I found out I has herpes (HSV-1) two months ago, whilst I having an non-exclusive relationship with two different guys. The first guy I told reacted really well, amazing in fact. He stayed throughout the night and held me and told me that it was all going to be ok. He said if I ever needed anyone he would be there. Fast forward one month and whilst we haven't seen each other, we had remained in contact and then out of the blue he drops out of communication. Essentially, he ghosted me and when I messaged him and told him that whilst I wasn't mad at him I would like to know what's going on, he continued to ghost me. I gave him an out at disclosure and reiterated it, I told him I would accept and respect whatever he said, but still no call, no text, nothing. To be there and to act the good guy, then suddenly to disappear is a headf**k that just adds to the hurt of his rejection,
So, I'm dealing with that and the reaction from the other guy, which was just awful in all honesty. Guy number two essentially exploded at me. He threw everything that I said back in my face (he even responded "so" when, after demanding to know why I seemed to be struggling with it, I told him that I wasn't coping with it well, because it had triggered memories from a rape that occurred the beginning of this year). He went on to tell me how he once met a great girl but had turned her down because she had herpes and he wanted a child. He demanded to know all the details of my sexual history and for some reason I complied. Though, the real messed up thing about this situation is that I ended up having sex with him that night. I don't remember how we transitioned from arguing and me declaring I wanted to leave to the bedroom (we were drunk by this point and there are gaps in my memory), but we had quite a lot of sex, protected of course, until the condom broke. Then he yelled at me. Whilst, I reassured him he was so mad with me and made me feel like shit. I left when I woke up, after realising I was late for a family engagement. I wished I could have stayed and talked to him more, because I feel he actually needs to be educated about the virus, but now he doesn't want to talk to me. Mostly, I'm fine with that, my opinion of him changed that night, it was like he morphed into someone else, but that's not to say I don't care about him.
So all in all, I'm pretty screwed up at the moment and I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this level rejection, on top of the emotional and psychological pain of the rape. I feel like I'm falling apart. How do I process all of this? How can I find a way to be happy again and not cry myself to sleep? Time is not going to heal this, but I don't know what will. I used to love mediation, but now I can't sit in a silent room, there's just too much pain within me at the moment. Please, help me help myself. How do I start the healing process?