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Akin

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  1. Thank you for your response, @optimist. This response comes very, very late. Hopefully you are still on this site. I suppose these are just the assumptions that I have, and it is my own mentality I have to change. It is for sure the stigma that is the hardest part. I feel like there are far more people than we know that probably do have some form of H, but without knowing, and not knowing how common it is, people think it's only sexually promiscuous or irresponsible people that get it. And that not the case. I have practiced safe sex, and been responsible about getting checked, but it still happened. From your experience, what have you found as the best way to approach the subject with a prospective partner? How do you approach people talking about it negatively? And what finally made you feel "ok" about having it? I'm trying to finally start taking the steps to have a "normal" sex life, and feel comfortable talking about it. Up until now I've been mostly just avoiding dating and getting close to people, to avoid having to talk about it. But it's obviously going to get me nowhere . I hope to hear back from you :)
  2. Hey! I'm a 26 y/o female living in Vancouver, Canada, and was diagnosed with HSV2 almost 2 years ago now. Experiencing the highs and lows that come with this knowledge, but remaining optimistic. i am hoping to start taking the steps to truly accept that this is a part of me now, and learn how to live comfortably with it and learn how to disclose/harbour healthy relationships.. I feel like I've been avoiding this for quite sometime, due to the crippling fear of rejection. But I can't live like that forever. If you want to chat, to know you're not alone, and to help each other through this, let me know :)
  3. Looking for a 20+ year old male/female in the greater Vancouver , BC area to talk to. I am a 26 year old female living in van looking for someone to talk to, and want to give support. <3
  4. I hear you, @Dave. It gets such a bad rep. Since finding out I have it, I have begun noticing so much more how stigmatized it really is. Everyone talking about it like it is the end of the world if you get it, how it is somehow the worst thing that you can have. Merely because you can not get rid of it, and unfortunately it is contagious. It's hard to deal with when I hear about far worse things from people, things they have done or otherwise, but somehow feel like having H would still trump all of them. Which should not be the case. We shouldn't have to feel so guilty about something that is so common. I still struggle a lot with not feeling comfotable, but so desperately wanting to just be open about my H without being labeled as something negative, or "off limits" sexually or physically. I know these are probably my own thoughts, but have already encountered so many people in my own life, that have warned me about pursuing other people because you "never know what they may have, or what you could catch from them", while it is really myself who is worried about being that person..
  5. I've noticed a lot lately that so many people I have encountered have had FAR more sexual encounters than myself , some rarely using protection, and either not knowing they have H or really don't have H, while I've only had 5 sexual partners, and have always been diligent about getting checked and using protection, and am the one to end up with this STD that is so stigmatized. I know I am not alone, but it is so frustrating feeling like you were the one the be careless , and "clearly didn't use protection" to prevent this from happening, robbing you of being able to explore more sexually. So many people are under the impression that condoms will protect you from EVERYTHING, or that you only need to worry about birth control .... It's hard losing your ability to explore sexually because of H. Trying to remain optimistic
  6. Hey there ! It's been a while since I've been on this forum, but I felt the strong need to come back and find some support from this amazing support system. I am a 25 year old female living currently in Surrey area , British Columbia. I was diagnosed just over a year ago with HSV2. Found out while in a relationship (though I can't honestly believe I got it from him, but you never know) I am now single, and I have my very optimistic days, but still many days of doubt that I can regain my confidence in pursuing relationships/sex. I am very confident in my self as a person (for the most part) but herpes definitely has had a way of feeling like it overshadows all the good. Would love to chat with someone, male or female, to gain some perspective and support. Thanks!! :)
