Transient_Guest

@optimist I really appreciate what you said about not assuming who can handle my news, and sharing early. Just getting out of this relationship has made me miss casual dating and the occasional one-nighter. And I've felt that I can no longer have those things because I have hsv. I'm not ready to jump into another relationship, but I do want to explore and feel free enough to have a FWB situation, if that's what I feel is right. The stigma for me has made me feel like a slut. (Even though I got it from a man I loved for 4 years, who was dishonest.) And because of that stigma, when I think of having a one night stand I feel extra shameful and undeserving. So grateful for your response!

I was diagnosed with Herpes 4 years ago, when I was 22. I went through a solid year of transformation where I went from feeling disgusting in my own body and not deserving of love - to accepting, forgiving, and loving myself. After a year and a half of my initial diagnosis, I started dating a guy who really showed up for me. I dated a few people during that time, but none of them seemed like appropriate candidates to share such vulnerable information with, so those relationships never got far (literally). But this guy was different. You seem to get a sense of the type of people who could handle such information without running to the door. Finally one night I had "the talk" I had obsessed about for over a year. And he was surprised of course, but took it so incredibly well. That 15 minute conversation and *poof*, my fears were dust. We dated for 2 and a half years. Aside from taking my Acyclovir pill every morning & night, herpes was rarely ever discussed or thought about. I would even FORGET that I had it! I stopped visiting my Herpes forum, and moved on with my life. But then during rough patches in our mostly loving and kind relationship, I would think to myself... "you can't leave him.. he's accepted you for your flaws! ...You'd have to have that scary conversation all over again. He's a good guy. Stay. Make it work." We finally broke up a few months ago. And I can say it was for the best. We were holding each other back. Also- My ex never got herpes. We didn't use condoms, but I take very good care of myself diet/health wise, and always take my pills, and anytime I didn't feel 100% downstairs, we got creative. But now I'm here. Soon to be 27. Single. And this is where I'm having trouble: I used to be a very sexual person! I don't mean I wanted sex constantly.. I mean, I EMBRACED my sexuality. I felt sexually FREE. And since I was diagnosed, I feel like I have to stifle that part of myself. And you know what? I MISS IT! I am beautiful, and I'm in the prime of my life!! And yet, I *pause* my sexuality in the beginning, so I can grill a man to figure out if he's trustworthy and kind, or shallow and a scum bag. I don't get to be careless and free and sexy. I have to be smart, and choosy, and critical. I have to decide "Is this someone I can share my deepest darkest secret with?" I look at him and think "could you handle it? Could you really handle it?" I feel like I'm going through my diagnosis again.. I think about what a luxury it was to be able to meet someone and go out on dates with them and then have sex with them, without my mind swirling with dread the whole time wondering when it's the right time to drop the bomb. I miss the fun of dating. Now meeting someone new feels more serious than exciting, and I'm so tired. Any advice on how to let myself relax again? I'm having a difficult time getting back into the dating swing of things, and craving the freedom I had before getting diagnosed. I really appreciate any love sent my way. I just need to be reminded that I'm not alone here.