Beckie

Hi everyone, I'm officially back home and reflecting on my life-changing experience at the Herpes Opportunity weekend. http://thehopp.com I had gone down to Raleigh full of hope, anticipation, excitement, and a little bit of nervousness....overall, feeling like I'd come really far in my process with herpes and self-love and, for the most part, this was going to be a personal celebration and, hopefully, an opportunity to meet some beautiful new people. Ultimately, I had no idea how deep this weekend was going to go, both personally and in terms of how I would be able to connect with other people. I experienced a depth of connection that I haven't experienced this far in my life. With, for the most part, complete strangers. We bared our souls to each other, and were held tenderly, with compassionate love. I gazed into the eyes of a man, and for the first time, felt seen and appreciated for who I truly am, without any sexual undertones or hidden agenda. I connected deeply to soul sisters, and experienced a respect and admiration that filled my heart with appreciation for life. I have new ideas around who I am and why I'm here, and people and resources have appeared to help me. I have new tools for connecting with other people in my life, and I know now how to bring more of myself to those interactions. And maybe most exciting, and humbling, is how this weekend and the people I met have helped me to see myself for who I truly am. This is a true gift. I'm still in awe and know I need more time to soak in the true magnitude of this shift for me. Ultimately, this weekend had very little to do with herpes. I would highly, HIGHLY recommend that anyone considering being a participant next time give yourself this gift and say YES. You will not regret it. With love, Beckie

I'm looking forward to meeting you too! We're in this together :)

Yay you! That's awesome you overrode your initial thoughts to delete your post! Isn't it amazing how hard we are on ourselves? "Stupid"? "Pointless"? The things we tell ourselves are so powerful! It's no wonder so many of us hold ourselves back, convincing ourselves that we're not good enough. At what magical point would we ever BE good enough with our ego running the show? All that aside, where are you at with those emotions associated with how things played out with your friend? I understand it's complex. Have you considered going to see a counsellor or someone else who can help you start to sort through all of that? Take it from someone who is a master at the shove-down...you don't want to do that! If you're overwhelmed with unresolved emotions because of what played out, it's really in your best interest to start to look at it, with someone you trust, as soon as you can. Much love to you, Beckie :)

LOVING the quotes on this post...thank you!! :D

HereComesTheSun, your name has made my day! I LOVE that song...here's a link to a George Harrison montage :) Mucho loveo! Beckie

Hey CR_19! So nice to hear from you! I know what a huge step it is to come out on these forums....sometimes it can take every ounce of courage we can muster. But you did it! That's honestly the hardest part. Becoming honest with yourself about how much pain you're in, and sharing yourself vulnerably here is the start of an amazing transformation. The key is to keep sharing. Once we put ourselves out there, I think there can be a reflex to almost retreat afterwards....like we do it, and then think "What the hell was I thinking?!" Hehe ;) Keep sharing and you're going to find those walls slowly starting to come down. Have you had a chance to watch Brene Brown's video on the Power of Vulnerability? It's incredible. I seriously watched it over and over again....I needed to brainwash myself with it's truth. We want to hide from being vulnerable, and yet everything we want is on the other side being vulnerable. Just one of life's interesting paradoxes. Here's the link if you haven't seen it: http://herpeslife.com/brene-brown-authenticity-connection-vulnerability-shame-guilt-herpes Much love to you!!!! Beckie :)

Thanks for the post! :)

Hear, hear! Thank you for this inspiring post! I can absolutely relate to this, especially the part about finding it hard to assert accomplishments and abilities. And it's a real bugger. In attempts to be humble and not full of ego, many of us dull our light...to the point where we don't have a foggy clue who we really are (in all our awesomeness) because we've done such a damn good job of blocking it. Talk about going up the creek without a paddle. How do we expect to be the highest expression of who we are if we can't even let OURSELVES know the truth? This is reminding me of one of my favourite quotes of all time by Marianne Williamson: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ----from A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and encouragement. Much love to you! xo Beckie

HofG, I love your honesty (and the quotes you share...they are so awesome). And I can empathize with those days where you feel like it's just too heavy and you wanna get off the ride already. I know I've found it fairly shocking to discover how many layers of self-loathing, shame, guilt, self-doubt, etc... can be unlocked through this experience. Like, how were we even able to walk around with so much crap weighing us down, right?! But you're doing it! You've chosen the healing path....otherwise, you wouldn't even be on this forum. Take comfort in knowing you're not alone....we all have good days and not-so-stellar days . The key is having some tools in your tool belt to help you through the rougher ones (like this forum ;) ). Sending you a big ol' virtual hug! xo Beckie

