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rarebird

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Everything posted by rarebird

  1. @optimist Thanks for your response! Very articulate and so on point. I feel a bit conflicted about trying a herpes dating site myself. First because I agree with you, it feels like promoting stigma and segregation. And I don't know if it would be as successful or more successful than other methods (of not filtering anyone based on herpes). And on the other hand, I think, wow, I could meet people who are up front about it. And I respect that. But I don't want herpes to be the deciding factor on whether to be with, or stay with someone. And if someone makes a big deal about accepting it (as I have encountered with 1 person way in the past), then I feel they will use it as a way to secure the relationship for themselves, so to speak. By trying to make me feel they did something grand and honorable for me. And that's not good. I want to appreciate acceptance, but not to that degree, where it's controlling the relationship. I feel like I have enough to offer, that herpes should not be the center of everything. I don't know how a person could forfeit love and all the awesomeness in life, over worries about getting a virus, that's likely going to be less destructive than other things they might end up with, due to poor eating habits, lack of exercise, smoking, or whatever. It's frustrating and I don't get it, but I'm trying to respect that people have a choice. And maybe if they can't make, what I consider the right choice, then other aspects of the relationship were not enough for them. And they probably are not the kind of person I could respect in a relationship. I very much agree with what you say here... (1) feeling strongly that I need to feel sexually free and therefore unwilling to settle for a relationship with someone who is afraid (that's a deal breaker for me) I need someone to be ok with actually getting it. Because the risk cannot be eliminated. I cannot live every day, with nervous sex. lol. There are enough psychological sexual issues to deal with, without someone getting freaked out and worried, every time you're touching each other. But it can still be hard, if you've developed an emotional bond with someone who seems right in every other way. And wanting to help people work through their anxieties, and help remove stigmas. But the balance between this, and self respect, and not sacrificing pleasure. Wheeew. A little stressful at the moment.
  2. I got hsv2 just over 22 years ago, when I was married. First person I slept with, my then husband. I was married for 10 years, and later I had a 6 year relationship with someone who was not worried about it. So for 16 out of the 22 years, I didn't have to worry about disclosing, and being accepted, etc... I never even had symptoms, so I practically forgot about it. For the years in between and after my long term relationships, most people weren't too worried as long as we used protection. But I recently fell pretty quickly and hard for someone. And when I went to disclose, I didn't think it would be bad, but to my surprise it was a deal breaker. And he is seriously terrified of it. So I'm going through something I haven't had much experience with. Anger at herpes, and at my x-husband for giving it to me. Anger at the person who cannot accept it. Wanting to see him as a coward. I thought I had put these kinds of feelings behind me. 22 years later, never thought I would have a relationship struggle due to herpes. I'm fortunate to not have symptoms, but there is still a risk of passing it to someone, someone who might have painful symptoms to deal with. So anyway, I have never tried a herpes dating site, or even a regular dating site for that matter. And have never tried a herpes support group. But now I'm feeling like I need support. I am glad I found this one. Just reading some of the stories helps. I am thinking about trying a herpes dating site, and I am wondering what kind of experiences people have had with them. I feel like, at least the sex could be freer/less complicated with someone who already has it. Especially if anything goes long term (where a partner might generally be at higher risk of contracting). I don't know if I'm limiting myself, letting herpes dictate my life, or what. But I feel like I want to give it a try.
  3. He can't be sure what is on his mouth, unless he goes to the doctor and gets it checked. All else is speculation. If he gets tested, and it turns out he has hsv1, and you get a recent test, and do not have hsv1, then it didn't come from you. And if he does have one of them, he can't know who/when he got it, if he doesn't have regular testing done, and testing between each partner. Do not take on the burden of assuming you did something horrible to him. Recommend to him, that he go get it checked by a professional. The opinion of someone you slept with or kissed, is not a reliable std diagnosis. It's kind of irresponsible to start blaming someone for something, without having proof first. But people do crazy things. Especially if they are scared. Or looking for someone to blame. I recommend getting tested for everything at least once per year, depending on how many people you get intimate with. And you still did the right thing by disclosing. Some people react unpleasantly, and some do not. By knowing what you have, and letting someone know before you get intimate, you did your part. The choice is theirs, the risk is on them, after that.
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