stillstruggling

Thanks everyone for your feedback. Here's an update. I called him and he did return my call. I did not answer on the first return call but I did answer on the third time he called me back. During this conversation, I did not mention about how I was feeling he was pulling away from me since I told him. We had a normal conversation as usual. After not hearing from him again for a few days, I decided to call him and express how I was feeling. He denied that it was because of what I told him and said he has heard of people with far worse situations. However, after this conversation I still haven't heard from him. It's been over a week and this is the longest time I haven't talk to him since I met him six weeks ago. I'm accepting that it's over. Although it was only for a short time, it was nice having someone to talk to on the regular. I called myself clearing the air before I actually spent time alone with him, only to never spend time with him. I am really disappointed. I know for me personally, I made the right decision in telling him because this is an issue for me and I want to overcome it. For some strange reason, I feel he will call me later down the line but I probably won't be interested by then, because maybe I'll have met someone knew and it will go better next time.

I know this comment is coming a little late. Hope your situation turned out okay. Forgive yourself, it not easy being in this position. I know for a fact that most of the people who do the most condemning wouldn't even think about sharing this information with someone. If you haven't told him yet, I wouldn't if he's still scheduled to move. If you really want to share this with him I would wait for a good while (maybe a few months). Hopefully, by then he'll feel safe and doesn't have symptoms or anything. I think if you tell him too soon he may feel scared that he may have contracted it. This is very unlikely due to the fact your a woman and used protection. I've read the transmission rate if your not in an outbreak is very low for both men and women (even lower for women). Relax. I think when enough time has passed he probably won't take it so hard. That's even if you decide to share this information. Maybe you'll change your mind, either way, it's your decision. Who's to say he doesn't already have this. You never know. Hope this helps ease some of your anxiety.

Hi, camilo. I believe this virus is still in my system. In 2009, I had culture and blood test that were positive. In 2015, I had a positive blood test. In 2016, I believed I had an outbreak. I had a very tiny opening on my skin and a culture was taken. This test hurt a bit because the nurse had to scrape to get a good culture. I was certain it would come back positive but it didn't. As far as testing goes, I would only feel certain if I were able to produce a negative blood test. I know that weird because I've heard that cultural test are more accurate. Who really knows for sure?

Hey, Sil88. Oh, it definitely less talked about with us. I guess because we're plagued with so many labels, who would want to announce something like this that is so stigmatized. The stigma says you don't deserve to be loved or desired. So, who would volunteerly put themselves in that category. I wish I could have just recovered like most people and went on with my life. My outbreaks are really not noticeable so it would be very easy for me to hide this. It been happening to me since 2011. I believe I brought it on my self. This first occurrence happen 6 months after my break up with the one who gave it to me. We broke up in 2010. (A year and a half after I was diagnosed). It was after this time period my anxiety greatly increased feeling like I had no options. Then the outbreaks started. Basically, they are occurring every other year on average. I truly believe if I let this shame and fear go, I won't get outbreaks. This is a vicious cycle because when I stress over herpes it can cause outbreaks but if I didn't think about this so intensely, I probably wouldn't get outbreaks. This questions me to think: Is this why people who don't deal with herpes as an issue are able to go on because they view this as a non-important factor and don't deal with the unnecessary labels that come from the stigma.

Hi. I so understand your feelings. I'm in this situation right now myself. We just have no way of knowing for certain. Here's an example: A few months ago I was in a job training program and was fond of one of my instructors. I didn't entertain the idea of "us," because of my situation of course. However, as time was moving along, I began to feel he was attracted to me. He was and asked for my number at the end of the course. We had a few conversations and he picked me up one night. I was all excited because I thought he was someone I could share this with. It didn't get to that point because he fell off just like that. For a moment, he really had me questioning what I did wrong. He had been around me many times and knew my personality. I just didn't get it. He told me I did nothing wrong and he was still interested in me. After this, I didn't here from him for a while. Other people who I talked to in my class asked if we ever got together because they saw he liked me. I basically just told them we didn't talk as I wanted to remain private. The point of me sharing this with you is that if this had happened after I told him, there's no way anyone could have convinced me it wasn't because of herpes. He did call me two months ago just to see how I was doing. Here's also more food for thought: Ever notice how we also assume by default the other person doesn't have herpes? Could it possibly be that we're causing others to think about things they don't want to confront? Could it even be possible that they may have an std they didn't wish to disclosure to us and we're making them uncomfortable. Just a thought. Hopefully, things work out for you in some way or another.

