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domesticatrix

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Everything posted by domesticatrix

  1. Cheers, Lelani! You are much appreciated and DEEPLY inspiring! In Thanks, Jessica
  2. You all are amazing! Lelani, I am also finding hope and strength with a more alkaline diet. Keep on keepin' on! And jlmj, we all experience this really differently. I have times where it seems like it will never retreat, and others where I almost forget it's still with me. Wish you the best.
  3. Also, is there a way to get an email when someone posts to your thread? This would inspire folks to check in more regularly perhaps.
  4. Hello You Two, I apologize for being absent. I am a full-time student and single mother. It's the end of the semester, we are moving, broke, and living the aftermath of their papa with a serious drug problem. Someone please call Jerry Springer. Anyhow, I think The H-opp had a lot of beneficial things to say in terms of your relationship as well as the way you think about your herpes condition, nettles. He's spot on. The words we choose can really help or hinder. I think I heir on the side of negative self-talk if I'm having frequent troubles. In terms of your issues, I TOTALLY get it. In fact, I also had an excruciating first outbreak. Often, I have prodrome (tingles, itchiness, and nerve pain) with no visible signs of outbreak. I go to get it checked out and the docs think I'm nuts. "There are no lesions," they say. "Yeah. Ummm. But my skin in crawling!" Makes me wanna tear my hair out. In response to H-Opp's question about the potential for post herpetic neuralgia, I have often wondered if I have nerve damage. (And that, my friends, makes me wanna cry a river.) I have mentioned this to docs who ritually shrug off my pain and hand me more Valtrex. This is why I'm modifying my diet and making a spiritual, healing, sensual, and resting place in my new home! I need to regenerate. I have healing potential within me. Need to find a way to tap that the way I used to my favorite fellas! ;)
  5. Hello All, Just returned from a trip with my kids. I see that there has been a continuation of the discussion I started on the Disclosure thread. I appreciate the discussion and hope to return to it soon. But, right now, I could really use some support. I am mad as hell. You know all the common triggers? Like sunlight, peanuts, chocolate, coffee, masturbation, booze, and sex? (Yeahhhhh.......the good things in life......) Well, of all of the above, the ones I hold dearest are masturbation and sex. In fact, if masturbation were an Olympic sport, I would surely qualify for a medal........ ;) Sadly, I am one of those folks who experiences frequent outbreaks, and even more sadly (in my opinion,) they are easily triggered by masturbation. I used to masturbate 10 times as much (and I wish I were exaggerating). I enjoy toys as well as manual stimulation. I used to have a sex toy biz and I work PT for sex ed events at a local sex toy store here in Milwaukee called The Tool Shed. Vibes are a few a of my favorite things. Unfortunately, I notice that the more intense my orgasms are (and vibes make me come harder than manual stim,) the more freakish and painful the "aftershocks." I have never read a thing about this phenomenon I experience with astounding regularity, but it feels like the nerves in my vulva are having spasmodic convulsions that do NOT feel at all like the healthy release of orgasm. I used to have multiple orgasms in a row each solo session. Now I get nervous to "come again." The nerves after coming feel like erratic and painful shocks. It's really hard to describe in words. All I can say, with great sadness and fury in my heart, is that this experience practically RUINS the pleasant and cozy experience of orgasm moments after the rhythmic contractions end. It's depressing as hell. I noticed that vibrators exacerbate this phenomenon, so I have recently taken to masturbating like I did in grade school...fully clothed and on my belly. But today, I was outrageously horny and since my man resides on a tiny island in the sea, it was time to get down and dirty with myself. I had an hour long solo session followed by a TREMENDOUS orgasm, shortly followed by 5 lonnnnng minutes of nerve spasms that required me to grab an icepack just to numb the sensation. Now, I'm having prodrome and thinking homicidal thoughts about the guy who bestowed me with the gift. (Remember kids, you can "think" whatever you wish.........) Anyway, none of this is doing me any good. This is not a rare occurrence for me. This is something that has happened after most orgasms. And my orgasms aren't the same, either. First and foremost, and I apologize if the gory deets are off-putting for some....I used to enjoy penetrative and clitoral stimulation every time I masturbated. I realized that penetration (even well lubricated,) seemed a culprit for prodrome, so I started masturbating mostly externally. SUPER BIG BUMMER. Secondly, I was one of those gals who could ejaculate and have these beautiful, soul shaking, emotional, heady G-spot orgasms. They were truly Amazzzzzzing. Guess what...Haven't had one in over 4 years. The pressure and repetition required for that kind of big-O is more than my body can take without experiencing discomfort. So...woe is me. Fa realz. I am on daily suppressants, recently gave up drinking and coffee, and started exercising regularly. I think stress is a major factor in all of this and diet may be key. Am currently reading "Crazy, Sexy Diet" by Kris Carr who was diagnosed with a rare and incurable form of cancer 10 years ago. She has an amazing attitude and swears by an alkaline diet to deter any form of chronic disease. So my next step (and it's a BIG one) is a 80/20 raw foods diet with supplements of wheat grass juice. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. I want my "girl" back, yo. If you have any ideas for me, or have experience or heard of this phenomenon I am calling "aftershocks," I encourage you to chime in. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but if you have been cursed with this sensation and resulting prodrome or outbreaks, I would love to hear from you. Perhaps we can commiserate. Have a "pity the poor pussy party." Ugh. I don't know. I am so beyond bummed..........
