and cheerful person... on the surface. What I mean by that is: when it comes to the people around me, I never judge, I find the good in everyone, and I love with my whole heart. But, when it comes to myself, it's a completely different story. I am harshly judgmental, I never give myself any credit, I put myself down and I have a horrible self image. I have never really been kind to myself. It's like I'm living two separate lives - like I have a split personality. Finding out that I have herpes has only deepened the dislike I have for myself. I feel disgusting, like I deserve this, like I screwed up and now I have to pay for it. I realize that by saying that, I'm not only accepting the stigma that society has placed on this condition, I'm perpetuating it. So, I try to rationalize it by saying that, even if I had remained a virgin until my wedding day, I still could have contracted this virus. But, there's always that voice in the back of my mind that tells me it's unlikely, that I'm just trying to justify my poor choices. Not that I was overly promiscuous, I'm a relationship girl. For the most part, I have only ever had sex in the context of a committed relationship. It takes a deeper level of comfort and trust for me to achieve a satisfying intimate experience. Still, I look at myself like a piece of dirt. I read statements claiming that herpes was actually a blessing in disguise, and I try to apply that to my own situation. I think about how much I have given of myself in my relationships, how many opportunities I passed up because I valued my partner more than myself, only later to find out, it was all for nothing. So then I think maybe it could be a blessing for me. I could learn to value myself more, to do the things that are beneficial for me and take charge of my life. The sad truth is that I never really cared much about my own life. The only thing I've ever wanted, the only thing I've ever really sought after, was love. I want to be blissfully in love with someone and to give myself completely to that person and have them love me in return. I feel like that hope has been taken from me. I feel that the one thing I wanted most in this world, the only thing I was really sure about, has vanished. I feel that I am doomed to a miserable life of loneliness and shame. I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to be happy with myself or by myself. I have never been enough for myself. I apologize for the obnoxiously long message. I just have this constant battle in my head ALL THE TIME and I guess rambling helps me to sort it out... somewhat. There is a part of me that wants to be hopeful, and there is the other part that thinks there is no hope. How do I reconcile the two? How do I conquer my own thoughts and find the will to keep on going?