Alyssa (formerly abby83)

Hey all! Haven't been on here in ages and wow this site and thread has grown! I'm 31, female and have had herpes for 6 years. It's been a struggle but I have had nothing but positive experiences and have really come to terms with it so I'd like to offer support to anyone who needs. I was lucky enough to find great people on here to support me when I needed it and I want to return the favor. I live in Denver, CO and can meet in person or am happy to email/call/Skype so please reach out if you'd like. Since I'm not on here much, shoot me an email at alyssa.beiss@gmail.com. Love and light to all!

I started writing this in my journal in the Raleigh airport last Monday and as I was writing, I thought I may as well just share it on here. Sorry it's taken so long to post but it was way longer than this and I wanted to cut it down a bit. And life has just been hectic lately. It's still pretty long but I like to write and couldn't decide what else to cut... sorry. Love and miss you all!! When I bought my plane ticket to Raleigh a few months ago, I had just met Adrial and was feeling inspired by him. Just from his energy, I knew the seminar would be amazing and life-changing. But shortly thereafter, the excitement faded. I forgot the feelings I had after spending that day with him and, with everything else going on in my life, the thought of taking a weekend trip to talk about herpes started to really bother me. My finances were a mess and my credit card debt was growing again. Work was crazy and my boss begged me not to go and even offered to reimburse me for the non-refundable plane ticket and pay me to be on-call all weekend. And, quite frankly, I was feeling really okay about having herpes and didn't really want to go anymore. Then I got sick and was hoping I would get sick enough to really be able to bail and not feel guilty for it. But I didn't. And now I'm laying on the floor of the Raleigh airport, typing this on my phone, and waiting for my flight home. And, with an empty wallet, dirty clothes on, bags under my eyes, and possibly a low grade fever, I feel really good. Content, grateful, and full of love. I didn't expect some grand epiphany to occur for me over the weekend and it didn't. For some of the participants it did, but those things never happen to me. I have epiphanies all the time and they fade quickly. I'm a skeptic. I know myself well enough to know that, for me, this stuff takes time to sink in. It's a process and rather than having 1 huge moment of clarity and making some big change or leap of faith, I have lots of more subtle moments and am constantly trying to make smaller changes. I question everything and everyone. I trust myself and my gut but I don't trust other people or ideas easily. So I went into the weekend open and willing, but skeptical and hesitant. Even with the bad timing and lack of enthusiasm I had been feeling, I knew I would take something away from the weekend. And I certainly got more out of it than I ever could have imagined. I was surprised by the group of participants. I had thought that most of the people would be feeling the way I felt up until pretty recently- sad, lonely, stuck believing that I was dirty and no one would ever love me again. We were all in different places- some newly diagnosed, some having had it for many years, some who, like me, went through a long struggle to accept it, and some who came to terms with it right away. But we all seemed to be past the point of deep shame and grief. The weekend quickly became not so much about herpes, but about love and acceptance, both for ourselves and for others. It became about opening our hearts and minds and learning how to deal with the craziness that is life. I had multiple moments throughout the weekend when I, somewhat suddenly, remembered that we were there because of herpes! I know I wasn't the only one who forgot either. The format of the weekend and the activities that we did were about so much more than the silly skin condition that brought us all there. They were about coming to a place of such deep self-love and learning to fully accept ourselves not even despite of, but because of our flaws. I think I can speak for every participant (and probably most, if not all of the staff ;))) when I say that we've got way bigger issues to deal with than herpes! When I really think about it, it's comical to me that this relatively harmless, insignificant thing that is physically nothing more than an annoyance (to me at least), was able to take control of my life the way it did. I am grateful to be past that feeling of hopelessness and it makes me so sad to think about those that are still stuck there. Because I know that place. It's really dark and scary and feels like there's no way out. And I don't think there is anything harder than making that first step to get out of that. It takes incredible strength and courage which I didn't have for a long time. And I'm still amazed that I found it and have been able to use it to move past the shame and self-loathing I felt for so long. I wish you all could have known me 2 years ago to see where I was and how far I've come. Cause I know that if I can do it, anyone can. It's just a matter of finding the strength to take that first step and deciding that you don't want herpes to define you. And once I found the strength to do that, I grabbed onto it for dear life and wouldn't let go. Amazing things started to happen and my strength grew and grew and allowed me to further perpetuate the self-love and acceptance that I finally felt. And since then everything has changed and it's been incredible and freeing. So, for me, the weekend gave me more tools to use when I have bad days and am feeling sorry for myself. Because I do still have them and I know I always will. It gave me the opportunity to connect with people on a deeper level than I ever knew possible and without any fear of rejection or judgment. It gave me a safe space to work through things that are uncomfortable and scary and I might otherwise have buried and ignored out of fear. And as far as my herpes healing process, I think the biggest thing it gave me was the opportunity to talk about it with a group of people, some of whom have it, and some of whom only have a 20% chance of having it ;), with no concern for judgment or being looked at any differently than anyone else. I felt more love in that room over the weekend than I could ever imagine and hope for. And I can't thank Adrial, the staff, and all the other participants enough for sharing their love and giving so much of themselves to this incredible, inspiring weekend.