  7. @girlnamedhope it baffles me that it truly does not matter on the number of partners, or whether you used protection or not. It honestly seems to just come down to "the luck (misfortune rather) of the draw". It's kind of like Russian roulette in my opinion. I know MANY people who have had MANY sexual partners, and as far as I know, they came out Scott free . I have a fairly small number, in today's standards, of five, all of which I used protection. But still ended up with HSV2 Even my boyfriend of 3.5 years, who I was having unprotected sex with for basically our entire relationship, was tested after I found out, and came back clear. I'm glad he is good, it just seems unfair the way it works. Genital herpes does definitely seem to have the worse stigma, I think primarily because the only way you can get it is sexually. Cold sores can be contracted at a young age, from a simple kiss. So it seems to be more "acceptable". @optimist I am in a similar boat, in regards to wondering if certain things that I was experiencing "down below" before (ie frequent yeast infections / irritations, or even back pain, leg tingling or general aching and discomfort) were things that I never would have tied to herpes before I found out I had it, but were actually due to it all along. It is frustrating because I don't know how you could really know for sure, and it is true that doctors seem to only count actual "lesions" as an OB, or the thing to be concerned of. I had my doctor tell me, when I asked about suppressive therapy, that it would not prevent the other person from getting it, would give them "false hope". And that antiviral will "hurt my liver" and I shouldn't be hurting myself for someone else's "piece of mind" (when really it's mine I'm worried about as well) I feel like she mine as well have said "your love life has come to a screeching halt, not much you can do about it". Plus it only prevents consistent reoccurring OB, and will not help reduce viral shedding (which from what I have been reading, does not appear to be the case) I only have one "recorded" OB (the one that actually produced "vesicles" that looked like 3 little whiteheads) and that was the one that I went to have tested. But as time has gone on, and I am beginning to recognize a certain pattern in symptoms, I am beginning to think I've had at least 4-5 more just this year alone. I truly don't want to be stuck on anti virals for the rest of my life, but I also don't want to not have a love life, or feel irresponsible and like whoever sleeps with me just has to accept the fact that they'll most likely get H. I want to know that I'm doing everything I can, and have whoever I am with know that too. Because I feel like otherwise, I always have that guilt and fear in the back of my mind, and that I won't be confident enough to make someone confident in being with me. I understand how dating someone who already has it would be easier, but we shouldn't have to limit ourselves. I suppose all we can do is give others the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best.
  8. There are honestly countless adjectives that could be used to describe herpes, but the one that I have felt, lately, suits it best is: ironic. There is truly no rhyme or reason to H. It honestly appears that anyone can get it; whether you've never had sex, had sex once, a handful of times, etc; you can get it even if you use a condom everytime, are diligent about your sexual health, and get regular STD screenings. Most people that have it don't even know they have it, as doctors more often than not will not test you for it unless you have any reason to believe you could have it.. and even then, you cant assure accuracy unless you have an active outbreak that they can swab. Herpes is ironic for these reasons, and then some. Here's a few more (feel free to add): -It is the most benign STI's that you can get, as it is generally no more than an occasionally occuring skin irritation; but yet it is thought of (by our society) to be one of the "worst" for the simple fact that is still an STI, and you can not get rid of it. -A good majority of the people that have it, dont know and may never know that they have it (and this in itself goes to show how benign it can really be). But the issue that lies with this is that with most people not even knowing that they even have it, those of us that do know are thought to be the only ones that have it; we get stuck with the stigma, and the ones that have to have the uncomfortable talk with potential partners (who, realistically, could already have it themselves and not even know it) . It also means that H will just keep spreading, inevitably and unknowingly. -It's also crazy to think that of those of us that know we have it, very few are honest about it with potential partners. I mean, I understand why people dont want to (I havent yet had to do it myself, except with my ex that I was with for 3.5 years when I found out. That conversation was hard, and I do dread it with new partners, but understand it is necessary) It's an incredibly uncomfortable conversation to have with someone, especially when knowing you can't 100% guarantee them that they wont get it themselves, though you will take every precaution. But again, it is something that needs to be talked about, because it is truly so much more common than we even know. If only we could get rid of the stigma, we wouldn't all be tuck -Stress is a big trigger for an OB, but the knowledge of knowing you have it or a visible outbreak can cause a lot of stress. It's a vicious cycle. -Most people are "scared" of it , because most people dont know much more about it than that it is an STI that "causes blisters on your nether-regions" and that you can not get rid of. There is no real education on the subject (or sex in general). There is a stigma because people dont talk about it, but people dont talk about it because of the stigma. Oh, the irony. -Us as a society make a bigger deal out of H than even