jessiw

Here is an affirmation that Louise Hay wrote for people who deal with the Herpes Stigma "My concept of God supports me. I am normal and natural. I rejoice in my own sexuality and in my own body. I am wonderful!" :)

I really enjoyed reading your response! I truly think that people learn in different ways and some of us cannot really understand herpes until we get it. I agree with your selective attention in this situation I call it selective memory! What I think is most important is that disclosure is ongoing if you are with a partner who doesn't have h, because you have to disclose if you have an outbreak, you have to be comfortable enough to deal with those times. I think you will be fully prepared when you are ready to disclose!

I did give her a flyer. I even watched her read through it lol. We even came on to this site!

I have come to a point in my life where disclosing is no longer a problem for me. I can disclose easily and comfortably, sure there is still fear but I know I can disclose regardless of the fear. Lately I have been coming across some new things with disclosure that I think others can relate too. 1. I disclosed and was accepted Yay! This is a really awesome feeling but the real feelings creep up later. The vulnerability and raw feeling of fear that comes afterward. The aftermath..the questions that need to be answered. My partner can make it really easy on me and not ask any questions or they can bombard me with questions and I feel like I am on trial. I'm not sure which direction leads me with the most anxiety because yes no questions is easy and I don't have to feel exposed but are they in denial? Do they really understand? What should I do? WEll most recently I tried to re-educate and I talked about outbreaks and statistics. I did my job. Still no questions. 2. Have entered a relationship with someone and still no questions or concerns. By now it's baffling that the topic has not come up at all and I know it's my job to bring it up again before we get intimate. I could take the easy route but I find myself having the talk again. Still no questions. Am I doing the talk wrong? Is this like a major denial? So I ask my partner "Are you afraid of getting it? Will you be mad if you get it?" She says yes but does not want to discuss it any further. So I am stuck do I proceed? Do I end it. People are going to worry for themselves and that's pretty normal. 3. Already been intimate discussed the topic several times and I bring it up again when I have an outbreak. My partner says and I quote "What is an outbreak!!!!". So no I must not have done my job or she wasn't listening. So I retell her and explain it again realizing that words like outbreak are lingo and need to be explained. When I tell her about the cold sores for what seems like the hundreth time she says "You can get those there!!". Now I am ready to scream. 4. Have an outbreak so inform my partner but my partner thinks I just don't want to have sex with them. I feel like I am protecting them but they feel rejected. So I guess my point with this story is that no matter how good you think you are at educating others about H, there are always going be new things to discover. You are never done disclosing, and that may be awkward or uncomfortable but it's the reality. This situation was really helpful for me because I wonder how many of my partners in the past did not truly understand what I meant when I disclosed and how I can get better at the Talk for the future.

When I got herpes I was obsessed too. I had to look at my ob like every second. It was a nightmare. One thing has been helping me a lot when I get into an obsessive fear is to look more deeply at the fear. I tell myself "I am fascinated by my fear" and it's really weird because then I feel calmer. You can take deep breaths and focus on how you can nurture yourself in this time. It will get easier with time. I hope this helps but really just keep reaching out with your questions and thoughts. Meet others with H, your world will change and your healing will come. Nice job at the stage of acceptance your at!!

I am enough. I am worth it. I am perfect at being me. I love myself.

I guarantee it's worth it! You will meet the most beautiful people, learn so much and love so much!!! :) Have a great H Opp Weekend :)

Because it's not his responsibility to take care of you. It's yours. The psychological effects of Herpes is complex. What we care about is you, and you getting what you need. We don't care about Dustin, he is not worth our time nor should he be worth yours. I don't know this guy but I know my giver, and it hurt that he denied it and lied to me but I know how unhappy of a person he was and most likely still is. I trust if he deserves karma he will get it. You exact your revenge and let us know if you feel better, if it brings him back...but it sounds like you are calling out for help from yourself and we want to protect you from the pain that will most likely come of taking the vengeance anger route.