In my never-ending quest to find natural ways to take care of my body, I've found a bunch of information regarding herbs to use for herpes outbreak treatment and relief. I mixed up this blend of oils a while back and (unfortunately) have just had the opportunity to test it and it really seems to be working. Twice since my last outbreak I noticed what I thought were prodromal symptoms and used it for a couple days and I never ended up having a full-blown outbreak. Then two days ago I started getting an outbreak and have been putting this on consistently since and it is definitely going away much quicker than usual. In the past it has usually taken about 10-14 days to clear up completely and now on day 3 it is almost gone and I expect it to be totally gone within another 2-3 days at most based on how quickly it's healing. And I'm not taking anti-virals so I have to assume this is what is speeding up my healing. So, before making my first million selling my "herpes cure" I wanted to share it with my friends here. It's really simple and some of you may have already heard of the benefits of these ingredients. 6 parts coconut oil 1 part grapefruit seed extract (NOT grapeseed oil) 1 part tea tree oil 1 part lemon balm (AKA melissa) Blend well and apply often to affected area A few things to note: If you're not familiar with using essential oils, make sure the tea tree and lemon balm labels say "pure essential oil" and DO NOT buy oils labeled "fragrance oil," "perfume oil," "oil blends," or anything else. This is so important because most of these are synthetic and don't have the healing properties of the plants or they may be mixed with other oils. Coconut oil is not an essential oil but look for "virgin" oil with cooking oils in the grocery store. Grapefruit seed extract may or may not be labeled as an essential oil depending on where you get it but just make sure it is pure with nothing else added. Also, lemon balm is really expensive (around $70 minimum) so if you don't want to spend the big bucks, I would still recommend the other three. Though I've read a whole lot about its effectiveness for herpes and I would suggest using it if you can afford it. You can get it already blended with another oil like jojoba for way cheaper and while I don't think it will hurt, it's usually diluted to around 5% so I don't think it will be terribly effective. Make sure you check the label when you buy it cause a lot of stores only carry it as a blend due to its high cost. Lastly, all but the grapefruit seed extract can be safely used directly on skin in small amounts but DO NOT use the grapefruit seed extract undiluted as it is very irritating. Here's a link to the website of the brand I love where I buy most of my oils and they carry all of these (or you can also get them in most health food stores) http://www.dreamingearth.com I'm researching and experimenting with some other ingredients to add or maybe making some kind of a salve also and will keep you all posted when I do and let you know how they work. (Though hopefully I won't have to use anything again for a while.) I'd love to hear feedback if anybody tries this or has any other suggestions. Hope it helps!

Thank you for this post, Lelani. I'm in the midst of my first outbreak in almost 8 months and, as optimistic and accepting as I've become about this, it's still so hard when the little bugger rears its ugly head. And being single and having to think about disclosing in the future makes it that much more difficult. I've felt the same fear of connecting with men because I don't want them to feel tricked. Though I'm comfortable and okay being single, I don't want to be forever and right now I can't help but feel like I will be because I'm so afraid to get close to someone and be rejected So it's been a tough day. I know I will be okay but I have to keep reminding myself. And this post was a helpful reminder and I appreciate it, and you.

