Jump to content

Arty

Members
  • Posts

    15
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Arty

  1. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up! Take care of yourself roo, but give him time to accept the diagnosis and learn how to take care of himself. Let him know that you didn't know and would never so anything to hurt him. Again, he was having sex before without full knowledge of his partners-you and previous ones. So many people just don't know. You just do better once uou do know and rhats all you can do. Best wishes.
  2. Did he have a swab test? The swab can tell what type it is. Even though you have hsv, if you are not his first partner there is no guarantee you gave it to him. It could have been dormant for him as well.
  3. I can relate! I have been seeing someone for about two years. I found out I had herpes a few months into it. We have amazing chemistry. The only thing we have ever argued about is sex. He is OCD about his health, and even though he knows he's being ridiculous, he still can't bring himself to have uninhibited penetrative sex with me. We have parted ways three times, and can't seem to stay away from each other because of the rest of what we have. Even though I am frustrated by not being able to have "geeen light" sex (do whatever I want to sex), our relationship is much more intimate and fulfilling than any I have ever had. I'm in my 40's and have had my share of relationships and great sex. I think sometimes about ending the relationship so I can be with someone with whom I can do all the sexy things I want, but I don't want to because he makes me laugh and feel special and want to be a better person. Most of the time it's not even an issue, but occasionally I feel like I'm "not good enough," so I pressure him and then we both feel bad. Then he invariably does or says something that reminds me of what is more important to me. It's so easy to find someone to have sex with, but that real intimacy is much harder to come by. There is no timeframe for you to decide how long you can wait for him to be okay with herpes, or for him to not be anxious about it, and its okay if one or both of you decide this is your deal breaker. But you have to discuss it. Your time and your love is valuable. Tell him what you need, what makes you feel loved and accepted. You are not any less worth loving now because you have herpes. It does not define you and you don't have to settle because of it. You decide if he is worthy of you, if you can see a future with him. You decide if you're willing to accept his issues. Tell each other what your needs are and if see if the other is meeting them or at least is trying. When I talk to close friends about my relationship (Ive been open about my diagnosis) and occasional frustration with his hesitancy and anxiety, they say I deserve better, that I should move on and be with someone who accepts the herpes. Maybe. But it's my decision and for now I've decided that green light sex isn't as important as the way he holds me and listens when I've had a bad day and how he makes me feel like the most beautiful and sexy woman in the world--even without what most people consider a necessity. We do all kinds of things in bed and we actually get pretty creative and he works pretty hard to please me, but it's not the usual P in V that most people consider sex. Regardleas of how good it feels, still the best part is holding each other talking and laughing afterwards. That's what works for us. If you really care about each other, either you will find a way to make the relationship work or you will be able to let each other go so ypu can both have your best life, even if its not together. If thats the case, yes, it might hurt for a time, but will be easier to let go. Many people in relationships don't have sex, or do very seldom. Usually it's because one can't for some physical reason, but it really isn't the most important part of a relationship, not even close. Many people feel close to someone they are intimate with, but never get to real intimacy. When sex is off the table for some reaaon, they no longer feel close. Its a bonus of a relationship, but not the basis for one. Otherwise we could just have sex with anyone and wouldn't have to worry about feelings and acceptance beyond the moment. You have to decide what works for you and what you can or cant live without. I agree with Regular Guy. Talk about it, put it all on the table and get down to the nitty gritty of it. Be honest with each other. See how you both feel, what you want and what you need to make a relationship work for you--not just the sex but also anything else that might be worrying you- and whether you can agrre or at least compromise on those things or not. Good luck.
