CR_19

The guy who gives me butterflies is not the one I got herpes from. The guy I got herpes from I honestly believe was one of the 80% who have it and wasn't aware. I'm sorry that you've had such reactions when you've disclosed. I've told my mom & a group of friends and no one has had an appalled reaction. Obviously, it's not an ideal situation but everyone's been okay. The only adverse reaction I can think of is of an older friend who was a bit judgmental about the situation that led me to get herpes in the first place. Her concern sometimes comes out as judgement and she's also judged our mutual friend for getting drunk & throwing up (which is life and we're 7 years younger than her so its different life stages). I'm going to pose a question if you wouldn't be willing to risk getting herpes for someone you love (even with chances being really low). Would you risk getting chicken pox? That's something a large percent of people get as a child and the virus is in the same family as herpes. Also once you get chicken pox, you'll have it for life. Your immune system will build up and you won't display any symptoms. But if you become stressed later in life or your immune systems becomes weak for some reason you can develop shingles as an adult. Shingles is from the chicken pox virus and it's extremely painful as being in that family of viruses it travels along nerves. Now the differences between herpes and shingles are 1. herpes is sexually transmitted and 2. shingles tends to be more painful. Herpes is just a kind of bothersome rash that may have a little pain associated. Shingles pain can be so bad that people are unable to work or leave the house until the flare up subsides. So the big difference is that there is shame around herpes because its related to sex because there are other viruses that have such a bigger impact on our lives than herpes.

Everyone reacts differently to finding out they have herpes and its been often said on this site that it resembles the stages of grief. Right now, you are angry and that's completely okay. Where you are at with this diagnosis flows and one day you may be okay while the next it's back to hurt. For me it been a year and I cannot even begin to list all the emotions I've gone through. Honestly, I'm still angry not that I have herpes but at my decisions. I know that I can't change the past and I'm working on forgiving myself. I think you've hit the nail on the head when you mentioned where you're from is uneducated, most of the U.S. population is very uneducated about sex. The sexual education I received when I was younger and through college (I'm 24) doesn't compare to the self educated I've had in the past year because of herpes. A large percentage of the sexual population has or has had HPV. HPV is known to cause warts but just like herpes it can hang out without any symptoms. Actually, most STD's can be asymptomatic so the person may have no idea what they're carrying around. HPV and herpes are just those that stick around a bit longer but besides the strains of HPV that can cause cervical cancer, these two pose no long term threat to your physical health. Now emotionally, that's a different story. We live in a very sexualized society that refuses to have frank and open conversations about sex. I understand the fear and apprehension about disclosing to someone. However, relationships are about trust and honesty; and in my opinion not telling someone you're 0 for 2. I can't say I've told a potential partner but I have told close friends and they've opened up to me with their own stories. I actually have a friend that has herpes and recently got married to a different guy than the one she got herpes from (her husband knows she has herpes). Rejection, yeah it could happen. It could happen cause she doesn't like how you behave around her friends, how you eat your food, that you have herpes, that you don't have glasses, or that you say caramel wrong. Also she could like you, not be thrilled that you have herpes but accept it cause being with you is a much bigger pro than herpes being a con. I've often thought about if a particular guy I liked told me he had herpes and what I would have done before I myself got it. It would have been a tough but I cared so much about him that without a doubt I would have accepted him. Maybe that's just me but herpes can't erase all the butterflies that I get when I think about him.

Please, I don't think you're reading what everyone is saying. No one is blaming you but just trying to make you see that what you're contemplating isn't healthy. I get hurt, anger, and loneliness. The guy I got this from also ignored me and pretended I didn't exist. He moved on like nothing happened and I was the one left to deal with this. There is much more to my story about how he hurt me and how now I'm left feeling broken and unlovable. Ironically, herpes only made me see all the other hurt so much more clearly and has been the easy part to deal with. Now if there's anyone that deserves posters and to feel regret its him. But if I were to do that then nothing in my life changes for the better. I'd still be alone and hurt. However, doing nothing also doesn't change my life. What has slowly changed my life is learning to love myself despite my flaws (something everyone is trying to make you see). I'm in a whole lot of hurt and pain but I still try my hardest everyday to love myself despite that. Its not easy and it isn't an immediate cure but it has helped. What I'm seeing right now with you is what I've experienced myself, you're so hurt that you can't see that the people here are trying to help you cause they genuinely care. We see the pain and we're trying to prevent you from causing more pain. Those posters might help your emotions for a bit but in the end they will add to the hurt. So he might deserve those posters for everyone to see but you don't deserve the hurt that would come after doing it.