the medical community (doctors, nurses, specialists, etc) in my observation. They treat it as it should be treated (in a sense) as something that is just super common, and really more a nuissance than anything. -I feel like we think that we expect other people to think negatively of us, because we suddenly feel negatively about ourselves. We don't give people the benefit of the doubt, and become our own worst enemies. -It also crazy to think that with the rise of people having sex (with the rise in dating sites and casual hook ups, lots of which I can only imagine are unprotected encounters) and the rise in other STI's being contracted, that H isn't FAR more common. Especially when you H is one of the easiest (in my opinion) to contract; you can get it even if you do use protection (as I feel happened in my case), as it only requires skin to skin contact; and it can be contracted even if there is nothing noticeable "down there". -It can be hard to feel like you will ever totally have it under control, or piece of mind with it, as it kind of has a mind of it's own. It pops up whenever it feels like it, or not at all. It can pass on to someone else, even when it doesn't appear to be present. It definitely has a way of getting into your head, and that challenge is often the harder one to conquer, aside from the physical aspects of it. It's ironic that something so small and seemingly harmless can cause so much turmoil. Like I said, feel free to add! I would like to hear others input. Take care.
  9. @WCSDancer2010 thank you for the response. It is definitely crazy that it is not tested for, unless you have "symptoms" but most of the time, these symptoms are mistaken for many other things. I even think I was experiencing some "pro drone" symptoms before I had the first noticeable outbreak,, now that I look back on it (or I am now mistaking those same symptoms with an oncoming outbreak of pro drone, when they aren't even related) . It is really hard to tell, especially being a woman, IMO, with all the things that can go on down there (ie yeast infections, which I also had a problem with, or just general sensitivity, etc). He really was just using common sense, and for the most part being reasonable about things. O guess what made it hard, is that we did not communicate well about it. I didn't tell him I was going to get tested, because I was in denial that it was anything (I told him as soon as I found out though). And his response, was for the most part calm and collected, though confused and definitely an air of concern of infidelity , which I always sensed was a concern of his. Which I what I was afraid of, and voiced that concern to him, trying to reassure him it wasn't the case. I got upset about the condoms, because (and my doctor agreed) that there was no way he didn't already have it (which in hindsight, was being naive on my part). I also made the condom use about him "not seeing a future with me if he was scared of getting it" (how ridiculous and selfish of me) I eventually guilted him into not using condoms, because we had not used them for most of our 3.5 year relationship, and it made me feel like he didn't trust me, or that he felt different (I feel guiltiest about this, it was selfish). I was told by my doctor to take my Valtrex when I "felt an outbreak coming on" (which I am now learning, it isn't always easy to tell, and I feel like I should really be on suppressive therapy). Like I said in the previous post, as far as I know he is still on the clear (somehow, but I hope it stays that way). And he has remained mature about not holding it against me, saying the issues in our relationship were never about that. But I somehow made it all about that near the end of our relationship. He said he never thought much about it once he came to terms with it. That its just a skin condition, that most people have or have slept with someone that has it. I honestly wish that we could have worked through the other issues in our relationship (communication mostly, and not being on the same page about our futures), because he is truly a good guy, and I'm baffled about how he remains so level headed about this whole thing, even though I didn't (and thought I was). I guess it added to my suspicion (which seems ridiculous) because I can't understand how he's remained so good about it. It's hard, and I'm dwelling, on how I acted about it all, and I guess projecting how I feel about myself, onto him. He doesn't deserve it. It's hard to take back things already done though. I guess all I can do is learn from it, and hope I didn't wreck him too much with my actions. Thank you for the links as well :)