Hi. I've had somewhat of a similar experience and you can read my first post from December 2016. Anyway, in my opinion, I don't think he'll actually sue you. One reason is because I'm sure he is acting out of fear. I think he is probably ignorant on how it works and is in panic mode. Ironically, the people who act the worst are usually the people who do not take any precautions. If he sleeps around a lot, he feels this has threaten his freedom of doing what he wants with no consequences. The downside of him getting tested is that there's a likelihood that he may already have it based on his behavior according to you. In many cases, I think people already have it and therefore it doesn't show up because it already lies dormant in their system. Think about it. If he sues you isn't he then morally obligated to disclose to everyone he sleeps with as he wanted you to do with him. Most people do not want to carry this torch as they view it as a huge burden. That's why most people move on with their lives. The one I dealt with tried that crying wolf too, but no one paid him attention because he had a notorious reputation for sleeping with many women in the neighborhood. When he pointed the finger at me, people didn't believe him and stated that if she does, you're the one who gave it to her. Hopefully, you'll be okay.

Hello, everyone. I have made comments to other post in a previous thread. You'll see a have moments of optimism and despair. My battle with genital herpes began a few years ago. I think I have received my first rejection and I am going through the motions. The timing stinks. I have an exam less than 2 weeks. I was focused on my studies and doing fine (at least for the moment). Then I met someone. Wasn't really a big deal at first, until our phone conversations began. They sometime lasted an hour or more. Anyway, he really seemed like a level headed person and I considered telling him. As my username states I have been struggling with negative feeling about herpes for years. I was diagnosed in 2009. Last year, I tested negative and was surprised. Somehow, I still could not shake these feeling I deal with. People told me to move on and that they wouldn't be telling anyone about something like this. I wish I could shift my feelings that easy but I couldn't. I felt like I had three options in this situation: option 1- tell him not to call me anymore so I won't have to deal with herpes or just ignore him until he gets the point. This is the option I have chosen many time before and I was celibate 4 years after my diagnosis. I get offers frequently so this is a method I use. This method also keeps me single and lonely at times. option 2 - don't tell him anything and act like everything is fine. When everything is not fine because I carry a burden on my heart. The plus of this option does prevent me from having to endure the verbal abuse I experienced from the two men I been with since my diagnosis. The first man was my giver. (I still have strong anger towards him because of the way things unfolded between us. He gave it to me and another woman at the same time but his test came back negative and I despise him for it. That's another story that maybe I'll tell some other time.) The second had no problem with having sex with me but used it as a way to control when I disagreed with him. (You can read about this in my other comments. I despise him too.) option 3 - tell him so I might have a possibility of getting what I actually desire. To feel free within and not have those herpes barriers that have surrounded me for so many years. However, this option comes with the risk of rejection which until this point I have not yet faced. I told guys before who have pursued me after the fact but I didn't act on it out of fear of how they may later treat me. I chose option 3. So now, here I am and haven't heard from him in 4 days when the most we didn't talk was for two days. I'm being really dramatic. He seemed to be fine with it on the phone. Now, I'm wondering did someone tell him to leave me alone. I feel I broke the protocol. "Black girls don't have herpes," at least that how it seems where I come from. He's 39 and never had a female tell him that before and he commended me for doing so. The other men I have told also informed me that most women have not told them. Maybe just 1 or 2 at the most. I did find a black women on youtube who talks about herpes and she too has mention how there aren't many black women who discussed this topic. I feel overwhelmed with all the stigma and shame that can go along with this. Logically speaking, most people do dismiss this from the door. We on this site actually represent the very small fraction who give a damn. After, what I've been through I do not judge anyone who chooses not to deal with this and keep their diagnosis to themselves. Our society blows this whole thing out of proportion that it's ridiculous. I heard people say this fixes itself overtime because the symptom for most people fade away. I feel like all this pain could have been avoided, if I had done what most people in my community do. Left my diagnosis at the doctor's office. I know keeping silent is what feeds the stigma, but the stigma is what causing people to keep silent. I just wonder if this will ever change.

