Jump to content

diversity

Members
  • Posts

    11
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

diversity's Achievements

0

Reputation

  1. "I would tell anyone who asked or sought out my advice, 'It's always easier to do the thing that isn't right for you, the thing that doesn't make you truly happy. It's harder to do the thing that is right for you, the thing that you don't yet know will make you happiest because of your fear. Your fear to put in the work and maybe failing. Your fear of the unknown. It's always stepping outside of our comfort zone and challenging ourselves that we grow and live a more fulfilling life.' With that said, I better start listening to my own advice." ------ I was pondering a discussion that my friend and I had the other day. She had called me to talk about her budding relationship and how she was already aggrivated by the idea of women flirting with him. I told her to hold on and think about what the hell she was saying. "I would say that there is no reason to get worked up so early. It's as if all is right in the world when you guys were dating vs being officiated. No one knows that you two are together, who knows when they were friends on that thing. Why look into it? There's no reason to. Let it be a relationship where you can be optomistic and happy. And if you're afaid to get hurt? Guess what? Not living life is the only thing that will not hurt us. But then really does it? The longing for connection would hurt us. And you gotta live because you're still breathing." The fact of the matter was that her insecurity had not left, it still lingered and it was easy for it to get the best of her. It's easy for it to get the best of us. She needed to acknowledge its presence and accept it. I told her that as her friend, she should consider letting the powers at be, be. That there was no reason for her to question her man, her relationship, or herself. "It's always easiier to do the thing that isn't right for you..." She realized that she was trying to sabotoge something before it became anything else out of her fear. She told me that she's going to try her best to let go and let it be a relationship that isn't driven by her insecurities. When I think about my path and how that it has evolved which makes me insecure, I need to learn to let go. I need to do the things that will take time and will take work to live a more fulfilling life. Because I know as much as God does, I am not happy. Do we live in fear and live in a life of insecure security? Or do we rise up above that to become better, to live a life of higher purpose? I would like to work on having higer purpose. Good day everyone!
  2. My body musters a yawn as a light haze glazes over my eyes for a split second. After looking at my computer screen for a few moments, I close my eyes recollecting tonight's events. The tenderness of raw ahi on rice is something I could enjoy for every meal the rest of my life. As I bit into my nigiri sushi, I felt a worry wash over my heart. "Tonight's the night," Dexter from my favorite tv show would say. Tonight was the night for me to finally tell one of my closest friends, my journey with herpes. I remembered pondering with every chew if she would still see me, for me. My mind preconceived that to her, I would be dirty. Aye! We just shared something at a resturant the other night...maybe I should hold off. Have you ever heard people talk about the news, how there was an accident where something horrible happened? Have you ever thought about what it would feel like to see that horrible thing vs. just hearing it on the news? That's how I compared my preconceived reaction of hers. She heard about STD's and how it's horrible, but God forbid someone she knows has STDs. I shrugged my shoulders and let out a sigh. I could tell that she knew something was up with me as my mind went way too fast thinking of way too many things. After great sushi, we drove to my place. It was kind of perfect being that she had to pick up something from my house. I definitely didn't want to get my herpes talk on with people eating. We sat down and bullshitted a little bit before I told her that I had a story. She looked at me with a wide-eyed stare as she muttered, "Ok." Maybe I didn't say it all that warmly? I couldn't help but chuckle and look down like a shy teenager who was about to ask someone out for the first time. I looked up at her and said, "Where do I begin?" My eyes drifted to these beautiful icicle lights dangling in my window, they gave my room such a warm feeling. I smiled and began where it all began, 2 and a half years ago. I found myself narrating my life with such gusto, using my hands as if I were in some conference room. I felt no shame. This entire time I thought that I was going to feel such shame and that was not even close to what I felt. I felt inspired, strong, and confident. Awesome, I thought with a smile on my face before wrapping up. It honestly was the most rewarding conversation I had ever had disclosing my status to a friend. She is the last of my close friends I live near who I disclosed herpes to. All the right people know about this dark hour of my life that turned out to be a beautiful thing. Soon, the world will know.
  3. Oh, there's some other thoughts in the wind! While I got my self sad pity party going this past week, I began questioning myself and if I would really be able to be as vulnerable and transparent about my life in the way that I dreamt about. I dreamt about being transparent about all the life events and personal issues I lived through to give a realness to my business. For the first time since dreaming about what I wanted to do, I became unsure. Unsure if I was strong enough to see it become reality. Scared about if I would be able to really deal with the negativity that would come its way. I realized that no matter what, whether people have a reason to or not, they will find (not all of em mind you) a reason to bring you down. And when some people know very intimate things about you that they know is the softest spot, that's where they feel the need to stab. Whether people have the information or not, it can happen. That is when I decided to get back on this site and put my picture up. I know that the entire world doesn't see it because it's not broadcasted, but it for me is a sense of vulnerability. I guess in time, slowly but surely, I'll be able to live what I dream.
