Triumph

I know some time has elapsed on this thread but I would love to know what happened.

My boyfriend is on Valtrex, and lately we have been omitting condoms from our sex life. There will always be some risk, and it's up to you to decide if you want to take that risk. Worst case if you did contract HSV-2, how bad would it be? That's what I asked myself before not using a condom, and I decided that it was unlikely but if it did happen it wouldn't be the end of the world. With antivirals it's about a 2% chance of spreading. The virus sheds about 1% of the year (compared to a cold sore, HSV-1 virus which can shed up to 33% of the year), so even without antivirals the chances isn't super high. aggie_pride2018 , Thank you so much for your response. I am glad you reopened this forum. For me the issue I described at the top of the page is ongoing. I'm doing my best to be loving to my partner as well as learning about my feelings towards the "discordant" relationship I find myself in. I am glad you seem to have reconciled your situation well. I am still working at it. Thanks again.

You are very welcome @Triumph. I can only imagine how conflicted you must feel; you love your partner but don't want to "catch" it. As the "carrier" it is stressful on my end because I am responsible for my partners health (physically, mentally and sexually) and while he has not (as far as we know) contracted it, it can potentially happen at any time. He does not care - he jokes that I am stuck with him now (lol) so I can't go anywhere. He knows the inner struggles I have with self-esteem because of this and I am the one who often feels like no one will ever love me. Vicious circle for all of us isn't it? Good luck to you and if I can tell you one thing, is it is "not that bad" to "have it". At its worst it is inconvenient, but if you both live a healthy lifestyle (diet, exercise, moderate drinking) outbreaks are few and far between. Its the social stigma that is the killer. Good luck and thank you for sharing. This is my first time in the 15 years since contracting actually starting to reach out for help and comrade so it was interesting to "read about it from the other side". Pattym, The I just read your comment again, I know it's been a while, but I think it is probably the most well balanced post on this topic I have read. You summed it up well. I don't have HSV2, my lover does. It stresses her out a little because as you say, "I am responsible for my partners health..." and she's not keen to give it to me. She will feel bad. That is a strong dynamic in our relationship. And yes, I do not want to contract it, it's not my first choice, especially until there is a rock solid long term "til death do us part" commitment. Am I afraid of the physical "rash" part of it? No. If that's the worst health thing that happens to me I'll be okay, but I admit it, it's the stigma I worry about, the need to have "the talk" with potential future partners if this relationship doesn't work, the potential to lose someone in the future I may like because they don't want to get it from me. I feel guilty speaking like this on this forum but .... I guess I said it. Being in a discordant relationship can be difficult for BOTH partners. By far most posters on here have HSV2, and for me, I'm finding it hard to find viewpoints from those that are not HSV2 positive. Thank you for listening. Everyone here is wonderful.

Pattym, I can't thank you enough for sharing your insights. I needed to hear that. 12 years together without condoms is good to hear. For some reason that is very calming, very reassuring. Thank you. Every little bit of insight helps. I think what's going on is that three parts of me - my heart, my logical medical brain, and my "you know what" (the other male brain) are at odds at various times as I try to figure this out. Those three parts are working on it, and it changes daily as does our relationship. Thanks again.

WCSDancer2010, Thanks for the great advice. I agree, a varied sex life is one important element towards building a great foundation, and that is one fun foundation to build! As for having kids we're both past that (been there, done that, luckiest dad ever). I've been "fixed" and her ovaries are permanently on sabbatical. We try to laugh about it...when we were younger and dating we used condoms so she wouldn't get pregnant. Now that we're reunited and ahem, at a more mature age, we use condoms again "for me not to get pregnant". Can't win!

Katidid, Thank you again for another helpful reply. 21 years and H negative is encouraging to hear. Hopefully one day soon I'll settle into some kind of harmony with the situation like your husband. I like his attitude. BTW since you mentioned you've taken both Valtrex and acyclovir I just came across this for what it's worth... http://www.infectiousdiseaseadvisor.com/sexually-transmitted-diseases/pritelivir-valacyclovir-suppressing-hsv-2-shedding/article/627463/

Katidid, Thank you very much for your insights on Valtrex vs acyclovir. It sounds like you've found the right med that's working for you. I may bring this up with my partner and see how she feels. I first and foremost know that it's her body and her choice, and every little bit of education and new insights is helpful. Thanks again!

WCSDancer2010, Thank you so much for you kind response. I apologize for the late reply. I've been trying to think of what to say (very unlike me!). I think I'm just trying to get my hands around the entire situation. The fact that you've had several partners that didn't use condoms and didn't acquire HSV2 is very calming - I really appreciate you sharing that. We had a condom slippage situation recently - I wondered why it felt so good! I'm a bit embarrassed and almost ashamed to admit that afterwards my anxiety level rose much more than I expected. I'm hoping some of this angst is just me being new to the "discordant" situation. I'm generally a super calm person. I love her, I treasure making love to her, but it was a sudden reminder to me that we are dating and perhaps deep down inside I must not be okay with acquiring it yet if it does happen - does that make sense without sounding like a terrible person? I hope I don't sound offensive. Gosh, I dunno, I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster as I become more educated, read more about other's experiences, and I build a relationship with this wonderful woman. Sometimes it worries me, sometimes it doesn't. I wish I could read more about viewpoints and experiences from the uninfected partners in relationships. Again most of all, thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Wow, optimist and Hiking Girl, thank you so much again for your help. You both are tremendously insightful. optimist, I find what you said fascinating..."One benefit of knowing is that you can take steps to prevent transmission. In that sense, you could actually be safer with a partner who is aware of her status..." That's an angle I had not considered. You also sent me looking for more statistics about prevalence in middle aged women and I found this... "50-75% of unmarried American women between 45 and 50 have genital herpes." Wow, that is a lot. That caught me by surprise. Thank you again for your patience, kindness, and information.

"optimist" and "Hiking Girl"...thank you very much for your kind responses! They were very helpful. I hope others will contribute as well. Those of us that are in "discordant" relationships need support too. At times it's tricky to balance trepidations with love and attraction - I'm new to this situation and I'm trying to understand fully. I hope that makes sense.

I'm glad I found this community. I'm hoping some nice, patient people here will help this middle-aged man with his dilemma. I'm stressing trying to find insights. I'm 57, I've been divorced for 2 years. I'm a hard-working, happy professional and I'm super healthy. Six months ago I re-united with my college sweetheart - it's been WONDERFUL! Before we were intimate she told me she was HSV2 positive. Her first outbreak was 20 years ago. She says her outbreaks now are "rare", almost non-existent. I immediately had a blood test done and I was herpes free. Since then we've had a fantastic, loving sex-life. I always use a condom. She initially went on Valtrex but felt her hair was falling out and stopped. The thought of never making love to her without a condom is...very difficult. It fills my mind with a lot of questions - some clinical and some emotional. I'm begging for insights. It's amazing how difficult it is to get good insights for the "herpes free" partner in a committed relationship. So here goes... Any insights to some of my questions are GREATLY appreciated! (All of these questions presume she is not knowingly having an outbreak.) Are there committed couples who don't use condoms and one partner remains H free? If we have intercourse without a condom (or anti-viral) what are my odds of contracting H? If I am exposed to the herpes virus how soon would a blood test detect it? If you were me how often would you test yourself and WHICH TEST would you use? Thank you for any insights!