julia_l

I just uploaded this to another thread (Three Successes, One Failure) but I want to makes sure it doesn’t get lost in that long thread. I used to read about failed disclosures and think, is that person going to be lonely for years and is that going to happen to me? Well, we often forget to come back and post about what’s happening a few months later. In April, I wrote this thread (but since changed my user name to julia_l ) and was devastated because I thought I lost someone to H, was so sad at the look of disgust on his face when I told him I and felt terrible. After that I decided to take action, not give up, and get coaching from Adrial. I asked (and he accommodated) to spread my coaching out over a few months so I could use it as needed and when disclosure time came. I had a coaching session right before a disclosure and it helped give me the courage to do it. I have decided only to disclose in person (not by text, email etc) because I think it’s more connecting, makes you look more confident and you can gauge the reaction. I have never disclosed in person (only phone, email) and I was terrified. However, it was a complete success. By way of background, I’m in my 40’s and dating a brilliant doctor (surgeon) in one of the large, metropolitan cities. As I was driving over to his house, I thought, maybe I’ll just tell him I don’t want a relationship so I don’t have to disclose, maybe I just won’t disclose tonight etc. I waited until after dinner, when we were sitting outside and it was a bit dark, which made it easier on me, so I didn’t have to blurt it out under bright lights. I have the HSV2 antibody and no symptoms. I’ve decided to use the term HSV, which sounds so much better than herpes, which I really dislike saying. I simply said, I have the antibody for HSV and I wonder how you feel about that. He was calm and the first thing he said was “it’s common”, we talked about safe sex and he mentioned another woman he dated disclosed to him that she had HPV. Then he said something funny like “when I end up staying with the person for the long term I guess we will just pass these antibodies back and forth” . At the end, he said “Well that was a very grown up conversation we just had”. After that I had a lovely evening with him and slept over and he was very complimentary all night along with a very romantic text the next day asking me out again. I feel strongly that if you are a happy, confident person you can move through life and love with H without a problem. But my advice is that you must have a positive attitude, be happy with yourself and the confidence to disclose calmly and lovingly. Also, work on not being bitter or anxious about having H. I was never bitter, but had to work on not being anxious about it. There are far worse things that can happen to you and if you can accept it, enjoy your life and summon the courage to disclose, you may well end up with a kinder, more loving, more sophisticated and compassionate person than you would have otherwise. Once in a while you will get a rejection, but you may find (as I did) that the rejection was due to the fact that the person was not as compassionate or emotionally mature as you would like them to be. And, it’s also in the way you deliver it. I had coaching before this one so I practiced role playing and didn’t over speak and I was very careful to allow my date share his opinions with me. You have to strike a balance between confident but not defensive and come across as loving and mature. For my failed disclosure I just kept talking and had a one way conversation because I was so nervous. Another point of note: After my failed disclosure, I also opened up to all my friends and (because we’re all in our 40s) everyone had known or dated someone with H. I even asked my skin (laser) doctor if she knew anyone with HSV and she said, yes, my husband). Good luck everyone!