Hello friends. There are a few things in these posts I want to address. First of all, domh21, from my own experience, from everything I've read and from everyone I've spoken to about this, it only gets easier. The first outbreak is the worst and subsequent ones should be less severe and occur less often. Personally, my first one, while painful and uncomfortable, was mild compared to what I've heard from other people. And each one was less and less painful until they became nothing more than a nuisance. However, they were very regular and occurred often. For the first year and a half or so, I didn't go more than a month without one. They would pop up, make me cry and hide, go away within about 2 weeks, and then come back 3-4 weeks later. The physical pain was minimal but the psychological toll it took on me was devastating. Then slowly they started to come less often and now, almost 4 years later, I'm happy to say I've been outbreak-free for close to 8 months. And I've never heard of anybody else's getting worse so you shouldn't worry about that; they should only get better. Second, stop obsessing about what you're eating! Actually, stop obsessing about anything! Any kind of obsession will cause you more harm than good. I truly believe that our thoughts have a far greater impact on us than anything we put in/do to our bodies. There is such a strong connection between our psychological/mental/emotional health and our physical health and it is sooo important for our physical bodies to try to stay positive and keep stress to a minimum. I can't stress this enough! And this isn't voodoo/witchcraft nonsense. In fact there is tons of scientific evidence supporting the mind-body connection. It's pretty incredible actually. Many of our current killers, or "diseases of civilization" can be attributed almost entirely to the amount of stress we deal with on a daily basis (among other things, of course) and the physiological effects that occur as a result of that stress. The damage that is caused to our immune systems by stress is so severe and the most important thing you can do for yourself right now is keep your immune system in tip-top shape. So be kind and gentle with yourself. Feed your soul right now, however feels right. I'm not saying to go out and eat 12 big macs, but if you find comfort in something and you indulge it, just accept it for what it is and don't beat yourself up. And just make sure to enjoy every bite! Third, if your initial outbreak (and I assume any subsequent ones) wasn't too terrible, may I ask why you're taking the acyclovir? I decided when I was diagnosed not to take anti-virals cause I was in a monogamous relationship with the guy who gave it to me and my outbreaks, though frequent, were not terribly painful or uncomfortable. My doctor suggested I take it daily but after doing some research I really didn't think it was necessary. I had a prescription on hand for if/when I had a really bad outbreak and I took it a few times but never for more than a few days. And only in the very beginning. I'm not a huge fan of any medications, especially ones taken long-term. I have no judgment toward you one way or another, I just feel like doctors often push these pills on us and we tend to blindly accept their recommendations. And if you're worried about side effects then I strongly encourage you to do some research and make an informed decision. I have read (though I don't know how much evidence there is to support this) that it may be better not to take anti-virals when you first get the virus so as to allow your body to build up antibodies and a natural immunity toward it. I'm not a doctor but from my knowledge of human physiology, that justification seems logical to me. As I said, I hold no judgment either way, and if your outbreaks are disturbing your quality of life (physically, emotionally, however) than by all means take the pills! I'm just a huge advocate for people to take control of their own health and not just do whatever their doctor says. I have had a fair amount of negative experiences with doctors and now generally steer in the direction of more holistic and natural approaches to my health. (And I dated a doctor for a little while-- he was dumb as rocks!) The only time I've taken acyclovir regularly was when I was dating someone who didn't have herpes and that was just to reduce the risk of transmission. But I made it clear to him that if our relationship became more serious, we would have to discuss other options cause I didn't want to take them long-term. Point-being, do some research, if you haven't already, and make an informed decision as to what's best for you. Lastly, JustAnotherOne, one thing I've learned about men is that most of them couldn't care less about what our lady-parts look like. So don't worry so much about the scarring. Trust me, if you're willing to show it to them, there is a really good chance they won't even notice. Once you're naked, brain functioning seems to go out the window and there is little else they're thinking about. (Sorry guys, but I've yet to be proven wrong about this.) And, if there is a connection deeper than just sex, then he will love you for you and think that you're beautiful not even in spite of, but because of your imperfections.

I don't recall where I found this but I have it posted in my kitchen where I can read it every day-- Stop. Revelation. Cue the spotlight: There’s nothing wrong with me. And there’s nothing wrong with you. Here’s how I know both of these statements are true: You’re playing the game of life as best you know how, and trying to get better every day. You can’t possibly do someone else’s best, so there’s no point in stressing about it. You make mistakes like everyone else, which allows you to learn as you go. That means you’re doing what you should be. You’re unique, whether you’re introverted or outgoing, book smart or street smart, creative or technical—the list goes on and on. You’re the world’s only opportunity to know a person just like you. The only hope to share what only you can. There’s no such thing as the way you should be. If you do what you enjoy and don’t harm other people, you’re living a beautiful life. You will never become someone—you are someone right now, whether you influence millions of people or mean the world to just one person. Your impact is powerful, whether you realize it or not. If someone hurts you, you don’t deserve it. No one does. End of conversation. You feel emotions and respond to them. That’s the way this whole humanity things works. If you could stand to improve the way you respond, newsflash: everyone could. You have a pulse right now, and it’s your choice what you do with it. There’s no right or wrong answer. (Unless what you want is to maim a puppy or something equally perverse.) You choose what you think is best, or else you wouldn't choose it. As you get new information and grow stronger and smarter, you’ll make different choices. You are beautiful, inside and out.