  4. Thank you Leilani for your love and support! I''m glad to hear how this blog has helped you come to terms and evolve the beauty that you already had. This blog is definitely one that is here to stay and the potential for it to grow and inspire others is gigantic. Adrial really did something great here! And although I didn't realize it until a few months ago, the connection of herpes being an opportunity to help other people is amazing. Adrial is a genius! You are apart of a handful of people who have said positive things about my business idea. Thank you for having faith in my abilities :D Here is an update: This past Wednesday, I was talking with what I call my hybrid amigo. A hybrid amigo of mine is someone who isn't quite my friend, more of an acquaintance, who I have sexy time with. Him and I get along great when we converse. He's known about my status since the beginning when I was first diagnosed. He happened to be someone that I had slept with for a good amount of time before I met William. Long story short, I would assume William wasn't happy and found pleasure with other women. I walked away so fast from that shit although it was difficult. With that experience came the gift of herpes. As I type that sentence, I chuckle then smirk. A lot of times my relationship to herpes is all good, but occasionally I have a hatred for its existence. Then I remind myself that my life could seriously be worse in many aspects. So this hybrid amigo now I'm calling hybrid asshole, decides to tell me this past Wednesday that the website which I'm paying him some big bucks to make for me for my business venture, "don't expect your type of site to be a part of my business portfolio." O.O Excuse me?! Who the fuck said that I NEED my shit to be apart of yo SHIT?! Go fuck yoself from now on. Him and I got into it because I knew exactly what he meant and he knew that I knew. After the anger subsided, a deep sadness washed over me and I allowed it to knock me on my ass. I allowed some narrow minded fuck who is deciding to be intimate with someone who he'd be embarrassed to be associated with for the same reason? Jesus, it goes to show how damaged he really is. He's a lost soul who I'm gonna make finish my shit that I paid him for and that's it! I guess that I would have expected more from him being that him and I have known each other for so many years. I really think that's why I was so emotional in the coming days of our little argument. Anyhoo.... (smh) Until next time!
  5. Hearing your story about how positive your friends and family have been is amazing! I'm really glad that you have that support system. I can't help but smile :D
  6. Hello everyone that posted on my story! First off, I would like to thank you for taking the time to respond and say such positive things. I would secondly like to apologize for having disappeared. There's a sense of emotional detachment I always seem to have. It's not just with me and herpes, it's with me and everything. Leilani: Thank you for reminding me that random thoughts of negativity aren't just saved for herpes. There is and will be other things in life that will appear at random times and that constant practice about our thoughts to be more positive is key. Thank you for sharing your story with me. You are a strong woman who has dealt with a lot more than me on the STD and personal level. Keep sharing your story! Adrial: Thank you for the kind words about my writing. I appreciate it :D It's actually an activity that I have long forgotten. Thank you for saying that my relationship to herpes will evolve and change. We get used to what we have in all aspects of our lives, even with material things. Such an amazing analogy! I hope you don't mind if I borrow it from time to time. I assure that I give credit where its due. I love the nerdiness ;) Rosie8: Thank you for sharing your story with me! Although it may still hurt because of what could have been between you two, there are tons more challenges in relationships. That I should have confidence that through accepting my feelings, I will evolve. Just like I told Leilani, keep sharing your story and using it to help those like us! As a quick update, I have evolved greatly since April of last year. I'm actually looking into using my experience with herpes and other life events and personal issues I've had to help people. I'd like to one day provide a professional setting where people can get help through building a business. I've been looking into a few things, coming up with job descriptions, a website, and a bunch of other business aspects. I'm using my current career which is in business management to help fuel a career that I'd rather be in. I just have to say that life is amazing and beautiful! It's filled with a multitude of positive and negative things, it is up to us what we do with what we are handed. Although I've struggled with herpes on an internal level and not allowed it to consume my entire life, there were still aspects I didn't allow myself to live. That will always be the case with anything. I look forward to being more active on this site and building bridges with people and start to wither away the emotional detachment that I have with me. That was just a bunch of jibberish thrown together, lol. Thanks again guys!
  7. Here's one that I came up with a little while ago and I don't know if it would be considered inspirational BUT it get's me going on most days, lol. "I can't hope that things are different this time, I have to make things different this time."
  8. I was a bit repulsed by it at first thinking what you were, "GREAT, here's another reason to fear people like me!" And although I do not completely agree with the way they are sending their message, I understand the symbolism of the photos. That indeed, having unprotected sex could lead someone to have a situation like ours or worse. I do however believe that we just need to keep fighting the good fight through spreading awareness in a positive way. That having an incurable STD does not define who we are or what we represent. It in no way represents how we live or don't live our lives. Horrible things still happen to good people who took every precaution possible.
  9. I’ve spent countless nights sitting in front of my computer. The fingertips of my hands hovering above the keys wanting to press down and begin telling my story. I don’t know why I haven’t been able to until tonight. I’ve had countless nights where I felt … believed that I was a damaged good. Many of you would recognize this as the same old story. Although I can somewhat say that I have moved past my pain, it puzzles me with why I can feel empty. Empty like the bottom of my beer glass. As if the pain were still present, but gone at the same time. The never-ending battle between the light side and dark side of self; taking 10 steps forward to only take 9 steps back. My mind's arms have been overwhelmed with the weight of being healed constantly changing. I definitely can look in the mirror and smile. As complicated as I am, I am in love with who I am. I am in love with what makes me tick. I am in love with what I am about in my life. There’s just this one hurdle that I can’t seem to conquer completely, and it frustrates me. One thing I can say is that no matter how fucked up something could be, I always manage to push forward. No matter how grueling, depressed, frustrated I’ve been. In the height of my depression with this disease, I’ve managed to get promoted, gain and grow friendships that I will forever love no matter if the path puts us at a fork in the road. The biggest question that I ask myself during random moments (in the middle of a business meeting, watching Titanic in 3D, cruising this beautiful island I live on at 2am) will I ever completely break the chains that bind me of thinking about herpes? Of course, your thinking … probably not, this is for life. I understand that this thing, this disease is with me for life and managing it is an aspect of our relationship. However, will I break the chain of emptiness that it can bring? That is one aspect of our relationship that I wish to leave behind me forever.
×
×
  • Create New...