Hey Lioness (LOVE the name btw:), As far as I know, antibodies start to develop right after contraction, so it would seem likely that you did get it from your ex if there were no antibodies present during your first outbreak. If anyone else has more info on this, jump in! And regarding your second question, Adrial wrote a blog that talks about this: "Worried about spreading it to other parts of your body? Based on my experience and everything I’ve heard from the medical community and people in the support group, it’s difficult to spread herpes manually from one part of the body to another. It is possible, but it’s hard to do. Keep in mind that for some people, the virus shows up in the exact same spot for every herpes outbreak, while for other people, their outbreaks move around a bit (the virus might use a different nerve system/”herpes highway” to get to the surface of the skin). For those where it moves around a bit, this is most likely not because of anything you’ve done. In order for you to manually move the virus to other parts of your body, you’ll have to transfer the fluid from within a herpes sore to another part of your body that has an opening (a cut, a mucous membrane). And because of the rapid breakdown of the herpes virus in open air, this would have to be done with ninja-like swiftness. But if you have any sort of paranoia, simply wash your hands after touching any herpes sore and you’re definitely home-free." http://herpeslife.com/how-can-you-get-herpes/#/vanilla/discussion/embed/?vanilla_discussion_id=0 Hugs! Beckie :)

Hey C! Hope you got my response to your private message. In addition to that, one of the big things that I hear going on for you is that you're taking on more than your share of the responsibility for your partner getting H (which I can completely relate to). You stated that "we" decided to take the risk recently by not using a condom. If there was mutual consent to that, then your partner is making a free will choice to take that risk of possibly getting H. And if you're on suppressive meds, that's only a 2% risk of transmission (and that's without a condom....with a condom too it's only a 1% chance). This awesome handout gives a bunch of other great stats and info: http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout I empathize with the torturous thoughts that you're thinking right now....you can only see negative outcomes because of this. The problem is that whole thing about self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that he's going to be frustrated about the sex, you're contributing to the energy of that situation playing out. Similarly, if you think it's just a matter of time before he decides to leave you, you're also contributing energy to that play-out. You've found a really wonderful resource here to help you change your thoughts about this whole thing. H doesn't have to lead to all these painful outcomes we tell ourselves are inevitable. Ironically, this guy being so wonderful and loving to you has brought up all the unworthiness that's within you....all those parts of you that don't believe you deserve unconditional love. This really is an opportunity to annihilate those records that have been playing in your head (on some unconscious level) and holding you back in ways you never even realized. Regardless of what happens with this guy, this is a really amazing opportunity for you to tap into the awesome self-love that is your birthright. Sending you love and big hugs, Beckie :)

Welcome CL! I can relate to the situation you experienced with your ex. I had my initial outbreak during a long-term relationship, and we did a good job of shoving down the emotions while we were together, but during the breakup a lot of stuff came back up to the surface. He went to speak with a nurse who told him there was no way he could have herpes because he never had an outbreak (just another example of the misinformation out there within the medical profession). He ran with that...there was no way he had it and no way he gave it to me. At one point, we had a heated discussion when I suggested he tell any future partners that he'd had unprotected sex for 3 years with someone who'd had genital herpes. It wasn't a very pretty ending. So I empathize. You're not alone. Much love, Beckie

News story about the HPV vaccine and its surprising success: http://www.cbc.ca/player/News/World/ID/2392608817/

I think about this often. During one of our discussions, Adrial described the stages of disclosure that he's gone through, and I really get that for myself. I took a big step with the YouTube video - if people want to find this out about me now, they can. But am I bringing it up in conversations at work? Not yet. I've been so close on a number of occasions, but it just hasn't come out. My family and close friends all know, but I can sense telling my co-workers may lead to new opportunities....and I guess I haven't been ready for that one. So yeah, on some level, I haven't been ready for everyone to know. But I really want to get there. And I'm hopeful that the H Opp weekend will be just the remedy for getting me over this hump. Thanks for bringing this up for discussion...it's good to type out how I'm feeling about it all. Hugs!! Beckie :)

Super heartwarming...thanks for sharing!! :)