Thank you Katie for your comments - I've had time to really think about this and the anxiety medication the Dr gave me is helping me get that fog out of my head so I can process this. I have gained some perspective on my situation -
Today begins my 4th week of my first GH OB. I am now really excepting this more and more. So a little more to maybe help others as I have found so much help in reading others stories.
Between 2005 and 2007 my life was a mess. My 20 year marriage was over and I was basically homeless. My first serious relationship after my divorce was with an abusive alcoholic that became unemployed after we moved in together and was not faithful. So, after 3 years of that, I had enough. In Aug. 2009 decided it was time for a change. I lost my job in June 2009 and decided to have STD (including Hsv1/2) testing done in Nov. 2009 (before my insurance lapsed). I knew I was HSV1+ and took all precautions not to spread this. I moved to a new state in Dec. 2009 and had a few encounters (protection used).
In Aug. 2010 I met and fell in love with my BF (he’s 35, I’m 45). And we moved in together almost immediately. He got tested in 2007 by this state’s prison system when he entered and was neg for everything. I was the first and only woman he has been with since he was released in Aug. 2010 (his mother backs this story). We have only had unprotected sex. We did have a 3rd sexual partner after we got together that I recently found out has GH symptoms but never got tested. I have no doubt this came from her. But it doesn’t matter really.
After diagnosing myself with GH before seeing a provider 3 weeks ago, I was hysterical. After seeing my provider for a follow-up, it was confirmed. I am NOW HSV1+/HSV2+. I can remember hysterically crying that my BF of 3 years was going to leave (and I can’t say as I would blame him). I think he considered it. As I left the house to get my results hysterically crying I said, “OMG, I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!”
I went through 3 days of just crying, then out of the blue, this man came over to me and held me. He pulled me back and asked me what was wrong. I told him I loved him and I was so scared he was going to leave and that I was so very sorry this was happening. Right then and there he pulled me back and said “Look at me. I love you with all of my heart. I am not going anywhere. I am right here and will always be here. We will get through this as we have gotten through every other bump. This is just life baby. You can’t fight life. You can only make the best of what life throws you.” He went on to say that even if he does test neg. he still isn’t leaving. He goes for his test this Tuesday.
Even though I really could not afford to take time off from my job, I mean I REALLY CAN'T AFFORD IT. I did it anyway. JUST FOR ME! I am taking time to process this and to heal my body because I am still in pain and my mind. I am taking time to regain my positive way of thinking, instead of trying to place blame or feel guilty or sorry for myself because I am HSV1/2+. I am still a strong woman and I have overcome a lot more in my life. This will not change who I am. It will however change who I become.
There is still a possibility that my BF changes his mind especially if he does test neg. However, if that does happen, Guess what? I am still going to be fine. I am still going to live my life because I am still ME! And I am the only one that has control over me. No one person, No disease, No infection, Nothing has control over me unless I give it control. I love myself regardless of wither others love me or not.
I am so very thankful that I have support from this man whom never ceases to amaze me. Every moment I fall deeper in love with him. But he doesn't make me who I am. My journey down life's road has taken a side path and that path will take me back to that main road again so I can resume my journey. I have dealt with the stigma of being bipolar since I was 16. I have been rejected by plenty of men after disclosing this. It didn't take my illness away. But I did see how shallow people can really be. I found over the years of dealing with bipolar positive thinking is a benefit that has helped me more than any medication. And over time I am sure I will go with a more holistic approach when dealing with my herpes but today, I chose to deal with the present. I am in less pain than I have been in 3 weeks. I am still alive and I am still able to look myself in the mirror and say out loud, "Today you may look a little rough, but you are still beautiful and I love you."