  4. I'm sorry you had the same experience! Yes, please do. I can use all the support I can get today.
  5. I was diagnosed with genital HSV2 in January. I had never had symptoms before, but had to have had it at least ten years. The diagnosis came three months into a new relationship with a good man that seemed like a really good thing. It put a huge wrench in everything. He is a germophobe and probably has some OCD, and with the whole stigma thing it didn't surprise me that it was a lot for him to think and worry about, even though he gets cold sores. He backed way off, but we continued to see each other. We had sex once after my diagnosis, and he beat himself up over it. He putzed around for months to get tested, and said he actually might have been relieved if he was positive because H wouldn't be an issue. He wasn't. He decided H was a deal breaker and we stopped seeing each other. It hurt a lot, but I got it. I missed him terribly and he missed me more than he anticipated. Somehow we ended up talking again, and the last few months we have seen each other not a lot but regularly and had some kind of contact daily. Since I knew he needed time to get over his fear of H, I have tried to be cool about being intimate without the sex that was so great before that we both miss. It has been enjoyable for sure, but frustrating too. Even with condoms and antiviral, he is afraid to put his penis inside me, because nothing is 100% that he won't get this horrific thing he's blown so far out of proportion. I've given him stats and facts and common sense comparisons and he is still paralyzed by his fear. About the only positive is that I know he wants to spend time with me for ME and not sex. The ironic thing is, there are several men (decent guys that I already know and who know about my status, not just any old Joes!) who would be happy to have sex, but I don't want that because they don't love me. The man I love wants me, the whole package, but is afraid to have sex with me. Last week we had a misunderstanding about something and he reminded me that we were not in a committed relationship and I could do what I want, even though it was clear he didn't like the thought. Even though we hadn't had a conversation about it, the way things were going seemed to warrant defining the relationship. So...he says I'm awesome in all the right ways, but this isn't going anywhere BECAUSE OF H. He says that's the only thing holding him back. I told him I feel like hes been using me to fill his time until someone better/less damaged comes along. He swears this is not the case. He says he's not been and is not interested in seeing anyone else. So then I think he's using the H as an excuse to not be with me. He assures me that he is still torn and confused about the whole thing because he cares a lot for me and he realizes his fear is robbing him of a good thing. I'm really angry at myself for falling for him and getting back into this, and I'm angry with him for being dense and throwing me away because of a rash. I told him when I think about deal breakers for a relationship they are immaturity, irresponsibility, being unkind, not accepting kids, no sense of humor, drug/alcohol addiction, and crazy psycho stalker behavior, etc. Herpes pales in comparison. Every relationship has something that needs to be worked through, everyone has baggage of some kind that affects their partner and the relationship. Although I see it for what it is, a skin rash, H has ruined my self esteem. I'm not interested in dating those men I mentioned. I don't want to open up to anyone again. I want to be with someone who can't be with me. Im not looking for forever, just a commitment to now and seeing what happens. I'm not young and I've got a life with my kids and my job. I just want to enhance it by sharing with someone I care about who reciprocates AND isn't afraid to express it physically. It just seems so unfair. A few months ago I was so happy and feeling so good about life, and it seems like life said nope, here's a damn virus to screw with you, like you haven't had enough. ONE blister in all these years has brought me lower than many of the real traumas I've experienced in my life. It's not just the relationship but the hit my self worth has taken and the ability to focus on the positive and gratefulness that has me feeling so down. If you read all this, thanks for letting me vent. Much needed today. HERPES SUCKS.
  6. Didn't realize I never posted this from quite awhile ago... I never had any reason to think he was cheating. Always thought he was a decent guy, just emotionally constipated. I even talked to him a few weeks ago to ask about herpes and his answer was no. He said he had just been tested "for everything " at his recent doctor appointment and was negative for all. I'm not sure about the menopause thing. I have the symptom of difficulty sleeping but not so much the other symptoms. I haven't had periods for a couple years since I had an endometrial ablation. I think I will remind him about getting tested this weekend. I don't see him as shallow, just think he needs education. I'm still not sure what the numbers mean...most of the things I've found to read just say anything greater than 1 is a definite positive. Any reason to be rejected is awful. I'm sorry that happened to you! I guess anything that could be seen as a challenge, barrier, weakness or whatever definitely brings out the true character of both parties. I'm hoping I'm right about the stand-up character of this guy. Update: Frustation abounds. He's still afraid to be have sex. We were close once and he just couldn't. I took it as total rejection of myself, not just sexually. We talked about it after and even though I was hurt and angry we joked about othe awkwardness of the situation and shared feelings and I was hoping it was a step forward. He still hasn't been tested, says it's no use until four months from the time I had symptoms. He said if it's positive then it won't matter but the way he worded things made it seem like if it was negative he would move on. If that's the case I would definitely rather end it now. I'm trying to be patient-I know it takes time to digest this, but it's not like he could be getting HIV that could kill him. And he already has HSV1. I reminded him it's the same virus and skin anywhere on the body is just skin. have given him tons of information, and he is still freaked out about it. Its clear that he has fairly strong feelings for me and we just enjoy spending time together, but the longer this is hanging between us the more I want to shut down and the more disappointed and angry I am at myself for letting my guard down. I'm beginning to resent him for being so obtuse. I would like to send him to this site to get more information to ease his mind but I don't want him to read this thread; he would definitely recognize the details...
