anette14_99

@Dave I agree, I'm always debating about disclosure. A good friend of mine who is a highly educated nurse and has worked in the medical field for several years and has many friends/coworkers who are GHSV+ all agree that disclosure doesn't need to happen before sex. Her opinion? Take meds, use condoms, abstain during outbreaks, and don't disclose until well into relationship territory.

Hello, I'm a 32yo female also with HSV1. I was diagnosed when I was 22 and like you, I suspect I contracted it the same way. It sounds like what you're describing is something casual that has the potential to be more serious. It also sounds like you might be debating whether you actually want to have the talk with him or not. Tell me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you're at that spot where you could disclose and open yourself up to the possibility of rejection. OR, you could not disclose and let this situation run it's course and fizzle out without having to deal with the possibility of him being too immature to handle the info. Based on what you described I've personally been in this same spot several times and it's right about at this point when I disclose. So, if you decide to go for it- before you have the talk, gather as much information as you can. I have found that this website has a lot of great resources and solid information. Also, how are you feeling about having to say something? Of course it's not a fun conversation, but if you're incredibly dreading it that could be telling. I personally found that every time I disclosed it got easier and I was more relaxed about it and most of my partners were also relaxed about receiving that information (my friend says I was lucky though as she's not had such success). I had a rejection last year that was pretty tough, but then the guy came back around SEVEN months later, but by then I had definitely had enough time to realize he was just a big jerk and nothing came of it. I say, it's important to be calm about delivering the information and likely they will be too. If you approach it like you're about to say some bad news, guess what- it'll be received as bad news! Honestly, with HSV1 as a female, its pretty unlikely you're passing it on. I'm sure you've done this already but if you go to the 'disclosing' thread on here, there's lots of great tips and info. Best of luck!

I've had HSV1 genitally for over ten years now and I honestly don't remember the last time I had an outbreak- but no, my obs don't look/feel like what you're describing. It sounds like what you're describing is an ingrown hair.

@hdawg, you sound like such a wonderful person. You're owning up to your experience, and a lot of people would run or sweep it under the rug. You are a brave person and it takes a lot of guts to go through this. I know you're going to meet someone who is worthy of the kind of person you are someday. Thanks again everyone, happy hunting :)

It sounds like you don't have the full picture yet of your HSV status, get tested to find out if it's type 1 or 2. Once you have all of the information, you can be at least somewhat more confident in your delivery of disclosing which will also make your potential partner more at ease once you know all of the facts. As for her reaction, it sounds like she may need time to think about the risk of sleeping with you or pursuing a relationship. It's possible that this could be a deal breaker. Either way, it's best to give space during this time. If she comes back, you know it's meant to be. If not, then she would've run from something else if it wasn't the H. I've also had a recent rejection due to my HSV1+ status, and I can totally relate to that feeling in your stomach and feeling like you think they MUST think you're dirty or have this disgusting disease. It's tough when that happens and you really like the person. But it's typically more to do with the other person than it is with you. As for the encounters with hookers, I believe if an std subject is brought up prior to the act, they should be well prepared to provide any paperwork or facts about their own status as well. You should also protect yourself and exchange that sort of information with them, they should be prepared to discuss. Educate yourself and take all the preventative measures.

