WHO78

Thank you both for your very kind and supportive comments. I greatly appreciate it. I have been surprised by how deepy this has both hurt and disappointed me. I thought I had developed a thicker skin over the last decade, but just goes to show that every conversation like every relationship is different. I just need to put this in perspective, which I hope happens soon! :-)

I'd like to start by saying that I am new to this site, but not new to herpes. I caught it when I was 24 and have had it for 10 years with very rare and infrequent re-occurrences. I have told my partners over the last 10 years, however scared I was, and found I have survived the majority of these "talks" intact. However, I have been single for the last year and a half and have only recently wanted to start dating again, which of course has led to having to have "the herpes talk" again, which like everyone I dread. I chose to try online dating to help try and filter out people who are just looking to get laid or play games, and low and behold after a few weeks and a few dates I met someone I thought quite special. We have been dating for a month and I found myself surprised and happy to be dating someone so keen on communication and honesty. We have spent the days writing and the evenings either meeting or talking on the phone. It became clear very quickly that we had a great deal of chemistry and that our physical attraction were very strong. I don't know how things are in the USA, but in the UK and in London (where I live) in particular promiscuity is very big and isn't looked on as the worst thing you can do, whether you are male or female. It became clear that I had to say something soon if I was going to say something before sleeping with him (which I would not have done) or risk him asking me what was wrong with me, which is not how I wanted the herpes conversation to be started. I chose to tell him at the beginning of last week and I made it clear that herpes as had almost no effect on my life, has been easily managed and is of no great worry or concern to me and hasn't been with partners who have cared for me, but that I felt I had to let him know before this continued any further. After a few questions, he informed me that he had caught genital warts at Univesity (also about a decade ago), but that he was lucky as he was symptom free and couldn't pass it on. He also indicated he was fine about it and wanted to carry on dating me. The following day he booked in two further dates for that week and continued as enthusiastically lovingly as before in his writing and calling. When I returned home from the date, I did what any sensible person should do and I researched genital warts, only to find out that what he told me about transmission and not being able to pass it on was not entirely correct. As lucky as he is to be symptom free he can pass it on to a partner through skin to skin contact, just like herpes. It is fate or genes or whatever that decides whether his partner displays symptoms or not, not whether he has symptoms or not. However, I made a decision to be rational about this and look at the person and the relationship we were having and not to allow myself to judge anyone given what I have gone through with herpes. I therefore decided not to let his condition stand in the way of my feelings for him. During last week we talked and agreed that he would stay the weekend at mine and we had a lovely date going to the Chocolate Festival in London on Saturday and then headed back to mine to cook a meal together. We slept together and, sad sap that I am, I was profoundly touched by his enthusiasm and attraction to me. We did have lovely weekend and when he eventually went home on Sunday we continued to chat in the evening. Somehow, call it a sixth sense or female intuition I woke up on Monday knowing something wasn't right. He did write during the day, but it was stilted and not fluid as previous conversations had been. He told me hadn't slept all night and that he wasn't in the best mood. It wasn't until the evening that he told me that was having, as he put it a "minor freak out" about the herpes. I immediately wrote back suggesting we talk on the phone and discuss it and asked him what he wanted to do about his freak out. He told me he thought he needed time, that he hasn't been able to sleep because he was panicking about it, etc. I told him that I was trying to understand, but that he also had something that I had had to think about and decide whether I wanted to continue seeing him. This he rejected out of hand saying it wasn't the same as herpes and I was safe. Yesterday, I told him that I wasn't sure this was going to work if he was scared of me and was making me feel so terrible about things and that life throws many difficulties our way and I need someone in my life who won't panic over something as mundane as herpes is in comparison. He told me that he was sorry, but he couldn't see this working as he was completely freaked out about it and hadn't been able to relax having sex. etc. And despite ten years of living with this and having to have these conversations and having been rejected beforehand, I am taking this rather badly. I'd really appreciate any comments, ideas or suggestions. Thank you :)