I'm not sure what the legal ramifications are but I do know that the pain you inflict on another will only hurt you. Yes you may hurt him, you may get your revenge but you will feel no better about having H, being left and unsupported. You have a whole community here to love you. You are worth so much more than this anger, and unhappiness. Your name its going to be ok shows progress. It hurts now. I am not going to lie my giver still to this day 8 years of having H has not admitted that he gave me H. Maybe he didn't know, maybe he was a coward. He left me as well, denied me and at times I am bitter about how I feel towards men. BUT one thing I will not deny is Herpes changed my life, and it can change yours too, in a good way. You have a lot of healing to do and I'm not going to tell you to let it go or blow over your feelings. Your feelings are valid, you have a right to be angry with this guy. You imply that a guy will reject for this in the future. That is possible but, many men will see past this. They will not see past the anger, the bitterness and the negative feelings you hold about H. I hope you can learn to see H for what it really is but if you do choose to take this path I hope you get what you need from it. Best of luck to you.

Thank you for posting this! It is beautifully inspiring.

I've noticed that herpes has actually helped me screen men out better. You will definitely be accepted with it. I've felt unattractive and undesirable with the herpes which made me want to seek validation from men more. You're going to find men who are totally ok with sleeping with you and those who actually take you seriously. Herpes helped me set standards for myself and to essentially love myself more. I've had the talk numerous times and I've been blown away by how understanding men are. I was rejected three times eventually two of these men came back into my life after taking some time so in my book I've only been rejected once. The first guy I told was shortly after being diagnosed and I couldn't even get through the talk without crying. He started crying and in a,way I think he loved me more for it. We were in a relationship for three years and when I would get down and ask him why he was with me he would tell me herpes did not define me. Eventually the relationship ended and I thought I would never be accepted again. I was wrong. With time comes strength and perspective. I hope this helps.

So I finally went to the doctor and was told I do not have genital warts. I have been exposed to HPV but it's not at all like I thought. I'm feeling much better. For the Herpes I am on the suppressive therapy and it's working wonders, so I am glad that as of right now things are going better.

you sure have a way with words! This was nice to read after the way I was feeling it helped me gain some perspective. Thank you Carlos :)

I keep thinking about telling my sister and it fills me with dread because when I first brought up my suspicions of having HPV she reacted with fear and pity. It's like I feel like other people can't handle it. If the people who love me the most and are closest to me react like that the doubt starts to creep in. I want to be able to talk about it with these people without having to protect myself from their reactions.

Reading these posts was really hard. HPV is confusing and hard to talk about because there are different kinds. The most frustrating part is I think I've had it for several years and never realized it wasn't related to the Herpes until I really started to educate myself on it. He symptoms I have are warts and that's really hard for me to accept. I feel betrayed by doctors who may have noticed and said nothing and by myself. I want to love myself and I felt closer than ever after the H Opp but it's not a skill I understand very well. I'm totally accepting of herpes and all the things you are saying Leilani are how I've felt. My last disclosure talk was so strong and confident. I even had a bf who said he was accepting of it but he didn't understand and wanted me to give him a,guarantee we would stay together if he put himself at risk. That was too much pressure for me.

Thank you Adrial. What's sad is I know the statistics. I also feel like this is the next step for this year of acceptance for me, but I can't help feeling frustrated. I am constantly telling people they are going to be accepted but I don't what it's gonna take for me to believe it completely for myself. Thanks for pointing me in the direction of another person who can relate!

When I got herpes seven years ago I struggled with my diagnosis. My support system was made up of my friends and sibling who have not tested positive for it. So many times when I would talk about disclosing I would be told things like "He'll probably stop talking to you or you gotta wonder what he has that would make him accept it" these comments were very painful to endure because I was dealing with similar feelings. I recently noticed that I have symptoms of having HPV. I have been so afraid of telling others because I have finally accepted the herpes in ways I thought I never could. I feel like the roller coaster has started all over again. I ended my new relationship and told my friend that I need to deal with this. Her advice was not to get tested for HPV but I can't keep pretending it does not exist. (she too has the gift of H) and told me that anyone with half a brain would not accept both. Of course I am not ready to date until I can find out more. I have found a couple people who share the experience to talk with. These comments of my friends and family members who care about me keep coming back to me. Don't they reflect the mainstream society and the stigma? Or are my worst fears just being mirrored back to me? If you can relate to this please share you're thoughts.

