Cam

You got this!

So.. I have herpes.. Maybe? For the past two months i've assumed I do. I have the symptoms. They've lasted for a few weeks, disappeared for a week or so, then returned. I've been to the doctor, I asked to be tested, and was. Negative of all STI's on the standard screening. Negative... of all on the standard... meaning I was never actually tested for herpes. When I realized this I asked my doctor about the possibility of herpes. "I wouldn't worry about being tested. From what I see it just looks like irritation, perhaps jock itch. Even if it was herpes, a test wouldn't tell you how long you've had it or who you got it from, so there's really no point." I bought it. Maybe it is just jock itch. Its finally getting warm again in NC, so that seems reasonable. Thats got to be it. But my mind kept ticking. Something didn't feel right. I've become bitter, caught in the limbo of having herpes and my life being 'over', and being what it always was. I already struggled being happy with myself before the possibility of herpes arose. Now it just feels like one thing after another being thrust on me. How could I ever be my old self and happy again. Do I even want to be my old self? Was that someone I respected? Or was I being what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. Was I ever true to myself? I don't think so. I've always been caught up in what others think of me. I found people I liked, had things in common with, and tried to alter myself into being someone I thought they wanted me to be. It sounds silly I know, but I've never had much confidence in myself. Its something I've tried working on for a few months now, which this whole herpes thing has thrown a wrench into. Will I ever find that 'soul mate' all my friends seem to be finding now? Being in my mid 20s everyone is starting to get hitched and have kids. Before I started having symptoms, I entertained the idea of being single the rest of my years. It was never what I really wanted but I slowly became okay with the fact. But when that thought was running through my head, it was still a choice I was making to be single. Now, if I do have H, it seems like its been thrust upon me. Sorry, I know i'm rambling. I just had to get somethings off my chest. These past two months have been incredibly stressful. I plan on getting tested soon too. I know that simple test would reduce my stress significantly. I've sent a message off too my doctor and am just waiting to schedule an appointment in the next week. Thanks for listening. You're all wonderful :)

Ron Burgundy says it best ...