Jump to content

shinebrighter

Members
  • Posts

    13
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by shinebrighter

  1. Hi! @julia_I and @girlnamedhome -- the disclosure was interesting. it turns out this guy is a (self-identified) hypochondriac and he said it's caused him a lot of anxiety throughout his life.... and that he didn't want to see me anymore because he knew that although HSV isn't a big deal, it would stress him out too much. so it was really disappointing and i was angry with him for a while for not being able to see past it... AND i also think in some ways i dodged a bullet. yeah- the links are good links, and i also think it might be too much right away.
  2. and @girlnamedhope I appreciate your perspective too-- you're not being unkind- you're telling me your opinion, which is what I was asking for. : ) Thanks.
  3. Thank you so much to all of your for your thoughts-- it's really helpful! To clarify-- @Damnhim , we did actually use a condom, which is why I feel like it was low risk. And yes- @hippyherpy - that article gives me hope that the same can be true eventually for HSV! Time will tell. Again-- thank you all!
  4. @hippyherpy thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate the reminder to not let this become a pattern, and I'm sure it won't. Wish I had a time machine. : ) @optimist thanks for articulating what's so complex about this (and i realize it's only complex because i didn't disclose in the first place-- of course the least complex thing to do is to disclose and take it from there).
  5. Hey @SunDevourer - thanks so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. I really got the feeling that he wouldn't have a) used a condom or b) initiated the STI conversation if I hadn't brought up the condom in the first place, which makes me feel a little more comfort in the possibility of not going back and telling him. And of course with herpes, even if he thinks he knows his own status, he could still have it. Thanks so much again for sharing your thoughts! Much appreciated.
  6. Hey-- I disclosed over email a few months ago, and thought it might be helpful for some folks to see it. Context: we'd had one really great first date, live a few hours away, and planned to see each other in a few weeks. We'd spent 24 hours together and fooled around on our first date, and got close to having sex. I didn't want to wait 3 weeks to see him and then have the first thing be a disclosure conversation in person, which is why I chose email. I hope this is helpful! "I wanted to bring something up with you that I'm really comfortable talking about in person, and normally would prefer to. Because I won't see you for a couple weeks, I thought it might be better to just email about it now, rather than kick off our next visit together with this conversation. In case you couldn't tell, I'm excited to spend more time with you....and just might be a little attracted to you. : ) I hope it's not too presumptuous of me to think that you might feel similarly, and that it's reasonable/smart to have a conversation about sex. Then again, we've already established that we both have great detective skills, so I'm going to just go with my gut on this one. Ten years ago I was told that I have the virus that causes herpes- it's called HSV and is the same virus that causes cold sores. The only time I've ever had symptoms of it was that one time, 10 years ago, and I haven't had any since then. However, once a person has had HSV, it doesn't go away, even if there are never symptoms again. Many doctors no longer include it in an STI test because it's so common, and the test is not always reliable. It still feels important for me to tell potential partners about it, for the sake of honesty and full disclosure. How has this affected sex for me? In two ways-- 1) I have to have awkward conversations for a minute about it. : ) and 2) I only sleep with someone if I am excited enough about them to have this conversation, which has actually turned out to be a good thing. Other than that, it hasn't. Here are a couple of articles about it. CDC (http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/stdfact-herpes.htm) Washington Post (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2015/11/02/you-probably-have-herpes-but-thats-really-okay/) Of course I hope you'll feel comfortable asking me whatever you want about anything related to any of this... anytime. I'm also wondering if you've been tested since the last time you slept with someone, and if not, that could also be a great opportunity for you to talk to a doctor about any questions or concerns that you have about any of this, so that you're not getting all of your information from me and google.... reliable though we are. : ) FYI, I was tested a couple of months ago, and everything that they test for came back negative. I know if we were having this conversation in person you'd be exercising your calm and non-reactive superpowers. : ) I hope that doing this over email allows you the space/time to process, and I want to reiterate that I'm happy to talk about this in person, and that I hope you take whatever time you need. Thanks for being someone that I'm excited enough about to have this conversation with."
  7. Hey @Panda5000 - I know it's scary. You'll do great. I agree with the person who said not to mention how you think you got it in the first place-- completely adds to the stigma of it, which is what I think we want to work against. The truth is that most people don't know exactly how they got it (unless you and your ex boyfriend were virgins when you got together, and then you got herpes during the relationship). I understand how saying how you think you got it could soften the difficulty of telling someone, but it's also indirectly saying "STDs are a result of cheating or being irresponsible- they're bad- and this bad thing happened to me." STIs and STDs are a risk inherent in sex. I'm going to post a disclosure email that I sent a few months ago, in case it can be useful to you and others. Good luck. Let me know if you want to practice! ALSO-- if you tell him this one thing about you (herpes), and he rejects you.... then he's told you everything you need to know about him. : )
