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baddreamoveryet

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  1. I also found out through a blood test. I've had irritations down there but never knew that was what it was. Ive never had full blown outbreak. I try to tell myself I'm lucky because of that. Or I should feel lucky that I'm not fighting cancer or that my child is healthy. I try to be positive about it but it is hard. I feel the same way about a lot of things that you do. I found out in 2012 and have not been able to date/ have sex since then. I just can't see myself disclosing and I would never sleep with someone without telling them first. I find myself feeling angry a lot which I'm trying to get over because I can't live like that anymore. I have also gone to counselors. Three of them but obviously I'm still struggling so they didn't really help. I am female late 30's. My ex did not get it from me (thank God) because I could never live with myself if I knew I had passed it to someone. I couldnt get over the depression and he couldn't take anymore so he left. He's had two more relationships since me and I just feel angry that he gets to move on and I can't. I know it's not his fault but how will I ever find true happiness if I can't love myself and be happy? I think that's cool that at least your parents know and you have someone close to talk to. I don't tell anyone because I'm so scared of it getting out. Thank you for posting. It at least helps me to feel not so alone and that there are others feeling the same exact way as myself. It's not something you can turn to just anyone to get help/ advice on.
  2. @HikingGirl thank you so much! I don't think it sounds hokey. I'll definitely look into it. Thank you for sharing. :)
  3. @Peggy. Thank you so much for replying and proving such good advice. I hope that some day I can be where you are at and be helping others. I feel like its been a really long and slow process for me. To even get to this point where I can go on a forum and talk about it was very hard to do. To answer your questions about if I found out about a sister or a friend what would I do. I actually have a couple close friends that have herpes. I also have a sister who has herpes. I do not think any less of them. I still love them as my friends and I still hang out with them but I still feel some kind of way about it. When we are out together I have thoughts about how there's three of us in this room that have herpes. Wonder if anyone would ever guess that. I wonder how they can flirt with people knowing they have this. I wonder if anyone thinks I have herpes since they know she has herpes and we hang out. Isn't that stupid? I also Lysol the bathroom after people are over and use it because I'm scared to death of my 2 yr old someone getting it. I constantly live in fear of that. I constantly lived in fear of ever getting herpes and I got it. I've even thought to myself that I worried so much I made it happen. Now I realize my track record is not that good and I've made several mistakes but ive always tried to be a good person. I was raised by good parents. I was taught to have morals and values. I think I did sleep with a lot of people (or too many in my mind) but I'm 40 and never married so I feel like it's kind of easy to rack up the numbers when your single and dating. I never really did the one night stand thing. I have friends that sleep with three times as many people as I have and they don't have anything. When people try to comfort you about this they say if you use condoms and suppressive medicine your risk of spreading it is so low but then when you read about it, it says how easily it's transmitted and that's why it's spreading so quickly. Which way do you look at it? One of my friends that has herpes has talked openly to me about it. I don't think I'm the best person to talk to because she will say "who is going to want me or I won't ever find anyone to date." I just say yes you will but deep inside I feel the same way about myself so how can I comfort her? I have never told her about me. She is a very close friend but I still don't trust her. I'm so scared someone will tell someone else. We live in a small community and word travels fast. I understand how she feels and how scary it is to tell anyone but at the same time I feel mad at her sometimes because she will sleep with people unprotected and not disclose to them. I don't think that is right at all. I see how messed up my life has been since I found out and I would never want to do this to anyone else and I don't understand how people don't care if they pass it on. It makes my head spin. I tell her in a nice way that she should disclose and she thinks I'm judging her. She says how do I know he doesn't have anything either. That is correct but I still don't think it's right to sleep with someone and not disclose. I would never do that. Which is why I see myself being single for the rest of my life because I won't be able to tell anyone. I was in a relationship when I found out I was hsv2 positive. He tried to comfort me and tell me everything would be ok and we would get through it together. I had such a hard time accepting it that I ultimately pushed him away. I sometimes wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, would I have stayed with him? I honestly can not answer that question. I don't know what I would have done. Knowing my personality and I how I freak out about everything I think I would have had a hard time sleeping with him and wondering after every time if I j's gotten it. We slept together for a year and half unprotected ( before I knew) and he never got it from me. But the person I think I may have gotten it from I used a condom with every time. That's another thing that makes me feel bad is that I don't really know where it came from. All the stories I hear are of someone getting. From a significant other that cheated on them. Well in my mind that is an uncontrolled situation. For me, I don't even know for sure who gave it to me. I feel like that makes it worse, look worse and makes me feel worse about myself. I've never confronted the person who I think it came from. They would never tell me the truth anyways and I wouldn't want to put myself out there like that 10yrs later. He is married now so I'm assuming it's not an issue for him. He was always very adamant about using condoms. I discussed diseases with him and he told me he had none but I'm assuming he knew and just didn't want to tell me. I understand that but think it's so wrong to do that to someone else. I think I've written enough for today. Thank you for listening.
