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Can I just say that this community is awesome? I'm really wracking my brain, and I can honestly say she never said any of those things or acted that way in bed. Never paused to say "Is this alright" or anything like that. And @JingleBelle, you are absolutely right. In your role reversal scenario, add in that the boyfriend was telling my female friend/sister that he was really falling for her, waking up thinking of her, texting her every morning with a 'Morning!' and cartoon, checking in throughout the day. Then starts pressuring to have intercourse saying why won't you just f___ me? I don't understand. I need to have intercourse in order to feel accepted. Something I haven't shared but will right now. I have mentioned that I went out of my way to show her my sexual attraction, and it took a lot of trust for me to be sexual with her, especially showing her my penis and and arousal (that especially)...which I did often. But I also told her that I was saving my sexuality for her- no masturbation. This may sound weird to you, I don't know, but I wanted to keep that special part for her. Who wouldn't be happy to be developing a wonderful relationship with all the feelings she was communicating? It's a wonderful thing! I remember on our first real date she said "I can't believe someone hasn't come and scooped you up!" And before intercourse became an 'issue' (and only a few dates in) she went out of her way to say that "your my boyfriend" and "I'm not dating anyone else, just want you to know". Really pushing it forward. I wonder if she is in such a difficult psychological dilemma that she let the "need to be accepted" overwhelm what was obvious right in front of her...a man falling in love with her. Maybe split between the need for holding, hair stroking, walking and holding hands (which she told me many times she absolutely loved) and the whole fixation on intercourse. I know I get a little wordy, but you all are helping me work this out as I write. Thank you so much!

@MMissouri As obvious as that sounds, I didn't really think about this until now. It feels different to actually write that out. Why WOULDN"T a person say those things? I was very cognizant of her issue, but it seems like she had such tunnel vision of needed to have intercourse "in order to feel accepted", that she never considered making me feel accepted. Thank you for that insight.

@Mmissouri thanks for your response. I can say that not once did she ever say the following, or anything similar: "let's just take it slow and see how you feel" "I know this must be heavy/intense for you, we can take our time" "how are you feeling" "given your history, how are you feeling about sex" "should we try ______? What feels comfortable for you?" "What would you feel comfortable doing?" "Sexuality is part of the relationship but not the whole thing..." "I understand you don't want to get hsv, I wouldn't either if I were you......we can feel our way forward don't worry" etc, etc She never said any of these things, or acted like she thought of any of these things.

@m8kingArt Oh yea, and I'm looking for a therapist now. As I mentioned, it took a lot for me to share my sexuality with her- I essentially fully trusted her. I don't do that very easily. Haven't dated in 8 years, never have hookups, haven't had sex in 8 years. I don't look for it, don't try to date, don't use dating apps. This was a very big deal for me, and it ended with such hurt and confusion.

@m8kingArt.....Yep, I got what you were saying, and I appreciate it. Exactly my point too.....I didn't make her feel dirty, I don't have that power. And I didn't feel that way, nor did I act that way. I kissed her all over, massaged her, held her. You seem very insightful. Yes I am beating myself up over it, and I am very confused and sad. A theory has popped into my head that she got wasted that Saturday night (it was a beer festival) and had sex with someone. And rather than telling me that, she simply chose the path of making me feel bad and pulling away immediately. Because, obviously, that person wanted to have sex with her so I must think she's dirty. That would explain the sudden shift in tone on Sunday. Just a theory, but who knows.