I will never get tired of hearing stories like this! Why is it so ingrained in us that something so inconsequential has to be a deal-breaker?! Why are we so convinced that we are damaged and not worthy of love?! Ughh it makes me crazy!! And it seems that, more often than not, when we connect with a person and share our dirty little secret, the response is "that's it? I thought you were going to tell me..." It's nothing! No big deal! My god, how much worse it could be! Like lelani, my heart is bursting and I am just thrilled for you mariii!! And for all of us. Thanks so much for sharing and I wish you all the best!!

For close to four years now I have smiled and laughed every time I've heard a herpes comment or joke while inside it would tear me apart. I've excused myself from situations on multiple occasions to go to the bathroom and cry. I'm not so bothered by the comments/jokes anymore and tend to just ignore them but that has taken quite some time. I intentionally do not laugh at the jokes and am getting to the point where I want to just out myself and tell people to shut up but that hasn't happened yet. The worst was when I was at a party with this guy that I was dating and had only just disclosed to him a week or two before. A girl made some comment about someone drinking out of her beer and yelled "you better not have herpes." I just ignored it but my stomach was instantly in knots. By this point I had mostly made peace with it and learned to just ignore the comments but what made me cringe was thinking about what this guy was thinking. I was afraid to even look at him and then when I did he was walking into the house (we were outside). My mind instantly began thinking that he's embarrassed and doesn't know how to deal with those comments so he must have disappeared to have a moment alone and think about it. So now I'm silently freaking out thinking of course he's going to change his mind and break up with me. If anybody were to find out he would be laughed at and judged and who wants to have to deal with that? When he finally came back outside he acted normal so I just tried to forget about it but it bothered me the rest of the day. The thing is, it was completely ridiculous for me to get as upset and crazy as I did. This is the only guy I've had to disclose to and telling him has been one of the most incredible and healing experiences of my life. I won't get into that story as it's on a thread here somewhere but he was as amazing and accepting as is humanly possible. He couldn't care less! Not only that, there was a really good chance that he didn't even hear this comment! I never brought it up but we continued to date for a while after that and herpes was never an issue whatsoever. I guess it just goes to show how the silly little bugger really is almost entirely a psychological illness. For me at least. That something so meaningless and inconsequential as an ignorant comment like that can throw me practically into a panic attack makes me so sad for all of us. Cause really there is NOTHING about this virus that should warrant such an awful stigma. Yet this is what we have to deal with because of ignorance and our society's hypocritical and judgmental beliefs about sex. So I'm moving past caring about these comments and jokes entirely and realizing that the vast majority of the time they are not personal and not even meant to be insulting. People are just kind of dumb and often don't think about what they say and the effect their words may have on a person. Like Adrial and Whoopsi, I am much more aware now of the things that I say and try really hard to consider what impact my words might have on someone else. And, being someone with (what I consider to be) an awesome sense of humor and who is rarely insulted by jokes, I'm even learning to be a little more open-minded. I really believe that we need to be able to laugh at and not take ourselves so seriously. If you've ever seen a stand-up comedy show, think about all the dirty, racist, sexist, etc. jokes that you laugh at and how there are probably tons of people in the audience who are part of whatever group is at the butt end of the joke. But we all laugh because we know there isn't any real hatred or intention to hurt behind it. I'm trying to think of herpes jokes in this same way. And I think that may be the first step in breaking down the stigma. We know that it's nothing more than an annoying little skin condition and if we don't act like it's anything more than that, maybe people will begin to realize that it's really not. Of course there will probably always be some idiots that will believe whatever they hear and be hurtful and rude about it out of ignorance, but screw them. I truly believe that the vast majority of people are caring and good and not out to hurt others. And the rest are just bullies who aren't worth a second thought. So with all that said, Stephen Colbert had me laughing out loud so hard at a herpes joke the other night and it felt so good to laugh about it that I wanted to share it on here. I hope nobody gets upset by this and really it's not even insulting but I know that there have been times when just hearing the word "herpes" made me sad and hurt. But I feel like this is a safe place to share this and I really think it can be healing to just think of herpes as what it actually is, and not what we've been told to believe it is. Since it's really not a big deal, why not laugh about it like you would laugh about anything else that has such little importance in your life. It starts around 12:20 if you just want the joke- http://www.colbertnation.com/full-episodes/wed-november-7-2012-doris-kearns-goodwin (And Adrial, feel free to take the link down if you don't think it's appropriate.)