  10. @katidid no, I didn't actually see the results. If I had, maybe then I wouldn't be dwelling on it so much. Whether he was being honest, and that I really had it before we even got together, and that he really got lucky not catching it from me, since I didn't even know I had it. I went off of the fact that the day he told me he had gone to get tested, he came home with a box of condoms. Had said that his doctor told him the blood test for HSV2 came back negative, and that he recommended he get condoms, because it effects everyone differently, and if he got it, it could be worse for him (I know that this is true, now). It definitely didn't help that the trust and communication in our relationship was frail. He even went as far as to say, when I disclosed, that he thought I was going to tell him I had cheated.. That he wouldn't have been surprised with how much he worked out of town. From that point on, I just blamed myself, and previous mis judgement of sexual partners (they just were people I wish I hadn't slept with in the first place, though I always used a condom). I really should just be focusing on dealing with it now that I have it, physically and emotionally, for the sake of my well being and the well being of future relationships. Though I have to admit, H has made me pretty insecure about future relationships, and sex. @Bambina3 It was SUCH a confusing time, and continues to be; how could I have had it all this time, without knowing, and he did not catch it? After 3.5 years together, sleeping together with no protection? As terrible as it sounds, it was bittersweet. It was great that he had been so "lucky", but then how was I now to explain where it had come from? Plus I felt so alone with it. It made me feel like the "dirty" untrustworthy one in the relationship . All I could/can focus on was putting the blame all on myself; that something from my past had caught up with me, becoming my own worst enemy. I flip flop between blaming myself, and putting him at risk, but then questioning my trust with him because how is any of this possible? He still says he is telling the truth, and that he wouldn't lie about something like that. That he's never been one to cheat. That he never held it against me that I had it. It all makes me feel shitty about questioning everything, and that I put him in a position where he could have caught it from me (as far as I know, he's still in the clear, but don't know if he's been tested since we broke up). I want to believe him, and not have there be negative feelings between us. Damn H... Sorry for unloading, guys, it's hard keeping all of this inside (as no one in my life, besides my sister) and trying to sort it out. It's so great to have this site as a support system, full of people who know where you're coming from/going through (for the most part, as all stories differ). I appreciate the support.
  11. I am a 25 year old female, and I was diagnosed with HSV2 almost a year ago now. Since finding out, it has been an emotional roller coaster. Going through the motions of denial, sadness, confusion, isolation, stress, shame, guilt.. definitely has a way of shaking up your world, and bringing to surface negative emotions and insecurities. It leaves you wondering where it came from, what triggered it, what continues to trigger it. This is what I have been struggling with this the most, since I found out the I was positive while I was with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years, and had never had any reason to believe he was unfaithful (he was also tested, and told me the results were negative for HSV2). I had also never been unfaithful, but of course these thoughts cross your mind (and his) when herpes rears its ugly head seemingly out of nowhere. Like I said, I don't know what ultimately triggered it, and since finding out I have it, I would say I have had about 6 more "outbreaks" (mostly in the area where I originally found "lesions" [they looked like 3 little whiteheads] gets itchy, then becomes red/inflamed without any lesions) I don't know what is causing all the reoccurrences, and im only taking valtrex when I am having an outbreak (as prescribed by my doctor). It is great to know that my now ex boyfriend (broke up for other reasons) was not infected (he reiterates) , but it makes it so much more confusing as to how or why the HSV2 showed up when it did, and why it keeps reoccurring so much. I just want to get a handle on the physical aspect of it, and understand why it's happening (stress? Other issues?) so that I can really start to get a handle on the emotional aspect of it. Is it possible for HSV2 to be dormant for 3+ years, then show up with avengance? How can a get a handle on this? I have definitely begun to accept that it is what it is. I have it, I have to live with it, I need to deal with it. It's just hard to move forward when you don't feel like you have a complete handle on it. I'd appreciate any input. Thanks <3
  12. I am a 25 year old female, diagnosed about 8 months ago. Open to either a male or female H buddy, would be nice to have some one to talk to for support/prespective. Thanks! :)
  13. @WCSDancer2010 It's the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" that are the worst part I think. You always wish and wonder "if only I had done this or this differently" in regards to catching it, or dealing with it when you find out. I wonder if I had more questions with the guys I had slept with before my boyfriend, or if I had asked/communicates with my boyfriend more when I found out, if things would be different. I think I just assumed a lot, and it is true what they say about assuming. That is definitely one thing about herpes, that it brings to light all the insecurities and issues you have been suppressing. Which in a way is a blessing in disguise. It forces you to face your demons and actually begin to tackle them. I definitely appreciate this site, and the resources and aupport it provides, as this is definitely a difficult and confusing thing to encounter. I am optimistic though that all will be figured out in time.
