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ellemmell (previously effe

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ellemmell (previously effe last won the day on September 6 2022

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  1. @Flowerteacher55 thanks. I thought the OBs were supposed to get better over time but recently I feel like they’ve gotten worse for me and I read for some others it happened as well. I feel scared and hopeless
  2. Thank you. I was feeling ok but now I’m really struggling again. I’m scared about more OBs and wonder if it’s ever going to get better
  3. @Clarity I’m worried about it happening to me too. I’ve had it for 14 years and now at 31 I feel like it’s becoming worse. I eat mostly organic, I don’t eat at restaurants, I quit coffee, drink lots of water, drink only specially filtered water, now taking Lysine, I don’t want to go back on antivirals because I feel like they are not good for me and can make it so they won’t work when I need them. im worried it’s going to get worse for me. I just had two OBs in a row and now I’m worried it’s going to just never go away or keep happening over and over. I’m in pain and so uncomfortable, shame and guilt and I’ve tried to be healthy, limit stress, I moved outside of the city, etc. Still got the worst OBs ever. Maybe I am doomed forever and nothing I can do now.
  4. Thanks @Flowerteacher55 , I appreciate that and also find you very inspiring! I like that and agree, grow through what we go through. And we always do. I didn’t necessarily get it because I was repulsed by it, but I also didn’t really understand the harm judgement can cause in regards to this until I got it. Even though I didn’t want this, my experience gave me new perspective and a lot more compassion and maturity in regards to these topics now. I mean to say that some people might judge, but one day they’ll be judged for something they can’t control too. So now I try to think differently before I judge someone for something they can’t control and how it might make them feel. And yes you are right, pain can make us more empathetic because we understand more in depth someone’s pain. I have tried so hard to grow and overcome the feelings of shame, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts. After 14 years I am finally making some progress. To anyone reading this — don’t give up. The universe is waiting for you to accept and love yourself. I actually have an outbreak right now. But you know what I’m going to love myself regardless. I’ve never said that before in my life and never thought I would. But I have to fight for what I deserve. I can’t let this skin rash destroy my self worth and my life anymore. Blessings 🖤
  5. I’ve now had GHSV2 for 14 years. Diagnosed at age 17, I was in massive denial, thought my life was over, and had a horrific outbreak that was incredibly painful, I was very ill with a fever. I was in denial for a very long time about my condition. I’ve been suicidal over it, thought my life would be over if people found out, hated myself and the person who gave it to me. Thought I was unworthy, disgusting, would be alone forever. I’m just recovering from two outbreaks in a row, last week I had one and recovered and now it’s happening again. These are the worst outbreaks I’ve had since I was diagnosed. The fear set in. The pain and itchiness uncomfortable, me wondering where I had gone wrong for this to happen to me now. But despite all that, I’m the most open and accepting about it I ever have been before, even the last outbreaks before this I didn’t feel as free as I do now. I am close with my mom and spoke to her about it, she knows I have it. I spoke to my girlfriend and told her about the outbreaks, this last time I even joked about it with her. I used to be so embarrassed about herpes I would delete my history and would panic if anyone saw I was on the forum my life would be over. But today I feel more free. I’m not even going to bother deleting my search history. If you want to make fun of me for having herpes then go ahead, but one day there will be something you feel embarrassed about too that you would wish people wouldn’t laugh at you for. Then you can think back to the moment you laughed at someone else and think about it. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and it took 14 years just for me to get to this point. I really didn’t think it could be possible. But, it is. I have come a long, long way. I wasn’t even able to say the word “herpes” before. But today I have been saying it. I just want to go out and say: yes that’s right, I have herpes. And I don’t even care. I still love myself and my family, friends, and girlfriend love me too. Go ahead and make fun of me. I will even laugh at myself. I don’t care. Also, I’ve had many partners who dated me and didn’t care about it. So no I don’t have any concern about finding new partners in the future. Granted, I probably won’t always feel this confident every second of the day. But the fact that it even happened at all is for me a huge accomplishment I never thought I could have reached. So to anyone struggling with shame, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts — it may seem impossible now, but you can find love for yourself. You can find someone who loves you. You don’t have to be alone. You are not alone. You are so much more than this. You are beautiful, wanted, valuable, lovable, and amazing. I want you to love yourself one day. If this helped anyone I will feel so good in knowing my suffering wasn’t for nothing. And yours won’t be either. Because we will grow, mature, become more compassionate, and help each other through our pain. I won’t waste my pain. And neither should you.