First of all, I would like to thank all parties that comment on this site. In our daily lives of being around others, watching tv, or reading a book, you would not think anyone deals with this. Thanks to your comments I know they do. I've come to the conclusion that this is a debate that will never end. People have and always will continue to have sex. It's human and as with everything there are consequences. The word consequence is usually associated with negativity. A consequence can be positivity as well. No one deserves to have herpes and no one deserves to not have herpes. As a society I think we all get caught up in who deserves to have what. In actuality, it's science. These stds go back to the beginning of time because people have been having sex since the beginning of time. I felt unlucky too when I was diagnosed. Herpes is not lucky or unlucky. It's science. The unlucky feelings come from the negative comments that society places on us. Have we ever thought about the fact that it's because people don't want to hold themselves accountable and it's always easier to place blame elsewhere? People want to paint us as monsters because they think their this so called "clean." Their definition of clean is I feel okay and no doctor has diagnosed me. Some don't even get tested and still hold to this claim of being "clean". There no such thing as clean. Also, there's so much hypocrisy surrounding this topic. Some of the people who say they are advocates also help feed the stigma. Using the word "clean" referring to people who don't have herpes, indirectly says that herpes is dirty. Stating that someone had a good character has no association with carry an std. It implies that people of bad character should have it only. Talking about branding people (non disclosures) also feeds the stigma. It promotes people to think they shouldn't be accountable for any of their actions so as long as they stay away from the so called "bad guys." Feeding stigma leads to fear. Fear is what causes people to be ashamed and not want to discuss the topic. The simple fact is most of us on here are in this position because at some point in our lives we had a sexual encounter with another human being. We're not dumb or unlucky. We're just human. If I come back on this site, I'll probably change my name to "making progress" or something similar. Happy New Year 2017!

Thank you both for your comments. Actually, I am well aware of these statistics because I have had countless nights of online research. However, in reality it feels so lonely when you have no real life examples. I have had two people who told me they had it only because I told them but they do not live their life according to herpes. One was a white female and the other a black guy. She told me she felt like that in her early twenties when she was diagnosed and that was 10 years ago and she moved on with her life. Ironically, right after my first post I received a call from someone I was talking to during the summer. I stopped answering his calls because of my fear concerning herpes. He asked to see me tonight and I agreed. I agreed because I'm tired of my life having the same boring pattern of always being home at night. I'm not really thinking of sex now, I just want a change of pace.

I actually have survived your fear. I am a 40 year old black female and I would like to share my experience with you. This experience happened last year in October 2015. I was diagnosed in 2009 while I was in a relationship. I ended that relationship in late 2010. After 4 years of celibacy since my last relationship ( which is where I contracted herpes) I became involve with someone summer 2015. We were intimate and I feared telling him about my situation. We also lived in the same neighborhood and knew many of the same people. Eventually, about 2 months later I told him and even mention that we should just end it. He said he called a clinic and they told him about it. He said it sounded like I was making a big deal over nothing. He stayed with me and didn't even want to use a condom. Herpes did not bother him physically, but he would use it as a weapon to control me. Whenever we have a dispute, he would threaten to go tell everyone we knew. For this reason and others I ended our relationship. He was really upset, so as punishment he decided to tell everyone we knew. He ran out of the house and screamed to a bunch of guys that "This bitch has herpes". There response was nothing. One even told him really all of this over that. I was really hurt and embarrassed. Yet I was grateful at the same time because people stood up for me and told him how wrong he was. Things are normal just as they were before. People still speak to me and the guys who gave me compliments before still do the same. I get offers from those same guys. Fortunately, his plan back fired and he became the outcast as people looked at him negatively. Then he went out of his way to befriend everyone. Social acceptance was very important to him and I feel this is the reason along with revenge he did this to me. Afterwards, he did regret this and called me multiple times to try and make up for it but I never answered. He left me many messages. He later got into some trouble with some guys I heard and he moved this past March. . Since then I told 3 guys. All who were willing to get involved with me. I still struggling with this because I live in fear that someone will use this to hurt me. So I am now celibate once again. I hope you read this and post again. It's not easy dealing with this and I relate to how you feel. I usually refer to myself as the only black women with genital herpes. I don't see anyone I know personally dealing with this and it makes me feel very alone. I hope that before you reach my age that this issue will be far behind you.