  8. Hello! I'm a 34 year old woman with HSV2. Up until a few days ago, I've always disclosed my status to potential partners (with a mix of reactions). I've had herpes for 11 years, and have had no symptoms since the initial outbreak that led to my diagnosis in the first place. I am a year and a half out of what was a 6-year monogamous relationship. Haven't had sex since then, so it carries a lot of weight for me right now-- emotionally, physically, etc. I've just started dating again. I went on a great first date with someone I met online, and we planned a 2nd date. While I was attracted to him, I specifically told myself I didn't want to sleep with him yet, and that I wanted to take things slowly (both because it feels like a big deal to sleep with a new person for whatever reason, and because I'd have to disclose herpes and it felt too soon to do that). One thing led to another, and we got really close to having sex. I strongly believe in having the herpes conversation NOT in the heat of the moment, and so I started to get nervous about how to handle it. Anyway- what I ended up doing was asking if he had a condom, to which he replied "are you clean?" (which kind of offends me as a question in general), and in the moment all I could say was "I haven't been tested in a while. We can totally wait." or something. While it's true I haven't been tested in a while, it was terrible to not disclose, but I couldn't do it in the moment. He wanted to have sex anyway, and the sex was good, aside from the guilt around not telling him. So my question is- what now? I feel terrible, because this is not how I usually do it, and I know it's not my place to make the decision for him about who he chooses to sleep with based on their status. Do I apologize and tell him now, after the fact? I don't see him as a potential long-term partner, though we do enjoy each others' company and I could see casually dating. Part of me thinks I should let it go, not see him again, and take this as a learning opportunity to never let that happen again in the future, and to just carry the guilt around what happened. I'd love to know if any of you have experience with this, or suggestions about how to move forward both with my own guilt and with my communication with him and future partners. Thank you so much; this is an incredible community. -S
  9. Hi @optimist ! Thanks so much for this post. It makes me feel better. I've just entered the online dating world, and have specifically wondered how to disclose. Doesn't seem worth investing much time (esp living in a rural place where dates are at least a 30 min drive away usually) if I'm just going to get rejected because of herpes. Hearing your success stories helps.
  10. So interesting- thanks for explaining! And then they don't share with people that they actually do carry HSV?
  11. Hi! I love this site- thank you so much to everyone who makes it a welcoming and safe place. I've seen the statistic here and other places, that 80% of the people who have herpes don't know that they have it. How does this statistic exist? Do doctors not tell patients when they have it, or something? There must be some obvious explanation that I'm missing-- would love your thoughts! The statistic is definitely a useful one to share when having the disclosure discussion, but I just want to make sure I'm understanding it. Thanks. : )
  12. Hi-- thank you so much for your response. It's really reassuring to hear from someone who's identified as a germaphobe and been on the other end of things. I definitely have that fear that even if he decides he wants to continue dating, that he'll always be distracted if we're having sex (worried about getting HSV), and that it'll never be enjoyable because of that. It was really helpful to hear what you said about the virus just being part of a person, but not defining the person. That's a good reminder. What helped you go from being a germaphobe to being comfortable sleeping with someone who had an STI? Thanks, too, for the reminder to give him time to process. That's what I'm doing, and it's a little agonizing on my end. I really hope that he'll talk to a doctor, and that the doctor will assure him that it's not a big deal. Thanks so much for your thoughts; it means a lot to me to get support from a stranger, especially during such a vulnerable and difficult time. : ) <3
  13. Hi Community! Grateful to have found you. I'm a 34 year old female. Have had HSV2 for 10 years. Assuming I got it when I was date raped, though it also could've been from a partner even though we used protection. I haven't had symptoms since the first ones 10 years ago, so I feel like the only way herpes affects me is that I have to have the awkward disclosure conversation, and I have to deal with the emotions of shame, etc, that come along with it. I'm in the very beginning stages of dating someone, and I've never felt the way about anyone that I feel about him... already. I recently disclosed to him about herpes, and feel really good about how I explained it, I know it was the right thing to do, etc. He was respectful, thoughtful, sensitive about it, BUT, he also needs time to process and think about it. He identifies as a germaphobe/hypochondriac , and admitted that his brain tends to prioritize the irrational over the rational, especially when it comes to health stuff. So here I am in this limbo state, feeling really nervous/scared of losing someone that I have a really good feeling about. Specific things I'd love thoughts/support about: 1) Lets say he does come around, or we still hang out and date while he's deciding if it's worth the risk for him.... how do I deal with the assumption on my part that he thinks I'm gross, or doesn't want to touch me, or could never get aroused because he'll always be thinking about herpes.... ETC. It makes me not want to initiate anything, because I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him in any way.... etc. 2) I'm having a hard time being associated with the word germaphobe, because it implies that I'm dirty, etc. How do you get over that? Again- he's been so sensitive and responsive, which of course would make it even more sad/hard if he ultimately can't get past this. I'm sure I have more questions, but I'll leave it at this for now. I'd love to hear from anyone who's been in the same place (my place or the guy I'm dating). It would mean a lot. Thanks so much. : ) SB.
×
×
  • Create New...