I am a member of this local herpes group/website and I finally attended my first event with them this past Sunday. It was a lovely brunch with about 12-15 women talking about all things herpes. It was really great to be able to talk openly about it with these women and one of them told us about her experiences with disclosing. I won't get into detail about her story but she shared that she has disclosed to 4 men since she was diagnosed. Here's the good news- all 4 were okay with it. Now here's the GREAT news (well, not really "great" I suppose but it definitely reassured me and made me feel a little less leper-like)- all 4 believed they didn't have herpes and after insisting that they each get tested, ALL 4 CAME BACK POSITIVE!!! She didn't say whether they had type 1 or 2 and I didn't think at the time to ask but either way that blows both the 85% and 20% stats out of the water! I realize that 100% of people do not in fact have herpes, but that just made me feel better to hear how common it really is. So I just wanted to share. Also, I told them all about this forum so hopefully there will be more new "faces" around here. :) And just as a side note- On Saturday I had the pleasure of meeting the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. H-Opp himself! I have to say, I've enjoyed speaking with him on the phone a few times and obviously he is awesome on here but in person, WOW! Just being in Adrial's presence made my heart feel full and left me feeling inspired. (Not to mention he's even cuter in person, ladies. ;) ) I decided there is no way I'm missing out on the next seminar and I highly encourage anybody else who can to do so. This dude is friggin' awesome and I can only imagine how incredible it will be to spend an entire weekend talking to, listening to and working with him on such a deep level. I'm stoked and will be buying my plane ticket soon. Hope to see some of you there! Yay!!

I haven't been on here much lately so I just saw this thread and I simultaneously want to shout "I have herpes!" from my rooftop and vomit at the same time. I actually almost "came out" to my Women's Health class last week when we were talking about STIs but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Fuck it, count me in. I'm so over the shame and embarrassment I've felt for the last 4 years about this. I think I would feel more comfortable with more people though. I agree that 10,000 still makes us seem like a minority. But either way, I want to do whatever I can to help. I'll set up my profile in a bit and get on the facebook page. Yeah I'll probably vomit first... but the nausea will pass. Let's do this thing!

Yay! Thanks for sharing. I had a similar experience during my first (and so far, only) disclosure and it's just so great to hear about others. Unfortunately things didn't work out between us for reasons unrelated to herpes but the fear of telling has creeped back up. So I appreciate hearing positive stories like this. All the best to you and your new love!

I haven't been on here in a while so I'm just seeing this. I would love a buddy! Gender doesn't matter but it would be great to meet up with someone in person. Though phone/email would be cool too. 29/f/Denver. Get in touch!

Iris4 and lifegoeson-- I think I am probably too late but I am sending you both all sorts of healing, positive energy! I hope it went well (or goes well if you haven't told them yet). Remember that no matter what, you are deserving of love and happiness. I thought for a long time that no one would ever love me again because of this and I was so wrong. This guy is MAD for me now and I am him and it is truly an amazing feeling! I never would have believed it before but there are really great guys out there who just don't care about this. I so hope that you are with some of them, but if not, please just remember that they do exist and you will find them! Sending hugs and love! -a