The thing that hurts very badly about disclosing and then having the person 'ghost' you or never speak to you again, is that you share something so very personal with them. As for the pain that is inflicted when that happens, as I have now experienced and so has @hdawg and others, it just really really feels terrible to share that information with someone only to have them never speak to you again. And it's a feeling that you can't ever illustrate for that other person. It's like having a scar that you're ashamed of, showing that other person, and having them say 'that's disgusting and something I can't accept'. It's like they take your secret and run away with it! Come to think of it though, it's probably more a reflection of that other person. On a psychological level, they aren't willing to face up to their own scars. Maybe I'm diverging or getting too deep... @hippyherpy I admire your approach to casual sex and disclosing. Many don't follow the same path and I plan on changing my approach moving forward. @optimist again you're very right about people probably just blocking it out of their mind and telling themselves that if they chose the right people to sleep with, everything will be fine. During our disclosure talk, he did mention that his previous 'date' had said her roommate also had h, and he seemed to be processing the fact that a lot of people do have it. @wcsdancer2010 Overall though, yes it comes down to one huge thing - STIGMA. The social construct and illusion that the virus is some terrible, awful thing reserved for the promiscuous. I personally think all of that is total bullshit and so did my past encounters. The irony is that this experience has opened my eyes to the fact that there are many ignorant people out there. I've already considered becoming more open about my status and sharing my story with others (not just sex partners). Before this happened, it was honestly a hush-hush sort of topic with me. I probably won't be putting up a sign anywhere or flying an h flag anytime soon ;) but sharing my story means other people hearing my story. Its a small step!

Thank you all for your feedback and insight. You have helped me immensely. Just to clear up something I didn't make super clear in my original post- yes, we had casual sex with eachother several times, then disclosed, then still had sex on that same night. @optimist you've definitely hit the nail on the head! I'm a very conceptual type thinker and your comment is just plain logic and clear. It makes total sense. From what I know of the guy, it fits his personality type to have that thought process. Like I said, I've been lucky with disclosing in the past. Come to think of it, every guy I've dated before was more of a laid-back type and I didn't feel too awful or uncomfortable telling any of them. Of course it's always a little nerve-wracking. From what I've read around on this site, it's usually a 'sign' when you're over-thinking and very much dreading the talk. And I noticed that's how it was with this guy, it was on my mind more than it was with previous partners. I wasn't as comfortable with this current partner, and obviously, he clearly stated out loud that finding out about an std with a previous encounter was a deal breaker for him. Both of those combined goes to show that he's obviously not someone for me to see anymore. I was overly apologetic with him, and no boyfriend in the past ever made me feel that way. I know myself, and I think I would've got a little too caught up with him and it would've ended anyway. I'm glad it ended sooner than later. Unfortunately it came down on behalf of my own misgivings, but the more I think about it, the less guilt I feel. This experience has brought up a lot of conversation recently amongst close friends and we've asked ourselves, isn't engaging in casual sex pretty risky? Period? In this culture at least, I don't know anyone who has an std talk in a casual sex setting. I'm not saying it's right, and I now know why it's best to be transparent and up front. But we both made that choice together, I took a risk in sleeping with him too. @Hdawg Thank you for your kind words, it's nice to know I'm not alone @wcsdancer... Yes, I have learned over the years to NOT take my sister's advice anymore about this or anything really haha. A million thank yous for your reply. You have no idea how much it has helped me.

Yes, I disclosed to him, and he had a mixed reaction. We did however, still have sex that night. The next day I did hear from him, just a check-in type text. Then a few days later I reached out because I was feeling bad and wanted to reiterate an apology. My gut was telling me that something was off. He did respond, very cooly (like I mentioned) and I haven't heard a peep from him since (about two weeks). Before disclosing, he checked in every few days and very sweetly. There was some other confusing behavior from him... he kind of messed with my head honestly but that's another story! I think it's the combination of other factors plus my virus. Probably just the final straw for him to peace out is my guess. It just happened so suddenly. What's your opinion? The age old dilemma of trying to decode male behavior... :)

