jtm009

I am 44 year old female. I was diagnosed with gHSV1 when I was 17. I havent had an outbreak for 20 years. Since I left my marriage and back to dating, I am terrified of disclosure. I have disclosed twice and both times rejected - made to feel like I had the plague. This has spun me into paranoia about any sexual contact and has really damaged my confidence. I didn't think it would have brought me down so much, after years of healing and learning to love myself. It seems more of a stigma now than when I dated in my 20s, where I was only rejected once. Now twice in 3 months, makes me want to never be vulnerable in that way again. Anyway, i have met someone and our sexual chemistry is intense. It is still early and slowing it down is fine for now. However, We got alot more sexual than I planned the other night, there was just lots of petting and fingering. (No oral or sex). I was extremely dry when he was fingering me vigorously (due to wine - not usually a problem). It has been 4 days since that night. Last night I noticed tingling and some itching, felt little bumps. This morning the bumps were bigger, looking white inside and itchy. I am wondering if this is an outbreak, it has been so long. Could the dry friction from fingering, along with my high stress of rejection and herpes paranoia cause me to have an outbreak after so many years? I am also worried about the fact he fingered me, for his sake, there was no sign of any OB at the time. I have read that it is highly unlikely anything will happen if there is no active outbreak. Love to hear any thoughts.

I know exactly how you feel. Sounds like my Saturday night. He told me he never felt that way before with someone. When I told him - hsv1, and I haven't had an outbreak in 20 years, he said thats not something he can get past, didn't want to ask me about it, other than If I gave it to my ex with unprotected sex (which is no - we have 2 kids). I left, he wouldnt look at me or even offer to walk me to my car. He was such a gentleman before, servicing all of my needs, then all of a sudden it was like I had the plague. His response surprised me, especially from a man who has epilepsy, and had a brother who was gay and committed suicide because he couldn't come out of the closet. I told him befor I left that hes not even treating me like a human being. It is someones choice to reject, but to treat somone who was honest, open, vulnerable and caring with such disdain. This is where boundaries are so important. Love this from an article (can't remember which): …the way that he handled this situation and treated you is lame, cruel, and inexcusable. That it’s made your self-esteem plummet and your fear of finding love skyrocket is sad and totally inappropriate. The only “the one” this guy is is “the one” who you should thank the stars walked out of your life. With him gone, you can go on your merry, confident, happy way to find the guy of your dreams, who will respond to any honest sharing with love, respect, and caring.