So sorry for falling off the map for a while but I'm back now and wanted to update people, in case you're still interested. After dating for about six weeks (so just about three weeks ago) I finally couldn't stand it anymore and told him. I went over and over in my head what I wanted to say and how, knowing it likely wouldn't happen as I planned, and of course it didn't. But it went better than I ever could have imagined!! He came over for dinner and I was planning to tell him right away but I couldn't bring myself to do it cause we were having such a nice time. So a little later we were just hanging out watching a movie and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I became obviously upset and he asked what was wrong. I said that I needed to tell him something and his response was "well if you tell me something, I'll tell you something." It kind of blew me away that he was so willing to share something personal just to make me more comfortable. (And I immediately got excited that he might tell me the same thing; he didn't.) So I asked him to go first and he opened up to me about some things that were totally irrelevant to my situation but still put him in a very vulnerable position. Basically he told me about his ex and some things that happened between them which, as I said, is irrelevant, but kind of led me into telling him. My reply was something along the lines of "yeah I was with my ex for a long time too and he gave me herpes." Now, mind you, this is exactly the opposite of what I wanted to say. I thought long and hard about it before and I didn't even want to mention my ex. For my own healing process I wanted to make this about me, not about him. I wanted to simply say, "I have herpes." But I can still barely say this out loud in private. And at the time, I couldn't even bring myself to start this conversation. So as much as I didn't want it to come out this way, it did, and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. So I said it, then turned the other way and buried my face in my pillow. Also not at all how I wanted to react. The confidence that I had been working at for so long was totally out the window at this point. What could I do, at least the hardest part was over. Then, without even a second of hesitation, he grabbed me and turned me over to look at him and just said "it's okay, we'll figure it out; it's not a deal breaker." He even had a tear in his eye when he saw how upset I was! What?!? This couldn't really have been happening like this, right? He didn't run out of the room screaming. Didn't even think twice. Shortly after he joked, "do you want me to fuck him up?" HA! We talked for a while about it. He said he was worried I was going to tell him I had a boyfriend who was out of town and coming back or I was pregnant or something. (Which he also said wouldn't be a deal breaker; what kind of creature is this guy?!) He asked me if I have outbreaks and I said about 2-3 times a year and they're nothing more than a nuisance really. Then I tried explaining to him that at this point, the disease is almost entirely psychological. He was confused about what I meant by that so I said that physically it's not really an issue but mentally it's caused a lot of problems for me. He replied, "pardon my ignorance and this may be a stupid question, but does it affect your brain?" Priceless!! He proceeded to tell me that we didn't have to have sex for a while if I was uncomfortable and he was fine with continuing to take things really slow. He then said that he knew it was really common but didn't really know much about it. I started telling him statistics and even pulled a book out of my drawer for him to look at; he said he would later and asked if I had any pamphlets! I told him that he could even have it and not know and he laughed and said something like, "well if I have it then we don't have anything to worry about." It was all just such a non-issue and I was and still am blown away by the experience. Things are still going well and we're getting a little more serious so we will see what happens, but I have to say that regardless of how it works out with him, the whole disclosure experience was incredibly therapeutic and healing for me. I know that when/if I have to tell anyone else it will likely still be difficult, but I know that there are good people out there who won't judge me and will still love me for me. I AM NOT HERPES! And neither are any of you reading this. I really hope that my story, and the others on this forum, may help other people realize this truth. I can't thank everyone on here enough for all the advice and encouraging words. Much love to you all.

Well it's been about a month now since I started dating this guy and I still haven't told him. Of course we haven't slept together but we have been pretty intimate and I've even spent a couple of nights with him. He's been a gentleman and hasn't tried anything but I'm not sure how much longer that can go on for. So I'm really starting to freak out about this whole thing. I don't know if I can tell him! I'm still feeling relatively okay about and accepting of my situation, but I just don't think I can bring myself to say it. I am terrified. I really like him and we've been spending a fair amount of time together and I know he's really into me. I keep coming back to the idea of just breaking it off now. I've been doing a lot of work on myself recently and have been doing really well after many years of struggling with some mental health issues and I'm just so afraid that this could really set me back. If I walk away now I know I will be sad but I think I will still be able to continue on my current path to health and happiness. I don't know if I could handle it if I tell him and it doesn't go well. Honestly, I just don't even know if I can bring myself to tell him at all. This sucks. It's making me more depressed just thinking about it and I feel like if I just call it quits now I will feel better sooner. Maybe it's just too soon and I need more time to fully come to terms with all of this. And to do more work on myself. Or maybe I should just give up on love altogether. Ugh it's so unfair! I just want to be normal and feel deserving of love like I used to. I don't want to have to think about this anymore. I want to be able to have relationships like I used to. To not have to think about having the talk every time I'm with him. To not feel dirty and gross anymore. To not dwell on the fact that even if I find someone who may be okay sleeping with me, I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to have oral sex with me. Truth be told, I wouldn't want to. In fact, after my ex and I were diagnosed, I never wanted to do it to him. I'm ashamed but I was somewhat grossed out by the thought of it and even more terrified of the possibility of getting it on my mouth as well. While there is no real stigma around oral herpes, the thought of someone seeing it on my face and making any sort of comment might be the end of me. I already feel like it's stamped on my forehead. I'm so tired of this, I already feel like it's setting back any progress I've made. I don't know how much longer I can take this stress. And to make things worse, I'm in the middle of the first outbreak I've had in many months. And it's relocated to a more visible and exposed area, which I imagine will make it easier to pass on to someone. It's no longer in a spot which would be protected by a condom if I were to have sex, but now it's in a place that will come into contact with a sexual partner, with or without a condom. This is the second time it's been here so I'm assuming it's found a new home, at least for a while. All of my other outbreaks were in the same spot until the last one. This really sucks.