I have reflected on the weekend in spurts. Spurts of memories, insight and new knowledge creep up on me in my day to day tasks. This weekend is difficult to talk about; it’s like facing a part of me I didn't know. A layer of my old self was shed. I learned a great deal about myself. I learned that all the things I thought and hoped I was are true, parts of myself I hide others from seeing because I’m afraid that I’m not enough. This weekend, I was seen for myself, the true me that is loved by others. I made over twenty new friends. My soul and heart opened, to these beings, so dear to me now. I began the journey in a cloud of doubt. Overwhelmed by the magnitude of what this adventure held for me. How could I put myself in such as scary situation? I watched as others bared their souls crying, while others struggled to open up. In each member I saw a part of myself. It wasn't long before people started describing beautiful traits about me. I felt wonderful. It feels funny to admit that I loved being “adored” and noticed. As these traits were pointed out so were the ones that I had failed to notice that shut others out. The first day was all roses and fun. I felt like the staff took the time to build me up (especially since I came in so insecure), and helped me become aware. Awareness was not something I thought I would get out of this weekend. Strong communication skills were also not something I expected. Self-love was a small hope but I wasn't going to hold my breath. I mean these things do take time, right? Well that’s exactly what I gained. A strong center and a place to access this feeling anytime I needed, yet another skill I had not expected. I am now aware of my emotions, new awareness of beliefs that limit me open up to me daily. I left the weekend living on a two week high. I had the most powerful disclosure talk of my life. Not only did my new boyfriend want to still see me, he was in awe of me…of this person who so bravely told him her “secret” and was not ashamed of it. I have been on the path of being an H Advocate for a few months now. This weekend gave me a more grounded purpose. A more grounded perception of self. At the beginning of the weekend (and many times in life) I demonstrated a persona of weakness and shyness yet I picked a name that depicted a character with such strength and power…because I was aware of this person I could be, just didn't know how to access it. I often like to be underestimated by others. This way they cannot be disappointed by me, and I can’t disappoint myself. Usually this works very well to my advantage if I’m given a chance. Now I see that playing this role of being less than I am does not serve a higher purpose. This facade is fake and demeaning and so Little Jaguar has shed the cage and operates from a center of power. I hope if you’re reading this you will be thinking about joining the H Opportunity Weekend. No other place will you feel the strength and support of such loving souls. You owe it to yourself to rid yourself of the shame that may be holding you back!

Awesome thanks!!! :D

I recently started dating and after the H Opp Weekend I was more ready to have a successful disclosure talk with the guy I have been seeing. The talk went really well but he has a lot of questions about herpes. I have been doing a great job of answering his questions as best as I can and sending him information and sites that are really helpful. His most recent question is if there is something he can take to prevent getting herpes. I am aware of suppressive therapy options for myself but does anyone know anything about non H partners options for protection other than condoms?

No problem Andrea! I know what it's like to deal with herpes alone, so if there is anything I can do to help I will :).

It sounds like you have had a very tough few years. Your story mirrors mine in the feelings of despair and self blame your words painted. Herpes is very much a psychological experience. Every painful belief you have about yourself and self worth will surface, It's scary and uncomfortable but well worth it. The fact that you are able to reach out to other people so soon is amazing. You've got to know that you are important and special and this little virus is not gonna ruin your life. The light at the end of the road is actually brighter and you now have the support of a wonderful community to help you through the obs, the talk and the healing that your body and mind crave. Thank you for sharing your story. I have had herpes for 7 years and believe me it does get better! In my opinion Herpes was the best thing that ever happened to me because I now know myself better and have a deeper care for myself. I have faith in your journey of healing and am here if you need to talk.

I can't really tell you that those symptoms are related to the herpes. I have a friend who has had it for several years and still gets the flu like symptoms when she is going to have an outbreak so I would think it's possible that this happens with your body. A lot of what you are saying sounds like stress related symptoms. When I first got H I was constantly checking for obs and constantly getting obs, so I understand your paranoia and stress. What I would suggest to understand your body better is to chart all of your symptoms and obs on a calendar. So you can go back later and see if any of it corresponds with each other. So if you get flu symptoms and itching write it on the day it occurs. Then the day an ob shows up write that on the calendar the day it happens. This way you may be able to get a better sense of how your body is dealing with the herpes, and the prodromal symptoms you experience. This has helped me greatly with understanding my outbreaks. I hope this helps...

Thank you Beckie, Your support is greatly appreciated... I guess these things happen and leave us better equipped to help others that may experience the same thing!

Aw thank you!!! I can't wait to meet everyone in July.