  14. @WCSDancer2010 I really appreciate the response. It is really helpful getting an unbiased perspective. You make some excellent points. Ones that are on the other side of my thoughts, as those are things I have been considering as well. It's a constant back and forth battle between my own perspectives. I wish I had known to request the blood test along with the swab at the time. It would have saved me (and him) from a lot of speculation. I Am upset that I have let my mind become suspicious mind about it all. And that I have already done and said a lot of things that I wish I hadn't. There are a lot of things I could have definitely done differently , like telling him before I went to get tested and going together. That could have helped. But you're right when you say communication between us was already compromised. I definitely think that was our biggest downfall (as it is in a lot of relationships) That the herpes just kind of became a catalyst for things. I regret having accused him of cheating based on the POF, because that wasn't "proof" that he cheated, it was just proof that he was getting back in the game to get over things. That's his business, and I shouldn't have gone fishing for it. I guess I have let the diagnosis and the insecurities that come along with it, get the better of me; not really knowing when I got it and the explanation of from who it came from, and how it's suddenly (seemingly out of nowhere) bearing it's ugly head with a vengeance. I also did go looking for something that I shouldn't have, so I could have a reason to be upset with him rather than vice versa, which is selfish. Because even at the end of the blow up, he was the one that told me he never thought much about it once he got past the initial shock. That it was just a skin condition, that most people probably have or have slept with someone that has. That he would always love me, but what's done is done. I guess it's my own thoughts about H that have jaded my interpretation of the things he has said and done. We definitely both made mistakes; it takes two to make or break. I definitely think I made it much more about myself and how it was all making me feel, that I never truly considered his feelings, and thought all his words and actions had hidden agendas. Again something else that I hope to at some point be able to talk to him about. I truly do hope to be able to sit down with him and talk about everything, but don't think I can do that until I have my thoughts sorted. Again, I really appreciate your input. As I'm sure you can tell by my posts, my thoughts are all askew, and I need to work on getting them sorted, and not so obsessive. <3
  15. My story is one that I am honestly still trying to figure out, and hope that I can at least have a little bit of closure on. I hope that by getting it out there, that someone can help me to navigate my way to that point. I am so very glad that this website is around so if nothing else, there is at least support for what we are all going through. I am a 25 year old female, and I found out that I have Hsv2 about 8 months ago. What makes things complicated (but not overly unique, based on what I have seen from others' testimonials) is that when I found out, I was about 3 years into a monogamous (at least on my end, and i DID trust he was as well) relationship. I went to the doctor when I found 3 little whitehead looking bumps "down there", that I discovered when I felt an itch, scratched, and then felt a "stinging" sensation. I got them swabbed, and two weeks later, i found out that I came back HSV2 postive. All the while, before finding out the results, i refrained from having sex with my boyfriend, playing it off as being "too tired", etc., because I didn't want him to get freaked out if it turned out to be nothing. When I got the results, i broke down (on the phone with my bestfriend) and she calmed me down so that I could tell my boyfriend, sans hysteria. I told him I needed to tell him something, and when I did, his response was that he thought I was going to tell him I cheated on him, because he wouldnt have been surprised with how much he works out of town. In the moment i didnt think much of the comment because I was just concerned about reassuring him that it wasnt the case whatsoever (because my worst fear was that he was going to think that, and I had never been unfaithful). His next question was about whether it was something that would affect my IUD birth control, to which I