Thank you all so much! Words cannot express my appreciation for all of your support and for this forum. I've made it clear to him that we're taking this very slow and I'm definitely not ready to tell him just yet. I'm hoping I will just know when the time is right and I will be able to disclose with confidence. I have felt pretty good lately about all of this and I just hope I can make that come through during the talk. I watched the video a while back and read through the ebook quickly but will do both again soon. The more I think about it, the less concerned I am with being rejected right off the bat. He's opened up to me and shared some pretty personal stuff, which makes me think he might be okay with it. My biggest concern really is not being immediately rejected, but him saying he's okay with it and then getting freaked out about it later on. Even if he has good intentions, I'm worried that he will be too afraid to sleep with me. Truth be told, before knowing what I know now, I think I may have been too freaked out to have taken the risk if someone had disclosed to me. I'd like to think that if I cared about someone enough I would have taken the time to educate myself and not have made this a deal breaker. But I can't say for sure. I'm sorry to say I used to laugh at herpes jokes too... A couple other things keep coming up regarding this whole thing. One is whether or not, assuming I tell him and he decides to continue seeing me, to ask him to get tested (for everything) and show me the results. I feel like this is really important but it also makes things complicated. (Especially because he doesn't have health insurance.) Also, a big thing I'm afraid of is passing it to him and then him being angry and resentful. I am still not over my anger toward my ex and I trust that he didn't even know he had it! And that anger was very detrimental to our relationship. I can't stand the thought of anyone being as angry at me as I was at him. Thanks again to all who took the time to read this and respond. It means so much to me and I will keep you all posted as to how it goes!

I don't know what to do! I was diagnosed with herpes after almost a year of dating my ex and stayed with him far longer than I would have because I was too afraid that no one else would ever want to be with me. Finally, after 3+ years we broke up and it's now been around 7 months. I hadn't had to deal with it while we were together because we both had it and am just now really having to face it. It's taken a while and I am most certainly not over it, however I am finally beginning to feel okay with it and accept it as a part of me. And I am finally ready to move on from the ex and meet someone new. I posted a while ago about just wanting casual sex and while I still think about that at times, that's really not what I want now. (And I never did act on it.) So I very recently met this guy and we have really hit it off. We've only been out a few times but I feel a really strong connection with him and I know he feels the same. It's very new and, without getting too ahead of myself, I feel like we could really have something great. The whole "talk" thing is really weighing on me and, while I have begun to come to terms with my reality, I am in no way, shape or form comfortable telling him. I don't want to do it. I want to pretend like it's not real and let him continue to live in blissful ignorance. I HATE THIS!! I keep hoping he will tell me he has herpes so then I can simply say "me too" and we can laugh about it and move on. I don't know how to get those words out of my mouth. I've been going through it in my head and in that conversation it feels like I can just spit it out with confidence and if he rejects me I can just say "well screw you then." But I know that isn't true. I would be devastated. Both because I really like him, but also because I think that that would just bring me right back to a place where I've worked so hard to get out of. I want to tell him so that I can stop thinking about it. I want to be rejected (if that is what will happen) sooner than later to save some pain cause I feel like I could really fall for him. But I don't want to give him the opportunity to reject me so easily. I want to make it that much harder for him to reject me by letting him get to know me better and like me more. I absolutely will not sleep with him without first telling him but I'm perfectly okay waiting a while longer to sleep with him. Is it wrong to wait to tell him until he falls hard for me? I wouldn't be putting him at risk if we're not intimate so does he deserve to know sooner? AHHH!! I can't take it! I'm considering just giving up on the whole thing just to save myself from having to have the conversation. But I don't want to give up! I want to get to know him better. I want to love someone again! I don't want to be alone forever! I am an awesome person and I AM NOT THIS DISEASE! AHHH!! I realize this is likely similar to other posts on the forum and I'm just sort of rambling, but I needed to get this out. Comments and encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Love to all my H friends!