I’M AMENDING THIS TO FOUR SUCCESS and One FAILURE: I used to read about failed disclosures and think, is that person going to be lonely for years and is that going to happen to me? Well, we often forget to come back and post about what’s happening a few months later. In April, I wrote this thread (but since changed my user name to julia_l ) and was devastated because I thought I lost someone to H, was so sad at the look of disgust on his face when I told him I and felt terrible. After that I decided to take action, not give up, and get coaching from Adrial. I asked (and he accommodated) to spread my coaching out over a few months so I could use it as needed and when disclosure time came. I had a coaching session right before a disclosure and it helped give me the courage to do it. I have decided only to disclose in person (not by text, email etc) because I think it’s more connecting, makes you look more confident and you can gauge the reaction. I have never disclosed in person (only phone, email) and I was terrified. However, it was a complete success. By way of background, I’m in my 40’s and dating a brilliant doctor (surgeon) in one of the large, metropolitan cities. As I was driving over to his house, I thought, maybe I’ll just tell him I don’t want a relationship so I don’t have to disclose, maybe I just won’t disclose tonight etc. I waited until after dinner, when we were sitting outside and it was a bit dark, which made it easier on me, so I didn’t have to blurt it out under bright lights. I have the HSV2 antibody and no symptoms. I’ve decided to use the term HSV, which sounds so much better than herpes, which I really dislike saying. I simply said, I have the antibody for HSV and I wonder how you feel about that. He was calm and the first thing he said was “it’s common”, we talked about safe sex and he mentioned another woman he dated disclosed to him that she had HPV. Then he said something funny like “when I end up staying with the person for the long term I guess we will just pass these antibodies back and forth” . At the end, he said “Well that was a very grown up conversation we just had”. After that I had a lovely evening with him and slept over and he was very complimentary all night along with a very romantic text the next day asking me out again. I feel strongly that if you are a happy, confident person you can move through life and love with H without a problem. But my advice is that you must have a positive attitude, be happy with yourself and the confidence to disclose calmly and lovingly. Also, work on not being bitter or anxious about having H. I was never bitter, but had to work on not being anxious about it. There are far worse things that can happen to you and if you can accept it, enjoy your life and summon the courage to disclose, you may well end up with a kinder, more loving, more sophisticated and compassionate person than you would have otherwise. Once in a while you will get a rejection, but you may find (as I did) that the rejection was due to the fact that the person was not as compassionate or emotionally mature as you would like them to be. And, it’s also in the way you deliver it. I had coaching before this one so I practiced role playing and didn’t over speak and I was very careful to allow my date share his opinions with me. You have to strike a balance between confident but not defensive and come across as loving and mature. For my failed disclosure I just kept talking and had a one way conversation because I was so nervous. Another point of note: After my failed disclosure, I also opened up to all my friends and (because we’re all in our 40s) everyone had known or dated someone with H. I even asked my skin (laser) doctor if she knew anyone with HSV and she said, yes, my husband). Good luck everyone!

Thanks for posting. Very nice. I will use some of this. I might have excluded links at first as it might be too much to absorb? How did it work out?

Hi, I accidentally posted a reply on the Rejection Tines a Three thread. Can you please read my post there?

Oh sorry, this reply was for another rejection post.

Hi, I'm not sure how old you are but wanted to let you know that I'm in my forties and two friends have been recently diagnosed with cancer related to HPV. Both are professional (lawyer, IT professional) One is a woman with cervical cancer (99% of cervical cancers are caused by HPV infections earlier in life). One is a male who is recently diagnosed and doc said it looks like a form of throat cancer caused by HPV. Please, please do your research because HPV does cause cancer. There is a vaccine you can get even if your older than 26 yrs old that may prevent the strain of HPV your date has, but find out what strain it is and if the vaccine will prevent.

I've seen people on H sites that I know in my area who are very educated and successful. You'd be surprised.

I'm on all dating sites by the way both H sites and non H sites. I think it's important for us all to go on H sites because by shunning them ( not me, no way) we are propelling the stigma.

This just happened to me in April. My person also really liked me and I think he is a great guy, too. It hurts a lot but it's better to accept it and do the best you can to let it go. It's awful watching someone start to fall for you and run in the other direction when you tell them, but we need give strong and keep moving forward.

Hi, I am looking to meet men in Boston in there 40s and 50s for friendship and to give and receive support. Thanks!

Take a breath and a break. Don't put it on the dating sites. You need to bond with someone before telling them. And it's far batter to tell them in person. Keep it light on the dating sites.

I hope everything is going ok for you.

What links did you give him? I'd like to know where to send someone to give them information.

Sorry typo with the word lie, it's low

I agree with optimist about not talking about it too much but one thing I make sure to weave in is that they will be protected and transmission rates are 1-4 percent. Men process those lie transmission rates well.