Thank you so much to you @miji69 and @m8kingArt. Everybody on these boards is so nice and helpful. Even though this whole thing is only related to someone else with herpes, I'm glad that it's of use to to others to talk through this situation. @m8kingArt she more than said the process is making her feel dirty, she said I make her feel dirty. Which is not a very nice thing to say, especially if you could see how affectionate I was with her and how often I told her I was so happy to have found her. The more I think about this- and I do about every minute of every day- it seems that she was seeing everything everything through the lens of feeling dirty. Times we spent together walking and holding hands, enjoying each others company, she interpreted as being 'rejected' if we didn't have intercourse. There was a mountain of evidence that I was falling in love with here, a mountain of evidence that I wanted her and that we would be having sex, a mountain of evidence that I absolutely adored her, but all she could feel was that I made her feel dirty and rejected. It absolutely baffled me when she said that; there was nothing about my behavior toward her that communicated that. I spoke with a good female friend last night who has herpes, and she is completely blown away by this story. She told me she'd NEVER tell a man who she really likes, is introducing to her colleagues, and telling him she's seriously falling for that he has to have sex with her immediately or she feels rejected and dirty. She'd say let's build a relationship and enjoy each other as we feel our way forward. I don't know if you read the whole story, but the turn was sudden. She left for a weekend with girlfriends asking for pictures of us to show them, we were talking and texting as normal with all the lovey dove stuff, she was sending me pictures of herself having coffee in the morning saying she missed me. But Sunday morning the tone had changed, radically. I was psyched to come see her and asked when she'd get back...she wasn't sure what time. Normally she would have said what time they planned on leaving, I'll text you when we are getting ready, can't wait to see you, etc. But not sure what time was all I got. That afternoon when I came to see her she was distant, didn't want to lay on the bed and hold each other, sat with her back to me as we got takeout. The next day she didn't want to do a bike ride the next weekend because she had brunch with friends, where normally she would have said "of course! let me see what time I'm having brunch and then we'll ride!". In other words, it was over by Saturday night that weekend. Something happened and she went into pull away mode. Anyway, thank you everyone. I hope this story can be of use to those with and without herpes in the years ahead. Such a wonderful community.

Hi @Miji69, Thank you for sharing your story. It does seem similar in many respects. 6 months was a long time for the relationship you describe. I would think that if I were dating someone wonderful like you and couldn't get myself to be sexual in all that time I would get some couples therapy and really talk. In my situation we were together only 3 months (forgive me if I am repeating myself here). With our busy lives we'd only spent 3 nights together, one without a condom and one where it didn't fit, and one where it was so late in the evening and I had to work in the morning that it didn't feel like a special time to first have sex. But we did lot's of other things- oral, manual- kind of finding our way forward as we became more comfortable together. And as I said, I was very sexually attracted to her and went out of my way to show her that. So although I wanted to take it slow- just mostly around the intercourse itself- I was in no way not being sexual with her. She was the first person I ever invited to sleep over in my place in 10 years. I was so excited and happy that morning that I told her I'd go get her coffee and called my Dad as I walked to the coffee shop to tell him! For me, the very act of showing her my penis took huge courage. Allowing her to see it and touch it was an act of great trust. And we did get naked and lay with each other, which felt so nice to me that it brought tears to my eyes. I was absolutely so happy with her. So this sudden, over a weekend, turning cold. Accusing me of making her feel dirty, really just absolutely caught me off guard...and has hurt me deeply. How in the world could she think that with all the affection and sexual attraction I was showing her? Does she not know what a man falling in love with her looks like? I don't know, stream on consciousness this morning. It's been over a month now. I'm afraid what will happen to my PTSD if I get in contact with her and again. Thank you for you thoughtful reply!

Thank you so much. Tomorrow will be three weeks. I did communicate to her that I was sorry she was hurting and that my heart was hurting too with her pulling away, but she continued to distance and the next day was the last we communicated. The day before I called her and told her that I wanted her to know how much I cared about her. She just seems so fixated on the actual act of intercourse. She told me that's how "she feels accepted", "why don't you just take me", "every time we are together (not even home alone) and we don't have intercourse she "feels rejected". Now mind you, I hug her, kiss her, hold her as she falls asleep on my lap in the park, tell her how glad I am to have found her, I kiss her all over her body, give her long back rubs, have oral sex with her. In short, I showed her amazing amounts of attraction and affection, told her how much I cared for her, was so proud to be with her. I flat out told her we would have sex. And all she can see is that we didn't have intercourse on the 3 nights we spent together. One I didn't have condoms yet, one she did and we fumbled with it and lost the moment, and the third I had them but it was really late at night and I needed to be up early for work. So three nights together, two with condoms on hand, and 1 of which I told her to put it on me. All of that leads her to tell me "I make her feel dirty"? I 'reject her"?