I think that comment goes back to what has been said over and over, the stigma is worse than the "condition". I've been lucky in that the friends I've chosen to trust and tell have taken this as a learning opportunity for themselves. They're more educated and now know that anyone can have it or get it. This hasn't stopped individuals from engaging in risky sexual behaviors but I feel I've done my part in attempting to educate. As for being jealous, that was more true for me when I first found out I had herpes. Now after knowing the stats and living with it for almost a year, I just think some of my friends are part of the 80% who have it but are asymptomatic. I'm just part of the 20% that knows my status and I'd rather it be that way. Yeah it sucks having to have "the talk" but I'd rather have some know what they're getting into than pass it unknowingly to someone I care for. Its all what you decide what your perspective will be.

Well shingles and herpes simplex aren't different strains but different members of the same family. So in essence it's like comparing a gorilla and a chimpanzee, yes they're both monkeys but they have different characteristics and DNA. As for the Immunity Project, their method of creating the HIV vaccine seems interesting but we'll see how humans respond to it. However, I'm more impressed by them having it be an open source project and see more of a future in that, despite whether the HIV vaccine works or not.

I read the official study and although they appeared not to have outbreaks post 5 years, viral shedding was not examined. Also there was a control group but they were not given a placebo which is important for validating the results. Half of the individuals "cured" didn't bother to come back in to have titers done in the following years. Lastly, the key in diminishing outbreaks and shedding is an increased immune response (which means more antibodies) and there was no significant difference between the controls and the vaccinated. I don't mean to be down but I believe the reason this study hasn't gone anywhere is because the methods aren't quite what would be expected of a phase I drug trial. I've read several places on here people upset that there's nothing being done sooner but drug development isn't an easy task. Only within the last couple of years have treatments for hepatitis C come out and there seems not to be a vaccination in sight. It would be easy to assume that a vaccine for C would be easy to come up with since we have some for A and B. Luckily, hepatitis C isn't something that you come by too easily unless your sharing injected drugs. I don't want people to be holding out on a end all cure for herpes. Fortunately, it's not a life threatening condition but what that also means is that it isn't on the forefront of things that need to be accomplished soon.

Found this website that through images of individuals it address the fears and concerns we have. It allows the individual to define themselves through what they are not and one woman in particular captures the essence of this site. All these images are touching if you have time to go through them. http://www.whatibeproject.com/portfolio-item/i-am-not-my-baggage-2/

I don't know exactly where I'm at with those emotions. I went to a counselor for two months but I've recently moved so I won't be able to see anyone again until August. I'm actually attending the weekend this upcoming weekend so I guess that's a step but honestly the closer the date gets the more terrified I become.

Thank you ladies for your wonderful words of encouragement! I guess sometimes you need to just release whatever it is you're thinking. I'm pretty independent and it's hard realizing needing help from others won't take away that independence. I've gone up and down so many times in the past couple of months that its hard to see if at any point I'm actually beginning to heal. But I'm hoping that this will be a better start than the others. As for my friend, I don't believe he knew (not that he acknowledged anyways) but I don't blame him for it. Honestly, I have not known how to deal with what happened even before I found out I had herpes. I've just ignored it for the most part because there's so many emotions associated with that I don't know where to even begin. As for the "reflex to retreat", I definitely had that right after I posted it. I thought about deleting the post because it sounded stupid and pointless to me. However, the longer I left it up and not let my brain over-think things, the more I saw that it was fine and actually therapeutic in its own way. I've actually seen Brene's video before but seeing it again was a powerful reminder how scary it is to be vulnerable but how necessary it is to have a truly healthy life. I'm going to try to also brainwash myself with it ;) and see if it helps. Hugs!!