Hello all, I’m new here but I have had HSV1 for almost 10 years. (31/F) I wanted to share my story for my own clarity, (it helps to write things out) and for general support, and to possibly have my story mean something for someone else. When I was 22 I had met someone that I was seeing casually. We hung out for a few weeks, and we always used protection during sex. At this time, he was only the 3rd person I had ever slept with. We ended things pretty quickly as I found out he was still talking to and possibly sleeping with his ex girlfriend. Flash forward six months and I’m seeing someone new, more serious this time. This new boyfriend of mine, we kind of fought a lot so we were on and off. During one of our ‘off’ times, I discovered my first outbreak. I went through the usual emotions and instantly thought I had gotten it from him. We had the talk, he went and got tested. His results were negative. Due to my logic that I won’t write out here, I know I got it from previous casual guy. He may have only had it orally for all i know, since it’s HSV1. Back to on again off again bf, we ended up together for two years. From my own research, I’ve read that the first one or two years of contracting h, is when you’re most contagious. I was on birth control and that boyfriend and I had unprotected sex for years. We eventually broke up, but remained friends. Six months later, he came to me and said he got fully tested for all std’s (not just the standard std test) and his results for h came back negative. I never gave it to him! Hurray! I honestly only discovered this website within the past few weeks. When I was diagnosed with h, due to my own fault, I never had any serious discussions or resources about disclosure. My resources were within my family (I have a big family and both a brother and sister have h) and a few close friends of mine. My older sister always advised me to use protection, and never tell anyone about my virus unless it was someone I was going to be in a serious relationship with. I disagreed with her. She and I would get into arguments about it, and she would just yell at me “quit telling your temporary boyfriends about this!” Over the past 7-8 years, I’ve had a few serious relationships, I’ve had some casual relationships, and some very brief sexual encounters. Of all the past men I’ve dated, not a single one of them ever rejected me because of my virus, until recently which I will get to. On top of that, I never even told any one of them about until after I’ve had sex with them! I even had one boyfriend literally shrug when I told him, and he said “I feel like a lot of people wouldn’t say anything, so thanks for telling me”.(!) I feel like I was never fully informed about a proper, good, positive way to go about disclosing. And I take responsibility for that. But to be honest, it was never a big deal to me. It was never a big deal for my sister. And clearly, it was never a big deal for any past relationships. And from what I know, not a single ex has ever contracted h from me. After 10 years of this experience, and very VERY few outbreaks, the virus just doesn’t bother me. At all. The biggest thing about the virus, is letting people know you have it. That’s it. Doesn’t seem fair. I will say, and I am not proud to admit it, that I have slept with a few people whom I did not tell about my condition. These people were either one night stands, or someone I only saw a few times. These situations were very fleeting and very ‘in the moment’ type of encounters. It was fun, and considering my experiences, I just didn’t see it as a big deal to not disclose. Women have a harder time giving it to men, I never gave it to anyone before, I always use condoms, so it’s fine. That’s what I told myself. Recently I met a guy who just moved to my city. Right off the bat, he wanted to establish something casual which I agreed to. We are both in positions in life where we don’t want a relationship. It was confusing being with him though, because he would text me almost every day - really sweet things, heart emojis, kisses. He would tell me he missed me and was thinking about me. Last time I checked, that’s not typical casual sex behavior. But at the same time, I did end up liking him. One night, he brought up a previous situation where a girl he was considering sleeping with told him she had h. And he decided not to see her anymore. I froze. I didn’t know what to say and for the entire week after that I was silently freaking out about what to do. I knew I had to tell him. Subconsciously and not-so-subconsciously, I knew he was going to run. So of course, the talk didn’t go as well as I had experienced before. He didn’t freak out, he stayed over and we actually slept together that night. I thought I was in the ‘clear’ (bad pun :P) he texted me really sweet things again, and the next day I did hear from him. However, a few more days went by and I started to get that sinking feeling in your stomach. I sent him a long text about how it had been on my mind. And he sent a very lukewarm response and ‘take care’. Yikes! The biggest thing that’s been on my mind, is that I didn’t give him the choice to make for himself to sleep with me or not, knowing my condition. I have really been beating myself up about it. Not to mention, rejection stings. It is with this current encounter that I’ve finally searched and come to the conclusion that I need to face up to what it is I have, and to be more responsible moving forward. Ten years after the fact! This situation has been a little tough for me, and I feel like this problem has been hibernating in my mind for all this time and has finally woken up. At the expense of another person, which is the worst part. Granted, we did agree to engage in casual sex without having an std talk first. But now I’m stuck with this guilt and heartache. I’m thankful that I’m learning and growing from this. I hope my story can save others from a similar situation.