Thank you for your thoughtful response. The think is when we got naked and came close to having intercourse, I'm the one who stopped it.....but we did have oral sex. This was before she disclosed, so I stopped from having sex without even knowing it. She only told me the next time we met up for a date. So yes, I was really sexually attracted to her, and was just as raring to go in the month to two months after she told me....you know, using our hands, even oral sex. And as I said, I went out and bought condoms (plus I went to get tested for STDs myself because I wanted to make sure not to give her anything). Thank you again for your response. I'm really torn about contacting her. My last message to her was that I wanted to see her and talk, was so sorry she was hurting and I was hurting too, and all she said was she was busy and not up for it that night. She knows I wanted to see her and talk to her, and now I'm afraid of bugging her or possibly making her mad. I've had zero contact with her, and expected I'd hear from her in a day or two.

I'm having a difficult situation with a new gf who has has genital herpes 2. She was diagnosed last fall and I'm the first serious relationship she's had since then. She says she got it from an ex-husband. We met 4 months ago and immediately hit it off. She asked for my number and texted for a date quite a bit, two weeks later we met up again had a wonderful time. We started texting a lot and she expressed a great desire to continue seeing me. We met for another date, had a bit to drink and kissed quite a bit. Our third date we ended up getting naked and having oral sex and very nearly intercourse until I stopped it. This is highly unusual for me. I haven't dated in 8 years because I had my heart broken by someone who had sex with me and then dumped me the next day with no warning. I was sexually abused as a kid and I try to be very careful about trusting someone with sexuality. The next date she informed me that she has herpes and probably should have told me before our last encounter. I told her about my sexual abuse past and how I like to take it slow and really need to trust for sex. When she told me she had herpes she cried and I put my arm around her and said "I'm not going anywhere". I promised I'd do some reading and study, but told her I really liked her and wanted to continue. We continued to text, call and generally build what I thought was a great relationship. We were making plans for the future, telling each other how much we liked each other. She told me I was her boyfriend, that she was really falling. I said the same to her. We continued to be physical, but not having intercourse. I had no condoms and thought we'd be exploring our sexuality together, doing all the things the herpes websites talk about, and getting to really know each other. I invited her to spend the night with me, which I never do but I really liked her. I was extremely affectionate and proud to be with her. We did engage in other sexual behavior, I expressed my sexual desire for her, and showed it to her. Very quickly, within the first couple of weeks, she started to ask me why we weren't having intercourse. I told her I like to take things slow, and I was really enjoying building our relationship. She soon started expressing frustration and anger that we weren't having intercourse, asking me why I wouldn't 'just take her'. I told her that this finding this amazing relationship was the hard part...we really were falling for each other and any 12 year old could have sex. We did tried to use condoms once but the ones she had were too small and we lost the moment. I went and bought condoms myself, told her we could have sex. She went away for a weekend with friends with all of our lovey dove feelings, asking for pictures of us to show her friends, etc...... then came back completely changed. We got together when she got back and she sat with her back to me, being distant, not returning texts, etc. She came over to my place and told me that "i make her feel dirty" and every time we are together and I don't 'just take her' she feels rejected. Within a day she told me she can't keep feeling this way, then stopped communicating altogether. She told me I make her feel bad and she refused to feel bad. She complained that she has to deal with the hsv every single day, constantly reminded of it because she takes medicine, and will not feel bad. I sent her a text and called her to say that I really, really care for her and would like to talk and see her, but she says she was busy and "wasn't up for it that night". That's the last I've heard from her, now 15 days. I'm completely heartbroken...I was really falling in love with her and she said that she was very much deeply falling for me. What the heck happened here? Can anyone tell me? We had a really beautiful relationship building and now she is simply gone.