  6. Love that quote. Inspired by you! 💕
  7. I have to tell you something. All of these people say this now, and think nothing about it, but wait until the day they get it. Then they will look back and think wow.. karma really striked here. That’s how I felt. See, even myself when I was a young child and heard about it in class, I was repulsed and thought — wow I would not want to live if I got this, it is the worst thing ever. I judged people who had it because the classmates laughed about it. When I got it 14 years ago at the age of 17, I thought my life was over. I’ve been suicidal over it many times. Even not too long ago an outbreak led me to log on this forum and post about suicidal thoughts because of it. Im just recovering from two outbreaks in a row, some of the worst ones I’ve had since I got diagnosed. But I feel more open and accepting about it than I ever have. People can judge if they want, be misinformed if they want, and they will be. But one day they will be humbled by something. If it isn’t this, it’ll be something else. Everyone has to learn compassion someday. And a lot of times, it actually takes getting it to start to accept it in the first place. Sad but true. If I hadn’t gotten it, maybe I would be just as cruel, I can’t say. It all stems from fear. I still wish I didn’t have this but I am a better person now.
  8. I’ve had it for 13 years and joined the forum 7 years ago. Signed in again out of desperation. Still causes suicidal thoughts. I was suicidal before the diagnosis. But now due to a current outbreak it’s coming up again. It’s 4:45am and I would rather die than have herpes. I regret telling a friend about it recently because she might tell someone else and ruin my reputation. I was trying to get over the stigma but it doesn’t work. I will get judged and shamed for it, increasing suicidal ideation. Apparently the diagnosis frequently causes depression and suicidal thoughts. I was already suicidal before the diagnosis. Now it’s just ridiculous. Now before you suggest I get help for being suicidal — I’ve already been hospitalized 4 times on suicide watch since 2007 and they drugged me up, made me worse, and caused more trauma and PTSD. I am now disabled from medical psychiatric malpractice and long term incurable damage from psychiatric drugs. I can’t seek help anymore because it only made me worse. My elderly mother has to watch me so I don’t kill myself because psychiatric treatment available for free is inhumane, unsafe, and insane. The fact that I’m having another outbreak is just another reason to end it among many other things. The nail in the coffin. The last straw. I feel disgusting, shameful and worthless with an outbreak and the diagnosis and it never gets better. I’m cursed for life with this now in addition to the hell I’ve had to endure for my entire life unrelated to this. I really hope you guys find life worth it but I have to say I will never understand.
