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LonelyHerp

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Everything posted by LonelyHerp

  1. I guess I don't even really know where to begin, or what to say. I am really in a weird state right now. I just got the official call from my OBGYN last night. I am a junior in college, and I go to college two states away from home. I was having some issues while I was away and so I went in to see an OBGYN at school and I found out I had chlamydia. This was traumatizing to me all in its own. When I came home for Thanksgiving break I had to go in for my yearly- I am very close with my OBGYN, and I was very distraught over the chlamydia and obviously went over all of this with her. So we decided not just for peace of mind, but also because I have a rather promiscuous past, we ought to do a full STD screening. From the moment I left her office (which was on a Wednesday, and I was supposed to get a call back by Friday...) I was an anxious mess, as she had really laid down the cold hard facts about how common STDs are and how many are asymptomatic. I didn't hear anything Friday, or Monday, or Tuesday... so finally I reached out to her yesterday, and at this point I am just a mess, because I don't have anyone I can talk to about it. She called me back last night and gave me the news- that I was positive for HSV2. Initially I just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I kind of knew this was what was going to come of it... this last week I have been thinking of all the men I have slept with, and really feeling so terrible about all the choices I have made- as a lot of them (when it comes to sex) have been so, so poor. I feel like a whore, and I feel like this makes my sexual past define me, and takes away from all the good that I have done... As I have already said, I have done a lot of research- and my Dr. said as well, I know this is very common. I know this doesn't change me as a person- but this mental battle (which I do realize it is very fresh) is so hard for me right now. One minute I feel like everything is okay- I am looking at the big picture and I'm thinking how lucky I am that I am asymptomatic- so no painful OB's- how lucky I am that this is not life threatening. I think that I am still the same girl, the same sister, the same daughter, the same straight A student, the same great friend... But then I will have these random break downs. Like the first time I talked to my Father after the diagnosis I felt so bad, like I had failed him? I don't ever plan on telling him- but he is my best friend and I am such a "daddy's girl"- and I feel so tainted now? Like he would be ashamed of me if he knew his little girl had herpes. I don't know... I just am very emotional, and it is very tough for me because the people I typically talk to about hard things in life are my mom and my dad, or I am very independent. But this is just such a big pill to swallow that I don't feel like I can handle this one on my own. I did talk to my sister about it, and she just felt so bad because of how bad I felt, which made me feel even worse for putting this burden on her. I worry about if I will ever get married. I worried about this before I had herpes, and now I feel like no one would be able to look past this. I don't even know how I would be able to bring it up? I feel like people are so severely uneducated on the topic, I got a glimpse of that talking to my sister (who was very open minded.) Love seems so far fetched and the disclosure conversations seem so scary, rejection hurt pre herpes and I feel like it will sting even worse now. I just am looking for any advice anyone has, any words of wisdom or anything that made them feel better after being initially diagnosed. I am alone, two states away from home, newly diagnosed, and so very sad. I just am looking for someone to talk to. I know not everyone believes in this- but I do think everything happens for a reason, and I know I needed a lifestyle change. I Just feel so alone right now and I want to know that everything will be okay. I want to know I am still a good person... Anything is appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read my story.
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