Initially, I was so distraught over this diagnosis despite the fact that I've always considered myself super sex positive and open. I found out at the worst time, I was dating a guy who I was really interested in and we'd already been sexually intimate, when I discovered I had a rash, I went to the doctor and stopped sleeping with the guy, and when I got the diagnosis I was angry because I thought the new guy had passed it to me. But the doc explained that I had the HSV-2 virus in my blood and that it takes time to manifest in bloodwork, which led me to my previous partner, who admitted he was positive when I confronted him. So I am dealing with the fact that I have this, while also feeling so guilty over the fact that I may have passed it on to an innocent party. When I told my new guy, he was so freaked out, and said if he ended up contracting it, he would be willing to continue with me but otherwise it wasn't going to work. I immediately called it off because I clearly have to deal with this new diagnosis and he is so distraught over his own possible diagnosis that I feel like I haven't even had time to deal with my own shit, also, I ultimately being with someone who is only with me because of our positive status makes me feel yucky.
I was feeling very sad yesterday, when a former partner of mine who had been trying to get in touch with me texted. I finally responded and told him that I had herpes and he did NOT care. He wanted to have a sexual relationship despite my status, and this made me feel so much better, like I'm not a friggen leper. Needless to say, this guy came over and we had amazing sex, I don't know what will transpire but just knowing that I won't always be rejected was super nice and I needed it so much at that time.
I am still so sad, nervous that I passed it on, wondering if this rejection will ever get easier. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that despite having such a minimal impact on my physical life (a weird rash? like, almost a chafing? Come on, I'd always thought herpes was some oozing gross enormous painful permanent ugly mess) the impact on my social and emotional life has been PROFOUND. I know I am not unique in this respect. We are all in this weird secret society, feeling like shit, feeling undesirable, confused, and some days like human trash.
But I am really hoping to connect here, none of my friends have this, all of my friends I tell sort of look at me like "OH I feel so bad for you" which just makes me feel worse. So, that's my story, thanks for listening!
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