Hi All
So, two years ago I got diagnosed with HSV2.
I had moved overseas to be with my boyfriend. It was our first two months of living together and stupidly I did not insist on an STD check. We were caught up in the passion. He told me he got coldsores on his mouth from the start of the relationship and I was glad he informed me as I did not have any kind of herpes. We agreed to avoid kissing when he felt one coming on. And when it happend - we did just that. I felt respected and good.
All in all I felt loved, happy, respected and madly in love.
Until I wake up with the symptoms one day in agony. Coincidentally in the light of day see a sore on his genitals. I instinctively knew what it was. I asked him 'what is that?' and he saidit's a sore from having too much sex. He said It comes sometimes, maybe I'm too rough . He said I just put cream on it. I say well, that looks like herpes to me...
He said what do you mean? And he looked genuinely ignorant. I said, you know how you get coldsores, its that, but on ur genitals. Have you ever seen a Dr about it? And he said No no i dont think its that - how?
Anyway long story short he came with me to the Dr where they confirmed HSV2. I was devastated. in pain. angry. sad. I felt trapped.
We did a full STD screen of both of us and it came back with HSV2 for us both. So I guess the one on his mouth is HSV2, as is the genital one.
Anyway he cried and cried and cried and was apologising profusely swearing black and blue he never knew he had the genital one. He called his sister and mother with my permission to tell them what happened and they were very loving and kind to me. His sister said I had a right to be pissed off - but also believed , as did his mum, that he really never knew.
We moved past it slowly but i felt resentment to him. I tried not to feel it but I did. I felt depressed to be honest. I asked if he cheated or something, he said no unfortunately its just because he has always had it and never been diagnosed. He said outbreaks for him were limited to what i saw. Which was one, tiny little red sore. So small you would think it was an ingrown hair.
Anyway, 6 months on and we are still together. I have my 3 year pap smear and low and behold have high risk HPV. I completely lose my shit. I had never heard of HPV. We both went to drs in shock, as we thought our full std screening included this but it didnt.
I now lose all faith in him and our relationship. I lose more respect and self esteem. I get depressed. gain weight. Stop going gym. Stop looking good for myself and him and he keeps trying and being nice but eventually pulls away to friends too. We argue a lot and still feel the love, but the trust is somehow broken.
The gyno we saw when i had a colopscopy discharged me saying my biopsy is normal and fine - thank god. He said hpv is so common and condoms dont protect anyway. I ask about cheating and he laughs and is kind, my partner is so ashemed on verge of tears, the dr looks at us and says no, you can carry it from ur first partner to ur last - no way to know. He said it tends to reveal itself whent he immune system is low. My immune system was SO low. My dad got cancer in that time, I started a new job in a new country, new relationship, herpes, now HPV . I was fried.
Anyway. Now its 2.5 years into the relationship. He has been supportive attending regular dr appointments with me. He cooks good food and is keen to learn about lysine and natural supplements. He is loving and nurturing and never gives me reason to think he is cheating or ever would (withthe exception of these stds)
So i really dont know what to do..because inside I still resent him for this. I dont know how to get past it. i dont know how to forgive - purely because I dont believe he didnt realsie he had genital herpes...he had the mouth one, he knows what it looks like, how could he not put 2 and 2 together? Then again he does come from a very conservative eastern, muslim culture that isnt as open as we are in the west about sex. It is shamed and youre expected to figure these things out alone. He told me all he knew is what his mum drummed into him about wear a condom for protection agaisnt HIV. so, he did!
Anyway I hope someone on here can please give me some advice on how to proceed.
I dont mean to be too graphic but when I asked him when he first noticed the sore on himself he told me it was 4 years ago in his room. He had been masturbating , he distinctly remembered the moment because he spat on his hand and when he rubbed himself it hurt in one place, he looked and figured his thumb ring must have caught the skin. He siad thats the first time he really went 'whats that?'.
As for HPV, its true I could have had it before I met him but no pap smear before picked it up. So its awfully coincidental.
I did meet him 6 months after the end of his relationship with a woman. But we didnt sleep together until months later. So, I'm not sure if that means anything, but, anyway...
I do love him. I love him SO much. He is kind, makes me feel beautiful even when I have breakouts, his family love and welcome me, he gives 100percent of his effort in all he does. His friends are nice and his humour is amazing. He did cry and feel shame and sadness after all this. So hes not emotionally void. I just wish I culd stop resenting him and move on.
Then again i do doubt mysef . What if its all lies, what if he did know he had it and gave it to me to trap me, or didnt care? What if he lies - that would be a huge issue .
Your input encouraged - sorry for length jsut feels so good to get this off my chest. I have only told one friend and my mum . Adn my mum is very judgemntal and now kinda bitchy to him which i hate and set a boundary with. When i was young, she told me an aunty of mine had genital herpes - and used to say 'ewww thats viral, so disgusting, thats what you get for sleeping around with those dirty surfer guys'. And even as a kid i thought wow, thats so mean. Its not her fault. I guess i regret telling her. but in the moment of panic overseas with no true or deep friends u can trust, and not even sure if ur partner is for real,,,its like, what choice do i have...anyway. Thanks guys. Feels good to talk x