So I've had herpes for 4 months now and I've developed this fear of being vulnerable. I'm terrified that someone will find out this little secret I have and judge me based on it. However, I've realized this fear has always been present. I've just been really good for the most part of masking that fear. I've sat back for the past 4 months as people share themselves on here and I think "Wow, they're really courageous." Yet, I've been unable to post for fear that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. If I post it online, then I'm just asking for other to people to validate that I'm okay and I don't want them to think I'm needy. Well I'm done (I'm still terrified don't get me wrong) but I'm going to start being a little more open and real. You all are wonderful people and if there's one place I want to start being open it would be in such a supportive group. Well my story is one that brings along a lot of shame and pain (surprising right?). I wish I could say that as the months have gone by its become easier to deal with, however I don't dwell on it 100% of the time so I guess that's an improvement. there are a million things that scare me about the future, some directly due to this others indirectly. I guess the hardest part though is that I've never had to look at myself this closely and all I see is someone terrified. I don't know how I've even made it this far in life based on how scared I am on a daily basis. I can't even be transparent on here knowing that there's no judgement. Hopefully this will be step forward though, a little honesty and a bit of who I am.

Wow Effemmell, I really appreciate your courage to speak out about your ordeal. I really hope that he'll step up and talk to you. I understand the need for closure and wanting the other person just to do the right thing for once. Can I just say that there's an amazing difference in how you're dealing with this now compared to your earlier posts! The positivity on this forum is so ridiculously contagious! :-bd I know that all that pain is still there but just that step in admitting it exists has changed the views in your posts. I'm so excited to see you start to heal! Let me know what happens with this guy. Looking forward to healing together :) Hugs! CR_19

Thank you ladies!! I'm so lucky to have found this wonderfully supportive community so soon after my diagnosis. Reading your stories & experiences as well as talking to some other wonderful people in this community has really helped to not feel as alone. Sure there are those moments in which I forget about everyone else who has herpes and I feel alone but coming on here reminds me that others have not allowed it to define them so why should I? Everyone is truly inspirational!

So I've been having ups and downs in regards to my herpes diagnosis as of lately. Of course herpes has brought up some other insecurities in my life that I had never dealt with and now I have to face full on. However, one of the things that's had me feeding into negative feelings is my "relationship" with the guy who gave this to me. There was never an actual relationship between us but I thought he'd be more supportive. I've tried several times to meet up but he's backed out. Earlier this week I talked to Adrial about it and he said that I needed to take back the control. I'm allowing this guy to control my emotions and feelings. Reflecting on Adrial's comment I realized how true this is. There's more to the story with this guy but most of those other details have to do how he has been in control this whole time. So now to the baby step. I've deleted all his contact information out of my phone. There's no way to contact him and I'm claiming control. I'm focusing on how I can change my feelings about what happened and how I'm going to make myself okay. Obviously this won't change overnight but like I said it's a baby step. Just wanted to share that with y'all since it's the middle of the night and I just had an epiphany. Also a big thanks to Adrial, it took me a while but what you said finally hit me. Hopefully this will be a good step forward.

Sayyywhatt, I understand feeling alone and vulnerable. Although, its hard to see it when you've never physically seen any of the people from this forum, just know that everyone is here for you. I get really depressed at times since I found out I had herpes only a month ago. However, being on here and reading people's posts reminds me that I'm not going alone thru this. My doctor prescribed me Paxil, but I've decided that I'm better off dealing with my emotions on my own than trying to medicate them away. And yes, I get super depressed and will cry until I feel I cannot cry anymore but this reminds me that I'm going through my process and there will be a point where I will come out. I already see myself much less depressed than when I was first diagnosed. I can't say what your process was but it seems that you relied on your boyfriend to pull you out of the depression you first felt. It makes me think that it didn't allow you in a sense to come to terms with your diagnosis and allow you to love yourself. Loving yourself is important not only with dealing with herpes but in your recovery process. I know it seems like sh*t right now but maybe space & time to love yourself is what you need. Just understand it is a process and feeling depressed is alright but at some point you have to do something to pull yourself up. If you need to talk at anytime just message me. I may not have had HSV for long but I'm a great listener and sometimes all you need is someone to hear you out. BIG HUG!