  6. Hi Lelani! I appreciate that you can dig it! And I am so happy to hear that you are experiencing relief. Sounds like you and I experience this virus similarly. For the last 4 months or so, I experience frequent prodrome (with or without outbreaks,) and I've been depressed and feeling kinda hopeless about my sex life. I really fear passing this virus on. Anyway, let's talk more about this process of singing herpes a damn lullaby soon! Peace, Jessica
  7. Thanks for the warm welcome and you are are very welcome as well!
  8. I think that you're right to feel wrong about not disclosing and you should follow your gut. It doesn't sound like entirely casual sex to me if you're really into the guy. The casual encounters I engage in have been just that...casual. This isn't to say I haven't had heady feelings for some of my lovers and friends I have sex with, but generally speaking, they are people I love and respect in a much less serious way. This does not relieve me of the responsibility to disclose, however. So, I do just that. I am unsure how to advise you. It looks like you might get hurt from the sound of your post. Personally, I try not to let fear prevent me from going after my desires, even if I know pain may be a consequence. You may never know what you're missing until you find out. :) I wish you the very best of luck on your decision and hope you let us know how it goes.
  9. I really appreciate all of the suggestions on disclosure that I have read on this site. I do, however, feel as though most of the discussions on disclosure are related to the desire for long-term, monogamous relationships. I really liked the example in the video by the site administrator on the "herpes talk," and would consider a dialogue such as this were I interested in pursuing a traditional relationship. However, I did not think it was conducive for folks interested in a quick, sexual experience. Perhaps this idea has yet to be addressed because conventional notions about having herpes also would have us believe that when you have herpes you "can't, shouldn't or wouldn't" have brief sexual encounters. I am sure many of you disagree with this notion, but I have yet to find a discussion for perverts like me :) addressing the subject. As it is, I have had herpes for 4 years now, (going on five?) and I still have little interest in long-term monogamous relationships, (although I do have a Jamaican boyfriend that I would consider sticking with for awhile we lived in the same country!) That said, it has been my pattern to always seek to meet my sexual needs with new partners simply because my needs are immense and unique. I would like to write more about what this experience has been like in the near future, but only have a few minutes at the moment. I just want to add that there are also ways of disclosing with dignity when you just want to indulge a tryst. I usually keep it really simple and say something like, "I carry the herpes virus and feel the need to disclose this information before we get physical. I understand if this makes you unsure or lose your interest. If you would like to, we can do other things that are sexual besides "fucking." If you are interested in a penetrative sex we can use rubbers. Let ya think about it." I was interested in everyone's take on casual sex encounters post positive diagnosis and if/how you disclose. The reason I think this is important is because most of the language we use around the subject of disclosure is almost always referring to the desire for connection to another based on the ideal of long-term monogamy. We tell ourselves, we want a relationship with this person, and the foundation of said relationship should be honesty. I would argue that the language we use and its premises should be more flexible than this and that we should extend this idea to every encounter; so that every encounter can be prefaced with honesty. I do not doubt that many on this site already see it this way, but I scarcely see it being discussed so thought I would broach the subject. To be honest myself, I find disclosing to people that I have deep and intense feelings for waaaaay more difficult than disclosing to folks I meet while traveling when I'm looking for a brief and sexy affair. I notice my level of confidence and the way I disclose changes situationally which tells me that I have work to do still on my own self worth and how this virus pertains to it. If it makes anyone feel like life is more "possible," know that in my 4 years of HSV2 positivity and between intense and painful outbreaks, I have had many encounters with mmmany partners, who all knowingly took a risk by sleeping with me. What I always like to remind myself is that every time I have sex, I too am taking a risk because many folks just don't know what they have.
  10. For context, this story was written by me and published in Christopher Scipio's "Herpes Nation," a few years ago. I am brand new to this site, seeking new perspectives and healing options. I thought I would introduce myself first and share this piece of writing before I really begin to interact. I have been reading the posts of some on this forum the past few days and feel that this site and the people on it, have a great deal of potential and positivity. My Thanks for reading and I hope that you enjoyed it.