  7. Thank you--I will definitely share with him! For now I'm crying and snuggling with my dogs who don't care a thing about my private parts, my diagnosis, or anything other than getting their bellies rubbed. I'm hoping my guy will go get tested right away, but he hasn't mentioned it, and I don't want to bring it up. I know he wants to spend time with me, but I also know he's thinking about the big H if we get too close, and am wondering how long it's gonna take for him to realize I haven't changed any! And yes, even if he already has oral herpes, he is a man, and every one I've known is pretty protective of his favorite parts. :) Yesterday was a better day and I was able to think about other things, be productive at work, and laugh with my friends and had a great time with my kids. Today was a down day and I was even wondering if I should tell my ex about my diagnosis. Was thinking of him especially because he texted me out of the blue--while his new girlfriend was at his house. What a shady thing to do. Since he wasn't being honest with me or her, it makes me think that he lied about other things, and now I'm convinced, however irrationally, that he's where I got this and I want to ruin his week too. I also think he ought to know, so someone else doesn't get it if he has it. Even though I have moved on from the relationship and am seeing someone else who is much better for me, it makes me angry that when we broke things off, he said he needed to work on himself and couldn't be in a relationship (not just with me but with anyone) because of his "issues" and now he's seeing someone (who happens to look very much like me-weird!) while I'm floundering around feeling distracted and incredibly vulnerable and insecure, trying to figure out if I can handle having a relationship with anyone, including the one with whom things were going so well a couple weeks ago. So at the moment I'm pissed at the old guy, the new guy, and life in general. Regardless of what I've read-and even believe-that this whole herpes thing is basically just an annoying skin problem that may or may not flare up again anytime soon, I know how it is perceived by so many, and I don't want to be viewed as dirty or damaged, or feel as though someone will put herpes at the top of a cons list to compare against the pros to be with me.
  8. 2legit: I never would have put those things together before but it definitely makes sense. I'm sorry you experience that too because nerve pain is awful! tNd:Yes, we talked about how they are the same virus just show up in different places. I think it's the place where mine might show up at any time is the issue-ha! He is going to get tested just to know. Thanks so much for all of the information and encouragement! This site has been really helpful the last couple of weeks. I am sure things will end up fine-today is the first day I believe it. I love the "dignity and authenticity." I wish to have both in all areas of my life.
  9. @2legit... Sleep is an elusive thing for me and as a social worker and single mom with two kids-one of whom is very high maintenance-stress is the usual for me. The more I read and now that I think about it, about a year ago I had an occasional burning pain at my tail bone. Didn't happen all the time, and didn't last long, but was annoying and painful when it happened. Still feel it occasionally but it's not as bad. I've also had a few times that my lady bits have been numb after sitting for some time. I told my gyn at my annual that intercourse feels different but I didn't really know how. When she tried to have me pinpoint how, I think it's feeling like there's less sensation. The pain from my tailbone was definitely from a nerve but didn't go down my legs although around the same time I had sciatic pain for about a week that when it hit made me unable to walk just for a few minutes, then it would subside and come back intermittently. I have some arthritis in my back and knees from a car accident many years ago, so aches there wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me. Could these be symptoms of H? Yes, I'm feeling really insecure right now! Thanks for the support. This site has so much more information than anywhere else and I appreciate the stories so I don't feel so alone! My guy and I have talked more and although he's still not ready to sleep with me again, I think he might stick around. @GotWhat: I think he understands that. Since he's had a number of cold sores since I met him, there hasn't been a whole lot of that happening. :(
  10. Thanks for asking; I'm not handling it well at all. It's all I can think about right now and I am very depressed. I was so happy with he way my life in general seemed to be going and felt very enthusiastic about this relationship until last week. Now I'm afraid im already too involved, which is very unusual for me to feel this much, and I'm worried he will decide being with me isn't woth the risk. I saw him yesterday and we had a fantastic time just being together but we talked a long time about things and I don't know if I feel better or not. The symptoms I had were extremely mild and I can't think of any before then. I had burning pain and one raw irritated spot on my labia that formed two tiny blisters and then they morphed into one small ulcer and then it was gone. It was cleared up except for some soreness in fivedays from beginning to end. I am very in tune with my body and I seldom have "typical" symptoms when I am ill. For example I get a lot of UTI's because my bladder doesn't fully empty, but I almost never have the usual symptoms of burning and frequency until it is very advanced. Mine are much more subtle like fatigue and mild low back or pelvic pain, so I've had to insist on having urinalysis because the doctors didn't think that was the issue. All that to say I guess it's possible I could have had mild symptoms before but I don't think so. I have never noticed any lesions or anything on any partners, nor has anyone ever said anything about having issues that would have sounded like herpes. My last boyfriend and I were together five years and broke up this summer. It wasn't a bad relationship but it wasn't good for me emotionally and I never knew where I stood with him. Sorry that was a lot in answer. Im feeling introspective and thinking a lot about my choices and feeling very vulnerable at the moment.