This is such a great dialogue and I love what everyone is saying. I just want to mention one thing, Fml, in response to when you said that you don't see the correlation between forgiving yourself and your immune system. I'm currently in school studying holistic and alternative medicine and have learned a fair amount about the relationship between psychological and physical health. Some of you may already be aware of this but there is in fact an entire field of study called psychoneuroimmunology. I know, big science word that is hard to pronounce, but forget about what it's called and take note of it's meaning. Scientists have proven that there is a DIRECT LINK between high levels of stress and poor immune functioning. There is no debate over this. It is FACT. I can show you studies if you'd like. Everyone else has done a great job of saying positive, uplifting things, and if you're anything like me, you may not want to hear any more of "forgive yourself", "it will get better", etc. Not that those words are bad and in fact, I'm learning to love them. But in times of self-loathing when it seems like the world is out to get you and may come crashing down at any moment, sometimes it's nice to just hear "you're right, this sucks, I feel disgusting and I hate my life." There's a comfort and a sense of camaraderie in that. I mean, congratu-freaking-lations to you all for moving past your anger and self-loathing but I'm not there yet and frankly I don't think I will ever be. (That's not actually how I feel at this moment but I did for a long time and still have days like that.) It's a struggle but I am slowly moving past these negative feelings about myself. But I digress... I just wanted to mention that psychoneuro-psycho babble stuff so that people were aware of it and able to look into and understand the scientific basis behind the correlation between stress (including anger, sadness, self-loathing, etc.) and our wonderful dis-ease. So, if and when you're up for it, even if it's only one minute a day, try to de-stress however you can. Think happy, loving thoughts. If for no other reason than to enhance your immune system and maybe keep an outbreak at bay for an extra day, week, hour. Who knows, at some point you may even start to believe yourself. Much love to you all.

Thanks so much for your reply! That your friend feels even better about this girl because she has herpes gives me hope when I often feel like there isn't any. To (attempt to) answer your questions: 1) I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about it. I tend to be a pretty logical person and, logically, I don't really think that it is my responsibility to look out for any random person that I don't know or care about. If they are willing to knowingly take the risk, they carry the responsibility for the outcome and their own well-being. I don't think it would really affect my integrity. Does this thought process make me a bad person? I would NEVER intentionally pass the virus and have always been as careful as possible during the few casual encounters I had before it, as I would be if I decide to have one now. That said, I do think I may feel some sense of guilt. My logic and ability to play the devil's advocate rarely outweigh my gut. Logic aside, I wonder how I would feel on the other side of this story, if I didn't have herpes, and found out that some guy I slept with did and didn't tell me. Though again, I am a grown up and I take responsibility for my own actions and risks that I decide to take. Obviously I'm torn and am just writing my thoughts as they come. I can't decide. 2) I think this would be my major concern. I am fully aware that one-nighters sometimes turn into more serious relationships. Actually, that's not a far stretch from how my last one started. And that would definitely suck. I could not continue a relationship without telling the guy and I realize this would likely have a detrimental effect on a potential relationship. So again, I'm torn.

I should add, I have not acted on this, and most likely will not, as I don't necessarily agree with my own argument. Though I do think it logical and not necessarily a bad action, I am a very honest person with strong moral convictions, and as much as I would like to, I don't think I could follow through with this. I am, however, struggling with the thought that casual sex is no longer an option for me and am simply curious as to other people's thoughts and opinions. And really I would just love for someone to give me permission to pretend, if only for a moment, that this isn't my reality...

I love this discussion and have been struggling with this for some time now. I was in a monogamous relationship when I was diagnosed three years ago but have since ended the relationship. It's going on 6 months now and I've been too freaked out to even consider disclosing to anybody. I lead a very busy lifestyle and even if I felt comfortable enough to disclose and begin a new relationship, I have little time or desire to do so. But I miss sex! I never thought of myself as promiscuous, but during times that I was not seriously involved with anyone, I have enjoyed a handful of casual encounters, as well as some "friends with benefits" situations. With my life as it is now, dealing with the end of a serious relationship, and not in a position to get involved in another, that is all I really want right now. I believe whole-heartedly that it would be wrong to not warn a potential partner, with whom I would like to have a serious or even semi-serious connection with, about his risk, should he choose to have sex with me. But, assuming I am not in the midst of an outbreak, and I insist on using a condom, is it so wrong not to disclose to someone who I am not interested in pursuing after the evening? I realize that there is risk involved, but shouldn't he? Whether or not one has a disease, at this point in our existence, I think it's fair to assume everybody is aware of the possibilities of contracting one. (And frankly, I'm quite picky, and wouldn't sleep with someone who is not intelligent enough to be aware of said risks.) If he is willing to spend the night with me, knowing that any sexual encounter carries some risk, is it really that wrong for me not to tell him? I would, in fact, be taking the same, or potentially much more serious risk, by spending the night with him. As adults, aren't we responsible for our own actions and shouldn't we be allowed to make risky decisions, if we so desire? I was with my (now ex) boyfriend for almost a year, having unprotected sex for the majority of that time, before I became infected. He had never had any symptoms and didn't know (or so he said) that he had it. I have read the research and know that the risk of transmission is much less likely when one is asymptomatic. I have had one outbreak in about eight months, down from almost one per month during the first year. I'm still struggling with the thought of disclosing and, as I said, I have little want to get involved in a serious relationship. So can I please just go get laid, without having to think/talk about this?!?