  11. Why? Why is this so hard for me to write about something I've been so open about, yet so troubled by, for over a year now? Herpes. That insidious cellular parasite that crept into the nerve ganglia of my sacral cells. Sacral. Sacrum. Sacred? The quote I remember most from Tom Robbin's "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues," was, "I believe in everything. Nothing is sacred. I believe in nothing. Everything is sacred." In the past seven years, I have grown closer and closer to believing in the sacred nature of my vulva, my vagina, my breasts, my womb, my clit. I study myself in the mirror. Breasts beginning to sag, their firm, supple nature a relic of a past body, a body that had yet to mother. They are now reminders of the suckling of two tender infants and toddlers, nourished by their goodness during their formative years. My breasts, heavy on my belly, have served their primary purpose. A job well done. My belly, stretched to its skin's very limits, is defined by pale scars, soft depressions reminiscent of tree roots. It protrudes a soft mound of loosened flesh reminding me of its emptiness, void of the life it once had the divine privilege of manifesting. My vagina, in all its pains and glories, sheds the blood of my womb each month with the moon to remind me of my sacred role as a woman, creator of new life. My vulva, sweet mound I hold so dear, home to the holy bundle of glorious nerve endings, all of which I had no words for until post-pubescence. All of the sweet, mysterious sensations that I felt while secretly pleasuring myself as a young child were accompanied by a predominating sense of guilt and fear. There were years of disdain for my vulva. How it looked (when I was brave enough to examine it,) how it felt, when I was finally overcome by desire enough to touch it, and most importantly, how I thought I was supposed to feel about having one. A little girl learns that the pains of childbirth are akin to torture. It filled me with a fear most morose. Menstruation. . ."the curse." I felt condemned to a life of inconvenience, monthly pains, and a dirtiness I was required to hide to avoid embarrassment. Shame. There was no mention in sex-ed of female masturbation, but plenty of information about erections and "wet dreams." I had no language to describe my own experience. I lived with the guilt and anxiety that I was somehow "hurting myself." I lived in fear of the inevitability of the pain that would accompany my first penetration and the new realization that virgin or whore, there lay the same degradation. And now, seven years into my own personal sexual revolution, having finally freed myself of the guilt I harbored for so long for being so sexually alive and curious from such an early age, I must choose to transform my relationship with my herpes virus. Herpes. Oh, herpes. Why must you attack that which I love and pride so much, so violently? Why do you send little shoots of pain, panic, neurotic, spasmodic, low voltage shocks directly through the path that brings me ecstasy? Why do you birth and multiply in my wetness that I once reserved for myself and my lovers? Why do you rob me of my of energy and insist in keeping me away from the goodness of the sunlight? Why do you make me cry? Again, and again? In this moment, I can feel the lymph nodes in my groin begin to swell, trying to protect me from another attack. In my mind, I imagine the beauty of my lover, sending currents of pleasure rushing to my clitoris. I hesitate to engage it. To quell it. To LOVE it. It seems my vagina is plagued and confused by your all too frequent reappearances and sudden disappearences. Can I not grow to understand you better so that I can once again reclaim the purity and the goodness of my sexuality? Today, you make me so sad. You make me wish I would have never trusted my former lover who passed you on to me. But what good is dwelling on regret? This image, branded somehow into my psyche of a single, suspicious, small wound on the tip of a flacid penis. The lovemaking was over when I noticed you. The damage already done. Ten days later, my genitals had not experienced such burning and misery since the crowning of childbirth. And when the diagnosis was confirmed all I could think of was, "No! No! No! Please, no! Not that! Anything but that! There is no cure! It will never go away!" Such a loss I am feeling. A loss of my sexual health, and my sexual freedom, an essential part of my being. I trust that my body, this body who has birthed and re-birthed itself, will in time learn to better accommodate this virus so that it will lie asleep, contentedly asleep. I want to love again. I want to fuck again. I want to be relieved of any shame that I carry for having contracted this disease. I want to enjoy my own body without the fear of an orgasm disrupting the nerve endings and causing me more grief. I want to be understood and accepted. I want to be humbled by the reality of the vulnerability of the human body without wallowing in self-pity and remorse. If I were to believe in everything, and that nothing is sacred. . .then I am one with all that is good and bountiful and beautiful as well as all that is dark and scarce and subject to pain and suffering. If I were to believe in nothing, and that everything is sacred. . . then I fully embrace the same paradox that is life with the possibility of finding something sacred, something true and something to be grateful for. . .in Everything.
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