  11. That's what I figured when I did the math. Now that I think about it, I'm wondering if my ex-boyfriend was subtly telling me he had it. He mentioned to me more than once that uncircumcised (which he is) men are more likely to pass on certain things without having symptoms. He never said anything directly. Not that it really matters where it came from at this point. Yes my current is going to be tested. He's a little freaked out about being with me now, even though he knows he's just as much at risk with anyone else, since most people don't know they have it. Since the relationship is fairly new and we hadn't had any conversation previous to this about what we were doing or where it was heading this has thrown both of us for a loop.
  12. November 1 was the first time and i noticed symptoms on January 3, so I guess that's nine weeks.
  13. I had the blood test and swab. I must have misheard the nurse or she read it wrong, because surprisingly enough I was negative for HSV 1 despite exposure from several siblings who get cold sores (I'm the youngest of six and they were always loving on me!) and previous boyfriends. The IGG for type 2 was 14.3.
  14. I've never posted like this, but then I've never been told I had an incurable STD until earlier this week either. I am in a fairly new relationship (4 months) with a fantastic guy--with whom I can envision a future!-- (after many years of poor relationship choices that I made to keep from getting to that point, including my most recent relationship of five years that ended this summer) He had actually just met my family, including my kids, this past week, which is huge for me. I haven't connected and shared with anyone or just felt like I could be totally myself like I have with him since my first love at 18. I'm 44. I had what I thought was a yeast infection from antibiotics for a UTI. I was told my result (HSV 1 & 2 with current extremely mild outbreak of 2) over the phone just after I had made plans to meet my boyfriend to spend a few minutes during my lunch with him near his job. He came to meet me and I couldn't not tell him. It was bad timing, I did it awkwardly, and the conversation got interrupted because his job called and he had to leave immediately, so I got no feedback at all from him. I talked to him later that evening and he tried to be understanding and was honest that he was going through many emotions and didn't know what to think or do. He has cold sores and he talked about his experience with them and the signs of getting one, etc and I knew he was trying to relate to how it would/could be for me. He has not been tested for 2, but will be. He was married twenty years and has had very few partners and he nor any of them ever had symptoms. I have no idea who I might have gotten HSV from. I almost hope it's him and then I wouldn't have to worry about passing it to him, but I don't want him to have it! When I left he hugged me but didn't kiss me because he had a cold sore and said "we'll figure it out" and told me not to worry. That was several days ago and we have texted every day but not as much as usual, and I saw him once for about five minutes, but it's been awkward and we haven't talked about plans for the weekend even though it's visitation week with dad for my kids. I don't want to push him because I know he is processing and I don't want to be needy, something that is very out of character for me, but I'm feeling very insecure and need to hear that knows I'm worth the risks he would be taking to be with me. I don't know how to re-address the issue, since I kind of botched it the first time. I want to know where his head is now after having several days to think. The emotions I've been experiencing with the relationship and then with this wrench thrown in are ridiculously foreign to me. I'm middle-aged, for criminy's sake! I'm just having a hard time dealing with it all this week, and haven't been sleeping well at all, so everything seems much bigger because I'm worn out. I guess I just needed to vent. I called my friend who happens to be an STD educator after the first doctor appointment where they tested me, and had a half hour very personal conversation with her and asked questions and told her how devastated I was especially because of the fact that I really care for a man more than I have in years and that it would affect him as well--only to realize there were other people I know sitting next to her while she was on the phone, and I felt betrayed. There was no way they didn't know what was being discussed and with whom, so I was embarrassed. I shared with my best friend just that I had called a friend and talked about something very personal and ended up telling her about all of it. She told me she was diagnosed when she was engaged 16 years ago. I've known her a long time and had no idea...we share at least some with each other about almost everything. She said her husband is the only one who knows and she has always felt embarrassed and ashamed, but it has been a non-issue in their marriage. The subsequent discussions have made me appreciate her and our friendship more, so that's a positive from the positive test result at least! Thanks for reading; just typing this little book was cathartic for me.
×
×
  • Create New...