  9. Hi KatieAnne, well it sounds like you are well on your way to accepting yourself. I hear you on the whole fact that society rejects people with herpes and it is making you lose confidence in the same way. But at the same time, society rejects almost anything, acne, non-whites, poor people, short people, non-educated people, disabled people, people with hepatitis and HIV, drug addicts, alcoholics, parents with too many children, eastern Europeans, people who wear burkas, etc etc etc. Not that your feelings are not valid of course, because I feel the same way and it really hurts. But what I mean to say is that no matter who we are "society" will find a way to make us not accepted. For example, even before I had herpes, I was not confident in myself. I am mixed-race, short, and am skinny with a small pot-belly. I wore glasses and braces at the same time and wasn't cool. Then I became a drug-addicted alcoholic sleeping rough. Contracting this herpes thing didn't really help. I never told anyone for the first 6 years and kept it all to myself pretending it didn't exist and killing the pain with drugs and alcohol. Needless to say I am far from being recovered from all this. BUT... but. I could have gotten Hepatitis or HIV. Things that actually really impact my health. I'm lucky to be alive, let alone only having this in terms of a health problem that affects my sexual and relationship life. I'm not saying that you are the same at all, I'm just sharing my story in case you get something out of it by chance. I'm just saying that according to "societal standards" nothing is good enough anyway, so those are not a healthy way of judging yourself. I understand your fear of rejection. I fear rejection all the time. If I was in your position, of course I'd be really scared too. But... remember that if he really loves you he can look past this. I know people who have HIV who are in happy relationships. If he wants you, he should be willing to look past this. If not, remember that you have it in you to be able to make it with or without him, even though it might suck at first. You said it all yourself: "Having herpes does not define me in any way. I am still a brilliant, smart, compassionate, good person." You have all the knowledge within you to beat this judgmental and self-depricating voice of lies! I can tell that you have it all within you because of the way you've been talking about yourself at the beginning of this post. But I know exactly how you feel. If you want you can message me, or maybe we could even Skype! I'm up to talk and to support you, because that's what this community is for :)
  10. Cool that's awesome, thanks for letting me know. Do you think I could get that on my iPod or something?
  11. Is your type one herpes oral or genital? Where/when the best to tell him is up to you. If he freaks out, keep your cool and provide him with the relevant information. Know that you cannot control his reaction. Tell him the truth, but also tell him there is no reason to freak out excessively and that everything will probably be fine if you both take the right precautions. If he still freaks out, see if he calms down later on. Let him know that you are here to support him and any concerns he may have.
  12. I want to cry too. I got HSV2 when I was 17, two years younger than you. I got it from a boyfriend. I've had it now for 6 years, and only came out of denial for a few months now. I feel like crying, my mom knows but she doesn't know how to help me. She just tells me "not to think about it". It's not that easy. I think about it all the time. I wanted to die even before this happened. I want to have sex and have a relationship with someone. But I also should remember that there are so many more important things in my life. Sex isn't all I'm worth, and what about the relationship with myself? Clearly I need to start to feel better about myself before I get into a relationship, otherwise they will only see my own insecurities and I will constantly seek validation from them. I need to be my own person, standing on my own two feet. But even while typing this, I know it doesn't always work that way. Just know that life is ups and downs, the downs can't last forever, and neither can the ups. And even though at your age maybe it's "hookup time", maybe you can spend some time getting to know yourself and progressing in your own way. Besides, in the meantime, everyone else might even be getting herpes too while they are "hooking up" this summer. Surely you are not the only one. Sometimes I cry, and want to die. It's so true. But I need to remember that I am a strong person who deserves a happy life in this planet, and so you do. I'm not always the happiest person either, but let me know if you want to chat. You can get through this! <3 Love ellemmell
  13. Yes, I understand. I think this way all the time. And then I realize that I can't really. Why me? So many things have happened to me in the past that weren't fair, because life isn't fair. I've been through a lot of unfortunate circumstances and this is another one. I need to believe that I can get through the heartache and emotional wounds this creates. Yes, I did contract this virus. But that also doesn't mean it's completely my "fault", and I should feel like a bad person for it. I try to go on every day, even when I don't want to. I tried to kill myself and it didn't work. I've been through a lot, and I am going to tell myself that I deserve to live. Even if nobody wants to be romantically involved with me, I have the power within myself to override that with the happiness life brings. Life has so much to offer, I am an artist and the power of creation and learning is so strong, that a skin condition will not stop me from achieving wonderful things. I have time now to concentrate on things that mean more than sex. I will not let this skin condition stop me because I deserve a happy life and so does everyone else whether you have herpes, HIV, or HPV will never change that.
  14. Hey guys, I'm making another post again just to note that I am totally up for Skyping! My name is E and I live in Toronto. I havn't really seen anyone on here that also lives there, so I'm thinking that Skype is the next option. Please let me know if anyone wants to talk, I firmly believe in group support! I send my love to all <3
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