told him it wouldn't, it was the other STDS that would be an issue (the same ones that were more likely a sign of infidelity, especially since we both had to be tested for those ones when I got the IUD). Again, this was a questionI didnt think much about at the time. All the while, while telling him, I was more or less laying the blame on myself (because of the fact that I had always feared that I had got it from a previous partner, but never had anything come up on tests or otherwise, and it was always a fear of mine that it would come up later down the road), but still told him that this was something that either one of us could have contracted before we even got together. He said ultimately, it didnt matter who it came from. About a month or so later, he came home with a pack of condoms, that I inquired about, and he said that he had gone to the doctor and received a blood test for HSV2 (because I had told him that was the type that I had) and his results came back negative. I never asked to see the results, though now i wish I had for closure. The condoms were because "if he didnt have it, he didnt want to get it". Fair enough I supposed, but this devastated me. I couldnt understand how after 3/plus years of being intimate, unprotected, that he didnt have it. And now the sudden want to use condoms, made me feel like he was scared to have sex with me. He also said that he got tested for everything else which made me feel like he didnt trust me; even when I told him I had never been unfaithful (and I never questioned him). It also made me question whether he really saw a future with me (to which he answered "i dont know" which should have been my que to end it) When n I tried to talk to him about my insecurities with it, he told me to just not think about it. He ultimately gave up on trying to use condoms after the 2nd or 3rd time (i assume because of how much it upset me, and because we werent having sex, which i feel guilt about). As the months went on, I never once questioned that this could have been a result of him being unfaithful, because I felt that it was just my past that had caught up to me. I blamed our relationship beginning to take a downturn on his job, and my having HSV2 (and my insecurities that went along with it), and ultimately I broke up with him, because I didnt have much confidence that he really saw a future with me (even before my diagnosis). After we broke up, I discovered he signed up on POF (through an email that I "found" while moving out) and confronted him about it. I brought up my fear that if he was already over the relationship or at least looking for sex that quickly after we broke up, was he already out of it while we were together? I did the unthinkable, and accused him of cheating and being the reason I have herpes. To which his response was that it was him and a buddy just messing around with a POF account as something funny. That I was making a "ridiculous" accusation, that i should know him better than that; that he has never been the kind of guy to "sleep around" or cheat. He said that I must not have ever trusted him, and that again he wouldnt be surprised if I did cheat because if something like that could set me off, then something bigger would too (aka being worried he cheated because i had?) He even went on to say that he never tried to make me feel bad about having it, and didnt think much about it once he "came to terms with it". That he always trusted me, and I should have known with how much he worked (which contradicts what he said when i disclosed to him ) It made me feel so guilty that I even went there, but I honestly dont know what to believe. i feel like the way I handled everything incriminated me, because of my guilt from possibly having caught it in the past, and I didnt even question whether I could have really been the one being blind-sided the whole time.I wish I had handled things differently, asked more questions, and seen for myself the results of his test. At this point, I feel like its too late to do any of those things, and that I may never get the closure I'm looking for. Ill never know if I should have guilt, or whether I was naive and let him pull the wool overof my eyes. I want neither, but I just cant get past this limbo. Sorry for the novel, I hope someone can offer some advice. Can I still talk to him? Is it even worth ? If hes going to lie hes going to lie. Ill never know the difference.
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