  4. Thank you! I appreciate the kind words and encouragement. I'm not really into dating sites at all. Herpes or no herpes. At this point in my life I just don't think I will ever date or have sex again. I think I am ok with that. Just makes me sad some times. :(
  5. Not sure where to start. I'm really scared of anyone finding this out about me so I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. Let me start with some of my history.....I got crabs when I was in high school. chlamydia when I was in my 20's. I think I actually had it twice. (I've never shared this with anyone before. - too embarrassing). After that I was always scared to death to get another std. I asked partners if they had anything. They said no. I was in monogamous relationships. I used condoms. Thought I was being careful. But how careful can you be when you're always drunk? I knew other people that had herpes and I would warn my friends about them. Not talk bad about people but just say hey be careful, don't get mixed up with that person, they have herpes. I am a bit of a germaphobe. Always have been but it seems to get worse the older I get. I also obsess and worry so I always worried about this type of thing. So anyways, I met a guy in 2011 and was dating him for a year. Super in love thought we were going to get married. First guy I felt this way about. I would occasionally have an irritation down there but it was more towards the anus area and it was like a swollen little line. Never a blister or sore. It did hurt when I had a bowel movement so I thought it was a hemorrhoid (first time I felt this was in 2007). I had actually gone to 5 or 6 different doctors and no one could figure it out. I remember one of them saying "if you had herpes you would know it." Finally in 2012 I had blood work done. October 22, 2012 is when I found out I had hsv2. I remember feeling like I was going to pass out. I was crying to the nurse practitioner and saying I've tried to be so careful. She asked me if I had every guy I slept with show me his std tests to make sure they were negative. I said no and she said well obviously you weren't very careful then. I remember feeling like I wanted to die. I Have felt that way many times since. The guy I was dating said he was ok with it and still loved me and wanted to be with me. We tried for another 1 yr and I even ended up having a baby with him in 2014 but I couldn't shake the depression and he couldn't deal with it so he left. I live my life day to day trying not to think about it but I'm always scared. I'm scared somehow I'll pass it on to my child, Scared he will tell people (he threatens this when he gets mad at me), scared of knowing I will be alone from here on out (because I have chosen to remove myself from the dating scene), scared to ever tell anyone or talk to anyone. Scared of everything. It's eating me up inside. It keeps me from enjoying life. I feel bitter and angry. That someone wasn't honest with me, that I made bad choices, that I was always so scared of getting this from someone but now I'm that someone, that I don't really even know who I got it from (I have an idea because of who I was seeing in 2007 but it's not confirmed), that I didn't make it work with my child's dad because he was my last chance at a relationship. Scared about so many things. I made a lot of bad choices. Not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself. I've gone to counseling, I've read things online, I've prayed, I've read self help books and quotes and all kinds of stuff. I'm so down on myself and I have very little self esteem left. My counselor would tell me this doesn't define who you are but I think that it does. I feel awful about the mistakes I've made and I wish so badly I could take them back. I doubt my ability to be a good mom. I don't know if I will ever feel confident again or love myself. I just feel hopeless. I know this is a lot that I wrote. I could keep going. I have so much to say about it all and no one to talk to. Help is definitely needed in my world so if anyone can provide it, please do!!!
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